Why don't I miss him?

Katie - posted on 05/31/2009 ( 24 moms have responded )

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My husband is currently deployed to Afghanistan with VAQ-134. We have two kids under the age of three and this is our second deployment. His last deployment I missed him from day one. I layed in bed and cried for the first hour after he had left. I missed his company, sleeping next to him, hugs, kisses, the whole 9 yards. This time around though, I just really indifferant. I miss him in a way. I know I love him and want him home again, but I don't actually feel like I miss him. I don't get sad or lonely, I don't even really think much about the fact that he's gone. When he gets a chance to call me, we don't even have much to say to each other than "just another day." Most of the time it's 5 min of dead air while both of us do something else, paperwork, dishes, whatever. Is it wrong that I can't miss my husband this time? If anything it is making me feel guilty that I don't. I just need to know if anyone else out there is either in the same boat or has some kind of explination so I don't feel like there is something wrong with me.

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Jessie - posted on 11/08/2013

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My boyfriend is leaving for Afghanistan and I haven't cried once all of our friends have but not me, I think the reason why we haven't cried is because we need to be strong for them

Sabrina - posted on 06/18/2009

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HAHA I am glad that I am not the only one. My DH is a MSE-OP (fancy way to say trucker lol) and he is NEVER home! He calles sometimes when he has the time, but between the babysitting and our son I have 5 kids (plus my 2 mini- doxies) here at the house come 4pm! Wouldnt you know it thats the time he decides to call LOL,. I usually talk to him for 5 mins and then tell him that I love him but with the 5 kids and 2 dogs I have to keep sharp lol. He hates it and usually he says that I really dont need him.



I tell him that I dodnt need him to do everyday things, but I need him to complete my life.



If you tell him that you love him everyday and you need him, it makes him feel like he is still needed at home, and it keeps you from feeling guilty that you arent crying into a bottle of wine lol.

Sarah - posted on 06/18/2009

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Teyaka said it very well. You are busy taking care of everything at home, and don't have the luxury of being able to wallow in your grief at the separation like you did the first time. Besides, the first one is often the most difficult. We're in the middle of just over a month apart due to training, and I have to admit I've enjoyed it. It's nice being in charge of everything, though at times I'd kill to have him back to help. I don't tell him that I enjoy it when he's gone, of course, 'cuz he wouldn't take it the right way. I just tell him about what the kids have done and that we all miss him, and plan the fun stuff we'll do when he's back.

Have you seen the MASH episode where BJ loses it because his wife Peg is handling everything so well back at home? That gave me a new perspective on my husband's point of view, and was helpful when I was figuring out what to say and what not to say.

If phone conversations aren't your thing, try a tape recorder! That way you can include the kids' comments/songs/whatever, plus little snippets of your day as it happens, and he can replay them whenever he likes. We did that when the internet and Skype weren't available, and it worked great for us. Hang in there!

Donna - posted on 06/12/2009

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You are not the only that feels this way, good for you for speaking out, alot of wives would not admitt this...we dont always miss them.. you are acting very mature about it.. you are dealing with this very hard lifestyle..you cant spend all your days wondering about him.. you need to take care of your kids and be strong and get through the days.. dont feel quilty you are not having feelings that are abnormal.. as each deployment comes it gets easier and you find yourself finding things to keep you busy so your not just thinking about him all day long..good luck to you

[deleted account]

I'm kinda glad to finally hear someone else feels like that sometimes. This last deployment he was gone for 4 months and I was also very indifferent. We had the same '5 minute dead air convos' and i went through my days with other things on my mind than him. My sister kept giving me a hard time with little comments about how I must be missing him so much and how could i go on so long without my husband. I can't even tell you why it was different this time than others. We were still very happy with each other when he came home, things are great. Maybe it just gets easier after you've been together longer, maybe the kids (we have one) take up enough emotional and physical space...who knows? But I don't think it means anything is wrong. If everybody only went by how their heart feels everyday instead of using their brains we'd be in a heap of trouble.

[deleted account]

well he should be about +9 and half hours ahead of us. So right now its 224 am here and so it should be about 12 noon next day there. My hubby usually gets ahold of me around 1130 am here. Sorta have a routine. If he dosent IM i know the nets down. He calls on Sundays. But i feel bad for some wives who's hubbys are infantry. Those are the one to worry about

[deleted account]

Suprisingly, It's his and my first deployment. But I got out of the Army to be a SAHM. And I only cried a little when he was kissing me goodbye. Although he's in the Afghan land. Im not worried about his safety as much as other wives were when they were leaving. I know where he's at and I know the chances. We have the same MOS. Don't get me wrong. I have my moments. But we both have so much to look forward to. Exp. with the baby coming!!

Michelle - posted on 06/08/2009

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My hubby is stationed in Alaska, while we have stayed behind in New York (long story, don't ask). So, with three boys under 7, there is really no time to "miss him". Do I feel guilty? No, and neither should you! You are a strong person, and you are a "seasoned" spouse in the fact that this is your second deployment. Men do like to feel needed, but that is extremely hard when the spouse is serving in another country. They can't take care of the every day things. So, when you are on the phone, keep things general... how's your day? how's work? guess what the kids did today? (even if it's something simple or trival, remember he's not there to experience it). And, depending on how soon it is for him to come home, start to "plan" things to do when he's home.



Be strong, be independent, and NEVER feel guilty! We are making the sacrifice just as much as the men are! (and women too who are deployed and left their hubbys and children stateside)

Sara - posted on 06/08/2009

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This is my first deployment my husbend is with the 56th stryker . The first month or so i cried every night every time the phone rang or a knock at the door .

Now ive gotten in to a groove.Were i dont miss him any more so I dont think your alone on this one. It sound wrong and even mean but I am not looking forward to his homecoming to a point .I am so used to doing things by myself . But dont get me wrong i cant wait to see him and hold him. But You are not alone if you ever wanna talk I am here :)

Please dont feel guilty

Vickie - posted on 06/08/2009

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My husband has been deployed only one since in the 18 years I have been married to him. He felt that I did not need him, but he knew I loved him. Yes it is a good idea to send care packages to him. Send a letter stating what you are planning for just you and him when he gets back. My husband wrote me poems when he was in Iraq never new he could write them and I still pull them out of the drawer all the time. Because I do know one thing he is a bolder man when he is fighting than when he is home, because in the 3 years he has not deplyed I have never received a poem. I know who he truly is deep down. He can't say his feelings but he knows how to write his feeling down. You miss him but you are showing a strong front for the children and for him. Sometimes its just the little things but I know what you mean about not having much to say when they do call. But when there is nothing to say just say that "I love you" and "I miss you". Send a recording of the childrens voices.

Teyaka - posted on 06/06/2009

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Don't feel guilty. I can't say that I look forward to my hubby leaving, but I like it when he isn't home sometimes. We have two kids under 2. I am able to get into a nice routine when my hubby isn't home. Not to mention I don't have to share the bed, listen to someone complain that the house is too cold or too hot. Oh, and dinner is whatever I want it to be, no special request. I also feel that not spending so much time up under each other keeps some spice in the marriage. So don't feel guilty that you are not feeling like you miss him, relish it for now. Enjoy the little bit of peace you have. You still love him, deep down you miss him, but if you cry the whole time he is gone you aren't gonna have any tears to shed for his homecoming. You never know, because you are being so strong about him leaving you could be inspiring someone close to you. A few service wife could come to you for the extra support that is needed when a loved one is out and about.

[deleted account]

You are too busy with your babies to miss him, most likely. Just because he is gone physically, he is not gone spiritually. If you love him, then you know it is OK to go on with your daily life without CONSTANTLY missing him. My hubby is in Iraq, and I miss him, but I honestly don't have time to think about missing him with my 3 children. Don't feel guilty, feel happy that you aren't in a depression about him being gone. It just means that you are strong...maybe since he is gone for a 2nd time, you know how to adjust. You are doing a great thing by being a supportive wife and a wonderful mother. And if you feel like you are are at a loss for words...just tell him you love him and that you are proud of him. I'm sure he would like to hear those things from you. Or tell him the latest thing that your children have been up to.

[deleted account]

that's sucks....It's hard to know what to say for me cuz i don't want to say stuff that makes him feel more sad or makes him feel like he cant be here to take care of certain stuff. so what do we tell them to make them just a tad bit happy?

Katie - posted on 06/05/2009

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I wish I could do this, but because of the time difference and his work shift, the kids are long in bed by the time he calls.

[deleted account]

I like sometimes putting the phone on speaker then our 3 kids and I can say in a excited voice that we love him and miss him. each of the kids get to say a little something extra then I talk to him. It takes up a little bit of the dead air if you think you'll have it. if you email him all the time like i do to my husband, you can always re-tell him some of the stuff which i'm sure will sound better with your voice. my husband thought I didn't need him as much anymore untill he got home. then he found out that i do need him tons!! good luck and DO NOT feel guilty.

