Why do civilian spouses think they are the same rank as the enlisted spouse?!?

Crystal - posted on 01/14/2010 ( 43 moms have responded )

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I have been going to the park with my kids everyday. 4mos and 15 mos. I heard about 2 playdates at the park we go to. So i tried to meet people there. The first playdate was for infant my 4 mos age. I went and asked if i could join and was snubbed. One of the mom's came to me and said it was a EOD spouse playdate only.
The other playdate was for kids who ran around and not a single person said anything other than hello back to me.
I think it is totally ridiculous for dumb b***hes to exclude people based on their husband's MOS.
If your a person like that, why?

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User - posted on 01/06/2012

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Some women do take it to another level, but yes there are some rules for the officers. I personally am an FRG leader and my husband is a commander. I would have no problem meeting up with another spouse at the park, but it sucks to say that there is a line and a role of "authority" that is there and we must respect that line for our husbands sake. I can not hang out with an enlisted soldiers spouse and talk about personal things, it is completely inappropriate. For the fact that she and her spouse do talk and it's not ok for My husbands soldiers to know him on a personal level like that. It's not that I think I'm better than anyone, it's the respect of my husbands career and his role as their husbands commander. Does that make sense?

Caroline - posted on 01/08/2012

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Ladies,
WOW, what a subject! I am an active duty Army wife and proud of it. Every post I have been to so far the women have been very clique-ish and not too welcoming. I have had the pleasure on meeting women in the spouse groups and all that I heard and seen where women back stabbing each other and there is always that one that tries to control everything. SO for that reason alone I do not associate with the other wives in any group. Let's be real, I am also a military brat in a long line of military people in my family and I was always aware of the line divide between officers and enlisted people. I had a friend that I met while taking classes at a tech school in my town. We had so much fun my daughter played with her daughter we went shopping together and so on.... One day there was a company family day to kick off the 4th of July celebration. And lord and behold I see my friend and I say hello to her. And she i guess had seen my husband's rank on his shirt and walked off and she never talked with me after that. So in class I had the chance to ask her what was the problem and she said, my husband is a Captain. And I said so? What does that have to do with me? She said that since she is an officer's wife and I am an enlisted wife she can no longer talk with me. Yeah, I was really mad but I understood. Our husbands are responsible for us as dependents, and everything we do reflects on him whether it be good or bad. Now I am not saying these women have to be straight b#$^&s! But there has to be some respect for the ethic code that comes with being in the military and being a military wife.

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Sandy - posted on 07/15/2012

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I'm not surprised that the spouses of a certain unit pointedly excluded you from playing with their children or even talking to them. Some people like living in their small little world with a closed minds. Leave them be and move on to bigger and better.

However, non-active duty military spouses do not have rank as their active duty military spouses. There is a certain way to act in public, based on simple common courtesy, but in no way does the civilian spouse have rank, simply because the AD spouse does.

Sarah - posted on 09/11/2011

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In all fairness, although it is not the right thing to do, i have witnessed Officers wives doing it as well. I think i have seen that more where the officers wife is being rude to an enlisted wife. It happens both ways. Its not nice, but its a fact of military life.. I personally think that your husbands rank should be left out of playdates. Im involved in a playdate group at Minot AFB and we are close friends that just dont care about what the other wives husbands rank is lol :)

Elizabeth - posted on 09/08/2011

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I know it is sometimes nice to build a sense of community in a small group, like the EOD folks, or a particular unit. But I usually don't attend that sort of thing. I prefer to choose my friends based on their personalities and interests, not whjat their husband does!! I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Is there a playgroup for the post? Ask ACS, they usually know. Are you someplace where you can find a civilian group off post?

Tah - posted on 09/04/2011

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brandy, i think you may be taking the excuses from officers wives that they cant haang out with enlisted servicemembers wives because it could harm his career...are you sure you want to make this confession..lol, some come on here and say they cant hang out for those reasons, though i know better, trust me i do.when the Higher ranking enlisted wives come on here and act the same way i really love that..lol....

Erika - posted on 09/04/2011

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Many military wives suffer from big fish, little pond syndrome. I'd never ask to go to some one's playdate who never acknowledged my existence. I wouldn't let it get to you, but you kind of set yourself up on that one. Why bother?

Brandy - posted on 09/03/2011

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Crystal- we r stationed at Schofield and live on post! I believe Hawaii Army wives r the worst! I am an officers wife but I have found that I am more comfortable and love enlisted wives! My neighborhood is so snobby nobody ever speaks! My best friend her husband is enlisted! We all grill and hang out every saturday night! Anyways I have a 19 month and 3 yr girl and a 7 yr old boy! Let me know if you wanna hang out at playground someday! We have a yr left here! Email me at brandynbarber@gmail.com

Sara - posted on 01/23/2010

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I wouldnt worry about it the only diffrence between you and them is this you have a "higher rank" just based that you dont boast about it . I had a few encounters with wives like that so i just say "Oh im sorry i didnt relize YOU go and are incharge of x #of soliders you just like the money...." and walk away petty yes but it makes me feel better that i dont use my hubbys rank to belittle anyone (and hes a nco)

Donna - posted on 01/23/2010

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Monica has it so wrong.. my husband has been part of the nuclear navy for 30 years.. you are so wrong.. you can talk about what he does, no secrets.. and not talking about it because you think people will really care how much he makes is so sad...again there is not a rule that non military spouses can not hang out iwth enlisted non military spouses ..spouses that are non military are just that.. in my husbands 30 years I have had friends that were enlisted wifes and some that were officer wifes.. we did not treat each other any differently.. and when we got togther we did not even talk about the boat..we talked about our lives, our children, recipes, jobs.. etc etc etc.. no reason for wifes to be discussing the military job anyway... we are not doing this job...

Donna - posted on 01/23/2010

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I also disagree with Deleceia... my husband has been active duty for nearly 30 years...the same rules do not apply to civilian spouses, why would it. you are not in the military, your husband is.. there is no rule that says officer spouses and their children can not hang out with and play at the park with with enlisted wifes and their children.. these officer wifes choose to because they think they are some how better then enlisted wifes.. which if you think about it all are needed and work equally at the job and their goal is the same .. to protect our freedom.. married to an officer or enlisted.. be proud and work to support each other instead of hurting or putting down each other

Donna - posted on 01/23/2010

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I have to dissagree with Kristina D.. you as a civilian spouse DO NOT carry the same rank as your military spouse, how could you.. you are not in the military, therefore you have no rank...

Louise - posted on 01/22/2010

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I totally agree when we first moved to this station we chose to rent a house off base for many reasons, so also being new to the Army I didn't understand rank or get a chance to really be involved in on post activities to get to know much about anything. Well i started an in-home day care business and posted on line. Surprisingly I got lots of responses from military wives on post and accepted a few. I was told of ranks by the mothers of these children I cared for but again it meant nothing to me. My husband being at the bottom of the totum pole at the time E3 i thought everyone was above him, but what difference should that make?!... Well I have children of my own and was invited to a birthday party of two of the children I watch from post. When I told my husband about it his first reaction was what rank is her husband i casually said a 1st sgt and he flipped out. I didn't want to be rude and decline the invitation after I had already accepted so we went it was awkward to say the least every other mother that was there was E7 or above and I could not even join in any of the conversation. My husband sat by quietly then after a few hours we left, but I will never put myself in that position again nor my husband. Unfortunately this is how things are it's terrible but true we do wear our husbands ranks whether we like it or not.

Louise - posted on 01/22/2010

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I've never been on a play date but I feel you on the whole MOS thing, I refuse to go to FRG meetings for the same reason all ranks kinda stick together and feel either above and below. I think it's the Army's fault they approach everything by rank and MOS status and therefore instilling this thought process in the families. Not fair or even civilized but that is the way it is and seems always has been.

Deleceia - posted on 01/22/2010

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Dont take it personal like my husband because of his rank isn't allowed to hang out with certain ranked ppl and so the spouses basically have to follow the same rules...with the children though i think it's kind of stupid...they're kids hell let them play together!! They don't care what rank you are!!lol

[deleted account]

I agree that it is stupid. Those women must not realize that these men are fighting for all of our lives. They are still a soldier just like any other so why does it matter what rank you are. It doesn't matter, but these women really think that it does. I know that it used to matter back in the day, but times have changed.

Chrissy - posted on 01/21/2010

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I grew up as an officer's child and always hung out with enlisted kids. In fact, I married my 8th grade boyfriend whose father was enlisted. There aren't rules about kids hanging out.

The only way that you wear your husbands rank is by representing him. If you "act a fool" on post, expect your husband to get heat about it. Believe me, I have seen husbands lose rank over his spouse's ridiculous behavior. Other than that, his rank says nothing about you as a person. As someone stated above me, his rank is his accomplishment, why don't you ask me about mine?

Monica - posted on 01/21/2010

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My husband is Navy, he's part of he nuclear Navy so that seperates us. I grew up a child of the Air Force and in the Air Force airmen of the same rank are paid the same. In the Navy that isn't true. I didn't know this when we got married and soon discovered that if I wanted to keep friends I couldn't tell them my husband is a Nuke because they knew he got paid more than their husbands. We went from enlisted to Officer back in 05 and since then I haven't been to many functions with other wives. I don't want to get caught up in that world where my husband's rank is my status symbol. My husband's rank is his accomplishment. I want to recognized for my accomplishments so I don't tell a lot of people, especially women, that my husband is an Officer. I work part-time at one of the exchange's here and if too many people knew about my husband it would cause drama. People expect Officer's wives to act a certain way and I'm just not that person. It is trure that we aren't allowed to fraternize with enlisted families and I don't like anyone telling me who I can't and can be friends with. It's very isolating.

Cassandra - posted on 01/21/2010

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i am with you on that..becasue they all serve for the same purposes and they all put their lives on the line.. They are no better than anyone else that serves whatever part of the military..

Katie - posted on 01/21/2010

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Andrea,
Do your very best to help mend some of those stresses. Since you know what it is like to be an enlisted wife remember this when your husband is commissioned. I am very proud of your husband for taking this step, it is an awesome career move!
You will have a lot of new pressures and responsibilities as an officer wife most of which us enlisted wives have no clue of.
My encouragement to you is keep you head up, remember who you are and where you came from. Don't let the "officer" live change who you are.
Be very proud of your husband!! Support him in everything he does. Enjoy the life!

Dawn - posted on 01/21/2010

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I am a relativly new military spouse, and have only delt with one duty station so far. When we first got here there was a lot I didn't understand and it seemed ridiculous to me. However, after time I now understand *some* of it. The deal with rank is #1, most women are just naturally snobby, (before I make everyone mad, be real, we are!) #2, It causes problems for everyone when 2 wives become friends and the husbands can't be because of different rank. I learned this the hard way when I met a lady at the begginging of my time here. I had no clue who her husband was as we met in town at function for our children. She told me his rank but at the time it meant nothing to me. I knew he was higher then my hubs but didn't know how high..She didn't care as she has the attitude of it does not matter. After some time had passed we were invited to her house for a little get together and I accepted. Why wouldn't I as I like her, and our kids were friends? Well, when it got around that we would be going to her house my husband got his @$$ chewed, and put on extra duties. And her husband got "talked" too by an officer of relativly the same rank. One of the highest ranking enlisted ppl got talked to about who his wife invited over! I was amazed and felt horrible for getting my husband in trouble. Thankfully the other husband, as far as I know, didn't mind so much. As he is high enough to do what he pleases anyway and is also close to retirement. But my husband is still paying for it in some ways. I have Iearned really quick my place as the wife of an E5. Honey, sorry to burst your bubble but we all wear it rather we want to or not.

[deleted account]

I am the Military member in my family. My Husband (to be) is the only - yes the ONLY- non military male spouse on our entire base. Just imagine how hard it is for him. I have a 1.25 yo daughter and a 2.5 yo son, who Peter is taking care of while I am on a tour of duty in Afghanistan, and he has NO-ONE. He cant go to kids play groups, or lunch dates, and cant even get a job, because childcare is so expensive. We posted into Adelaide (Australia) in April, and he doesnt even have one friend there. We live on a farm, so there are no neighbours for him either. Im not saying at all that its not hard for the wives, but not one person has mentioned the non-military male spouses. For me as a military woman, it is just as hard, because the non-military women dont want to know me except to gain informaition about their spouses. Please dont treat the army mums different, and think of them like yourselves and invite them to your weekend playdates, otherwise like me their kids dont get to join the families fun around them and that makes me so sad. I miss my family soooo much. Robyn

Kristina - posted on 01/20/2010

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Well I asked teh same question to my husband. I am a civilian spouse and the way my husband put it to me is you carry the same rank as your spouse. he has personally witnessed some wives insulting a commanding officer and then when her hubby goes back to work they get yelled at and get in major trouble cause their wife was very rude. Its weird how it works but thats how it is. I am very much out spoken and you treat me how you want to be treated. Its unfortunate but then again its the military they do things their way. All i can say is dont bother with them its a waste of time and you can find a better person that will be worth your while.

Amy - posted on 01/20/2010

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I was raised in the military, and then married into it. I have seen this kinda stuff for ever. There will always be that group of women wearing their husbands rank, and i have found its senior enlisted more than officers wives that do it. Who knows why, i agree, with the endless supply of women and kids on each base your sure to find a more welcoming crowd.

Anj - posted on 01/20/2010

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Unfortunately, this attitude amongst some wives has been going on for a long time. It used to be tradition and acceptable long ago...(old school ways). I have noticed over time, the wives have evolved a little better...to be more accepting and mingle with everyone. BUT, there are those who hold on to tradition, (old school ways). Don't waste your energy on them. Have fun with your children and one day other women will cross your path that you will end up being good friends with. :)

Amy - posted on 01/19/2010

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I could not agree MORE. We do not wear our spouse's rank and are no different than any other supportive spouse. I can not stand ignorant women who feel and act as though they deserve me to bow down to them. It is garbage when they think they are better for no reason other than a patch on a sleeve. Ignorance is awful. I am happily NOT one of those spouses and happy to know there are others out there who feel the same :)

Andrea - posted on 01/19/2010

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I get scoffed (sp?) when I tell people that my husband is commissioning as an officer in May! I guess because hes no longer going to be enlisted. (Losing a lot of friends because of it, and I wish it wasnt true because my son will be 2 months the 7th.) People will always be rude and think they are better than you obviously for both enlisted and officer.

LISA - posted on 01/19/2010

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I know exactly how you feel. My husband has been in the military for 9 years. I only have one military wife that I can turn to when i need help or some one to talk to. Eveyone else gave me the cold shoulder. When my husband got deployed.. I was alone. My family and friends tried to help but there was only so much they could do because they didnt know the pain that I was going through. I have found some different mom/ house wife groups that I belong to. Not many military spouces but Ive made some great friendships

Lisa - posted on 01/18/2010

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Poor you! Honestly, the spouse (unless she obviously is in the military and is the same rank as her hubby) does NOT carry the same rank or MOS. She didn't earn it and she does NOT have the right to snub anyone. I agree with Katie Babcock, she said had some great advice.



Forget them, eat some chocolate and go hug those babies of your's!!

Katie - posted on 01/18/2010

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Sadly even though we are supposed to be grown and supposed to have put the childish behaviors behind us, there are some that continue to think they are better then others. They cling to the rank like it makes them something.

Try looking into spouse groups, try connecting with neighbors and such. If you attend church try asking around.

My husband has been serving for 22 yrs and it still isn't easy. Some bases are better than others. At times you will see that things will get better when there is a command change at the base.

Make it a point to put yourself out there and be friendly even though others are not returning it.
There are officer wives that don't try to wear their husband's rank and then there are enlisted wives that will snub the officers wives just because of who their husbands are.

I promise, things will work out, you will find a group you can join and you will be happy.

Keep your chin up!!

Katie

Shanell - posted on 01/18/2010

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That's where we are getting stationed, our babies can playdate together. My son will be three months the 20th, and I don't judge anyone lol.

Crystal - posted on 01/17/2010

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We're in Hawaii. Scholfield Barracks. I know i would rather not be involved with those people. That day i met a couple other moms excluded. It was nice. I guess i just have the worst luck at this kind of thing. I have other friends who have come across people just as nasty. People dont want their kid to play with other children if the parent doesnt kno the other parent. But they dont even want to be introduced.

Regina - posted on 01/17/2010

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All I can say to that is Wow!!! Sorry to hear you had such a horrible experience.

Lindsey - posted on 01/17/2010

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I've learned that many military wives attach themselves to certain friends, or groups, because they can't control much in their lives. They can, however, control who they allow in their playgroups, so maybe that is the issue. Instead of trying to force yourself in their circle of friends, maybe you should start your own, or make friends with people & wait to be invited to a playdate. I don't think you're being extra pushy, but I do believe that if you are a good person, making friends will not be an issue- good people are few and far between on military bases sometime when it comes to spouses! And I did want to point out that although the spouse themselves are not enlisted, they aren't civilians, either. We are considered DoD Enlisted Dependants. Still it;s no reason for anyone to be rude.

Shannon - posted on 01/17/2010

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No spouse holds the military person's rank, though many have tried. Many units do "playdates" through their FRG's and get things going during a deployment, there's no reason to call people names for having something going that you cannot jump into though. There are many groups you can join on a base...try contacting your family readiness center for groups in your area, read the bases website, and speak to your neighbors.

Sofiereynolds3 - posted on 01/17/2010

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FYI, Military spouses(Male and or Female) DO NOT hold rank. In any branch of service, UNLESS you are dual military. However, when out at a "playdate" that is definitely that the place to hold any type of rank - other than Mother or Father. Spouses who do this, need to seek some kind of "self-esteem" course AND "Leadership" course. They do not realize that they "should be" Senior Advisors to other spouses. If these are the type of people that you are running across - you dont need them in your path.. Hold on and you will eventually meet the right group.

Paige - posted on 01/17/2010

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I call BS as well...I am also an officers wife and when it comes to socializing my child, they place NO boundies on whom I can and cannot see. Fraternization code does NOT apply to spouses.You do not need these women, Crystal. Further more, it sounds like you probably would be asking for nothing but trouble if your kids were hanging around with their anyhow. Have you been to an FRG meeting to meet any people in your unit to see if there is anyboby with kids the same age? How about a local bulletin board or a craigs list add where you can meet somewhere neutral first for a coffee (on base, of course, where it is safe!!) and then take it from there? Don't let them get you down, keep gping and get out there! Good luck!

Donna - posted on 01/17/2010

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again theses are wifes you dont want to hang around.. when it comes to wifes no matter what rank husband is, is still just a wife and the husbands rank doesnt matter even if officer and your husband is enlisted.. that rule that some one mentioned about the officer wife, that is not true for the wifes.. and all should treat you equally, if not find some others...

Crystal - posted on 01/16/2010

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I know about frat. not for spouses only sooldiers. And im not worried about it too much. Those kind of people are not worth the tropuble. I really wish someone who does act like that would admit it and say why they are such jerks. lol. My kids arent in the army. They should only be able to have friends whose parents are they same mos as their father. Thank you.

Christina - posted on 01/16/2010

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Although it is kind of odd that they would be exclusive like that, maybe it was a special group and they had organized the playdate well in advance. Either way, spouses don't have rank, period. I'm an officers wife, but I hand out with enlisted wives all the time. In fact, most of my friends are the wives of enlisted. I'd say don't worry about them, they are no better than you, and they don't have a rank. Their husbands do. As far as the MOS thing, maybe the playgroup is part of a special group they have to support each other, who knows.

As far as the fraternization thing goes, that would apply to an officer hanging out with his soldiers outside of work, but it is a different story with the spouses, as they are just that, spouses.

Ericka - posted on 01/15/2010

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it does suck but there are some rules they have to follow too, for example officers and their families are not supposed to hang out with enlisted and their families unless it is the whole squadron/group/det etc. they want to make sure there is no preferential treatment to lower ranking people.

like stated before, you probably wouldn't want to hang out with them anyway if they arent even going to be polite about it. i sure as heck wouldn't want my child to be around them. one thing you could try is go to google and search your zip with play groups or mommy and me that is how i found some fun activities. also, try non military playgroups they tend to be nicer people.

Jackie - posted on 01/15/2010

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Dont worry about it too much. I dont know why some spouses act that way but they arent the kind of people you want to be hanging out with anyways. I understand that it must suck having a hard time finding a place for your and you LO to fit in at the same time but just keep looking you will eventually find someone who is on the same page as you.

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