Absent Father for the last 8 yrs, now wants to see child?

Amy - posted on 08/20/2010 ( 83 moms have responded )

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My son's father left after I told him I was pregnant almost 8 yrs ago, in March he contacted me to tell me he wanted to get back in his son's life. His mother also contacted me the same day. I find it distrubing that after all this time, they are contacting me. I met with him a couple times, but I'm not talking to him enough or moving things along fast enough for his liking. A couple weeks ago he threatened to take me to court, there is no paternaty established. My question: What should I do? I don't want to go to court! Since I posted this he has ceased communications. It has been about 2 yrs or so since I last spoke to him, so I guess my intuitions were right about him leaving again. Thank goodness I didn't subject my son to him. Thanks for all the advice given. Have a wonderful day!

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Rotacha - posted on 08/21/2010

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My daughter's father ABANDONED her for 3 yrs before he reached out to us stating the same thing- " He wants to be in his daughter's life!". Of course, I felt very leary of his motives and intent. We had a very long talk about what our daughter's emotional well being. I explained to him that I was concerned about how damaging "in & out" of her life behavior could be. Although I have my own reservation, I came from a place where I focused on our daughter and explained that the parent (custodial parent), it's my job to protect her, even from him. I made it clear that in no way was I attempting to prevent their relationship. I explained that he needed to show consistency,reliability, and genuine concern about her welfare. I explained that although he is her father and I believe he has right to build a relationship with her, he's still a STRANGER to her and that would only change with time, patience and consistency. He understood and agreed that slowly integrating into her life would be best. Now, as for going to court. Let hime know if it goes that far, you would be seeking full custody-after all he abandoned his child for 6 yrs!!! Attempt to be accomodating for the sake of the child. But never go out of your way. If he's sincere, he'll work around your schedule.

Denise - posted on 10/18/2012

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in my state if after 2 years the parent is stripped of there rights

Amanda - posted on 07/12/2012

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i wouldnt let the father back in his life. he didnt wanna be there when he was a baby he shouldnt be allowed to just all of a sudden be in his life exspecially with no explanation. and if he did take you to court there would be NO WAY he would win. maybe only visitation or supervised visition but thats probably it

Jennifer - posted on 06/03/2012

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Don't get ur mind filled with all the negativities, first & foremost RELAX, it's hard I know from experience but this is all in your favor AS LONG as you do NOT have anything he can use against you as harmful for the child. More than likely he came across a female who questioned his role & now has filled his head. If for 6 yrs he hasn't bothered & is threating you with the courts tell him let's go no problem. The courts in many states will favor the parent who has been responsible for the child & question the absent parent & grill him dry. Find thru legal aide to put your mind at ease any questions you may have but don't worry, He has to give you child support & back pay if you act fast enough. If I was you I would go straight to child support & place a case for child support against him b4 he tries to do one against you & trick the courts. Some courts dont catch up to things for years so get a heads up & start to CYA ( cover your ass) NOW. My children are 15 & 12 & their father has been playing with the system for all these years. Thing is he thinks once they graduate there will no longer be support but foolish him As long as they are in school ( College all thru) he has to pay. So I have prepared mentally the kids to go all thru graduate school & hopefully they will. Whether or not he will pay depends on the court but more than likely he will. Tax season looks alot sweeter when he tries to dodge the bullet the year thru. Take it easy dear you have nothing to worry about. But do take legal action of your own right away .

Tasha - posted on 08/26/2010

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who says he can come back when hes ready.... you know what,,,, let your child grow up and decide then if he wants to see his dad.... you cant just make a baby , leave, and come into his life 6yrs later when he is ready... its not his choice to come and go as he pleases... i would go to court.... you will win... he missed the first 6 yrs... no judge will be on his side... sad to say the child has to suffer, but dam he already suffered for the first 6 yrs... this can cause confusion by a "stranger" coming all of a sudden and sayin hi im your daddy!!! men suck

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Anonymous - posted on 12/30/2012

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i am not a mother, but a child who had to go through the loss and refoundation of my family. in my honest opionion i believe that if your child is 10 he should know about his life and be allowed to make the decision of meeting his father again if he wishes, with you there though to make sure nothing bad happens

Heather - posted on 12/25/2012

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My daughter is 2 and her dad ain't bothered with her he said he didn't want to know it as he says and suddenly when she she was near 2 wanted to know only cause the csa after him. Glad he never turned up as he being nasty end the day she got me think no father better than one that lets her down xx he threatened me with court he not fit to be one strange how when there older they want to know its as though all the hard work done they can waltz in x instinct is the best thing x

Julie - posted on 10/31/2012

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His mom should stay out of it ... he is a big boy now -



Go on with your life - I think there's a special place in Heaven for single moms... ♥

[deleted account]

@ Natalie - like you, I live in the UK. I know that new rules/laws have come into force in the UK, which means that grandparents have the right to have some form of access to grandchildren. My ex still lives in the UK, but is in his fourth relationship (that I know about) since we split up 8 years ago. He's been in and out of my girls' lives numerous times. As for his parents and rest of his family, they basically haven't featured in my girls since we split up (except for some have become 'friends' with me on facebook. Some since have decided that they no longer wish to be friends with me on facebook - including the ex father in law).



