Gotta get it off my chest

Crystal - posted on 08/08/2011 ( 2 moms have responded )

Ok so here are a few things that I have to get off my chest before I spontaneously combust into random pieces all over my kitchen wall.

I've been married for over 20 years and we were blessed to become pregnant after 18 years to what I thought was a beautiful blessing from the almighty. My son is now two and a half years old and I'm pregnant again with another little boy that is due in October. Needless to say, here's what I need to get off my chest:

My two and a half year old has a speech delay which is a point of frustration in itself because when it comes to health issues in life, I have done nothing but had the hard way to go and it's tiring to say the least. Maybe I'm being ungrateful because I haven't had to endure cancer ro any of the other life threatening illnesses out there, but sometimes, you just would like for something to go easy for once in life. Back to my son, now with his speech delay, I'd say he's probably speaking about maybe 30 words so that would probably put him a year behind other children. While he seems to be very smart in other areas and understands everything that we say, he is also very stubborn and defiant to the point where time-outs and taking things away don't work. A number of times I have to resort to spanking which I don't like to do because I don't want to be one of those mothers who has to constantly spank her child into compliance. There are those days when he grinds at me so badly, I hop on my computer and begin to look up "toddler adoption agencies" so someone who has better parenting skills can raise him. Then I feel guilty about that.
Next point - we recently located from the far Southwest to a state closer to our home state because of my husband's work. Needless to say, you would think that all the hoopla that my family raised about us being closer to home would cause them to come out to see me or call more often. Yea, such is not the case AT ALL. My father passed away when I was 17 so that just leaves me with my mother, sister, and brother and a host of other family members in an around my home town. We have been here what will be two months on this upcoming Saturday and have yet to have one visit. So here I am setting myself up to be disappointed yet once again because I felt as though moving closer would make them want to see us more. Nope and if anything, I hear from them less. And it's going to get to the point that once my other son is born, I'm not going to have anything to say at all. Couple this with being at home with my son all day, EVERY SINGLE DAY while my husband goes to work.

Now onto my husband. When we first got married and even when we were dating, like most couples, we had a lot of sex in a lot of places. Of course, now between erectile dysfunction, suspections of infidelity and his job in general, my want or need for him to even touch me has dwindle down to utter nothingness. Couple with this, the fact that we're both 40, he didn't go to any school after high school but yet has a government job that pays well, I went to college (be it not until I was 37) and am sitting at home looking for secretarial work. He continuously states that I'm nosey because I don't just allow things to just be and go with the flow or that I'm old because I don't need Lil Wayne blasting in my ear every fifteen minutes or I'm controlling because I enjoy order (which at the beginning of our marriage was not a problem because he liked how I kept things in order so he wouldn't have to deal with them-now it's a problem). Join all this together with the fact that I recently discovered he was texting some man off craigslist and possibly sending explicit pictures of himself to this person. So needless to say, I texted the person myself and told him to stop texting my husband. Naturally, this person stated that my husband did not state that he was married and if he had he would not have communicated with him at all. Yea ok - and I was born with a big sticker on my head that says "Stupid".

So with all of this on me - I just needed to get it off my chest before I exploded because I don't have any friends to talk to where I'm living because all my friends are in other areas of the country. I just needed to get this off my chest because I have not family to talk to about it with because my mother has a me complex, my sister is working on her own set of issues and she shuts people out all the time, my brother is 17 years older than I am and lives with my mother (need I say more), and my husband says that I'm mean, controlling, nosey, boring, and basically all he sees me as is somewhere to put his penis. I needed to get this off my chest because I'm not working, I'm only collecting a fourth of what I earned when I was working in unemployment, I'm at home with a defiant two year old who acts like Satan himself one minute when we're out in public or at home and a loving child the next (usually when my husband gets home from work). I needed to get this off my chest because I've been to therapy and counseling and while it helped while I was there, it's not helping where I'm at and with my not working, I can't afford to go to therapy here.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest because at this current place in my life, I can honestly say I think I'd rather be heavily sedated than to have to deal with all of this crap.