WHO CAN RELATE?

Jennifer - posted on 10/16/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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We just recently moved to K-Bay USMC base in Hawaii. We are from Buffalo NY i have lived there my whole life...until i married my husband..my high school sweetheart..we have been to this willl be our 3rd base..an to me it seems the more we move the harder it has become to make new friends. we first were in NC at Lejuene and i loved it there the people were friendly and fun and jus soo amazing we have block bbqs and our kids were all friends and it was like a family all of us and i loved that...then we were at Quantico VA..the people there..not so friendly they were judgemental and rude and kept to themselves and the wives thought they were better then another bc of the rank of their husbands..it sucked i went from thinkin the USMC is about family and friends and thats how it was to havin a huge slap in the face when i got to VA and seeing that ppl are jus not all like that..then we moved here to K-Bay hawaii in august...so far the only ppl i know are the ones i already knew from before but other then that..they are not like outgoing or friendly at all..u smile or say hi to someone while walkin and they jus look at u like did u jus seriously talk to me...and its soo stressful...goin from havin soo many friends to havin almost none in jus almost 4 yrs...ehhh...i jus dont know what to do..i miss home ad my friends and family and being in a p[lace where people are decient and kind and want to know who u r...they keep to themsleves and jus are mean...i dont get it..u would think that being a military wife on a military base and being in the same situation and lifestyle as everyone around u that u would be able to make friends like that...but i havent met people like the people back home or even like the people i met in NC and it makes not only themselves look bad for being self centered and rude but it also makes the military look bad...they are supposed to be good people but they jus dont seem to be that anymore..what happened to thisworld in the past 4yr that people cant even be nice and say hi to u nemore...i jus hate it its makin me hate bein a military wife and i still have 15more yrs to go...can someone help me out maybe its jus me..i dunno but i amsick of feeing alone and out of place..i jus sometimes jus want to give up and go home..WHAT SHOULD I DO??

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Brittanie - posted on 10/16/2010

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I'm going through something very similar right now, we PCSed in April and the only ppl I've meet have been through a friend from high school who happens to be stationed at the same base. But funny enough I just moved from Hawaii and miss my friends there like crazy (we were the block BBQers too) lol. Though I wasn't stationed at K-Bay, I was on Hickam, I completely understand the who "acting like they are better than you" thing. the only advice I have is not to let them get to you, I know it's easer said than done. The nice thing about Oahu is there are tons of military on the Island and there for tons of playgroups, wives groups and family activity that are going on all the time. So I'd check your "Family readiness center"(not sure if thats what the USMC calls it) and see if they know of any of the groups on base. That way you can meet people you other wise wouldn't have. Also even though the locals have a bad rep for not liking the military if you get out there and really meet them you'll find that they are amazing and very warm and welcoming. So if you done't find friends on base there is a whole island of great ppl (just stay way from downtown) lol. Hope this helps! Hang in there it will get better! Also please feel free to Friend me if you have any questions about things to do on the island. Good luck and God Bless!

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Jillian - posted on 10/18/2010

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I use to live in K-bay!! That was the first base I ever lived on after we got married (hubby was already there).

It is very tough making friends and then turning around and moving not long after. I know I left a lot of friends behind when we moved to NASP in Florida earlier this year. And when I moved to KBay I knew NO ONE and had a similar experience with the people there. I had gone to a unit function early on and all but got snubbed when I tried to talk to someone. Really set a bad taste in my mouth. BUT!! I adjusted and started going to functions, getting involved with things around base and meeting people. Not -everyone- was nice and open to new friends. One of our neighbors chewed me out for something I had nothing to do with. Another down the road threw keggers all the time and were so loud at night it was irritating. But you get through, you manage and you deal.

I met some amazing women and some amazing families while we were there. It did take a little time and I did feel kind of lonely for awhile, but eventually things adjusted. Now I am sort of in the same boat where we are now, but I still keep in touch with my friends from Hawaii.