Back to your situation Natalie - record/document what's happened regarding you and ex's Mum. Make sure that you include the incident that involved the police, getting the incident number if possible. Also got to CAB and/or speak to a solicitor to get some advice about the situation. Then that means if and when it does get to court, then you'll have your concerns about your ex's mum having contact with your daughter ready.



As for your ex and getting child support - speak to the CSA and see what they can do. I'm letting the CSA deal with my ex husband, who is doing his best to avoid paying child support (his reasoning because he doesn't have contact with my girls doesn't see why he should pay. That's his view. My experiences with the CSA have been up and down. I've had to go to tribunal at one stage because my ex disagreed with the amount he had to pay, for it only to be put up (his lose not mine) if I remember correctly. When I was at the tribunal, found out that a lot of the paperwork relating to my case had been 'lost' in the CSA system and that at that time one office was dealing with me and another office was dealing with my ex husband (don't fully understand why). Now both of us are dealt with by one office, which I ring up occasionally to see if there's any progress on the chances of getting any more support of my ex. Currently the answer is no, though I do update them with what little information I do have.

Natalie - posted on 09/27/2012

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I am in a similar situation with my 16 month old daughter, I av had problems with my daughters fathers mother for over a year now, had police involved for her harassing us everywhere we go, her father has emigrated to America n got married with another baby on the way he said he was going on holiday but he's never come bk or been in touch since 15th March I av no address or contact for him n he's not paid child support since, his mother is trying to take me to court for access to my daughter, which I really don't agree with as she's a very controlling and obsessive and will try alienate my child HELP! We live in UK thanks

Erin - posted on 09/02/2012

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i went to my mailbox and received papers that my sons father what svisitation rights because i dont allow him to see his son, yes he has paid child support 260 a month but threy take it out of his check and it wasnt given to me until i fought for it but during the whole time he saw my child a couple times then he would disappear for 6 months and this has gone on for over 8 years. how can he say i wouldnt let him see my child when i was the one trying to push him to have him come and get him iinstead of calling and thenhaving him with his bags packed waiting by the door and him never showing up. I beleive this is money driven and i am so afraid that i will now have to worry that now when he does get him there an alteriare motive. why wouldnt he just start getting him every other weekend like i suggested and do a little more that text merry christmas why would he file the visitaion crap through court i am blindsided and i feel like asmother i have yes gotton child support but it wasnt given because he wanted to and i have been the one who buys school clothes helps with homework takes him to football teaches him respect and love and this man and his wife make false accusation and get to file lies. help i am afraid since he has paid child support he is only doing this so he can claim 50 percent help and care so he can claim him on taxes my son is my life i dont want him to go through this

Brigette - posted on 08/29/2012

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Hang in there, you will get through it and do what I am sure is best for your son...

[deleted account]

First things first - like you said the speed of the contact has to be really dictated by your son. This man is a stranger to him, and there has to be a get to know you, before it progresses. After three years of nothing, my ex decided (in his wisdom) to come back into my girls' lives (reason - divorce number 2 coming through, probable pressure from his family to know information about girls. Result he wants contact). Anyway agreed, but dictated terms to him - no promises, stating his location, get to know girls, acknowledge birthdays and done at girls speed and not his. kept getting, it's happening too slowly, blah, blah blah. Letters lasted barely 5 months and then suddenly stop (his choice not mine). about 8 months later - he wants to know why girls aren't writing back - said not got any letters off him for months. Claims he had sent letters every fortnight for the last x months - to date not one's landed on my door mat (he posted them last year, so he claims). My girls haven't heard anything from their Dad now for 2 years. So in the last 5 years they've only had 5 months (barely) of contact. The first three years, it was on and off, he messed me and the girls around - he would be coming then he wouldn't. He'd make plans then want to change them - on occasion it would be no, made plans for the rest of the weekend as you said you were coming x and so made plans for y. No I'm not changing the plans for y.

After all this he then threatened to take me to court/CAFCASS. Answer 'OK then'. I'm still waiting for any documentation from court/CAFCASS to arrive, been waiting for over a year now.

I would say to your ex - OK then take me to court. With going to court, he'll have to prove that he is biologically the father (DNA test), once done he'll have the extra joys of being the biological Father - including child support.

Jo - posted on 06/03/2012

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my sons father has not been in sons life in 11 years he took me to court when ryan was few months old and got ppr my sons teacher rang me on fri my sons dad got information on him now he going to get a report at end of year is he legaly after all this time able to get away with that does he have wright now

Lisa - posted on 02/01/2012

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Hi, i have been through the same thing with my ex, we split up when our son was 18 months old and he is now 7.. he took me to court in 2007 and got his way to see my child at supervised visits, not once did he turn up and when it went back to court he withdrew the application!! i did not hear from my ex again until i got a letter from his solicitor in 2011 as he decided he wanted to see him again, i had to go to court and represent myself. it was very nerve wracking but i got through it for the sake of my child, cafcass feel he should not see his son for a considerable length of time due to his lack of commitment, i have agreed to indirect calls to myself once a week and adv him to send letters addressed to my son once a month and also advised him to start supporting financially and to kick drugs before he even gets to see our son.. 2 days after court he did not phone but the next week he has and states he will do from now on!.. even though things are now been done in the right way i feel really frustrated, resentment etc.. as i have been mum and dad to my son since he was 18mnth old, when all of a sudden he decides to come back into his life 5 years down the line and i am struggling to cope with my emotions but i have to put my child first even though he never asks after him.



It is hard and very nerve wracking but do not worry about the court because they are their for your child in the long run and everything is kept on file so you get your say.

Tasha - posted on 07/19/2011

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courts would probably laugh at him... i would go just to make HIM look like a fool..... i raised 4 kids with no fathers involved (2 by first husband, and 2 by second) .. first husband was involved ,,, 2 involved ( he molested my daughters (his own children) when they were 7 & 8 at the time) is now incarcerated for 15 yrs (not long enough) and second husband ( who has nothing to do with his sons because i wont let him be with me)...i am doing a wonderful job of being a mom and DAD so i figure when they turn 18 they can decide if they want to know him.. for now... they will only c me as mom and dad.. i am more than happy with it because its the dumb ass man that is missing the beautiful children i am raising... i will see every move my children make from birth to 18 and further and they will know that i was always there for them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suzanne - posted on 07/16/2011

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STICK TO YOUR GUNS, I WOULD DIE IF MY DAUGHTERS DAD TRIED THAT, I.D CUT OFF ALL CONTACT AND SAY SEE YOU IN COURT, CALL HIS BLUFF. IF HE GOES TO COURT, THEY'LL MAKE HIM GET PATERNITY AND THEN THEY CAN GO HIM FOR BACK CHILD SUPPORT FOR 6 YEARS ASK HIM IF HE WANTS THAT.... I WOULDN'T WITH MY DAUGHTER, GOOD LUCK

Terralyn - posted on 07/06/2011

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In Canada one year of not seeing your child = abandonment and then the only way that "parent" is allowed back in the childs life is by the consent of the custodial parent. Courts will NOT grant access to a parent who cose not to be there for 6 years. If he had some reason that he was out of the country for work etc, then he might have a chance but only if he was still paying child support while he was away. Doesn't sound to me like thats the case so i really think its in your favor. Good Luck and keep us posted.

Cheryl - posted on 07/04/2011

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the court might not be a bad idea, after 6 months with no contact he has pretty much given up his rights!

Christina - posted on 07/03/2011

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If he takes you to court, then go for supervised visitation for a set period of time since your son doesn't know this man. He does deserve a chance to make things right, but it needs to be done at your son's pace.
When my ex did this to me, the time span wasn't as large as yours. First time he met his son, our kid was 2.5yrs old. I handed him over after a few "meetings" out in public and smiled sweetly. Told him to figure it out. Our son is almost 11yrs old now and has the best dad in the world! We do 50/50 custody (my choice to change court papers because I am a firm believer in 50/50 custody unless one party is abusive or has legal issues) and we have a fantastic system worked out!

Casey - posted on 07/03/2011

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Well with no paternity established you dont really have to worry about much. He would first have to get your permition or have a DNA test court ordered for the court to do anything. Heres how i see it. You what your son knows. You know him better then anyone else. Eaither his"father" does it how you want or not at all. You know whats best for him. All I can tell you is to trust your gut. Thats what Ive been doin with my 3 year old son and his "father". Good luck sweety. Everything will fall in line in time.

