Should I repair my relationship or throw it away?

Ixchel - posted on 10/23/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

53

28

2

I hope to get this off my chest and get some feedback that will help me cope. I dispise my mother and step father I use to try and have a relationship with them and they would just shit on me so I am to the point now that when I try to carry on a conversation with them I can barley look at them and I really just want to punch them in the face. Help me to understand thanks I have no relationship with my mom but lies and well hate. I want to tell this story and hope to get as much feedback as possible I am at my wits end and I don’t know what to do. Should I just cut all ties and save myself the heartache or try to repair and have a relationship? So bare with me here goes. I know this will be long but you have to have the background and some other big stuff to try and understand the situation.

My real father and mother divorced when I was 3 we then moved home to my granny’s on the farm. It was a good life we worked hard on the farm and I learned a lot about taking care of oneself and your family. My mom went back to school got her degree and worked I went to school and my granny worked along with taking care of our small farm. Life was good at age 9 in the summer my mother remarried I thought this was great I was going to get a new dad. Then they moved me from the farm and in the fall my father committed suicide. At the funeral his new wife made a huge scene telling me and everyone it was my fault my father did that. I struggled with that for years but I was tough and got through it. After I was moved away from my granny and the farm. My life changed drastically I slowly started to become the 3rd wheel and was given a list of chores everyday that had to be completed before and after school and the list was even longer during the summer months. Once my siblings arrived I was given the chores of taking care of them and the household. I got pushed to the 4th and then the 5th wheel. I was never invited to go and visit my step grandparents( who have MONEY) you will find why later. I truly was a modern day Cinderella I received a small SS benefit from my deceased father and never saw a penny of it. Which I thought was ok it was to go to take care of me. Except that when I turned 16 I had to get a job and was told that if I wanted contacts and hairspray items that my granny had been buying for me. I would have to buy them myself. So I did I had to pay my parents the difference in ins coverage and the money back for the 1100.00 car that I bought to get me to work. I also still had my daily chore lists to do and on my days off I had to take care of my sibs. Which I did not mind I love them. However, I realized that the same rules did not apply to them when they got older. They never had chore list or had to buy their own items. They were never made to even help clean up the house. When I was 16 my mother sign the papers to send me to the military. I had to go to the court house and get my dad’s death certificate. Why did I have to go I think no because my check stopped 3 mos before I graduated high school. When did I leave to 3 days after I graduated high school. I was gone 9 mos when I came home I went home to live at my grandmothers. My parents had moved. But before I left my granny told me that she had given me her home and all the farm so that no one could ever take anything from me again and that I would always have a safe place to call home. After I came home I moved in with my granny and went back to work and school and of course my mom rode my ass telling me, my granny did not want me there. Etc. Well after I while I meet my husband got married moved out. Now 10 years ago I asked if I could take 2 acres of the farm and have granny give it to me in my name and put a house on it. My mom says its ok with me need to ask the other sib my uncle. Well he says no. I find out 5 years ago that reason he says no is because my mother tells him that I wanted to put all the farm in my name to use as a down payment. Not at all what I said so she lied to him so he would say no. Well around the same time I find this out she decides she wants to put a house out there on the farm. Even though she already owns a home. She takes my plan that I thought up and starts telling everybody it is her plan and everybody is like that is great such a good idea, like it was something she thought of first off. Anyway here is tricky part they go to lawyer and have granny who is in early stages of Alhiemzers sign over the 2 acres of property. I believe at this time they wrote a new will leaving the whole farm to my mom and step-father. Granny’s thinking she was only signing to give up the property not the whole farm. Now as granny got more confused according to my slimy step father it was imperative that she give up all her assets home car life ins money everything. Well guess who got all that. That slimy fat bastard. Ok fast forward to Jan 2010 my mother and her brother along with my sibs and step dad all decide it is time for granny to go into nursing home care. No one tells me or asked me I grew up with her she asked me to care for her not them. In August of 2010 I get a text message that the next day granny will be put in a nursing home I had no idea. I ended up in the hospital for chest pains I thought I was going to die. Now fast forward to April 2011 my step grandmother passes away. Now let me give you small history even though I never got invited to go out to my step grandparents My grandma would always send cards for my kids birthday holidays and they always contained a check and not for chump change and I would always send her back a nice letter telling her how we were doing send her pictures of the boys and tell her how thankful we were for her gift. My husband lost his job do to injury and we have struggled so much and she always seem to know when we were struggle so much and she would just send a check. When we went to her funeral people came up to us and told us storied about how she was such a good hearted quite women and she was just like my granny before she lost her memory. Anyway, I fell so sorry for grandpa. Anyway they worked hard and lived modestly. Well 2 days after we came home from the funeral my mother shows up at my house to tell me that all grandma money gets left to pap. I never even said anything my gosh she is not even cold. I said ok. And that when pap dies the 4 kids split the money, nothing is given to the grandkids or great grand kids. I find this funny since my grandpap is who wrote the obituary and the first grandchild listed was guess who me, (the eldest) he even listed my husband, the kid that was always told was not accepted because I was a stepchild, and guess who was listed as the first great grand kids my sons. Who always say yes sir and no sir and always where their hair short off the ears and shirt collar and do not have their pants droopin. See grandpa is a Col in the military retired but he has earned that respect I served 8 years and I believe in respect of your elders and my sons are respectful. Now my Aunt who is my stepfathers sister I think has figured out that if she contacts me and says to come out to visit we come. Ok back to the money 2 weeks after grandma passes I get a phone call from my mother telling me that my dad just came back from paps and that my Aunt and uncle another brother want their share of the money now and that pap wants to give away his money( remember it was imperative that granny gave away all her assets) FYI Aunts husband is big wig for Microsoft (don’t think he needs money) ( uncle works at some computer software company) (my dad in debt up to asshole) So my mom tells me that pap tells dad that he wants to give away all the money ok and that dad tells him that I could use the money to buy a house I have to rent now, My sister could use the money to pay for school all though pap has already gave her a college fund, same as my brother I never got one, because I am not really there grandchild , My cousins My aunts kids are to young for college funds. Supposedly this is what Pap said to my stepdad I only care about my step dad kids, Ok now my mom tells me that my brother says if pap gives just them money that he will split it evenly between all the grandkids. Yeah right just like you are out there livin in the house that granny gave to me.

Now no money that I know of has been given but pap sent me a check to pay for my sons reading clinic he has the same reading problems that pap has and he is really worried and concerned about his reading. Now my aunt called and said she is bring pap in and we are to meet at a restaurant in a few days she is taking to a museum that he donated money to in the east. Now the catcher my parents have not spoke to me texted nothing. They did move into my granny’s home and are renting their home out while I rent I think that is just so shitty. I just not only had to endure being treated badly but I was beat on occasion not spanked beat and I feel so alone. I have had to have 8 major surgeries in 4 years and I just have nodody to care for me since my granny is gone. My mother-in-law loves me more. I just wish I really knew where I stood with me mom any advice please any thoughts anything

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

5 Comments

View replies by

Pat - posted on 11/11/2011

9

1

0

Forgive me if I misunderstood part of your initial message. It's often hard to grasp everything that is being said. I didn't mean it's okay for the child but not the grandchild to get a handout, I mean it's the legal rollling down hill distribution of assets. I certainly wish you a lot of luck in the future. It's painful being separated from family even when we work hard at being strong while building a new life. I don't know how old your children are but your mom is missing precious time with them. It's a very sad situation repeated all over with families as I've come to learn. Good luck, sweetie.

Ixchel - posted on 11/11/2011

53

28

2

@ Pat thank you for commenting on my situation with my mother. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I will speak with her when she calls but nothing more. As for your advice of standing on my own 2 feet I've been doing that since I got my first paying job @ 12 & was made to purchase my own HBA items. I did reference that in the first Q. So I do believe I've stood on my feet my whole life. But here is the confusion why would you say or agree that it us ok for the child of my Granny to get a handout but not the granddaughter? My grandmother did make a will & I plan to contest the will after her passing if nothing more to be a thorn in her side. I thank you for your comments I just wanted to clarify some things. Thanks agian family workings often suck but I have wonderful kids & she will one day need me & my kids way more than we will ever need her so it's her loss not ours.

Pat - posted on 11/10/2011

9

1

0

You may hate me for saying this... but I just read your whole story and here's what I think. First, your grandma sounds like she loved you all but just because she said she would leave you something (the house) doesn't mean she did that. Old people say many things and some times they say the SAME things to different people. You may have been her favorite but without a will you have no recourse. Her kids would get everything. Now, if you are the daughter of one of her kids and that kid had died then you get your dead parent's share. but it doesn't sound like that happened here. Bottom line, honey, as far as assets is concerned is that unless it is legally given over to you it's not yours. Crappy or not. I am sure you miss your grandma but if you are old enough to be married and have your own kids you need to make your own life and your own money. God, I know that sounds shitty... but I went through something similar and I WAS a part of the will because my mother had died. Her brothers and sister totally hated the fact that I got her one sixth of what ultimately was almost nothing. So, as harsh as it sounds nobody owes you anything. Shitty? Yes. But your grandmothers kids are entitled. Maybe your mom will get the farm and will it to YOU. Of course, if you have a bad relationship with her that probably won't happen.
Aside from the money/grandma part of this you need to ask yourself if you WANT a relationship with your mom. If she beat you and abused or neglected you then I'd say you've probably got all you are ever going to get from that relationship. If you have any love for your mom and if she has any for you then it may be good to try to have a relationship with her. You have kids...what is THEIR relationship with her? A grandparent is ALWAYS different than the mom or dad you knew. It's like their way of making amends- and as you know with your grandma, it's a very loving relationship. If you don't let your kids know your mom as their grandmother are you prepared when they are adults to explain why you denied them that special bond?
Best of luck, honey. Life is hard... family can be supportive or they can drown you. Bottom line is you have to stand on your own two feet, create your own family and learn from your sad family how to make a great family. Good luck.

Megan - posted on 11/07/2011

21

30

4

Honestly, Cut your losses and try to move on. You are a very strong woman, you don't need anymore strife. Think about it, Do you really want your children around people with no moral character? I'm sorry about losing you grandman's farm, I know that hurts. If you feel that you must have a relationship w/ your mom, keep it at arm's length.(It sounds like she has kept you at arms length for a long time) It's sad that you won't have a good mother/daughter bond. I'm in the same situation, BUT I have a wonderful MIL. She tends to fullfill me when I need "mothering" I wish you all the best. Just remember, your husband and kids are your immediate family. You needs to protect them, as well as yourself.

Denikka - posted on 10/23/2011

2,144

5

746

Wow. . .I'm not entirely sure what to say.
I would personally just cut my losses. You can't change your parents, you can't change the situation. I say save yourself the pain and cut ties. Create your own family and surround yourself with people you love and who love you back and treat you right :) You deserve it :)

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms