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Absent Father Who Now Wants to Return...Maybe?

Shoshana - posted on 08/21/2011 ( 2 moms have responded )

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How do I introduce a man, that has been largely absent for nearly seven years, to my son as his father? Is there an ideal setting, time? Are there any great books I can share with my son about this life changing moment.

If what he says is true, my son's father wants to be a part of his life and ultimately as his father. I am skeptical and scared that my son will have his heart broken. My son's father chose not to be a part of his life. I've raised my son with all the love I could provide him with, being very cautious about who is a part of his circle. I never wanted him to feel that he wasn't loved or wanted enough by the people in his life.

My son's father has two older children, ages 12 and 13, and is my nephew's Godfather. Because he is still friends with my brother-in-law, my son has "seen" his father, but doesn't know who he is (other than as his uncle's friend). I limit these "chance encounters", but it was at the most recent sighting that he approached me to ask if he could be a part of Ian's life.

During these past three months, my son has asked about his father, specifically, where is he and why doesn't he live with us. I've limited my answers to "he's a good man", "he doesn't live here because he's taking care of some things in his life" , etc. As difficult as it's been, the comments have always been positive (lol)...

Any guidance or insight is greatly appreciated!

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Adele - posted on 06/22/2012

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Hi, I don' tknow if this is now completel out of date, but I just wanted to say that my son's father has just come back after over 14 years. My son is older and therefore more able to understand, but it is still really tough. I'm finding it difficult and so is my son, but my worst fear is that the father's return will drive a wedge between my son and I. The key is to talk to your child, and keep talking to them, so that they always know you love them , their absent parent's behaviour is NOT a reflection on them, and to be strong enough to step in and put a stop to the relationship if it becomes destructive to the family unit you have built up.
My son hadn't seen his father at all (not since he was 5 months old), and I'm not pretending to have all the answers, and I have to confess that while I've never bad mouthed his father, since his return I have been incredibly tempted to tell him exactly what I think. I haven't though!
Good Luck and I hope it works out.

Tarniah - posted on 08/21/2011

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Oh, I sincerely feel for you. My son met his dad for the first time when he was 4. He had been asking the other children's fathers at kindy if they were his dad. I was so confused as to what to say or do. His dad moved away when I was pregnant and had no plans to return. Then out of the blue he called and told me he was coming back and wanted to meet his son. I spoke to my boy and told him the truth. He was really excited at the prospect of meeting his father. The day finally came, we met in a public place and had lunch together. In hindsight I should have met up with him on my own first and had a long talk about what ground rules i wanted to lay down. He had good intentions, i give him that, but actions speak louder than words. My son is now 12 and his father breezes in and out as he pleases. I am furious and I hate seeing my boy hurt over and over again, wondering and waiting when his dad will call next. Make sure you set some boundaries and introduce your son slowly. An hour play or lunch in the park once a week until they build up a stable relationship. Stay on guard. I wish I had a link to a website or something else I could share with you. Follow your instincts and be cautious. Good luck :)

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