Anne Chioma - posted on 06/29/2011

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tell him -very politely -that he may go to court if he wishes to but that the son you both have will know of this sooner or later...hopfully he is nt asking for emotional strings from you,n if he is please be wise,if he hit you away once ,he'll do it again..i do suppose you have gotten some quality friends now and will find their company very effective now.when you meet him smile...give him an hour {supervised}with your son and never wear a tight disapproving face or try to force your son to call hm daddy...never be angry about anything...when he is around and you feel any kind of pull to him ,then make sure that you have a firm friend around until you are sure of your own feelings...your attitude should be"hey hey hey"with plenty of smiles no matter how angry you ee.oh and don't forget to o ask for up keep money.my son's father right tjis moment has so much respect for me cos i am no longer that girl who could not get a job but i have worked my head and skin off to earn the respect of my kids and his own so ......i pull the strings now.CONGRATS

Jennifer - posted on 06/29/2011

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Hi Amy! I read your post and it resonated with a close situation with is my own. I can understand the shakenness to your situation. Its great that he has had a cjange of heart. ? But he made the choice to leave and trust must then be earned and if he is serious about whats best for the child he would be willing to see it all angles and understand that you have built a life with your son for the many foundational years and for him to think that he can just come in and shake the foundation without being able to really show you his change and be willing to work with you is relevant that he is not considering the emotional impacts of the child as well. I would offer him to meet you for one year in parenting counseling together without the child present and make a court ordered committment to at least one year consistent child support for the sake of mere consistency and stability. Then a greadual increase in fathering time. It would be different if he had prior expressed and wanted to be in the life of the child but if its just out of the blue< you have every right to go forward with protecting the child and still offering the child with a bridge of hope. THere should be no reason to be afraid to go to court if you yourself have your requests lined up.. the child does deserve his father so true! But the child also deserves to have his well being protected and the emotional support of 2 parents that make good decisions together on the childs behalf.. not out of their own angst towards each other. You have rights to ask the father honest questions as to why he would have a sudden change of heart. He broke your trust by the abandonment and mercy is given true.. but trust must be earned back. If he has matured as a man he would honor you and himself by taking the steps necessary to ensure the best interest of his child. I hope things go well for you and pray protection and wisdom over you as you move forward in your journey.

Jennifer - posted on 06/29/2011

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Hi Amy! I read your post and it resonated with a close situation with is my own. I can understand the shakenness to your situation. Its great that he has had a cjange of heart. ? But he made the choice to leave and trust must then be earned and if he is serious about whats best for the child he would be willing to see it all angles and understand that you have built a life with your son for the many foundational years and for him to think that he can just come in and shake the foundation without being able to really show you his change and be willing to work with you is relevant that he is not considering the emotional impacts of the child as well. I would offer him to meet you for one year in parenting counseling together without the child present and make a court ordered committment to at least one year consistent child support for the sake of mere consistency and stability. Then a greadual increase in fathering time. It would be different if he had prior expressed and wanted to be in the life of the child but if its just out of the blue< you have every right to go forward with protecting the child and still offering the child with a bridge of hope. THere should be no reason to be afraid to go to court if you yourself have your requests lined up.. the child does deserve his father so true! But the child also deserves to have his well being protected and the emotional support of 2 parents that make good decisions together on the childs behalf.. not out of their own angst towards each other. You have rights to ask the father honest questions as to why he would have a sudden change of heart. He broke your trust by the abandonment and mercy is given true.. but trust must be earned back. If he has matured as a man he would honor you and himself by taking the steps necessary to ensure the best interest of his child. I hope things go well for you and pray protection and wisdom over you as you move forward in your journey.

Emma - posted on 06/23/2011

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my son 9 this year. his dad hasnt seen him since he was 3 i think. ive found out now hes back in the town where we live. he took me to court to see my son to prove he could do it and get parental resonabitility. im not long married now and hes been more of a dad to my son. my son dad has not really paid anything as csa cant find him everytime they do he quits his job and moves on. so he owes me abt 8 years worth of money but i know i never see that. im just scared incase he wants to start seeing my son again as he messed up a few weeks after the courts ended. he put me thru hell for the year it went on with the courts. he was supervised when he first saw my son. it went on like that for a while. i hope it goes well for you. i think once they leave ya kids lifes they should lose any chance of getting back into it.

Amy - posted on 02/14/2011

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As of Sept 2010 I have not heard a thing from him or his mother. So, I'm a little worried the flood gates are gonna open any time. Hope all is well with everyone, will keep you updated with any change. Thanks for the support, it is very much appreciated. Happy Valentine's Day!

