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What is this group about?

Shelby - posted on 01/27/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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O.K. so I joined... Thinking that obviously this group was something other than what it is.... I know,Love it or Leave it, Right??? Well maybe so, and probably will. However, I have some things to say first, and If I step on your toes...Well sorry. You feel the need to "belittle" me,or whatever you have to do to make yourself feel bigger than by all means...Go for it. I have read post after post on here. Its always the same people and the same gripes. In more than one post I have noticed that the minute someone has an alternate view, they are quickly shut down, Re-directed if you may. I have to say I haven't noticed any belligerent bashing of any particular person, or any serious name calling. With that being said...The posts are highly condescending, and the undertones are right down ugly. If you get upset over what I got to say, then this post is obviously meant for you. Dish it out, now take it.

"I just retired as the Secretary of Defense and took 6 jobs working 500 hours a week, I've spent 25 years in college, and you know what, I'm better than you..." Wah wah wah wah wah...Thats all I hear. Yeah so I know that is a little inflammatory but when you read the same thing over and over and over, thats what it comes out to. I really don't give a rats ass that you are prior service. I don't care that you work 3 jobs to make the 3$ every two weeks stretch until payday. I think if I have to read "Get a job" or "You need to get your education" one more time, I'm going to scream.

The same (SAME) women that are on here complaining about all the "whining" and "moaning" going on in the military spouses' ranks are the ones on here bitching about what "this" wife does, or don't do...and what "that" wife spends, or wears. ARE YOU SERIOUS???? Is it that you are young???? inexperienced???? what? Do you seriously have NOTHING better to do with your time than to talk about how OTHER people live their life, like it concerns you???? In MY honest opinion (and by no means the popular one...usually) the cheating, spending, "lazy" SAHM in the military is not the only thing that gives the military a bad name. What really sucks is moving into housing and being put beside one of you that spend most of your time patting yourself on the back while running around with your nose up in the air. NEVER judge someone else for what they have or have not decided to do with their life. You DON'T know where they are coming from. You DON'T know what they are dealing with, You know what, I could agree with a lot of STATEMENTS in most of these posts, but the way they are expressed, makes most of the women here that are posting seem no less catty than the wives they are bitching about.
I'm not going to walk on eggshells, and be afraid to post something, because...I'm not prior service, I don't have a job, I do have a lot of kids, and yes I'll complain about the military whenever I want. I feel so sorry for the young, new wives that may happen to join this group and read most of these posts. VERY FEW have '"anything" to do with the whole..."MILITARY SPOUSES WITH CHILDREN" theme. Instead we have to read these negative posts wondering, "well, am I going to fit in here" Why shouldn't I fit in, I am a military spouse with Children. I joined this group without being asked if I was ever Active Duty, or if I had a job, Or if I had a college degree. I didn't know those things were mandatory to be a good military wife. So to all you young wives out there who may be reading this. NO this is NOT a good representation of the women you will meet. Yes it is hard. But it is really simple. Go with the Flow, Expect the unexpected...Keep your business to yourself, TRUST NO ONE, This is terrible, REALLY.
Whats funny is that even as a 32 year old mother of 5 who has been with her husband for 13.5 years, by his side as an enlisted marine gone officer for 10 years. I'm sitting here wondering whats coming after I hit that submit button and frankly I could care less, If I'm honest with myself about it.
How Dare some of you make the assumption that if I'm not working, I'm not pulling my weight, and I'm not helping my husband out. My husband doesn't want me to work, Not now not ever. He wants to know that no matter when or where he may go, I'm here when he WANTS me here, and you know what, That works for us. One crazy schedule in this house is enough. Guess what I didn't go to college. I know, right...shoot me now. SO WHAT!!! That is MY choice. I don't need a degree to tell me that I'm making a difference, That I'm doing something with my life. That I'm good at something. Thats the way I want to live.
You know, there is probably smoke coming out of some ears right now, and GOOD. Because if this upsets you that bad, then it was probably aimed at you. I'm not blowing smoke right now. I have read, and read A LOT on here. There is not ONE slice of my argument that can not be justified by reading over the posts on here. Yeah I know, I know..." NO ONE SAID THOSE THINGS" RIGHT??? Bull!!! That is EXACTLY what is being said in between the lines. Don't patronize me and tell me that I took it wrong...When something (being prior service, going to college, having a job) gets thrown up THAT many times by the SAME people, That is EXACTLY what you are trying to say. Be up front with it, Its hard to stand up look someone in the face and get your point across when you spend that much time patting yourself on the back. Funny thing is you don't know who I am, or what I've done. You don't know anything about me, so bash away. I'm thick skinned I can take it. Probably a WHOLE lot better than a new wife reading these posts afraid to join in because she doesn't make the grade.

