Why do all wifes move home during deployments?

[deleted account] ( 119 moms have responded )

So I moved to Ft Stewart in May last year and I found some great wives out there!!! Most who are my age (21) are moving home in with their parents when hubby goes on deployments. The older ones stay but why so many leave?? how are we suppost to give each other support and be there if everyone runs scared back to mommy and daddy...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Agreed. I don't really see why it matters which choice fellow wives make. Like so many others have already said, it doesn't make you less of a wife if you leave, and it doesn't make you better or stronger if you stay. I have done both. As a younger wife, I went home because I had no real ties to the place we lived outside of my husband. When he was gone, I saw no reason to be there. Now, halfway through my husband's career, I've gone home because we've been stationed thousands of miles away, I haven't seen my family in over a year, and it's a great chance to catch up on all the things we've missed. It has absolutely nothing to do with being scared, lonely, or unable to make it on my own. And even if that were the case...so what? Support is necessary. Who cares what form it comes in? Everyone has their reasons, and no one should have to defend them to anyone else or be made to feel like less of a wife because they differ from yours. It isn't a contest and nobody gets a cookie for "sticking it out" or being miserable by staying if they would rather be somewhere else.

Natalie - posted on 01/30/2010

448

73

85

Ok, i gotta say, please don't ever say "Who do ALL". That is too general and you really can't compare ALL military wives.
I didn't move home during my husband's deployment. But i went to visit for a over a month so i wouldn't spend my first Christmas with my Son alone. I wanted family around.
The rest of the time i was at home, at the base we lived as a family.

So i don't think that those wives left b/c they're scared and wanna be home with Mommy and Daddy. I just think that they don't wanna be alone.
Also, the time i spent with my family went by much faster than when i was at home with the baby by myself. Just fyi

Oh, my one friend's husband got deployed for a year and she moved in with her mom for that time. She put all of her furniture in storage and since she didn't have to then pay rent (she lived off base) she got to keep all of the housing allowance and save ti while her hubby is deployed. They PCS'd to Japan when he got home.

[deleted account]

i think 2 people on this post have already called your name out and "put you in your place" and do us all a favor and please get off your high horse....

[deleted account]

I HATE this question. I don't take offense to it until someone says "put on your big girl panties" or that someone is "running away" or anything of the like.

The day after I found out I was pregnant, my husband got tasked to Iraq. We were stationed overseas, and he didn't come home until my son was 2 months. Had I stayed overseas, I would have been COMPLETELY alone during the birth of our child; so I chose what would be best for US. I moved home to be close to our families so that I could have support.

Each situation is different, and too judge like that- is pretty shitty.

Misty - posted on 02/04/2010

3

2

0

I understand what your saying my husband and I are at Ft. Drum and he deploys mid March. We just found out I am preggers with our second child and I am planning on staying in NY through deployment. To me I feel that wives going home put their life's on hold for a year just to move back... Why start a life not to continue it?

This conversation has been closed to further comments

119 Comments

View replies by

C. - posted on 02/07/2010

4,125

35

238

Cheri, O never assumed that you wanted to have a relationship with your family. The only part of my post where I was referring to YOU was the part where I was talking about issues between mother/daughter or parents/daughter and that's ONLY b/c you brought it up- I wasn't speaking about your personal situation. You haven't said anything about women going home once and continuing to go home, but other people have- that's why I put it in my post. I never said your family was a good support system and I didn't mean to imply that all your problems were from teenage issues. For the record, my problems weren't only teenage issues, either, so you assuming that was my problem, well I guess you can take your own advice. I should have worded it better, yes, but my it was never my intention to come off that way and I do apologize for that.







Oh for God's sake, Amber.. Get over yourself for the love of all that is good and Holy. You can go on and on about how you know these women and all the details of their lives, but what it all boils down to is not everyone tells a friend EVERYTHING. So you can THINK you know it all, when you don't. That's what I was trying to get at. And for you to say that your friends are lazy mothers and wives?? Then they are obviously NOT your friends in the first place- if they were your good friends, you would have the sense not to say something like that about them just b/c they moved home and you didn't!!!! I hate to say it b/c it will sound rude, but no wonder they left if people are going to be acting just as you are! Don't worry about them, worry about you and your family. New wives will come along and I hope that if you befriend them that you won't be calling them lazy wives and mothers. Woe is me, poor, poor me.. Everybody left me here all alone.. If you don't like it, go back home! OR you can make new friends. It's all up to you..



And I don't care if you want me to agree with this thread or not. You asked for opinions, we are all giving our opinions. I just think it's childish that you think you know everything about all your friends and every detail about their situation and say they are running scared and lazy. And I wouldn't pay attention to it.. IF PEOPLE WERE BEING SUPPORTIVE. I felt the need to back some of these women up b/c I have been- and still am- in a similar situation where I HAD to move back. Not that I necessarily WANTED to b/c my mother's and my past isn't the best, but it was a necessity.



Just b/c YOU think they are stronger than that is your opinion. You are not in their situation, so you really cannot say whether they are or aren't. There may be some history of depression or something that they would like to keep at bay instead of repeating depression over and over. And I did read the whole thread. You still think you know it all.. Good for you. But again, you don't know everything about everyone so stop acting like you do.



UH, wrong.. I don't correct people just b/c I think they are wrong. If I am currently in a situation that pertains to their thread and I think they are acting like a child, sure I will. And yes, I do think you are acting like a child.



And about the judging comment.. PLEASE!!!! Nobody ever said that we are perfect, BUT the fact that I was getting at was that HOW CAN WE BE SUPPORTIVE WHEN SOMEONE IS JUDGING OUR EVERY MOVE???? You wanted support, right? Well then do your part in it as well!



You don't like what I have to say, then don't read it. It's your choice. You are the one that asked, so I put my two cents in and yes if I feel the need to point something out, I will do it. SOMETIMES PEOPLE NEED TO BE PUT IN THEIR PLACE.

Monica - posted on 02/06/2010

62

54

0

my children are young but i choose to move home to go to school and work i do not live at home with my family i mean they are in the same town as mine but i have my own house and everything. i am only 20 so i dont go out and party i dont feel the need to and i work 50 hours a week as an assistant manager so really my down time is spent with my kids only! but me and my husband decided to get out of our lease so that i could aford a nice place for me and our children. i did how ever get a roommate it helps with saving a little money and also it helps having another adult there so you dont feel that all your down time is spent strictly with kids! i do not regret my decition to move home it was a wonderful thing and as for when my huband does redeploy i cant say for sure if i would move home or stay put it all depends on the situation at the time. i think that every one knows there limits and knows whats best at that time! if you are staying while your husband is gone good for you becasue it shows that you are strong enough for some of the things like that and it is really good for you to get to bond with your children and if you are moving home well good for you becasue you know that you are able to know when your boundrys are and that a year from your hubby isnt in them! but what ever it is that you do good luck!its tough ether way!

[deleted account]

Christina,

Judging people means that you pass a value judgment on what others think or do or say, of which judgment implies making a decision whether something is right or wrong. Thus, when someone say that we should not judge others, they are in fact passing a value judgment (that judging people is wrong) and thus anyone who does so (judging other) is doing something that is wrong. Thus, those people who say that we shouldn't judge other are in fact doing exactly what they say they shouldn't do; judging that people who they perceive as judging others are wrong. Thus, this sentence is self-defeating. In fact, because this is so, those people who say that we shouldn't judge others are in fact hypocrites, because they practice the thing they condemned in others.

Cheri - posted on 02/06/2010

29

20

1

Christina Prato,



You assume that I want to have a relationship with my parents, and again assume that history hasn't already repeated itself. Thankfully you and your mother/parents were able to get past your issues. I shouldn't have to explain to total strangers what exactly my issues are to you or to anyone else. She asked my opinion and experience and I gave it to her. Some "issues" aren't forgiveable and if you can't get the jist of what I am referring to you than don't comment on something you have no idea about. If my intentions were to refer to petty teenage issues I wouldn't have brought it up; which should only further imply that the issues I have since learned to grow up because of, go far beyond mommy taking away my cell phone and grounding me for staying out past curfew. With that said, I never implied that everyone who goes home for one deployment continues to do so; I did however say that I didn't want to make it a habit by repeatedly going home to my parents. Believe me, if my familial support system was half of what it should be than I probably would have gone home once upon a time. But seeing as my familial support system wasn't a good one to begin with I chose not to expose my children to that environment; which only left me two options: do it alone, or stick it out with the rest of the military wives who've been there, done that, and got the souvenir for it.



I don't criticize, condemn, or patronize those military spouses who opt to go home. If you can get the support from your parents or other family members, good for you. If you and your family can benefit from it and your parents/family won't feel burdened by carrying part of the weight/responsibility, congratulations. I don't have that, never did, and never will (outside of the family I have with my husband and boys).



My reality is this, I have my husband and my boys. One day, I'll have to do it alone, whether it be due to divorce or death. I didn't throw a pity party for myself than, and I'm certainly not throwing one now.

[deleted account]

why thank you christina for letting everyone know you completely disagree with this thread... why not dont pay any attention to it... and yes i know all of these women very well since i even know their financial statues...and it is their choice but yes i do know that they are running scared... they dont want to be alone raising a child without any help... my question was again why do other people move home since i know why they are moving and yes im mad that they are i think they are stronger and can stick it out like all other military wives but they are lazy mothers and wives....and yes i did judge my friends since they are MY friends.... no i didnt judge any of you except christina bc apparently she wants to make sure she puts everyone in their place and correct them on everything she views as wrong...and no not all women were offended some where and some werent... some read the whole thread and some didnt....

C. - posted on 02/06/2010

4,125

35

238

Amber, you need to re-read your question then. You did not clarify that you were ONLY talking about the women you know and not speaking in generalities. So getting all the backlash for your question is on you. Now, I don't doubt that you know these women, but how WELL do you know them? I'm sure they don't give you every personal detail of their lives, therefore how do you know it's JUST so they can have fun? How do you know their reasoning doesn't go much deeper than that??



It's not what we wanted to read, it's what was THERE to read..



