What to do? Husband loves the Army i'm having a horrible time with it all??

Lauren - posted on 09/10/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My husband has been in for just over a year, myself and my three kids have just now joined in we've been here for 3 months. Everything here is hard work for me, if i try to get something done i get the run around, get ignored, or just completly blown off. It has become so dishearting. The other wives here are not very nice, or friendly at all. I just feel alone and to make it worst i feel like i can't even do the things i have to do to take care of my family, because no one will help me. He wants to re-up and also make a life out of this. How can i support him and stand by him when i'm close to hating it here and the army?

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Francina - posted on 10/01/2009

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Hang in there! You are definitely in a place that is going to make it harder for you and your family. Make sure that you have a couple of things going on....a current general power of attorney...and have you taken any AFTB classes? Doubt that they have a program open there for it, but check and find out. Army Family Team Building. It really does help you learn a lot of little things that make life easier. Other than that, it's going to be time. Talk with hubby though....make him realize that life isn't all so rosy and pretty for you...he may be able to start looking around or find some outlets for you and the kids too. Who knows?

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Jo - posted on 04/09/2011

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If the Army Wives seem to be the issue, then find a mommy and me group outside the Army. Just because he is in, doesn't mean you have to give up civilian relationships. I find the most helpful people are those outside of post. Go to ACS with things like paperwork and such that you might need help with. But your best tool is Google. Look up play groups and parks to visit. Get out of the house and have fun. Supporting him at the sacrifice of your whole self, isn't worth it. Have him help you when you need it. My husband was incredibly proud of me for being able to handle much of the EFMP paperwork myself, but was more than helpful when I needed specific unit info for the childcare paperwork.

Remember, IF the Army becomes your lifestyle and he makes a career out of it, it's not the end of you. My SIL has a lot of issues with the Army and she simply makes the best of it and has a ton of friends from around town. Make friends with the parents of the kids in your children's classes. Then you can have play dates, or "weekend adventures" to the movies or a bowling alley, or a nature walk.

I was you about a month ago. Turn off the computer, take a shower, and get out of the house! Just explore the area and have fun!

Bridgette - posted on 09/16/2009

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HI Welcome to the Army way. (Laugh...) We have all been there. I got the same thing when I was a new Army wife. If you don't know alot about the Army and your kids are in school or have a sitter, go take Army Family Team Building. It will help you understand the Army.



Just about anything that has to do with the family (EFMP, school liason, etc) let your husband take care of or you go with him to "learn the ropes".



We've been in 6 years and just re-uped for another 6. After the first year it got easier, because I focused on learning about the Army and it's ways. The chapel on post or a local church of your faith would be a great place to make friends. I rarely spend time with other Army wives. I survived being in Hawaii alone for a year deployment thanks to my church friends.

Crystal - posted on 09/16/2009

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ahhh ok here we go: I, myself, just got out of the Army after 6 years in August, and I am due with our first in January so I can help you with the whole Army thing.



The Army can be very stressful. That's the nature of the beast. He is may not be blowing you off intentionally and as far as the-run-around goes, that's what Army people get ALL the time. The only thing we are guaranteed at the end of a work day is what time we will have to report the next day. Sometimes though, the units have a suprise urinalysis or an "alert" in which they have to get up and be at work within 60 minutes or less of getting a phone call to show up. There is no guaranteed work scheduel, ever. You get off when they tell you to get off. The GOOD thing with you guys having 3 children is that no matter what, unless something so severely stupid, he can't get fired, you know he will never lose work hours - so he is guaranteed the same paycheck (every month or two weeks) or more, and also, you guys will never be harassed by medical insurance companies or go without health insurance for the little ones or yourselves. As for making a life out of it, he only has to stay in 20 years to 'retire.' After that, he gets money for the rest of his life on retirement and doesnt have to worry about ever losing his pension.