PM me if you want and I can maybe give you some ideas of who to talk to if you want to volunteer or get involved around base. I know they are still offering some free classes with MCCS that are taught by some of the most amazing and sweet people in the world.

Good luck and I hope you feel better about your situation. It will get better!

Pam - posted on 10/17/2010

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It is always very hard when you move. My husband is in the Army and our first duty station was HI. I never did make any friends on base except one who was the wife of my husbands battle buddy in AIT. I worked outside of the home because we had no kids and I did have friends I just didn't let the friendships develop. If they asked me to do something with them I ALWAYS said no. I think I was actually being the snob not wanting to adapt to HI customs and language. We then went to WA where thanks to my toddler running across the road to play with a little boy his age I made a great group of friends that I am still in contact with today even though we are all over the US now. I'm in FL now and although I made a couple friends through my kids at their school it's not the same because they don't understand the life we have. Here the spouses in my husband unit all wear the rank which seems weird to me because we are not our husbands. I can't stand to be with these backstabbing women but I smile and bear it so that my husband doesn't have to deal with any more bs. I guess my point is it really depends on us to decide who we want to be and how we want to deal with the situation. I could have just drug my son back home that day and never made the friends but instead I stayed and started a conversation. I choose to stay away from the military spouses here because they irritate me and in HI I chose to be a snob and not accept my many offers to build lasting friendships. It is hard when you try and others don't respond but try to remember that they are going through the same things too and they may have had only bad situations and they are hesitant because no one has ever been friendly before. Keep it up you may find someone someday that smiles back and says you have beautiful children or just starts talking to you. Good Luck and you are remember being a military wife is worth it all, it's an amazing life.

Candi - posted on 10/16/2010

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I am an Army wife. Before the Army my husband was in the Coast Guard and we were stationed in Alaska. I swear i think I was the only 22 yr old there! Everyone seemed to have their own little world and refused to let anyone in! I worked and went to school and toughed it out. Leaving was never an option and I never even thought about it. Once you're married, you stay! When his time in the CG was up we moved back to SC (where we are both from) and he had a good job and I was working nd going to school still. Downsizing caused him to look at the military again. This time he joined the Army so he could be home with us more. (pre 9-11) He was sent to Germany, the 2 kids nd I joined him 4 months later! Every wife I met was so rude and wore her husband's rank. Even the ones who were the same rank as my husband were snotty b/c they were friends with a higher ranking wife! It was terrible. Even when my husband deployed for 15 months while we were there, I stayed! We were there 3 years and I didn't care about the lies, rumors, and disrespect I was given while there. I knew I would probably never see these women again and I knew I was a good person. We left there and got sent to TX! I honestly tried to make friends. All the women in my husband's unit had their little clicks and were shopaholics! i HATE shopping,I don't party, and I don't go clubbing, and I had 3 kids so nobody wanted anything to do with us. I guess they were afraid I would want them to babysit or something. For 5 yrs, the only friends I had were the ones I made in school and church. In 2009 we moved to VA. I love it here! My husbands shift allows me to spend my days with him and my evenings/nights with my kids. I do feel like I am on a treadmill....I run run run but never advance. I am still in school but unable to attend due to $$. Things are crazy expensive here. I am mking the most of it though. The good thing here? No deployment. He went through two 12 month deployments the time we were in TX. I am anxious to see where the Army will send us next. Who knows, it could be near someone on COM!