"The older ones stay but why so many leave?? how are we suppost to give each other support and be there if everyone runs scared back to mommy and daddy..."



How are we supposed to determine that you aren't judging every woman that moves back home during a deployment when you say something like that? To me, and apparently to many other women as well, that just sounds like a very judgmental person that got their feelings hurt OR that they are jealous b/c other women had that choice. Either way, every woman has a reason to move back home and it doesn't mean they are running scared back to their parents. How are we supposed to be supportive to people that make assumptions and start a thread saying that they are scared? I'm glad you were able to stay where you are, some aren't able to. Another thing, it's none of your business if the young women where you are stay or go while their husbands are deployed! That is their business, their own personal decision and I'm sure that they have talked it out with their hubby and decided what was best for them and their family. You are not their keeper, you do not need to know everything about them and all their reasons for staying/going. Everyone has to make that choice that's best for them and they don't need to take into consideration what other people are going to think b/c it's NONE of their business anyway! You made the choice to stay, others made the choice to go.. But that's what was best for their family! What will work for one family, won't necessarily work for another!

Beth - posted on 02/06/2010

274

18

67

you don't call this judging? " everyone runs scared back to mommy and daddy" .
Have you actually ASKED these women why they are going home? I'd bet not. You might find their reasons are more valid than "running scared".

[deleted account]

okay i know i started this question, but first i did NOT judge any of you and your reasons for moving home.... if you actually read all post you can see where i said i understand the whole pregnancy alone and financial reasonings... i was juding the women that i know very well.... these women are trust fund babies (like me) & have all the money that they could ever need but now that their husband is going to be gone and no one is there to help them at 5... they are moving home so mommy and daddy can take care of them and their kids so the mommies can have fun...and i was wondering what were other peoples reasonings for moving home...never did i once say it made you weak, not supportative.. or anything negative about people i didnt know.... i think most of you read what you wanted to and not what the question really asked you...

Heather - posted on 02/05/2010

48

19

5

I find that more support comes from my family then any military wives. Over the last few years I have learned a lot of military wives cause a lot of drama and are not a good support system. Don't get me wrong I have made two great friends and they both moved home too. We are stationed out of Virginia and all our family is in California. I barely knew anybody in Virginia and I didn't live on base. I stayed in Virginia when my husband did all his underways and was gone for a month to 3 months out of time. This time he got deployed for 7 months & we have our daughter now. My husband & I discussed before he deployed that it would be best to move back home so my daughter could get that extra love & attention and so our family could spend time with her because we don't get to come out very often. We also decided it would be best so we could save money. I didn't move back home because I was scared I did it so we could be around family that I know will be supportive and also to save money. Also I am not one of those wives who puts my child off to my family to watch and I don't go out and party. I am actually a good mom who takes care of my daughter & does everything for her. It also doesn't make me a bad wife cause I will always be behind my husband supporting him a 100%. You shouldn't judge wives everybody has their reasons for moving back home.

Nicole - posted on 02/05/2010

43

86

3

My husband hasn't been deployed yet but when he does I plan on visiting home. I think moving home is a bit extreme. My husbands deployments as a linguist will only be for 3 months so I figure the second month I'll visit my family to get a break of the aloneness. We're stationed in AZ an my hometown is in WI.I can't refuse the opportunity to excape the desert heat. I would also love for my daughter to meet her extended family. Since i love traveling, making a road trip out of it is a plus. I don't feel the NEED to go home i just want to.

[deleted account]

It's not that it's running scared to mommy and daddy, it's that mommy and daddys give better support during deployments. Like Me for instance I have made friends here at Camp Pendleton BUT, my husband is getting deployed for 14 months my friend and her husband are both EAS ing and my other friends husband is deploying for 9 months and we all have kids and we are all moving not because we don't enjoy each others company but because the support of FAMILY is greater than friends especially if something serious were to happen. Plus it's a great way to reconnect with family if you haven't gotten to see them for a while if you are stationed away from them and you don't get to go home very often.

Kari - posted on 02/05/2010

140

11

24

I agree with Stacy, just because you move home doesn't mean your weak or a bad military wife. Like she said, some are new moms new wives new to the military, when i moved home i went for 2 or 3 months to save money and i had only been married for 6 months and just out of high school. I was still 18 and I was 4 motnhs pregnant. I worked then once I saved up some money I got an apt with my sister not because i was weak but because i knew town i moved to well, i went to the same college my sis went to so i had help with admissions picking classes and teachers, and it saved tons of money. And then once i had my daughter i had a friend that was like 15 minutes away and my mom was only 2 hrs away. I had never dealt with a brand new baby so when I didn't know what to do or needed someone to help watch her while i was doing my homework in was nice. And just because you move home once doesn't mean you'll do it again. Like why would stay at a place where you have NO friends, NO job, NO help, NOTHING but loneliness and sadness?! And I moved back to Hood like a month and a half before he got home. He actually WANTED me to stay with my parent's. He knew that they would keep me busy and that when I got sad I wouldn't be all alone. I have a very close bond with my family so why would I choose to stay somewhere that i didn't feel safe and didn't know anyone when I could be safe and as happy as possible with my husband gone. And when I was living with my sis I was very independent, she was always either working or out with friends, she gave half of the money for the bills and rent but id pay them all, i did everything. And the only time my friend or my mom would watch my daughter was when i was doing my homework and once a month for 3 months so my sister and i could go out. All in all just because you move home doesn't mean your weak, your not independent or your a bad wife. It's a good idea to save money and if your new to marriage and motherhood. So stop putting people down for moving home!