As for the drama, I hear you on that one! In some stations I had, the female to male ratio was so low, that a lot of females developed the "Queen for a year" (South Korea BEING THE worst!!!) mentality and whether you cared about it or not, if you were a female, you were thrust into the drama because someone was always talking smack about you because they want to be miss popular and discredit your name somehow. However, I was less enthusiastic about falling into the whole "Army Wife" category based on the whole thing you are describing. There are a couple Army wives I am friends with, but I pretty much leave it at that. Not that I'm not open to making new friends, I just don't put my full trust into many people because if you do, that WILL cause drama. It is always important to maintian a sense of independence in these matters as well. What I mean by that is, so what if you are not liked by a lot people, you have THREE kids to think about. As long as you try not to let random housewives you dont know see your saddness or let anyone else know that your lonliness bugs you so much, you are less likely to be a target by them. You also have to remember that a lot of Army wives are very young and have a high school mentality. Some, never grow out of it. Like in the Army, you are mixed with a bunch of different people from a bunch of different ages and backgrounds. With that being said, most Soldiers are very young and of course, so are their wives so you will tend to find 30 somethings trying to act like teenagers because of the people or Soldiers they are around are either teenagers or very young adults and so take on their habits and attitudes to be cool with them.

Bethany - posted on 09/15/2009

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I think you should seek out your post's ACS (Army Community Service). They have alot of great resources for newcomers (to military life and that post). I really think we all felt the same way initially, what i found comfort in was just reminding myself that i married him bc i love him and want to be with him. I chose to stop being self-centered about my feelings and make the best of the life we have together. Please whatever you do....give it time....do not throw in the towel this early on. If anything get ahold of a chaplain, they're not just there for religious reasons, but for family support. Good Luck!

Miriam - posted on 09/12/2009

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I Know is very hard. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My hubby is been in the army for 8 years now. when I meet him he was done with his first term. Then we got married and I hated the military life, I didnt understand it, I felt that I could not related with the other wifes, oh man! you name it. But after deployment, I notice how it change him. and then it was time to decided about another re-up. What we did is sit down and we both discuss it. But I told him that whatever the answer would be, it would be his decision. I really didnt want him to tell me that because of me, his life was miserable because I push him to do the opposite then what he wanted. I think the best way to support him is to let him decided. Once you guys move to another post, you will meet new people and who knows you might love the place.

Lutisha - posted on 09/12/2009

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I was in the Army when I met my husband and almost didnt marry him because I hated the life. I took me 2 yrs before going to FRG meetings and hanging out with other wives. I thought I was so alone be then realized it was me making me feel that way. Yeah I hate some of the wives on our post and it took awhile to find just a few that I could click with. I started on my space just browsing the area and sending out Emails. I hung out with mu husbands friends hoping that the wives would be nice. Some were and others not so much. The thing you need to under stand most is that you married in to this life. It was his job before he was your husband. You will make friends FRG has girls night out and play date groups. You just need to put your self out there. Good luck. And as far as rank goes it all depends on the person I know officers wives that are awesome and some others who let the rank go to their heads. You will get though it it just takes time...

Crystal - posted on 09/11/2009

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Yea I was only 20 when we got married. Not that I'm much older now lol. I think it takes awhile to earn some of their respect because they think your just some young girl who doesn't know anything about love or this life. That's the impression I got at first. Even some of the rude ones I met at first are a lot nicer to me now. I kind of think of it as the same as starting a new job or something, some people won't go out of their way to be nice to you and welcome you...you have to step up and try with them. I definitely don't like Ft. Bliss, it will never grow on me...this is the only place we have been stationed. We are headed for Mannheim Germany soon and I cannot wait :)

Robyn - posted on 09/11/2009

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There are some nice officer wives for sure. We live on Ft Ord and there is a mix of officer and senior enlisted here because there are not all that many military here, and my neighbors are all Naval Officer wives and they are nice. There are also some that act like they are better than everyone else like they are the ones that earned their husband's rank or something. Those you pretty much have to just ignore if you can. I had the same experience as Crystal when I was first married to my husband that the other wives look down on you because you are young (I was 17) and act like they know everything.It could be something about overseas too, we were in Panama (yes that was a long time ago) and it was kind of like the whole high school clique all over again....yuck. I would say maybe chat with some of the ladies on here as most are very nice and give it time. There are actually some places that are pretty nice. We loved Ft Carson and Ft Lewis, and I love it here in California too. I will be sad when we leave. We hated Ft Bragg at first too, but it kind of grows on you.

Crystal - posted on 09/11/2009

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Oh boy...probably has something to do with being in Korea? My husband was there before we got married and he wanted to reenlist to stay there but I refused to go over. I know so many people that didn't like it there. I'm not really sure if it has to do with them being officer wives or not...I know the army kind of frowns upon officers fraternizing with lower enlisted. Though I had a class at the community college here with a commanders wife and she was really nice. Maybe its just a bad group of people. Have you gone out into the city? How do you like the city as opposed to the base? I really think it might be where you are stationed. I realized that was my biggest problem...I can't stand Fort Bliss...we are right next to juarez, there are people dying here everyday and it's always on the news. I can't stand it. I'm not sure how old you are, and how old these wives are, but maybe they look at you like that because you're younger? I know i get that a lot...because their husbands have been in forever and they have been an army wife for so long...they kind of look down on others. It's so hard to say because like I said, I've met nice officer's wives too...it could just be the bunch you have there. And though you don't like it there, and this is terrible to say and something no one likes to hear, you kind of just have to suck it up. I understand how you feel...like I said...I hate it here. When we first got here I constantly talked about moving back up home, especially after I found out I was pregnant. But you can't control where the army sends you...As I said my husband was stationed there...and he says a lot of what soldiers do there is just go out to the bars and drink...he said as far as families go there weren't many families there, but he says, check out the amusement parks there, you can go hiking on the mountains, I've seen pictures and the mountains are beautiful. He said there are a lot of shopping centers in Seoul. There are also beaches there. I'm very sorry you aren't enjoying your time there...I think you just got a bad duty station off the bat. What base are you stationed at if I can ask? My husband was at Camp Red Cloud. If you get a chance and I'm online, you could IM me...I know there is a big time difference...I'll try to be on tonight. IM is X0 TiNk Says X0.

Lauren - posted on 09/10/2009

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I'm stationed in South Korea and the base that we are at has just now opened up for families to join in. So i'm one of the first here on command sponsorship, however there are maybe 10 or so families that have just come along with their husbands. So i'm new here that's for sure. I'm also at the headquarters base so i've been thinking that maybe my husbands rank has something to do with it. All the other wives are officers wives. But i've had people tell me that officer's wives can be nice too. It's hard here to even get someone to smile back at you if you smie at them. What's up with that? I just don't understand if i were in the cilivan world people smile back, why are the army wives here like that? It's hard living here and i wouldn't say that it's the best situation ever but i don't feel the need to be rude. I'm just confused and very down about it all i want to support my husband he loves this and is very good at it. But that's hard to do when i really don't like it. Maybe it'll be different somewhere else, but what can i do right now to make it better?

Crystal - posted on 09/10/2009

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Just relax and give it time. I've been there. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now...we were married May 2008. He was in for four years when we got married, and he just re-upped for another four. I absolutely hated it at first and I refused to even think of him reenlisting. However, after giving it time, and getting used to how different things were...I love it. He re-upped for another four years and we're headed to Germany in April. I can't wait. I do agree that a lot of the military wives I've met aren't very friendly...but that's not a military wife thing...its just those particular people. I have made a few friends where we are, and that wasn't until recently either. So like I said...just give it time. Also, depending on which post you are at...that may be part of the problem. I absolutely hate Fort Bliss...and that's part of the reason I couldn't stand the army life at first...but I've gotten over that too...the thought of going to Germany definitely cheered me up. As for getting the run around...that will probably continue to happen, I've had terrible experiences with tricare and housing...but that happens whether you are an army wife or a civilian. I hate it...but that's how it is...no one ever wants to do their jobs...its so frustrating. I hope everything works out for you...good luck!

Robyn - posted on 09/10/2009

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It is hard, and I think it is even harder when you are used to being a civilian and then are all of a sudden an Army wife. My husband has been in for 16 years and we have been places that I really hated. When we first got married it seemed like all the other wives knew exactly how everything worked and I was dumb because I didn't. I am really shy so that didn't help either. Are the wives you are saying that are not nice just the ones in the unit or the wives of his friends? When we were somewhere that the other wives in the unit were not friendly I made friends with the moms of kids my son played with or that I worked with. Do you mind if I ask where you are?

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