Jennifer - posted on 10/16/2010

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Thank u soo much for that and i never really looked at it like that..i really shouldnt be judging everyone as a whole bc theyre are really good people and maybe they are jus as confused and scared as i am..i jus grew up surrounded by frinds an family my whole life so havin to go without these past 4 yrs has been kinda tuff...but dont get wrong i am so very proud to be a marine wife more then anything besides my kids..being a marine wife helped me grow up faster maybe tht might also be my issue sometimes is that i see al my friends and they are goin out to clubs and bars and everyting a 24yr old should get to experience and here i am miles away takin care of 2 kids a house and a husband..but then i think to myself...wuld i do it all over again if i had the chance...and the answer to that is in a heartbeat..i love being a marine wife i love my kids soo much and without them i would be lost..if i was back home with everyone who never left i would be lke them and whe i think of that...i wuld never want to be them..i found tru love that wil last me a lifetime..i support my husband and i wouldnt have it any other way..i guess i jus miss the whole having smeone to talk to and hang out with and what not..whn i was stationed in NC we hada blast the people were amazing..we actually stay close to them and see a fw of them here and there but out of all of our married friends there..we ar the only ones still together an hapy..my gfs didnt like the marine wife life and whatnt..and i dont want to be like them but i am soundin like them now..but iam no a selfish person and i love my husband and if this is what he wants to do thn i am here for him to supprt him and do whatver to makehim happy and he is for me as well i jus miss my family a lot bc its the holiday season and xmas isnt xmas without the good white buffalo cold & snow lol and family...palm trees and beaches for xmas.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm weird lol but thank u again for makin me realize why i am here doin what i am an why i am so proud to be a USMC wife and lucky i am to have the life that i have...so uhave been in the wife life for how long?? does it get better lol what do u think is ur fav place u have been at yt?? thank u soo much again hve a wonderful day

Rachelle - posted on 10/16/2010

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OH Jennifer.....breathe and don't take the "rudeness" so personally. I am on kind of the opposite end of your story. I went from SoCal and Oregon to Iowa where everyone speaks and waves to everyone from their vehicles. A quick example, I was driving down the road with my boss in a car...another car passes us, he waves....I say, "who's that?", he says, "I don't know". He laughed at me. LOL! When you come from a big place where people come and go a lot, for whatever reason, people don't speak as much if they don't know each other. It's not that they are being UNfriendly, it's just not what they do. But even so, I do understand how you'd expect to have something in common with other military spouses. We were at Camp Pendleton twice and I never made any lasting friendships with other Marine wives. They didn't seem interested in me...so I found a playgroup for my kids off base and went on with life. SO, what should you do??? First of all, don't be another statistic of another military wife that couldn't take the life. It IS very hard....I think we do an unbelievabley poor job of preparing the spouses for what it's all about. Especially if you are coming in as so many do in your early 20s. It's a lot to handle when you're still kind of growing up yourself. It's NOT you....it's YOU being with people who do not share YOUR EXPERIENCE and your set of expectations. That's not rude....it's just different. So who's being judgemental and self-centered? I don't say that to be mean at all....really....I want you to be a strong and proud Marine Wife. I also want you to think a bit about your assumptions and the conclusions you are drawing about an enormous group of people. Should you change to be like them??? Probably not.......should they change to be like you??? Maybe, but who decides and who is the better person b/c of it??? I don't think that's for me to say. I still don't think it's about who's better....it's just different people in very differnt parts of our very large and diverse country. Which is one of the things I love about our country. Maybe this is a growing opportunity for you? When I go back to my hometime in Calif and visit with some of my old friends who have never left....it's kind of sad how stuck they have become....they cannot relate to me and my lifestyle at all. BTW, I happen to be in VA now. .......but in Fairfax near Dulles. I happen to agree with you about some of the judging....but in my neighborhood it's not about rank as much as it's about other similar things like job status....private school for their kids, etc.... But maybe I'm too old to care. I'm 43! I know, probably your mom's age. So here's my best advice.....find a good place to people-watch....a park, a mall, a coffee shop....sit back and watch....try to do it without judgement and just see how people interact and what their perceptions of the situation seems to be.....and then see how that affects what you think. I know 15 years seems like an incredibly LONG period of time when you only have 5 behind you....but you'll be so proud when you can say you have only 5 to go! Be strong! You're a Marine's Wife!

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