Am I wrong for not answering my child's father's phone calls?

Christie - posted on 10/07/2010

Oh, wow, you sound a lot like me. I dated my child's father, broke things off, the found out I was pregnant. THEN 5 months later I found out he was married. I mainly communicate with him through email or text. This way it's not as easy to go off track. We discuss her health and visitation etc.... It is NOT easy becsaue he is somehow under the delusion that he and I can be friend's and has even gone so far as to try and kiss me. I understand the anger over being lied to (if he's anythign like my child's father being lied to over and over and OVER again!) but we now have a child. I set ground rules. If it doesn;t involve our child it is not up for discussion. He didn't see her for almost a year becsaue of all the issues with his wife and his lies etc.... We have recently set up a ime for visitation adn i am adopting a wait and see attitude. If he does what he's supposed to do fine, but I document EVERYTHING. That way, if he doesn't do right I have plenty of grounds to request termination of parental rights.

Najmah - posted on 10/07/2010

Gosh!!! You knew him for a year and didn't know he was married????? I find that a bit hard to believe.... you should be grateful for your financial support though... when your son grows up, he will decide for himself whether or not he wants his dad to be a part of his life.... perhaps this is one good lesson never to forget.... one cannot find happiness on the expense of someone else's sadness.... forgive yourself and move on...
From single mom.

Alei - posted on 10/05/2010

i understand everyones point of view on here but you have to do what u think is best for ur child i do believe every father deserves a chance i went through hell and back and high waters to get my childs father to see her she just turned one not to long ago and he hasnt even seen her five times in her life even though its a short one so far you are like a lion ur protecting ur cubb although he can take u to court over this matter if he does want visitation rights i will be honest on that you were never married to him which in most states means that he has no parental rights unless he goes for them and then hes gotta prove a lot to get there and it could take a while to do so if you are in a stable home and u feel you dont need his support dont do it i was in the spot where you are my babys father calls about me and when he found out i moved on and i was happy he hasnt contacted since its not really about the parents its about the child i will agree i was mad when mine n his relationship ended and that is hard to get over especially being played on like your nothing i really understand and that u have a lot of mixed emotions and dont know what to do you have to believe in urself and in ur child and do whats best ask god to help you through this and believe me it really works and have fun with ur baby im sure hes a pride n joy

Diana - posted on 10/05/2010

I think you should keep being a good mom to your child and definitely go after child support. If anything you can put this money in a savings account for your baby that he can use later on for college or a car. As far as him being around if he really wants to be a father he can step up and go to court and get court ordered visitation. If he doesn't then it's not on your conscious wether or not you prohibited him from being in your child's life. It will rest completely on his shoulders for not doing what he was supposed to in order to see his kid.

Raniesha - posted on 10/05/2010

I did the same thing with my childs dad I even changed my number so he has no way of contacking me at all besides IM. I did that because he wasn't doing anything for my son, and playing stupid, and saying stupid things, and putting cars, and other women before my son, but if you want him to be apart of you child's life give it a try. I would give it a try if my child's dad acted like he would do the right thing but if u feel like he's not then yea its ok not to answer the phone. Yes he has rights but he has to but has to want to use his rights in the right way and help out with your child.

Melanie - posted on 10/05/2010

Hey... you know him we dont... but you would be making the right choice to just move on with your life and eliminate him... Ppl say both parents have rights... Sorry i strongly DISAGREE.. im a single mum of 6 kids, and if their father comes anywhere near me or my children we walk the other way or simply call the police... but they are my issues....
What right does any person mum/dad to abandon their child then wants to make contact months/years Later... No way, we put in the hard yards financially/physically/mentally, while the other parent doesnt have to worry about bread milk etc and lives life their own way.... Ppl like that dont change at all... Your decision in the long run but be careful cos ya dont wanna get hurt or child get hurt..

Simone - posted on 10/04/2010

Texas, No maam he has not spent anytime with him nor does he no his physical health status. He will be 3months on th 25th of Oct. When his father comes to the hospital he misses out on what's really going on in my childs life because he would rather ask about what I have going on. He missed out on the delivery. He has never held him and my child will be home in 2 weeks and he has no earthly idea. He hasn't called to see what the baby needs, he just ask how I get what I get done acccomplished (duh). He has been totally neglective and it's all because I refuse to follow up on this " baby momma role". This is my child's life, I REFUSE to play his games.

Simone - posted on 10/04/2010

Angela, WOW! Thank you for making me see this thing clearly and for what it is really about. I haven't had closure and it was and still is an awful situation. It has caused me to feel and act a way I would have never imagined myself bringing out. I have prayed but now that I have read your post I think my prayer will be sincere. I have to honestly let go and let God. I have to be honest with myself and realize it hurts but will this hurt my son more than he is hurting now. Yoy made me look at it as if "God didn't take my baby from me, so how could I take him from his father?" I am terrified of what may come of this, but I amgoing to go ahead and get a legal team for this. I have to do something. My son will be home in 2 wks and his father has missed every bit of it. I feel so lost, but I need to pray and ask God to reveal this thing to me. Thank you soooo much.