C. - posted on 02/05/2010

4,125

35

238

Cheri, just b/c you've had family issues in the past doesn't mean history will repeat itself now. I used to have problems with my mom as a teenager, and I had to move back home while my husband is deployed for various reasons, but we aren't at each other's throats like we used to be. It's called growing up and realizing how stupid all those little fights- and at times BIG fights- used to be. And just b/c someone moves home for ONE deployment, doesn't at all mean that they will move home for EVERY deployment..

Cheri - posted on 02/05/2010

29

20

1

I believe some people have a harder time dealing with separation and loss than others. I was fairly independent as a teen, and left my parents home when I was 17, by choice. Family issues, if you know what I mean. Having issues with ones' parents helps to not fall into wanting to go back home and live with them. But like Katie, I didn't choose to go home because I believed that if I did it the first time; I would do it every single time. I don't want to be that kind of spouse, let alone woman. There will come a time where I will have to do things on my own, what better a time to learn how to cope than when you have a community to support you. Maybe you can befriend the older moms or find moms your age, that like you, haven't left? Good luck to you!

Katie - posted on 02/05/2010

204

62

15

i agree with you. i told my hubby that i am not running back home if he gets deployed bc i need to learn to be on my own...visiting is a different story but not leaving when hubby gets deployed.

Christina - posted on 02/05/2010

9

5

0

Not everyone goes home. My husbands first deployment was while we were stationed in Hawaii and second and third deployments we were stationed at FT. Campbell. I did not move back home for either of them.. Some women just feel more secure being with family during their spouses deployment...

Stacey - posted on 02/05/2010

3

3

0

I posted my reply before I read the other replys. I think that this bashing is a little rediculous. I don't move home to live with my mom and dad! Moving home doesn't always have to be about parents. Its more about familiarity and saving money. If I stay here we will save less than half the amount we will save by me moving home. I do own a home in my hometown. My family rarely babysits, but it is still nice to be home where things are realy familiar. A wife that stays near post doesn't make her a better wife or more supportive or even stronger. A wife that moves home doesn't make her any less supportive or a weakling! I don't know why it matters! Its just as rediculous as saying a wife that lives off post hates the military while a wife that lives on post is a better military spouse! Neither is true! You are a military spouse that loves and supports your husband and the military NO MATTER where you choose to live! And keep in mind that some of these wives are NEW wives, NEW mothers and NEW to the military and it is better for them emotionally to go back home. You can ALWAYS move back before your hubby gets back! HE won't notice or care either way. MILITARY WIVES arent, as a group, bad people. Some women suck and some don't - and you will get that whether they are military or not. No one should ever say that all military wives are bitchy rank wearing women cause that isn't fair or true. If you have 1 or 2 run ins with just basic wives that aren't part of an FRG or whatever - and they were terrible - it was because of THEM - not just because they are military wives. And if you stopped all interaction with wives after that - that is on you - not wives as a whole. I support my husband - LOVE the friends on make on base, like the base I'm at and support the military - but FOR ME AND MY FAMILY - it is a better choice to go home for the year he is deployed! And she asked for personal experiences and reasons - not judgements on the choices of others.

Lorie - posted on 02/05/2010

7

5

1

I definitely do not look down on people for going home. The support is a must and sometimes we as spouses do not necessarily get what we need from our friends that we get from family. I myself I think am just to stubborn to move back because my entire family said I wouldn't make it a year away from home.. I proved them wrong lol.. I wish you lots of luck..

Stacey - posted on 02/05/2010

3

3

0

Well - I plan on moving home to save money. We live on base and they take our whole $1000 + BAH to live here and this place isn't worth it! I have a home that I pay monthly for back in MO and it is only $450 per month. So - on top of his deployment pay we will make our whole BAH and I just can't pass up that savings! We have debts to pay off and want to pay off his truck. SO - while I have great friends here and like the base, it just isn't worth it financially. Plus - some people like to be near family. 2 or 3 friends that are supportive can't always make up for family willing to babysit or give emotional support all the time!

Lorie - posted on 02/05/2010

7

5

1

I myself went home the first deployment because we were here at fort hood only 2 weeks and we were living in a hotel. But I have stayed in Texas myself the last 3 deployments. I haven't figured it out either. But to each his own.

Meredith - posted on 02/05/2010

93

6

4

i think you need to STFU.. I was living in a foreign country, pregnant for the first time and going thru my first deployment.. I had only been in the country for 4 months before he left. my FRG is a JOKE! and so is my husband's unit. I found support and survived.. If you need to rely on an FRG then maybe YOU should move back with mommy and daddy and quit your bitching.. i WISH i had gone home! you spend so much time away from your family it's NICE to be able to spend a long time with them.. especially when th husband's gone..

