How do I confess to my teenage daughter about her real dad?

Leah - posted on 07/08/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Long story-I got pregnant from a married man while I was also married. Divorced my (ex) husband (father of 2 my boys), was alone during pregnancy, so my ex claimed my baby (daughter) as his (we were still legally married when she was born) even though he & the court knew she was not his. During the divorce, he even agreed to pay child support for her just like the boys and the three kids have grew up the same w/him as their dad. When my daughter was about 4, her bio dad came back into my life, and after he divorced his wife, we started seeing each other again. Over the course of the last 8 yrs, our relationship has grown, we have moved in together, and he is considered a step-dad to all 3 of my kids. The kids are teenagers now, I think the boys have figured out that my (now) fiance is her bio dad, but my daughter, now 13, is clueless. We are very involved w/my fiance's family, and they know he is her dad, but when they talk about him as her dad, my daughter takes it as her "step-dad" and they understand wh she goes with her brothers to be with her "dad" (my ex). She has a decent relationship with my fiance, but has a real daddy-daughter relationship with my ex. Neither are super dad's, but these guys are all she has known all her life.I know it is just a matter of time before she figures out the truth or is confronted with it. I don't know how to tell her, I know I waited to long already, but I don't know how. I know this will break her heart, along with my ex's heart when their relationship will change forever. Please tell me how to do this!!!

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Sophia Marie - posted on 11/03/2012

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wow..be ready for lots of questions well as she being mad as hell at you.

Leah - posted on 07/21/2012

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Thank you for the advice. Her bio-dad had been pressuring me to tell her the truth, and I was putting it off because in the past, he didn't always set the best example as a father, and I figured since my ex husband has been paying the child support for all these years, that he deserved the "Dad" title. Now I realize none of that matters to my 13 year old. Whatever she knows about the past about her dad's is the past and what's important is the future. I did sit her down & tell her.She kinda already had figured it out, but was confused, so I explained how it all happened and how she was so special because she had 2 dads & families that love her (and her brothers) so much. She asked why I didn't tell her sooner, I explained that we weren't trying to keep it a secret from her, but the times was never right to bring it up, and after all these years, it was what is was & I didn't want her to feel different than her brothers, I always wanted her to be happy and she was. There were some tears shed, but she took it very well and I don't think it will change any relationships she has w/anyone, I just hope she appreciates both of her dad's now.

SABRINA - posted on 07/21/2012

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I havent been in this exact same situation, but my mother has. My younger brother grew up thinking his step dad was his real father. My mother went as far as to put "unknown" on my brother's birth certificate to avoid custody battles in the future. His stepfather died when he was 9, and my brother took it really hard. (But then again what kid wouldn't?) My mother refused to tell him about his biological father- even after losing him to CPS when she was dubbed an unfit mother. Being 7 years his senior I decided to tell him the truth when he was much older, and see if he was interested in even meeting up with him. He is extremely resentful towards my mother, along with his biological father because he feels it was his responsibility to reach out. (Even though my mother made it next to impossible for them to connect) I understand that this may be something extremely hard for you, but do feel that you have a huge advantage due to him actually currently being a part of her life. I feel sorry for your daughters bio-dad because it doesnt seem the least bit fair to him. My best advice would be to tell her now that she's young versus later in life. The relationship she has with her actual step-dad shouldnt change much since they are so close- nothing can take that away. I think she deserves to know the truth for not only her, but her bio-dad's sake, too. But thats just my opinion- and we all know what opinions are like! ;) I dont think there really is a "right" or "wrong" answer for this case, but I do wish you the best of luck.

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