Nikki - posted on 02/11/2011

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Hey Amy , I posted again this month :) Please do keep us updated:) Love to you both

Nikki - posted on 02/11/2011

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My, I am astounded yet not surprised. I am praying for you both now. My son's father left us when my son was 8 months old . He saw our son a few times before he moved to another state when our son was 16 months old. He has never paid child support, we are still married as I do not have the money to address the issue of getting a divorce , child support court ordered (even though I filed for it via DHS) and all matters resolved. I know he does not pursue the matter of divorce as he knows he will be court ordered to pay child support etc. I have never "kept" our son from him in spite of his many many "issues" (trouble with the law etc) yet I protect our son period. It's a sticky situation I know but I have been raising our son for four and a half years now with no help from him and he has not attempted contact with our son . I always allow our son to phone him even though he never answers for him as our son remembers his father well and "misses" him. It's strange to me as our son has not seen his father in years yet he has vivid recall if him and still asks about him all the time . I would never "keep" his father from seeing his child "supervised" that is yet he obviously does not desire to have anything to do with him so I always "wonder" if I too, shall find myself in the very same situation as you are one day . Of course I do think it's horrible that a human being could go so long without any contact with his own child then all of a sudden have a attack of conceinsce. I am not sure how I would handle it and I do feel for you yet I know you must think of your child and what is best for him. Yet , maybe only a counselor could say exactly what is best for your child regarding all the circumstances. I am sorry to say but I would feel "offended" if his mother called you only when her son "decided" he wanted to see his child . Where has she been all along??? If she cares NOW then where was she THEN?? Just saying :( I think she should have fulfilled her grandmother responsibilities a long time ago no matter what the circumstances were. Just my opinion though. I have a tendency to lean towards "the audacity of them both" to phone you and "demand" anything , much less in a timely manner ! Good grief. I know you don't want to go to court but the system is on your side and the legality of it is he abandoned his child six years ago so he really does not have a leg to stand on to "order" you to do anything . If anything , I would allow supervised visitation on your terms and of course child support if you have never received any ?? I am assuming you have not received any since you stated paternity was not established. No matter what, you are calling the shots. Period. I always want what is best for my son and his feelings however if this happened to me , I would have a very hard time holding back on stating HOW I FEEL to them BOTH!!! Again , I pray for you and your child and I hope for the best possible outcome . Keep us updated. :) God Bless, Nikki

Kelly - posted on 02/03/2011

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ok ladies, i have some experience in this area, first of all, everything depends on what state you live in. here is my story....
2 of my children's father did not see them for 8 yrs. this guy has been in/out of jail, prison for domestic violence, drugs, dui's, theft, assaults,etc. etc... 1 yr ago, he decided he'd like to be a dad again, he's found God, and is a changed man (yes i am being sarcastic) so...he took me to court, because he had NEVER had any visitation rights on the books, just a protection order = we had mediation, we had court, we had some more mediation...long story short...it started with 2 hr visits - i couldn't even get supervised!!! and i have proof of abuse, but since it had been yrs since the order was in effect, because since he was in jail/prison and hadn't threatened or attacked us while there, the judge wouldn't renew it = the kids now go every other weekend to him....so that's my sad story = i will say, that so far, only abusing kids verbally and emotionally.. isn't that grand..my kids are in counseling by the way...
as far as paternity and court...if he's not on birth certificate, then he'll have to petition the court for a dna test to prove his child, ask same court for establishment of visitation rights, oh yeah, and support if he hasn't been paying any...that in itself is usually a three month process, at least in my state.....if the child has never seen this man, you probably have more of a leg to stand on as far as gettin supervised / short visits...you don't really have to do anything quickly, and if he's so set on being a part of this child's life, he'd take the necessary action to do it....
last piece of advice....get a lawyer now! talk to them, now! do it before he decides to go to court, just because you talk to a lawyer doesn't mean you have to start the court process...they can guide you in the best direction to go / what actions you need to take in order to protect your child...
Good Luck, and i'm so sorry my story is not what you want to hear, but i think its important you hear it, learn from it~~

Raniesha - posted on 10/05/2010

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I'm am kind of in this situation but my son is only 13 months old, and I can tell u because his name isn't on anything the decision is up to you. I was told to either go through with it and give it a try or not to but because he hasn't done anything at all its all up to me. He doesn't pay child support and I don't even know where he lives so I just decided to say no and that was that. Even in court they would ask your son first how he felt about this, so its nothing to worry about because its up to u and him in the end if yall want to let him into ur sons life.

Tenisha - posted on 10/05/2010

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I am proud to hear how you all can deal with it cause for me both of my children have the same father and he has not seen nor made an attempt to reach out to them in almost 11 years and they are 12 and 10 years old and I have never closed that door for him to be in their lives but I have left that to them if he does decide to come around to see or speak with them cause I never want them to look at me as being a bad mother for keeping their father out of their lives. So if you decide to proceed to go to cout follow it all the way through cause I have done the whole nine yards and even more and this man had the nerve to go and play crazy so that he dosen't have to pay child support, talking about one heated female I was. So please make sure that what ever choices you decide make sure you think of what is best for your son. Good Luck

Jennifer - posted on 10/02/2010

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Why wouldn't you like to go to court? Going would give the "father" a glimps of what he helped cause and to own up to it. I don't know the man, but maybe he has changed. But it is rediculous that him and his mother are harrassing you to seeing the boy. As far as his mom goes she could have come see her grandson whenever she could over the years ( I am assuming). A court would have him pay child support( if your not getting any, since no paternity was ever established) and put him on a tight leash. Sorry to say that once a person has to pay child support and back child support they change their mind at lot and you may never see him again once you start asking for money. Good luck.

Kenyonia - posted on 10/01/2010

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Thats pretty hard. My son's father hasn't been in his life either. He just turned 7. I tried to give him a chance and still seems not to want to help out. And his dad has like 4 other kids now. My son is the only one that I know of that he doesn't see or talk to at all. And none of it is my fault. It was his decision since I was pregnant with him. So I say take your time. Because he hasn't been there in the first place, so if he does try to take you to court, he would have much of a case besides now he wants to be in your son's life. But where was he before, not there at all. So I say take your time. How does son feel about it?

Amy - posted on 10/01/2010

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Hi ladies, Just an update..... He made a few more threats again in Sept , such as he already contacted a lawyer & is starting the process but since that last threat, I have heard nothing from him. I do have an appt with a lawyer in a couple weeks, so hopefully he has come to his senses. Thanks for all your support! Will update soon!

Amy - posted on 09/13/2010

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*UPDATE* He is now trying to connect with my friends, to find out as much information about my son, and has also treatened court again. I have decided rather then drive myself crazy I am just going to ignore this totally because whatever he is going to do, he is going to do without my opinion. Thanks so much for all your comments & I will keep posting updates!

Rachel - posted on 09/08/2010

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I know how you feel my daughters dad hasnt been in her life for 3 years & he thinks when hes in town that i can drop everything so he can see her & he will say the saame thing wont happen!!

Teresa - posted on 09/06/2010

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My situation is similar. I was married to him but he thought that I cheated & he wasn't dad.
She was six when he met her, he is now a good dad, he does what he can for her and she loves him deeply. No matter what else happened that was the important part.
If paternity isnt in question than child support and visitation needs to be set up. You can file your own stuff with online research or look up child support they should be able to help. Or if you have state assistance they will tell you know where to start.
Hope that helps
Teresa

Nida - posted on 09/05/2010

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well just try to know his intention. why he wants to come back and if there is negativity. dont think to go with him.even u hav to go to court.

Esther - posted on 09/05/2010

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the power is all in your hands. the sperm donar has no legs to stand on when it come to being a dad.
but it would be a kind option to alow him 1 supervised visit. per month. for two hours. if he can keep that up for 6 months then maybe he has good intensions for your daughter.
do not allow anything if all he can do is bring the courts into it. no one can threaten you. that is not right.
make a diary of all things he says and threatens.
good luck.

Crystal - posted on 09/04/2010

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Family law is different place to place and believe me no two judges have the same opinion on these issues. Unfortunately since he does want contact and if he does apply through the courts you will be summonsed. Be a step ahead, contact a lawyer and find out your rights. Request that the visits be supervised by a professional and that your son attend court appointed councelling during the process because this will be confusing for him and maybe even scary. If the courts do grant him access buy a calender and document all visits and calls. This is for future use if he is in his son's life for a while and then the novelty of the idea wears off then you have documentation if he slacks off with contact. At that point you may be able to have his access denied again until a future time when either he takes you back to court or your son gets older and wants to try again on his terms. Under these circ try to maintain sole custody if possible because of the circ that way you will still have care and control of major issues such as mediacl decisions. Most times courts jump all over the opportunity for the child to have this time with the other parrent but it looks good for you if rather than fight against it you make the requests about councelling and supervision in the best interest of your son. Make sure you have a good lawyer and ask questions about how they feel about the situation. I found legal aid completely useless when I tried to have any restrictions in place and started doing research and represented myself. It's extremely stressful especially when you can barely stand to breathe in the same room as the child's father.
Def make sure any conversations you have about the situation are completely out of ear shot of your son. They react to how we feel about the situation and it makes it even more confusing for them. Things may turn out for the good and your son excells at having a dad in his life or he could turn out to be a total ass who plays with your sons head and disappoints him all the time trust me the 2nd one is hard to watch but all you can do is be there to listen and hug and always make sure your son is reminded that no matter what he is loved and however things turn out with his dad that if things go bad that he never did anything wrong he is a good person and his dad is the one with the issues. Good luck I hope you have a close friend or family member to talk to and to vent to. As for the paternity issue depending on where you live this may also be irrelevent. If you are looking for child support if he gets involved you will have to apply to the courts yourself. I know peolpe whose exes have gone for visitation of children who are not even biologically theirs but all the judge looked at was if they wanted to be the parent and gave them access. Take care and keep us all updated.

[deleted account]

I dealt with this situation a year and a half ago. My daughter's father abandoned her at 4 months old and had his father approached me May '09 stating that his son wanted to be a part of our daughter's life. Apparently he asked 6 months prior and his father wanted to make sure he was serious first, which I could appreciate. I took the information to my lawyer who told me to have the father write an apology letter to my daughter and state his intentions. She also suggested he include a photo. We could then take this information and together tell my daughter about her father. After a follow-up call from him, and a sit down as well, I decided it was time to tell her about her father. My daughter was delighted to learn she had a father and loved him instantly. This was not easy for me! He met her in November '09 and has seen her regularly since then. We have not had to go to court, thankfully, and we do our best to co-parent for our daughter's sake.

Amy, I hope your situation turns out well not only for your son, but for you as well. After all, you're the parent that raised him at such a critical time!

Debbie - posted on 09/03/2010

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dont play his games if he is the dad and you say he is let him see his child dont play tag team with children you will only come out looking worse

Hana - posted on 09/02/2010

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Hi Amy,
Your situation reminds me of my own life. Same story...left when I told him I was pregnant and disappeared from our lives when our baby turned 1 years old. He will be 7 next March and I am finally finally getting my divorce finalised.
He can take you to court and he can ask for paternity to be tested but you raised this child all on your own for the last 6 years and the child will not be removed from you.
Unfortunately there is a chance he may be allowed supervised visits to the child but do make it known to the judge that you wish to have little intrusion to your little boy's life because he is still young and may be confused.

GOOD LUCK AMY!!!

Alisha - posted on 09/02/2010

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Are you sure he is the dad? You could go to a person at the child support agency and if you both agree on everything you can just sign a piece of paper and then you don't have to go to court. That is odd he is suddenly demanding time with your son. Have you asked him what his plans are? I would certainly tell him how he made you feel leaving you and your son, but if he wants to see him I wouldn't stop it, but maybe have supervised since he doesn't know his son at all. That is a weird situation hun, hang in there! Tell him there's no need to get all hostile about it, since he just decided to try to be a dad after 6 years. I guess it depends on your state, so I would call your local court or child support and ask them about what he can legally do and what your legal rights are so at least you are prepared with facts.

Sarah - posted on 09/02/2010

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I wouldn't let them meet quite yet. Meet with your lawyer first. Not sure what letting them meet would do with an abandonment case if you needed to pursue that option.

My daughter is 10 and has never met her dad. He chose to not be part of her life and wanted me to have an abortion. She goes to school with her brothers and doesn't even know it. I kept her from his family at his request. He knows if he decides to mess with her life down the road that I will take him to court for every back child support payment. It's hard being a single parent with all the responsibilities, but it's worth it not to have to worry about her being hurt emotionally.

Check with the lawyer before doing or allowing ANY thing. If he starts to push again, call the lawyer and get an emergency meeting. Most lawyers will move it up if there is a problem.

Suzanne - posted on 09/02/2010

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gee that is a hard one.... same thing happened to me, my boyfriend denied that it was his, even after she was born, he only saw her a couple of times. I always worry about the same thing, lucky for me I left the country.. Depends on alot of things, how long were you together. Was he there for any of the pregnancy, were there any problems between the two of you before then? Why don't you wanna go to court??? Alot can go against him.. Are you positive it's his?

Bettie - posted on 09/01/2010

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i would def keep an arms lenght with this ..but u shouldnt worry yourself too much ive found that men are all talk just to stur u up and if he does go thru with it u can get a court apt lawyer i hope you are writing everything down on whats been going on make sure u date it and detail it ALL OF IT! im so on your side u just cant pop in when its good for him he has so much explaining to do not only to you but your child and when he speaks to your child he shouldnt be negative he needs to understand this is a child were talkn about and he must take himself to a childs level of understandn its ur rules u have every right to stand ur ground and make all the rules!! but a child does have a right to know i wouldnt want to see your child grow up and ASK U WHY!! clear your mind and do whats right for YOUR CHILD!!! good luck and plz keep us posted

Joyce - posted on 09/01/2010

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This has been my biggest fear .. My I feel for you.. I too have a 5 1/2 yr old.. Dad wanted me to have an abortion, told him to get lost and never seen him since. From my understanding, most states would require the dad to pay paternity tests plus they would have to go back and pay for 1/2 of all expenses related to child (medical, etc) plus child support, etc. any attorney would tell him this... He is making threats, let him go see an attorney and you can require him to pay your attorney fees too to defend your child.. No judge would grant him custody.. Supervised visits but that is it for a long time.. An attorney would tell him that.. most men will not want to pay back child support, plus half of all expenses incurred the past 6 yrs (including daycare, etc).. Once they find this out, they usually back off. He is all talk,

Ada - posted on 09/01/2010

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MY advice is to take it to your pace and don't let him decide on your son's life. My ex did the same thing and now we hate each other! But if he continues to act like that you can always say that paternity was never established and he has no right to take you to court unless he's ready to pay for that himself.

Just my opinion
Good luck

Jennifer - posted on 08/31/2010

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WOW, that's definately a tough situation, and one I, myself, fear having to deal with one day. My son's "sperm-donor" has been MIA for over 4 years now, and it's a constant worry in the back of my head that he's just gona pop up outa nowhere some day. I understand not wanting to go to court, but I also think you should call his bluff! Think of it as a test to see for yourself exactly how serious he is about being a father, or if this is just a phase. He needs to earn the privilege of being an active part of your son's life. Plus, your son doesn't even know him so it's not fair to put a stranger in front of him & say here's "daddy!" If your ex is already using threats of taking you to court to rush you into giving him what he wants, then he's obviously a very selfish person, & isn't thinking of what's best for your little boy. It's not about you or him, it's about what's best for your son & what your son is comfortable with...end of story!

CARLA - posted on 08/31/2010

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Well you definatly don't want to start a war, I say if he wants to be apart of his sons life start him on baby steps for 3 months he can visit with him and take him to the park supervised. After that then if u trust him enought you can do a written agreement for every other week for him to have a sleep over. I say written agreement so that he doesn't try to take off with your son. Of couse you will either make an agreement or get the state to help with child support, but as far as a relationship with your son you only need to be civil with the dad you don't have to be his friend or anything just strictly speak about your son That's it, my son is 7 and his dad has been gone for 3 years but my son has an email and a phone should his dad feel like talking to him he doesn't have to speak to me at all. For child support we agreed on not bring in the state and he set up direct deposit to me and can take him for a week in the summer but for Christmas he has to come here as both of our families are here and I don't mind going to 3 places on Christmas. Kids are very receptive they know when somthing is wrong I don't speak about his dad infront of him ever! It is the dads job to make or break the relationship they have I am not part of it. I only need to know that he will drop off my son at 2 on Sunday and if somthing should happen my son knows my phone number by heart and will call me. You need to decide wether you want your son to have a relationship with his dad reguardless of what did happen let him prove himself not to you but to your son. In my case trust me when I tell u the dad does do a good job of being undeniable and untrsit worthy to my son he breaks promises my son is smart he figured out that he can't ask dad for anything it's sad but I wanted my son to figure it out I don't want him growing up thinking I poised him against his dad, he knows that his dad did it him self.

Raline - posted on 08/31/2010

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Well I am sort of in the same situation. My daughter is 9 months old. When I was with her 'father' it was all based on a lie. Turns out he was engaged & now married. He & his wife told me to 'get rid of it' when I told him I was pregnant. I ended up meeting a great man that was there for EVERYTHING & wanted to adopt my daughter. Well once the 'father' found out all of a sudden he wanted rights to her. He filed at the family court in April & we did have an appointment just bearly in August. I said I was 'unsure he was the father' & refuse to help him pay for a DNA test because I am not asking of anything from him and I dont want him in either of our lives. ( He has no rights and is not on the birth certificate either) He has to take it upon himself to pay for the testing & hopefully it will take a while. My suggestion is. IF he does take it to court. Drag it out as LONG as possible and get a good lawyer. They are expensive but def. worth it to get what you want!

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