Who knows, Maybe it is me. In the marine corps, maybe we do it different. We understand that people from ALL walks of life will serve side by side. We understand that you don't answer for what those around you are doing. You answer for yourself. We understand MOSTLY that if you are not part of the solution...Well guess what. You are part of the problem.

So please enlighten all of us Non patriotic, ignorant wives what is the "stereo-typical" military wife...Do you know? How many do you know? Have you met enough of us to make that categorization? Cause' ya know...I'm thinking Damn. I've only met like a few hundred of them, and they are all so different, I want to know from you obviously much more experienced wives, what is "typical" I guess I'm not invited to join the new group huh? Ah well, I guess I'll stand alone, or with the ones who have read these SAME posts thinking UGGHHHH PUKE!!! Get over yourselves!!! If you find a young wife blowing money, Maybe she needs help...Maybe she doesn't know about the financial planning classes on base. If she doesn't get out of her pj's maybe she is depressed??? I don't know, I'm just one to look at all options before I start throwing out judgments.

I'm all for people bettering themselves. I'm all for honest, faithful wives, I'm all for understanding that a deployment is a deployment, and that they happen. I'm all for taking care of your kids, and putting them first. I'm all for a WHOLE lot that some of you are for. I just hope that when someone comes to ME for support, I'm actually there with some good advice. Something I haven't seen a lot of on here. So I'll go back to my watching and reading in the background. Laughing, showing my husband some of these posts so he can get a good laugh...(and believe you me he does) and leave myself open to the attacks, and leave myself open to those that don't want to post in fear of being drug through the mud. If you need help, Need advice, Email me. If I don't have the answer I promise I will do what it takes to get it to you. See thats what it is really about.

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6 Comments

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Caryn - posted on 01/27/2010

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Shelby- I love the post and thank you for putting into words what I was thinking as I too was sitting here in the background and reading! You will get a lot of replies for everyone trying to make excuses for their comments and behaviors, but it is black and white right in front of us to the kind of person they really are. I just wanted to say good job. I am new to the military life and I did feel reading these that maybe this was not the life I wanted to get into, I hope that I meet more wives like you. Good luck on everything you do!

Shannon - posted on 01/27/2010

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Amen Tah! Cookie cutter responses don't work for every situation. You got your heart in the right place, that's what counts.

Tah - posted on 01/27/2010

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I also talk to some of the husbands out here, along with my husband and They say, hey, maybe you can talk to my wife, do I..no, not umless the women come to me theirselves, but i listen. Our jobs as military wives are to support our husbands, and they need support in different ways. Some want their wives home, like your, others need financial help, or just want to be able to have some financial freedom, some want to know that if he ever needed you to go to work you would be prepared. Some want to be proud enough to introduce you to their shipmate or captain in the commisary because you cared enough to look your best and your not in there with stains on your shirt and uncombed hair. We do have a different job then civilian how do i know, because i have been civilian longer than military. I do however love this life i share with these other mothers. I just see alot of unreal things. like the neighbors son that ran through the street in front of the cop car because she can't be bothered to come walk him to the actual busstop that she can see from her door, i mean why should she, i mean he is 5 now, practically a man, So i told him, hey, you need to stopp and look both ways because i don't want you to get hurt so lets practice, i'm sure the cop saw me and thought he was mine,but that's ok, After the bus left i went and rang her door, and i said hey, you son just ran straight from your front door to the street in front of a cop car that thankfully was moving slowly, because if he had even been doing 25 he may have bumped him, and you know what she said, i'm going to get him , he knows better, No, get you, because you need to be watching him, the thing is, if i see him out,or any other child i watch them, because i feel we have to look out for each other like a family, hey i have 5 sisters and brother and we argue and we move on. and sometimes its like that here, sometimes...I don't know how far you have gone back, but there are pages and pages of, "my husband wants me to work, go to school, move home, a divorce, cheat etc. so comments will vary, some will be, I feel sorry for you you can try counseling and this and that, and some will say well try to make it work but prepare for if it doesn't, but that doesn't mean that that response is trying to be condescending or judgemental, it means that is how that person has chosen to show support...

Tah - posted on 01/27/2010

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Let me just say that you have good and valid points. You, like everyone else on here has thoughts and opions. Now, If what you and your husband have an agreement on works for you then great. He has told you to stay home and you are obviously financially able to do it. But if he needed you to go out and get a job, would you not support him that, I'm sure you would. If someone doesn't want to go to college or further their education then fine. But when they come on here and post, hey my husband needs me to help with bills but i can't get a good job because I don't have a diploma so i don't feel it would help, my advice to them would be to maybe take some classes, while working part-time somewhere you may less than love until you are done. I am all for empowering yourself, am i perfect, absolutely not. Does empowering yourself always mean school and work, no. If you are a SAHM, great, it's a important job be the best at it, or at least good at it, or give it a try. But again if you come on here and say, my husband says i need to clean up the house and not sleep all day since i'm here with the kids, my response is not going be, how dare he, because he has a point. People help people differently, I know i come off strongly sometimes on here and sometimes it's because i can't believe what i'm reading. Your post hasn't offended me, as i said you have some good points, but i am who i am. When i have information to share, I share it, I have many private messages on here from wives saying you know what i agree, or i liked your advice it helped me, or i got your point, and i have many little" misty blues" said your post was funny, helpful and encouraging etc. Since you have been married into this life a long time i am sure you have seen husbands decide that their wife was no longer what they wanted and then the wife was left with very little and was ill-equipped to recover. I see it everyday, and i am not exagerrating, I see military wives getting beat down and stay because they don't have the means to leave, do i encourage them to pray, leave, seek counseling, call the cops and the command, you better believe it. Do they, No and they say out of their own mouths, I don't have any money, i can't get a good enough job, if i can just stay until i finish school in 3 years, honey you may be dead. now could i sprinkled some sugar on that sure, but maybe some people need to hear it point blank and/or hear something from the outside looking in. Sometimes people like what you say sometimes they don't, that is their right as well. I'm sure we have gone off the beaten path and said a o my goodness, or i can't beleive she did that somewhere in life and to say you didn't wouldn't ring true to me so there is always room for everyone to improve I believe. best wishes

Shannon - posted on 01/27/2010

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Let it all hang out...Good rant, I give it a 10 on the scale of one to ten. A lot of what you put in your post is spot on, and while maybe there are some people on here that do try to instigate problems, and talk down to people, I think a majority are just trying to lay it all out there. There are many discussions/questions out there that are just us talking to be talking, and getting ideas and frustrations out there...they aren't aimed at people posting here. (one is the sahm Q)

I think we can all agree military wives are a different breed. You can count yourself as one lucky SOB if your soldier hasn't deployed, or never will. he old time wives who post here have the "suck it up and drive on" mentality...part and parcel to how they were indoctrinated into the life. Other women are more assertive/aggressive and tell it like it is. And then there are still others who are a bit more laid back. None of us is wrong, none of us is bad, we just have different approaches. People are welcome to blow off our advice whenever they so choose...no one is forcing anyone here. So if you don't like tough love, ignore it, if you don't like a mix of BTDT...ignore it.

This life is hard, more shit hits the fan for us than our civilian counterparts. FACT! We go long stints without our loved one's. FACT! There are some people who are more hardened to the realities of this life. You need to be hard, you need to be strong, you need to be self sufficient. If you aren't those things, this life will eat you up. Not to mention you will wear on your soldier more by being so needy, so dependent, and believe me...I have seen it...that's where the problems and the divorce come in.

So before anyone goes and slams anyone for their "advice giving", have a little faith. I haven't seen many around here that slam people just to slam them. But I have seen some women ask for advice on subjects, and when the other wives get real with the advice, they freak out.

Now if everyone expects to hear the "now now dear...we support you." Then say so in your posts, and I am sure people will oblige. But if you are real about wanting advice, help, or a realistic look at the issue, then mean it. Don't come on here with the "My husband tells me to lose weight, get a job, and cook him dinner" and expect us to tell you to screw him...you are great. Expect to be asked if you cook, expect to be asked why you don't get a job...it's natural to pose a question to issues people put out there. I know I'd expect it.

Donna - posted on 01/27/2010

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QUOTE



I'm all for people bettering themselves. I'm all for honest, faithful wives, I'm all for understanding that a deployment is a deployment, and that they happen. I'm all for taking care of your kids, and putting them first. I'm all for a WHOLE lot that some of you are for. I just hope that when someone comes to ME for support, I'm actually there with some good advice. Something I haven't seen a lot of on here.



END QUOTE







I think that most of us (taking no exception to myself) are guilty of straying from the support/advice. I would like to echo the last two sentences of the clip above. And since I have 25 years of college, I should be good at it. (J/K, couldn't help myself.)

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