Liz - posted on 02/05/2010

2

7

0

This is exactly why we choose not to live on base, why I don't participate in FRG, go to any Spouse luncheons, etc. The other military wives! There is no support in this forum whatsoever! This is why my family and I choose to make our ties in the community instead of just the military. We live off-post, our son goes to school off-post where I volunteer, I also volunteer in our community, we go to a church off-post. We set up a support system off-post so when deployments happen my friends don't all leave. Also, simply because I made a different choice than someone else (which by the way doesn't make someone judgmental just because they don't agree with you) and choose to stay doesn't mean that I obviously haven't been through many deployments. This spring will be my husband's 4th deployment in 6 years, not counting the 5 TDY trips, and untold amounts of training that took him 2 weeks here and 10 months there. If I left everytime he was gone, I might as well buy a house where my parent's are and just come visit my husband when he comes back! Thank you ladies for reminding me yet again why I made the right choice in staying away from other military wives, there's just too much whining.

Heather - posted on 02/05/2010

4

27

2

I moved to my parents house when my husband deployed and my daughter was 4 1/2 weeks old. It was nice for my parents to be able to see their grandchild grow the first 6 months of her life and gave me the opportunity to be around my friends who were also new moms. Unlike Seattle the Seattle area where i only had 1 real friend at the time i was happy to move home and be around all of my friends i had grown up with and collecting BAH was nice too.... i didnt completely move out of my apartment tho so i still had to pay rent but had money electricity bills and such so it was easy going back but medical for a temp location was a pain in the butt.

Beth - posted on 02/05/2010

274

18

67

Most military wives/moms go home so they aren't left alone in a place without family close by. I've never found the FRG to be helpful in units we've been in. Moving back home you get help with the kids, grandma and grandpa are there to give them extra love they need with daddy gone. And gives mom a sitter she know's she can trust and will give kiddos the extra they need.



And to those of you judging those of us that have gone home. You obviously havn't been through very many deployments that put your soldier,sailor, airman or marine under stress. If you are in a place where you have the mental , and physical support you need and your children need it's one less thing he has to worry about. He can keep his head on the mission.

Liz - posted on 02/05/2010

2

7

0

I understand some military wives need a little extra support so they turn to their parents. However, military life is hectic enough with frequent deployments, TDY trips, moves across the country, training schedules, days in the field, etc, and sometimes we need to see past our own insecurities of being on our own for the sake of our children. Even though it's tough, I choose not to go back to my parents because it's better for our child to keep a routine, to have his friends, the same school, church, and well, the same social support that being here provides. I think it's more beneficial in dealing with deployment if regular life doesn't just stop because Dad (or Mom whatever the case may be) isn't home.

[deleted account]

My hubby's been in the military for 20 years now. When we made our first move, he got deployed after three months. I literally knew no one, and we didn't live in military housing. I would NOT have been comfortable, or safe, staying in our home... I was stuck in the NC boonies (that's all we could afford) with a newborn. I was very intimidated by anything military and my husband barely knew enough to be helpful. Plus, the military offered very little support system, back then, for the spouses of deployed members. Over the years, the kids and I have moved back home several times- it was a solid & stable support system, when I had none at the base du jour. I've weathered deployments "alone," but it was never enjoyable and often made much more stressful than was necessary by other spouses. Plus, it's hard enough raising kids with a husband there to share the responsibility!
Fortunately, L.I.N.K.S., the FRO, MCCS, & Navy/Marine Corps Relief programs help make things more family friendly and help educate families about the military and the programs available. But, when it comes down to it, a great extended family/parental support system is always gonna be my number one choice. I don't consider it "running away." I loved getting to share our kids' childhoods with family. They loved it too. It was a real blessing. I wouldn't change a thing! Yes, we should support one another, but we also shouldn't make other spouses feel guilty for seeking the help they know they need.

[deleted account]

I understand your delema. I moved to NC from Ohio back in March. My husband was suppose to deploy in August but ended up staying behind with one of his superiors 'cause both me and the officer's wife were having a baby soon. I had the baby at the beginning of September and he left in October. So I had some help the first month. He took care of our first child, whom is 2, while I took care of the baby. But after he left I didn't move home, but I know a lot of wives have. I personally don't understand it. I mean it doesn't make any sense, they are only going to be gone for a year or so and, in my husband's case, if they can deal with extremely harsh conditions then I think that I can raise two kids on my own with no help. I mean raising children isn't that difficult.
My parents really wanted me to move home, as did my husband's parents. But I told them, and everyone else who asks why I didn't move back, that this is my life now. I can't go running home everytime he leaves. This is my home now. I need to grow up and be a big girl and take care of my own family. This is going to be my life for a long time and I need to get use to the fact that he isn't always going to be here, and I can't uproot myself and my children everytime he leaves.
I can understand why wives go back. It's easier...but easier isn't always best. Like Shannon said, it would be a pain when he comes home if I had moved back home. With housing and all that. Another good reason to stay on base. Because the last thing I want to deal with when I can finally be in my husband's arms again is housing.

Berisha - posted on 02/05/2010

3

52

0

I was preg with my 2nd child when we first came to Hawaii. He deployed when my child was 6 mos and I didn't go home. I wanted to leave so bad. The 2nd deployment I went home because I had just had my 3rd child and I didn't want to be here on the island for 15 mos without family or friends. We are going on our 3rd deployment and I am staying here again. I wouldnt go through all of the moving and stuff again, but I will go visit.

[deleted account]

My husband just deployed for a year, but I'm staying to give the kids some stability -5th and 1st grade. At 45, going home to Mom and Dad means going home to a horrible situation with my Mom in a nursing home and my Dad pulling his hair out - not a good situation to bring the kids into. I can't imagine being 21 and married and pregnant. I guess some people grow up faster than I did - I was still enjoying college and looking forward to a career first at 21 with no idea that I would marry my then boyfriend 5 years later and still be married to the military 20 years after that! Hang in there - there has to be at least a couple of gals around in your shoes, and the Family Readiness Center (not sure what the Army calls it) has lots of resources and people you can talk to about anything. Another good resource is Military One Source. I used them to get some free counseling when my son was depressed with Dad gone last deployment.

Aimee - posted on 02/04/2010

1

16

0

If the people you meet are true friends, you can be anywhere to give support and get support from military family. But unless you are not close to your family, there is no better support than to be loved and accepted unconditionally. My kids need their grandparents and my grandparents need my kids. And family helps with kids and everything else so much better than neighbors and military. After 12 years of experience and 9 deployments, I know that I can call on my family much more than neighbors and friends. Kids need that kind of support when they are missing their away parent. I also found that during my pregnancy with my son, I could not have gotten through many issues and milestones without my mom. Tricare/military doctors do not let anyone in to appointments, ultrasounds, or medical treatments unless they are family. Those things that come up, bad and good, during pregnancy are difficult to go through when you are alone. I don't give up my house, nor do I stay the whole time my husband is gone, but I do go back for a long time. I have no problem having my friends take care of my house or get messages to me, or just be there to talk.. Military life is not an easy choice, family is a huge help.

Laura - posted on 02/04/2010

1

10

0

I am 27 and have two kids ages 7 and 5.. when my husband deployed he had only been stationed in Ft. Bliss 6 months the day he left.. I am from a small town and Ft. Bliss was huge to me! I still didn't even know my way around and i had met a few good friends but i had to choose.. Either stay there with people i had only known for a few months and rely on them for support or go back home and move with family.. If i didn't have kids the choice would be easy and i would have stayed.. but i had kids who relied on me now that their daddy was gone more than ever! I had to have a good strong support system who i could rely on to give my kids all the support and stablity they needed in such a difficult time.. Plus for them moving back home was like their light at the end of the tunnel.. yes daddy is leaving and he will be gone a long time but... we get to go back and see grandma and grandpa and all their aunts cousins etc... Also my husband was super relieved cause he wasn't so worried about how i was doing while he was deployed and he could really focus on getting the job done over there and staying safe...

Mary - posted on 02/04/2010

6

52

0

Out of the 20 yrs in service my husband has in the Army & from the many deployments he's been thru, I've never moved back home & couldn't imagine doing so. Well, first I was in the Army @ the same time, so my job kept me busy & of course had to stay there. But once I ETS out after I had my son, I still continued to stay put, because this was 'our home', & I want to try to make it as normal as possible for my kids while their dad is gone. And that means continue in the same schools w/ their friends & the same activities that they do & such. I wouldn't want to be somewhere else except here @ 'our home' we made together, waiting on him, but just keeping busy. I honestly don't know why the wives that do move back home put themselves thru all the stress of moving to & from, w/ kids & all, by yourself during this time. It sounds like too much work. BUt I do understand that the idea of being w/o your spouse & support for so long can be too much & sometimes family can fill that void while he's gone. But I personally do not want to move back in w/ family-cause they would jsut drive me nuts & to not have my own stuff, where I can feel comfortable, will make me go nuts, as well, ha! I know, to ea their own, but for the ones who have bought a house or the ones that live on post-why would you up & move?? We bought our house-so this is where we are going to stay, waiting for our loved to come back home here, where he left from & will return to. That is just my thoughts on it.

Kathy - posted on 02/04/2010

76

20

0

A lot of the younger wives move home to save money and to give them some kind of security when hubby is gone. Families are great moral support when the deployments start for them at a young age. Once they get into housing they usually don't move as quickly since the waiting list is longer when they return from deployment and not so easily obtained. It also enables them to have some help with the children. The spouse has help if she has a doctors appointment or is sick. As they reach an older age they tend to feel their place is at their home and not mom and dad's. They also have kids in school whom don't want to leave their friends. Since adjusting with every new PCS orders as mothers we tend to prolong their separations from their friends when it is a choice. As a military wife I can vouch for the fact that when he left on deployment the car would break down or broken bones and sick kids began to surface. It never fails if he left something went wrong within 48 hours of his departure. I learn real quickly to keep contact with the Ombudsman to keep me informed of the ships moving and status of my hubby. The wives also get together and some bond for an everlasting friendship. My best friend I met when my hubby was out to sea. We have remained friends for over 20+ years. It's all about staying busy and having a positive support for you to remain strong for him to be able to do his job and return home ASAP to those who love him most.