Stephanie - posted on 06/05/2009

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Like someone said, It's good that you aren't depressed and crying all the time. You are now used to it and know exactly what to expect. Also like another person said.. Try to think of stuff during the days that he don't call, write them down if you have too, so that you have something to talk about. I do that.. I would have so much I wanted to tell my husband or ask him and by the time he'd call I would completely forget what it was I wanted to say.. So, I started writing it down. You can even tell him about the kids.. What they did that day, What they said, What they've learned, etc. I know my husband loves hearing about our son when he calls. Or just even tell him about your drama that day or what you did. Ask him how his day is, If he's liking it where he is, How work is, Etc.

I hope this post helped at all.

[deleted account]

I felt that way too. The first two deployments were not to bad because he wsa gone with the battalion and there were other spouses around in the same boat. His first IA that he went on was very difficult for me since no info was given at that time. I didn't know if I would see him again or when he would be coming home. Then with our fourth deployment I had my daughter and she took my mind of him. I am not a phone person so everytime he call I didn't know what to say, however, I am an email person and would email him once or twice or evn more a day. I also sent him cards weekly in the mail. I am not an agressive person so living without him was okay as long as Iknew that he was okay. My favorite quote is this"you can't live with them and you can't live without them". Good luck with your deployment and you are never alone.

Michelle - posted on 06/02/2009

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This last time when my husband was gone I did not miss him like I did when he was gone to Iraq. I am thinking it has to do with being busy with the kids. We have two of them also and they tend to keep you busy and on your toes. Both of ours were under the age of 5. So between doing for them and then the house work and things like that I did not have time to sit around and think about all the things I was missing with him not being there. I did not have time to be lonely. The kids actually filled that up for me. I did reassure him all the time that I did miss him, because deep inside I did. I also reassured him as often as possible that I loved him very much. I believe when they are gone and they think we are not missing them.....then we are growing from them. I think what you are going through is prefectly normal. It is just a way of life for us and some of us can handle it better than some. I think as long as you know you love him and he knows...and you tell him that you are missing him all will be well. And maybe if you try to have an idea of what to say to him when he calls...even if it is all about the kids he won't feel so left out. Sometimes that little connection can keep them going till the next phone call.

Theresa - posted on 06/01/2009

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I would say try to make an effort to not be distracted when you're on the phone with him. Although it's not easy, it's good for your marriage. It keeps you connected & especially for him, who doesn't have things to preoccupy him. While you're going about the day try to think of which things you want to tell him about & if you absolutely cannot think of anything to talk about, Ask each other silly/deep questions. Although it might feel silly or stupid it's important to invest in one another.

Raquel - posted on 06/01/2009

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Yeah I think it is them being scared that we aren't needing them and that is an important thing to a man. Though my dh understands that I have to take care of the family and things around the house and he is proud of me for that - he is also threatened by it. it is a hard spot to be in and there isn't much more to do than reassure them that we do love them and the rest is up to them.

Katie - posted on 06/01/2009

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Quoting Raquel:

I agree with you Deidre. I use to cry when my dd went on deployment, but after so many times, it is a way of life and you do what you have to do. The one drawback has been my dh perception of how I handle it when he is gone - since I am not showing myself to be upset or crying, he takes it like I am not missing him.



That is exactly how my dh is seeing it.  He calls and I'm trying to wrangle  kids, clean house, or fix a meal and he thinks because I don't sound upset and I say everything is fine, that I'm not depressed, he says that I must not miss him.  To me that's just one big guilt trip.

Raquel - posted on 06/01/2009

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I agree with you Deidre. I use to cry when my dd went on deployment, but after so many times, it is a way of life and you do what you have to do. The one drawback has been my dh perception of how I handle it when he is gone - since I am not showing myself to be upset or crying, he takes it like I am not missing him.

Deidre - posted on 05/31/2009

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There isn't anything wrong with you :) I'm sorry you feel guilty that you aren't around crying all the time this deployment but you really shouldn't. You know what to expect this time around which I'm guessing is helping you cope a LOT, which is great! I don't know how long he'll be gone for but I don't always miss my husband when he's gone for a short period of time. It is different now that we have our daughter, I mostly miss the extra help when he's gone now and the fact that his absence affects her negatively sometimes. But otherwise, I'm okay with it. I go on with life, I email him once a day (and I send pictures usually every other day... if not that, than at least once a week). I'm a very talkative person so I tell him EVERYTHING that happened that day in the email. I don't send pictures with a text email as they have limited space their allowed on the server and sometimes it won't go through due to the email being too big.



Don't feel bad please. You know you love him. Make a care package and have the kids help draw something or another to send him, write a little "I love you" note or two and just think about how he'll smile when he gets that. There's no need to have to cry while there gone.

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