Trying to learn how to deal....

Krystle - posted on 09/15/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I'm trying so hard to be understanding and to be there for my bf through this whole ordeal....he is having to go through depression meds and anxiety meds....he's on Siezure meds too.... on top of everything he also has ADD and ADHD. The poor guy is going through so much right now. But For those of you out there who don't know what it's like to live with someone who is depressed and who has anxiety, ADD, and ADHD....let me tell ya, it can be HELL. It's not his fault, and I know this. But I can only be so understanding to something I really DON'T understand at all. I love him so much! It just breaks my heart to know that there's nothing I can do for him except try to be there for him when he needs me. The thing about all these illnesses is that they each effect the other with great significance. Research shows that each one has a high chance of making the symptoms of one or all of the others worse. We fight a lot. My mom doesn't like him b/c she doesn't understand him...she's never said so, but I think she thinks he's a dead-beat. I've never tried to explain any of this to her b/c she's stubborn and set in her ways of thinking. Someone like her could never understand what it means to have all these mental problems. She doesn't even believe that ADHD is a real mental illness! She thinks it's something that doctors came up with to pass the blame off of the parents who don't know how to control their kids. She thinks that they came up with it so they could invent a medicine (like Ritalin) to halfway sedate out-of-control kids. Seriously. That's really what she thinks...and I'm in no way exagerating. Honestly, that's what I grew up thinking, too. I know better now...I've done a great deal of research on it, it's real. And it's a BITCH (excuse the language) to deal with, whether you're the one with the illness or the one living with the one with the illness.

So anyway...I have to admit that there have been plenty of times when I was ready to throw in the towel. Even as I think if it now, I almost feel like giving up. But I stay with him b/c I love him and I feel like it would make me a horrible person if I just gave up in him now. After all we've been through. It's like these whole 5 years we've been together and everything we've overcome will have all gone to waste if I give up now. Sometimes I really feel like I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do...after dealing with it and trying to help with no avail, I'm at a complete loss. I don't want to give up but my patience is long gone and I'm afraid that is our situation doesn't get better soon then I might have to let it fall apart. I can only hold on so tight for so long..........I love him, but I don't want to end up driving myself crazy in the process of trying to keep him from doing the same. I worry that it's a struggle I can't win.

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Renee - posted on 10/07/2010

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My husband also suffers from depression but won't do anything about it. It really set in 3 years ago when he had to give up his life long dream of being a full time fireman due to injuries. He had been on a volly fire department for over 10 years. When we met he was fit (no 6 pack, but in better shape) now he has just let himself go. He has gained about 100 lbs in the past 5 years, the vast majority in the past 3 years. When we get into arguments or disagreements he will sometimes make statements like he should just kill himself, drive his truck into a tree or off a bluff, go out hunting and never return, he's worth more dead than alive...(we have a 2yr old son & 6mos old daughter). He won't get help because he doesn't want to have "depression" on his medical records because if ever does get on a fire department he doesn't want that to hinder his chances of getting on.
I was put on depression medications when I was a teenager and was on them for about 10 tears until I got pregnant with my son and have not been on them since...although I probably need to get back on them now. I tried counseling but it never really helped. Even on meds the depression never really went away, it made me functional. I thought about killing myself when I was younger, but never did because I thought it was a selfish way out. I was in a mentally and verbally abusive relationship and it really played havoc on my mind and self esteem (which has NEVER been very high). In college I majored in social work and minor in psychology. I was a in-patient mental health social worker. I have a particular interest in mental health disorders.
Part of my husband's issue with not wanting to be "labeled" or go on meds is because of his mother and her parents. They are out in left field with a hole in their gloves. They are paranoid about doctors (I was fine until the doctor said my said I had gal bladder issues. Then I got sick.) But his mother knows all about medicine because she helped care for her dad as he was dying from cancer. She told me it was MY fault I had 2 miscarriages because I was working!! Then I was going to give my son cancer for feeding him out of a plastic bottle and give him Downs for him getting his immunizations! (Hello- Downs is a genetic disease, you are born with it, you can't "catch" it) This is the mind set my hubby was raised in. He is now a paramedic and "knows better" and his brother is a foot doctor. Go figure.
But back on subject here...Between my husband and I both having depression, our relationship is really rocky at times. More times than not I want to throw in the towel but don't because I love him. Not sure if I am still IN love with him but I love him. He comes from a broken home and I can see how it plays with his mind in regards to relationships. I don't want that to happen with our children. I wish you the best of luck with it all. I know how difficult it can be.

Diane - posted on 09/28/2010

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I thought after I'd sent my last reply that maybe I wasn't too compassionate with what I'd said...Krystal, if I sounded as If I've all the answer's that was so not my intentions cause I most certainly do not..And I'm sorry if I sounded judgemental certainly not my intention in responding with you.... all I'd wish to do is share my experiences and hopefully give hope and inspiration to just get up out of bed in the morning sometimes the hardest thing to do... All I want to do for the rest of my life is share my story with other's who struggle day to day with depression as I do. Absolutely in no way do I ever want to be judgemental towards anyone an their struggles..Suicide is a horribly scenitive issue for me and sometimes I may and do preach on about what happens to the future for family & friends they leave behind...I'm so sympathetic with your story probable cause I was you..some years ago.. Krystal,who do you have as a personnel either life coach or support system..This whole ill ness is ugly (true) but doesn't have to consume anyone's entire life..I do know that for sure...I'm still here!! Remember the little ones love you,oodles !! Diane

Krystle - posted on 09/28/2010

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I really apprecate your input and advice. I am trying to get things started for myself as well as keep things moving for him. I'm usually such a happy person and I just want to get back to being the person I used to know. Alex's meds have changed 4 or 5 times now and he's getting ready to go back to change it again.........it's just a waiting game that you play with trial and error and there's so many medications for all these symptoms it's really frustrating at times. It's even harder when I have to be the support system for him, all three of our kids, and myself all at the same time. LOL, that's why this conversation is called "trying to learn how to deal",b/c I am trying.....really hard! It's just sometimes I need a verbal punching bag to get through, and that's a part of why I created this community. So I'm glad to know you care and happy to know there's someone on here who can relate. Now I feel less alone. Thanks a bunch!

Diane - posted on 09/27/2010

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I'm unsure as to the whereabouts you live Krystal but there's a ton of outside resources available for anyone struggling with depression or is the supportive person to someone who is ..most services at surprisingly no cost, you can start by makeing a call to your local health unit for some directions/advice to get started . .I'm sadly very familiar with the after effects of a loved ones suicide a very close family member took his own life (33) followed (12) years later by my younger brother (24) who was a handsome good looking man with his whole life ahead of him...The selfish act these two people made has and will forever change generations of several families..Please Krystal, don't take his comments lightly if you question for one second it's possible,make the call for help....I've had too so far these last 6 months changed medications numerous times not everyone gets the results they hope for right away..if the med's he's on aren't working he should go back to his doctor as many times as he needs to and have his med's changed as many times as it takes...sometimes I felt as if I spent more time at the doctor's then being at home,really !!! lol ..Krystal, you're so right on when you'd mentioned how the years pass by so quickly...they litterly fly by then your a "Grandma" :) So take care of their Mom, your worth it for them..

Krystle - posted on 09/27/2010

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I completely understand what you mean, Diane. I watch him go through all the same things you talk about going through, emotionally. Most days he talks about waking up and wishing he hadn't...he says that the first thing that enters his mind is dying, or ending it all himself. That really worries me, b/c I've had my share of dealing with someone close to me commiting suicide and as much as that hurt to see a friend die so young by her own hand.......it just paints a very grusome and ugly picture if the same were to happen to him. It also makes me extremely angry to hear him talk like that b/c I know how much it hurts the people around you when people do those things and to know that there's a chance that my children might have to somehow try to understand why their own father didn't "care enough" to stick around for them just really breaks my heart in a million pieces. He's on medication, but it's apparently not doing the job b/c he's still on this roller coaster and we're both screaming to get off, but it never slows down.
On top of everything, I have my own personal brand of issues that come from my childhood and possibly passed down from my biological mother. She's a Bipolar-Schizophrenic. I'm possitive I'm not Schizo but I'm not too sure about the Bipolar. I know that I'm some sort of deressed and I probably need meds for it, b/c I feel like I'm not the best mom I could be for my boys. With the energy it takes dealing with both our mental and emotional problems I just can't summon the amount it takes to go out and play with them like I should. I'm so high-strung that I'm always on edge and my mood swings drive me insane. I feel like I take a lot out on them, and since I'm practically the only parent (Alex distances himself from them) I don't get a break. It's consantly go, go, go and then when I can't go anymore...guess what...it's time to go some more...I'm just exhausted....ALL THE TIME. I don't know how much more I can take! It's a vicious cycle that I fear will never end until one day I look up and wonder where the best years with my kids went. I'm so lost.

Diane - posted on 09/23/2010

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Oooh boy, just where to begin...I've been on the depression side of life for so long now I simply can't remember when I felt (guote) Normal!!...It's only been in the last couple years have I been diagnosed with 'Bipolar Depression' ..don't know as finally having a label for what's going on inside me does either comfort or ease the mind but does most certainly confirm what I've always known "I'm not either nuts nor crazy...So for my own 'Journey to a Better Me' I have needed to cleanout the closet of my past.. CRY?.... I'm sure I know totally what cry me a river truly means and I'm not done yet, lol..Unfortunately some family members aren't on board and I've had to release the burden I've carried because of them (guilt &stress)... I'm hopeful that someday this may change and reconnect with them but on my terms... I have done some major group therapy classes, workshop groups with women and men and also a women's Only workshop..Everyone's sharing and intimate life struggles lent a hand for me to see, feel,cry,understand and know I'm not going through this all by myself..So Krystle never give up there's oodles of outside support and comfort for both your friend and yourself as you are his support system..Be good to yourself, your worth it.... "Life is a journey~not a destination"

Krystle - posted on 09/18/2010

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Thank you Aura...Alex actually was diagnosed with ADHD and ADD when he was a child. I'm not exactly sure why, but I know that for some reason he wasn't put on meds for either of them; nor was he given any coundeling for coping. Now, at the age of 24 he's trying to go about everything himself and getting very discouraged. A lot of the time he'll take it out on the person who happens to be sitting next to him and obviously that's usually me. It's just so stressfull~!! Thanks for your support though, that's very sweet of you.

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I'm so sorry you're going through this! I don't have any advice but I can send a big hug your way and tell you to do what you feel is right for you and your child. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, too. My doctor told me that, if diagnosed as a child, you have a chance of overcoming it. It seems I have, but I don't think anyone noticed this in you BF until it was too late. Hopefully his medication will start having an effect and it will get better:)

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