Veronica - posted on 02/04/2010

138

33

15

There are many reasons for wives to go home. Some are reasonable, like going back to school or saving on rent and pocketing BAH. I understand it but don't think I would ever do it! Of course, we have crazy circumstances that had us living apart for not only the last deployment but a year on either side of it! This upcoming deployment will be happening right after a PCS and I'll be at a new base with a 1 year old and 2 labs! (Plus, we're TTC) Its a personal decision. I too think many can't handle living a alone, but others do have valid reasons. Many think they are going to get support at home and by the half way pont have realized that nobody at home can offer the right kind of support, or are ripping hair out at having to live with their parents again! :P

Marisol - posted on 02/04/2010

4

30

0

I don't know about most, but as a military wife and spouse, I do not move home during deployments. To me it's just easier staying home, keeping the same routine with my kiddos and everyday life activities. But I do think a lot of moms move home due to maybe support during deployment especially if she doesn't have any where she is at. (Help with children) or maybe to keep busy and time go by a little faster. During deployment I have found that we learn what our strengths are as a woman. I have discovered that I can do certain things on my own and not need my spouse or another man to help me take care of. I am on deployment #5.

[deleted account]

@Brittany it was the way the question was worded "how are we suppose to give each other support and be there if everyone runs scared back to mommy and daddy..." She could have just asked why do people move home to be with their families instead of staying back and supporting each other. That is what started the cattyness. LOL

[deleted account]

Most do because it is more beneficial to them. It's a personal decision and to offend them by saying they are "running scared" is ignorant. You can still give each other support without needing to be there. I have many close friends who I kept in touch with and are still very close friends with even though we have now all PCS'd to other locations. Every place is different and offer different support structures. My FRG was non-existent because Ft. Story was such a small installation, but I still made it a point to help in any way I could. To make the comment that the deployed servicemen and women have to be alone overseas so why can't his/her spouse stay at home and wait for him is also ignorant. As a military wife you learn to call many places home and if you are an independent and self sufficient woman, you keep yourself busy and continue to do your business whether or not they are not there. Just because they are overseas doesn't mean you are no longer supporting them or waiting for them if you are not at the current duty station. It also does not mean you stop living your life. Instead of making the deployment into something worse than it already is, you should do things that'll also give you good memories to remember that time while they are away.

Brittany - posted on 02/04/2010

11

12

1

I find it amazing that one person asks a question and so many become so catty. From the bases that I have been to with my husband (Ft Campbell, Ky & Schofield, HI) not many of the wives are very social, when you try to be, they usually but not always, ignore you. With our first deployment together, I tried living alone (pregnant) for about 6 months. I actually moved in with my grandmother in my 9th month of pregnancy. Not to save money, I was actually scared of the complex I was living in. Gunshots at 2-3am loud music, blah blah blah. Now if my husband deploys from Hawaii, which is doubtful, I will DEFINITELY go home....our BAH here is 2,094 a month.

C. - posted on 02/04/2010

4,125

35

238

Jess, I called you out b/c it seemed like no matter what the woman's reason for leaving, you would judge her no matter what. And there was no hostility. If you're referring to me using CAPS, I just use it to stress my words, not yell (now, if I am in a very heated discussion and I'm using almost all caps, then I may mean it as yelling, but when it's just a word here or there, I generally use it to stress a certain word). I have used that method for years, so it's hard doing the whole asterisk thing (**) b/c all caps comes more naturally. Sorry. But like I was saying, it just seemed like you would judge a person no matter what their decision was and I was trying to make a point that no one here has a right to judge the other just b/c they moved back home. It doesn't mean they are running scared so mommy and daddy can help them b/c they don't know how to handle anything, sometimes people do it b/c they have actual reasons. For me it was partly b/c my disability and partly b/c my depression, for another it may be that she just needs that emotional support. Or maybe it is to save money.. But who are we to judge? It's their decision, for their family, not ours. That's all I was trying to say.

Jess - posted on 02/04/2010

106

11

9

Wow! What's with all the hostility? If you dont like the thread or can't accept people's oppinions then why be here? This is a place to discuss things and connect. It is not a place attack each other. All I was doing was agreeing with the originator because I felt like staying was the best choice for me. I was also explaining that where I am located it is common for wives to be pressured to leave the island when their soldier deploys. That's it. If you chose to go and it worked for you then GREAT! I do not mean that in a sarcastic way. It was a good choice for you but it would not have been for me.

Annmarie - posted on 02/03/2010

1

10

0

when we first got married and he deployed alot went home i didnt. but i am moving to fort stewart in may and i hope to have the same luck meeting people.

[deleted account]

I feel the same way. I don't understand it either. We live in Fort Lewis, Wa. We moved here just before my hubby deployed. I didn't get to meet any other wives because they all left.