Simone - posted on 10/04/2010

Quanda, good thing is his wife does know. Sad that she found out a couple of weeks before I went into preterm labor. I have had conversation with her. He tells her one thing and tells me another of course. The first time he saw his child ever, he brought his wife with him (5 days after being born). I feel she takes care of him financially so he is going to kiss ass for her. But as I explained to her, I just want him to be in the childs life. He was in town and never called, came to the hospital 4 times out of 3monthd. Now he claims to be living out of town, so he calls all day. I think thats a joke, so I refuse to answer. He has done nothing. Nothing while I was pregnant, nothing while in the hospital. Not at the delivery and still not here. My son is coming home in 2 wks and I am paying for everything except what I received thru the shower. I am going to consult with a legal advisor asap and see if they rule separate on childsupport and visitation. We have not tallked or been together since I conceived. That is also the day I found out he was cheating on me, so this seems to be his style. He is now a stranger to me and his wife definently is, so I am not feeling the "let my child go play house thing".

Simone - posted on 10/04/2010

Thanks a million Maria. I live in Georgia so it may not be too much difference. I'm not a hateful or spiteful person but he has proven that he is all talk and no show. Im past the "us" part but the not being truly concerned about the child is what is making me so cold. I really get upset when he calls or comes around because it never ends good. I'm going to continue to pray and not answer the phone calls. YOu are right, he can go thru what ever life brings him to see his child if he cares. Thanks

Teresa - posted on 09/24/2010

He already HAS rights to know your child and your child has the right to know him. Is he abusive, abusing drugs, etc... if not then you really have no right to forbid your child a relationship w/ the man you chose to sleep w/... I'm sorry he lied to you. It sucks and it hurts, but that's his child too. My advice is to speak to a lawyer about setting up appropriate custody, visitation, and child support. After that, the relationship he has or does not have w/ his child is up to him.

Somewhere In - posted on 09/24/2010

Simone, has this guy ever spent time with your son (his son and yours)? Do they have a relationship at all? How old is your son? Has the "father" been supportive in any way with your son?

Angela - posted on 09/24/2010

Let me begin by asking have you talked to God and asked for guidance. We try sooo hard to fix things in our lives that we have no control over. It is clear you still have feelings for this man. Yes he is married, you were not aware of this, but now you are. Now it is about the baby, and his well being. What if you can no longer take care of the child on your own. The father has to be held accountable. Do things legally, and you will not have to deal with him that much. It does not sound like he wants to be involved with child. And that is his loss, believe me.
It does not sound like you have had any closure. When a relationship is ended in this manner, we tend to feel alot of anger at first. Then maybe he will come around, especially when you talk. You deserve better, I know you did not ask for all of this advice. However Take care of yourself and that wonderful baby.

Billie - posted on 09/24/2010

I agree with Maria for the most part, but if he doesn't want to go through court with you to get visitation that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to be around the child. I do agree that your child has the right to know his father but I understand where you're coming from in not wanting to play games with him. Okay so wild idea here...does the wife know? You have a premie (hopefully he'll be able to go home soon!). That's going to take a lot of resources and he should be responsible for part of that. Even if you can cover everything solo (I get it bcuz I did it myself with my son for a while), you still have more to give your child if he takes his share. He should also be a part of your child's life, but if he's with the wife, he can't do that without her being a part of it. Any chance he's keeping this from her so she won't leave him? There are a lot of years between now and when your child becomes an adult. The relationship can change at any point along the way. don't make this your choice that you'll later have to explain to your son. That can backfire badly. I recommend that you NOT let him treat you and your son like the mistress and love child he gets to sweep under the rug and go get your child support at minimum. In my state we're allowed to file for child support separate from custody. But if you do file for custody they hold a hearing and when they grant custody they set up a visitation schedule at the same time. Give yourself some time to think it over before you decide how you want to handle long term. Best of luck mama!

Maria - posted on 09/24/2010

I believe every child should have the opportunity to have both parents in their life unless one parent proves to be too unstable to continue a healthy relationship with the child. About the child support thing, that money isn't yours to deny. It's your childs. I don't know where you live but here in florida we do not have to debate custody of visitation in court to get child support because the courts see them as 3 completely different things instead of 1 like alot of states. Now about the phone calls, if you feel uncomfortable answering the phone then don't. If he wants to truly be in your childs life leave him alone and let him file whatever he wants to file in court in order to keep that relationship. If not, then you know he's full of air. Good luck!