Amy - posted on 02/03/2010

1

20

0

Before my oldest started school, we visited home a lot. I never cleared housing. I wanted her to be able to spend time with her family while her daddy was gone. Since she has started school (she is in 4th now) we no longer go home. I think it is important to give them a since of stability and normalcy when they are in school rather than uproot them in the middle of school terms. It is a personal choice that you have to make. What works for some, may not work for others. Good luck!

Tara - posted on 02/03/2010

2

16

0

@Shannon....I really don't think you have a clue. So just because your husband is deployed you have to stop having fun? Our husbands go through hell over there, no one can dispute that, but you can't put your life on hold while he's gone. How fair is that to your children? I'm not saying you have to move home, that's a personal decision that each family makes, but don't judge those that choose to.

Tara - posted on 02/03/2010

2

16

0

Ok seriously is it anyone elses business if they move home or not? It is a personal decision that each family makes based on their circumstances. I don't think you are supporting your husband any less is you stay or move to be with family. You shouldn't judge other people. So instead of worrying about the ones who moved back home, make friends with the ones who are still there. It's childish to say that you think they are running scared to mommy and daddy because you really have no clue as to what their reasons are.

Louise - posted on 02/03/2010

21

37

1

I agree with you Courtney as I am moving in with my mother-in-law not neccesarily to save money but that is a plus that we will be able to save alil maybe for a vacation or a much needed new vehicle, but the main thing is the support family gives unlike a friend, even though I have friends that are like family to me still God gave us our own families and it's our job to nurture them especially to instill those family values in our children.

Courtney - posted on 02/03/2010

69

11

5

Well, I moved in with my husband's mom to save money while he deployed. He deployed when our child was 7 weeks old, and got injured and just recently came back home. Deployed spouses do need support, that's why a lot of us go back to our families.

Louise - posted on 02/03/2010

21

37

1

I can only speak for myself and speculate on others, but I myself am moving back to Cali for a year to be with my in-laws because we have a new baby on the way and I believe it's important for her to be around as much family love and attention as possible while he is away and it helps us all feel closer to our husbands and not so depressed when there's plenty of family around whether it be his family or mine. Friends are cool and all especially cause they can really relate to what your going through but there's nothing like family to support you and your kids. Not all moms or wives can pick up and leave because of job commitments or maybe they don't have family to support them. I look at it as a blessing and a great opportunity to be able to be with family during deployments it's not running back to mommy and daddy as you put it. Friends will still be there wherever your at if they really are your friends and probably will be there when you get back. Lets face it alot of us move anyways every 3 years or so to different duty stations and make new lives and meet new friends, so I believe it's important to be with your family whenever you can to keep the ties and bonds for our children sakes.

C. - posted on 02/03/2010

4,125

35

238

@Shannon and Jess.. Try being a 16+ hour flight away from your entire family, not knowing anyone where you're stationed, can't get to the stores or anything.. You all have NO right to judge ANY military wives that move back home! How is this supportive?? Commenting on how bad these people are to their families and how bad it is for the children.. YOU don't know the wives situations, YOU DON'T know what's best for THEIR families. Everyone has to do whatever holds their families best interest.. You are not to decide for everyone else what is best. You can only decide for YOUR family. You can agree with Amber til the cows come home for all I care.. Just know that when you have no right to sit on your butt and judge someone when it was the best decision for them and their family, there will be a retort defending those women. You have obviously NOT been in our situations, therefore YOU cannot say what's best for OUR families.

Rachel - posted on 02/03/2010

7

4

3

I check into this board every once in a while, but never post. This thread really bothered me. I've been married to my Marine for 10 years. It hasn't always been easy, and my husband and I have always done what we thought was best for our family. When he deployed we were stationed in California, all of our family is in Indiana. At the time we had one child and she wasn't in school yet. I wasn't very close to the wives of the guys my husband was deploying with. I wasn't working and really saw no valid reason to sit around by myself for 6+ months. So, I went to my parents house, because that is where I felt comfortable and felt that it is where I would have gotten the best support. Besides that I looked at it as a wonderful opportunity for my daughter to get to know her extended family better, and for them to know her. My husband supported this decision fully and encouraged it. He felt better leaving knowing that I was with my family and not sitting alone in California with no one. Being home definately kept my daughter more occupied than I ever could have done on my own! We are looking at another possible deployment within the year and this time I am staying on base. My daughter is now in school and it doesn't make sense to take her out while he's gone. We've also added to our family and have two sons now as well, and traveling with 3 kids alone is a heck of a lot harder than traveling with one! Each woman does what she feels is best for her during a time when emotions are running high and stress levels have about reached a breaking point. It isn't helpful or supportive to be critical. Nor does it mean that because that woman feels more comfort and support from her family that she is in any way weaker than those who decided to stay on base. Believe me I felt my husband's absence just as much and missed him terribly. I know where I am now there are programs and groups on base that help the families during deployments. Look into programs or groups that may be on base, just because the majority of the wives of the guys your husband is deploying with are leaving doesn't mean that there aren't other wives from other units going through the same thing. There is support there if you look for it. In the mean time, being a military wife is hard enough as it is without us turning on eachother. There isn't one woman who does it better than another. You just have to do the best you can for yourself and your family to keep your own sanity in tact...it's the only way to survive this unique life we have.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms