Am I wrong for not taking my ex's calls?

[deleted account] ( 40 moms have responded )

Well I posted about my situation not too long ago, in a nutshell, he served time in prison, I was by his side, he promised to be lovely for me and our daughter that he hadn't been there for before he went in. He gets out, spends time with her but only when sex with me is involved. I cut off any type of sexual relationship and then have to reveal later that I am pregnant. He bails. I cut off contact with him and enforce the current child support order which is in arrears.

Well he has been calling me private (blocked #) randomly and called me straight out from his cell phone today and I will not answer the calls. It is not to play games but I feel like I know he only has something negative to say, seeing as how he was adamant about not wanting to be daddy to the one on the way nor our 3 year old. And child support enforcement informed me today that they mailed him a 10 day notice to make payment or else other measures will be taken.

So Im not answering the phone because number one Im afraid of being subject to his verbal abuse and number two Im still not over him yet and I need to continue to build my strength up so he doesn't play on my feelings to try and manipulate me to close child support. But part of me feels bad, what if he wants to try and work things out about our baby and here I am not answering. He hasn't called back today and now Im worried what if he never does again...am I to blame if he doesn't?

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Kristi - posted on 06/21/2012

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Stay strong, Jan. There's nothing to be curious about. You know he has not changed his ways that fast, reread our posts from 3 short days ago, probably 4 by the time you see this. Read every word, especially your own:

"Well, today I'm saying NO MORE! I've had enough"
"But just because I forgive doesn't mean I have to let him back into my life to hurt me and my baby(s) again"
"I know he's going to continue to always try and find an in to manipulate...."

Just because he didn't text you back after you told him not to doesn't mean anything. As far as anybody knows, his battery could have died, he could have gotten a phone call or he could have simply decided it really wasn't worth the hassle to get into another arguement. Don't go looking for something that's not there. Good or bad.

IF by some incredible, God-given miracle, he has seen the light and wants to change his awful ways, PLEASE, for the sakes of yourself and your daughter, make him prove that over an extended period of time before you give him any sort of control over anything, especially your heart. He needs to get and keep a job and a safe, stable place to live, where a child(ren) would feel welcome and comfortable, he comes to every supervised, short visitation you grant him on time and behaves appropriately or all bets are off. During that time he pays his support, calls/texts only if he has something legitimately to ask/tell about the children and keeps his home family friendly. The minute he quits his job or starts harassing you, making excuses for why he can't make visits or constantly trying to change them, etc. it's over. If he can't meet those basic responsibilities that pretty much every adult and/or parent has to everyday, for a given amount of time then he has no business with you or your children. Keep in mind, this is all pending on a BIG IF and an even BIGGER MIRACLE.

Of course, this is all just my opinion and my suggestions. The choices you make are all up to you and are ultimately none of my business. But I have to ask anyways, if you so choose to let this man back into your life, please think long and hard before you make a choice that could determine how she thinks about herself (why wasn't I good enough, what did I do wrong, etc) for the rest of her life whether she likes it or not. I, in no way, want to see you get hurt again, but I also know, from experience, that we give into temptation sometimes no matter how hard we try not to. We're grown, we know what's behind door #3. But our kids have no idea, they are innocent. They see special doors with fancy decorations giving the illusion of all things exciting and good. They don't know it but they are counting on us to protect them from what is or is no longer behind door #3. I hope you post another update soon. Take care.

Kristi - posted on 06/17/2012

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Jan--you are in the right, you know that and in a round about sort of way, so do your little ones. "Bungholio" is going to blame it on you for the rest of his life, he is going to tell anyone who will listen about the miscarriage of justice that has been carried out on him by you. Naturally, the first thing you want to do is set the record straight. Tell him what a liar he is, explain to him (AGAIN) how wrong he is, and then tell everybody else that he made it up and this is what the REAL story is. But one, he will never even hear you because he has convinced himself that the stories he is telling are true, two, the people who really care about you already know he is a liar and the other people don't count, so it's a waste of your emotional resources and time away from other more enjoyable activities to bother chasing his rumor trail.

The best and most difficult thing you can do is nothing. Don't even answer him, no matter what. Ignore. Ignore Ignore. Then there are vary degrees of difficulty when it comes to that, "I want to kill him so bad" difficult, sometimes I ignore him. "I can't believe that S.O.B.!" difficult, but I'm ignored him easier. "Stupid loser" difficult, ignored him easy. It took me time and I got so angry I cried sometimes. But, once I was able to ignore him on regular basis, it was like a huge weight was lifted off me. I felt revitalized and more empowered. For me, it got worse before it got better because he realized he lost control of me. So he tried harder to get in my face for a reaction. I'm pretty sure I mentioned some of the things he and his family did earlier on in this thread. I did try to retaliate sometimes, I'm human but it always made things worse.

Even though I'd sooner s*** on his grave, than look at him now, when we first split up there were still feelings there, some good, some fear and he played on all of them. Everybody tells me hating him is waste of my time and energy as well. They are probably right, but that is for another discussion. lol They say the best revenge is being able to let it all go so he no longer has any hold on you or your emotions. That way, no matter what he says or does, when and to whom it will be of absolutely no consequence to you. You will have peace and happiness while he is still trying to get something out of nothing and he will look like a fool for doing so. I say go for that!

Listen to Elizabeth, unless there is no other way out, do NOT sign off on all or part of his child support. Don't lower it for him either. It is for you, you are taking care of those babies. You know what they need, you provide them with food, and a home with all the bills that come with that, clothing, etc. You deserve that money to help support the kids you made together. It is the only way to make him take any kind of responsiblity at all, for the babies he helped create. I avoid using "his babies" because he's made it clear where they stand and he doesn't deserve to be recognized as a daddy. And if you are fortunate enough not "need" it, put it into a college fund or savings account. My son's father saved all his child support and when my son turned 16 they bought him a car. Regardless, he is responsible for helping support your children. If he won't do it because it's the right thing to do, maybe he'll do it because it's the legal thing to do. Keep yourself in the driver's seat, you're doing great!

Michelle - posted on 06/15/2012

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Kristi...First of all, thank you for the vote of confidence! I really appreciate it. None of us thought you meant you are better than other people...but you actually are. You are learning from past occurances and know what friend to turn to. That, in my book, equals brilliant! If we all come together in these situations, and spread our experiences and "words of wisdom" we will all be brilliant. Our feelings do count and we are worthy of so much more than we get from some of these "men". I use the term very loosely, because it takes a REAL man to step up to the plate and take care of his family and responsibilities. His responsibilities include acting like a human being is supposed to act by treating people in the manner they are supposed to be treated. You are more than welcome to email me also. I don't pretend to know everything, but I am logical and very passionate about people not being treated like I was.

Kristi - posted on 06/15/2012

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Jan--I am reading every word and shaking my head again, knowing all those feelings too well. Then I read Michelle's remarks and I'm like YES, score one for the good guys! Repeat that quote from Elanor Roosevelt everyday until you start believing it for real. When my head and my heart were going in 10 different directions and nobody appeared to be in control, I called my only friend in the world, Jack........Daniels. NO! JUST KIDDING....hoping for a quick gasp! and then a "she is such a dumbass!" laugh. But seriously, my best friend has helped me through so many hard, hard times. She is logical and smart just as Michelle sounds like. I've been to the absolute bottom and then I've cut the bottom out because I thought that's where I deserved to be thanks in part to guys like that. Eventually, I learned that I am not insane or stupid and in fact, I am a good person, actually better than some*, that my feelings do matter and that it is ok for me to want more and expect better not just for me but more importantly for my child. You and your children have rights. Respect is non-negotiable. Anything less is unacceptable, from anyone. People can still disagree without being verbally abusive. I don't just mean without using the F word or other hate words, it includes being spiteful, threatening, demeaning, rude, etc. It doesn't matter if it is the deadbeat, the mall security guard or the day care teacher...no respect, get out of my face and let me talk with someone who does have some respect. But I learned everything the hard way and the long way while going the round about way so I'm going to do everybody a favor and shut up. : ) I'm so, so happy you now have someone like Michelle to help you through this. I hope you post updates or something, I really care how you are doing. I promise I'm not a crazy stalker mom. lol Take good care always.

*when I said I was even better than some, I was referring to the great taste we have in men, not actually that I am better than other people.

Michelle - posted on 06/13/2012

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Jan - some of these guys are very good at trying to twist your feelings for them. He said that he didn't want to be the "daddy" to either of these babies. Take that at face value and move on. If he WANTS to be a father then he can prove it and you will know that he means it. It takes a special man to be a Daddy; any male can be a Father. Don't let him play with your emotions, save those for your precious babies. I had one that played games (including not paying) and always tried to sweet talk me into not going through with court. I never backed down, found a good man to raise my child and he missed out on most of his child's life...by choice. He also caused a diagnosis of clinical depression and multiple learning disabilities (from shaken baby syndrome). I tried to facilitate his relationship with his child, and it was only me causes any contact. A clinical psychologist told me to quit "helping", to leave it up to him (which I did). If he chooses not to ever call again, then it is his choice AND HIS LOSS! You are feeling bad because you are a caring human being who wants to see the good in everyone. If he wants to step up to the plate, he will prove it too you! Stick to your plan and be strong...you and your babies will ultimately be better for it!

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Kristi - posted on 06/23/2012

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Good for you, Jan! He believes the lies he's telling are true, that is how they can keep at this stuff for so long and how they are able to so easily manipulate others into believing them. They take a piece of truth from this story over here and a sentance of truth from that comment over there and mix it in with their perception of "reality" and out comes the "truth" according to Scott, in my daughter's case. They tell it with such convinction and there is just barely, but just enough truth scattered through there that to someone who doesn't KNOW, KNOW him, it is totally believable. And the good ones, like my ex, even when you start to question or doubt him, he already has the answers ready so you think, oh, ok that makes sense. And by the time we catch on, he's got everybody so disenchanted with you, you're just left standing there going WTF? You're doing good! Don't fall for his crap and don't roll over and play dead. That approach doesn't work, either. If he's going to threaten you and harass you, do just like you did with the child support, turn it over to the proper authorities and he can work it out with them. Protect your babies and yourself. If I may ask, what was he doing time for? If had any violent aspect at all, whether he was convicted for that part of it or not, I would definitly call his P.O.. My ex was super scary when we left, well he & his crazy ass mother were violent while I was pregnant, I should have started running the minute my a$$ hit the ground there. So, don't take any chances, you never know what these kind of guys will do when they start to lose the control they had over their most prized objects. Tell your family and friends not to even engage him. Be just like you. Don't take his calls or answer his texts, if they see him in person a polite hi or simply nothing at all, keep on moving. That way we can't say anybody has been in his face or has been telling him you said you were going to do this or that. Just neutralize him and he won't be able to effect any of you anymore. It's hard, especially when he's antagonizing and making threats and trying to push people's buttons, but if everyone can just keep ignoring him he will either go away or cross the line and end up back in prison. It will drive him crazy at first, like it is now, but he can't fight "nobody." He can make a big fuss but that's about it, eventually, his fans will go home, too. I hope you gave yourself a pat on the back (or a hot fudge sundae lol) for your strength tonight. Keep believin!

[deleted account]

Thank you Kristi...I think a restraining order is going to be best. He text me tonight asking why the f* did I call his family letting them know I am pregnant and that if I keep playing with him he is going to have to "show me". Ummmm, I do NOT talk to his family and none of my family talks to his family and the few that do know about the pregnancy most certainly haven't told him anything. I didn't respond to the texts but I dont like threats so Im wondering should I go get an order or take the msg to his parole officer. I mean it is pretty much a threat but what I dont get is why text me asking me and threatening me about something that you know isn't even true. He is just all kinds of messed up really. Im not even going to entertain that. Just protect myself and move right along. I think he is keeping up this line of communication because in the past I used to be the one crying and texting him and his family begging them to help make him see and begging him to just try and be a father, now I dont communicate with him, I dont go places he frequents and I dont talk to his family or friends at all and I think its driving him crazy. The old him would ignore me at every single turn now every now and again he is trying to keep up mess. It will die down after I get that order because I know he's not trying to go back to prison. Monday am I think I will do just that!

Kristi - posted on 06/22/2012

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Oh my gosh, girl! Rose colored glasses, I wore rose and purple, yellow, green, whatever color I could think of to keep the hope alive! That's how come I understand what you're going through. I just had the hope and feelings of love and passion for one guy and the manipulation and deception and games from my exhusband. So, it's a little different but I get it. That's why I said if you end up letting him back in your life, I understand, because I do...been there, done that...a lot. But I also let my ex back into my daughter's life too many times, too. I could have spared her a great deal of suffering and misery had I gone with my gut. But it is what it is now and that is what I have to focus on. What can I do today to make her life and my life better? You are doing all the right things but you can't make time go any faster and that is what it is going to take for the hope to fade and the hurt to diminish, but you can do other things to keep your mind busy and your heart full with love for others while time works it's magic. You don't need me to tell you what they are.

Your close friend's theroy is dead on. I was saying the reason he might not have called you back right then could have been any number of reasons and not for you to look for something that isn't there. But your friend is definitely right. You are his safety net. I think we all talked about this awhile back, idk. But you've always been the one he could count on, no matter what so when the chips are down, he comes running back to you. When he sees something HE THINKS is better (but it is not!) he goes after that, like a dog after a new bone. It's time to make him burry his bone in someone else's back yard now. See how they like him when he shows his true colors....

You deserve better. Your children deserve better. This is your chance to build your "better" together with your kids. You can set a positive example for your daughter about how a man is supposed to treat a woman and when he is disrespectful, mean, etc...he has to go because she deserves better. She also needs to feel loved and secure. She will be confused and insecure of herself he keeps popping in and out. Why did he leave this time, did I do something wrong? Why does he love his other kids more than me? She will grow up thinking that that is acceptable behavior from men. The last thing I want is for my daughter to come anywhere near the path that I've been down. So far, I've been kind of weak in showing her how to avoid it. But we have had lots of open, honest discussions about things. Last year we made our first step toward our "better." I'm doing better at showing her an example and not just telling her. She is doing better at being a kid again and having fun and making friends and laughing and living and doing all the things happy, healthy kids are supposed to do. Are we great? She hits that target pretty often, I'm still working on better. My point is, you can do it, too.

Be a broken record, focus on this moment, what can you do in this moment to make your situation better (you don't always have to be doing something, either), figure out if the problem is one you can fix, if it is not, LET IT GO. (way easier said than done!), if it is, then make a list of your possible solutions, the steps it would take to get to each one, the pros and cons of each one, the possible consequences of each and the pros and cons of each consequence. Be as detailed as possible, that way you can make the most informed decision. Does that make any sense? It was kind of confusing to me at first when my counselor showed me how to do it. Keep yourself busy with your daughter, cleaning, getting ready for the new baby, going to the park, hanging out with friends and family, read, etc., keep up with counseling, JUST SAY NO--no contact, see if ONE friend or family member would be willing to take a message for you. But if he is harrassing or it doesn't have to do directly with the welfare of your children, you will file a restraining order. If you don't want to involve someone else, you can let him leave you a text, same rules apply. Don't erase any of them. In either case, there should be little reason for him to contact you at all. You have your daughter, you are the pregnant one, so there isn't much he should have to offer. Child support is all up to the state and there is nothing you can do about it, so no reason for him to contact you about that. When you find yourself wondering what to do next, start this record over. Repeat until it becomes habit and time has had a chance to help you heal.

[deleted account]

@Kristi...thank you for your post, your suggestions were all adequately good advice. Advice Ive been given by my counselor and friends and family. I don't know why I expected any thing else when he tried to reach me yesterday, of course after I text him that if he only means to hash an argument or disrespect me refrain from calling and he did so. No calls at all. But I did get paperwork from child support yesterday that our case is under review (per my request) for an increase in the support amount. And if I got mine yesterday, then it means he got his and that is probably what he wanted. So I instead of pondering counted my blessings that he saved me the hassle of texting rude things in regard to that.

You are very right though. I already know not much has changed since the last time we talked so I have to be careful of allowing myself to put the rose colored glasses back on. Guess I still had some of that residue of a thing called hope on my heart but I've taken some 409 and zapped it away ;). The fact this boy can be away from our baby this long and not ask about updates on the new baby and think it is ok is all the more reason for me to keep reminding myself not to care about things that dont care about us. But I am still done running.

My close male friend (not romantic) has a theory that even if its for something negative the reason I get contact from my ex every 2 to 3 days no longer than 5 days is because he wants to stay fresh on my mind in case he wants to come back and try to manipulate me for something, anything. I told him what you said its prob as simple as he was angry over the letter, decided it wasn't worth the trouble to argue and let it go. But he insists I need to have my guard up because when he gets desperate he will try it. The ONLY thing that leads me to almost believe in his theory is I'm shocked my ex even knows my # still. The first time he abandoned our child I got no calls, no texts, no emails, no nothing. Even on the street he didn't look my way at all if we passed each other. Until one day he stopped me at a red light we were right next to each other and told me he'd been wanting to contact me but no one would give him the #. It looks like he's holding on to my # this time. For what is what I was trying to figure out.

But like you said my mind should be re-focused on protecting myself and my family rather than tactic on what he plans to do or not do...:) Don't say it's not your business Kristi, because if I didn't want it to be anyone's business then I wouldn't post it on a public forum to get advice from other single parents who can look outside of the box. I am happy to share my experience with you all, hopefully it even helps someone else going through this.

[deleted account]

Just a mini update, I decided to stop running from my issues with my ex and basically let him hang himself if he wants to act stupid. Now while his # is still on the call block list, where it picks it up and hangs it up, he can still text but I wont get notification til later. So he tries to call me this am and I text back whats up? if It's negative I dont want to hear it because Im done arguing but if otherwise, just text me. Nothing back so far. Its been 4 hours. So Im guessing it must have been negative. But all the more shocking that he didn't respond negatively anyway, he's never listened when I asked him not to talk smack on my phone before. Now Im kinda like hmmm.....

[deleted account]

Thank you both very much. I know that he text my loved one again but she blocked his # she can see that he text but not what they say so I thanked them for that. It was 6 texts long but doesn't matter, with someone like him I know he's just going to continue to always try and find an in to manipulate and that's why I have to focus on myself and my kids...my reasons to get strong so that when that time comes again I dont have to think tactics, it will simply be no! I know he upset about the support thing but he will have to get over that. Again thank you all for your kind words and encouragement, this is a great outlet! Didn't see Michelle on here today :P, hope you are doing well mama if you read this :)

Kristi - posted on 06/18/2012

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Jan, that is most excellent! I don't want this to sound condescending or stupid but I'm really proud of you! It is not easy to put all that stuff aside and begin again. Like Angie said, it does take time. You are bound to have some ups and downs for a little while but with your positive attitude, self awareness, determination and love for your sweet little one(s) you will all be ok. Keep going to your counselor and don't be hard on yourself if you do have a bad. So here's to New Beginnings! : )

Angie - posted on 06/18/2012

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I say good for you Jan...and you DO need that closure, you need that peace within yourself to move on. It won't all happen overnight, but you've taken some important steps to help yourself and as the days go on, you will gain more confidence, more independence, and more self-esteem. You will look back at this time and say what was I thinking? lol, but don't judge yourself harshly...it's these learning experiences who make us who we are and I think you are going to be just fine :)

[deleted account]

@Kristi and Angie, I agree about the child support. I will not close or lower it and although I can already see now that he will twist things around to look like daddy of the year and me the monster, I know what the deal is and those that love me know too and that's all that matters. He knows my beliefs on this and that child support is not a punishment to him from me but there to support the CHILD(REN). But since he's not willing to do that on his own and is too dangerous to communicate with I will wash my hands of this and let the state take care of trying to obtain what is owed to our kid(s). I won't feel bad for that.

I did go see my counselor this morning at 8. I wrote down everything she said and the thing that stuck out the most to me is this, when I told her that he turns things around and blames me and I end up hating myself and having a pity party she told me it is all part of the manipulation, to keep me down so that the cycle never ends and he gets to keep his delusional view of himself as the jilted party. What I wrote down is when she said : One of the most dangerous relationships is violators of the heart. They prey on your heart and rob you of control of your life. They tell you what you want you hear, stroke your ego, tell you words of affection that you long to hear in an effort to get what they want from you. They are “takers” not “givers”. That is what he did. Baited our child and my desire to have a family or him be a father to take whatever he needed from me at the time. Well today Im saying NO MORE! I have had enough.

One of my good friends has constantly been telling me to give my situation to the Lord and leave it there. I thought Id done that but for every time I get upset or self pity party Im picking it back up. Its like taking your car to a mechanic and you leave it there trusting when they call you it will be fixed, you don't go pick it back up mid repair and drive it. Thats what Ive been doing. While I take my responsibility in this situation Im so done blaming myself. I am ready to forgive myself and also forgive him. Not to let him back in but for the sake of being able to let the anger go, let the disappointment go, just let it go. And as I said before let the state handle getting what is owed to my kid(s).

I did text him today from free online text messaging, it has no return # just put an email address and you can use a fake one and I told him I apologize for my animosity and rudeness towards you despite of your choices. That doesn't help the situation, but while I am frustrated at your choices they are in fact YOUR choices. This is a terrible situation and I want you to know child support is not there to punish you but there for you to aid in supporting the kids we created since you do not wish to do it willingly at this time. I will let the state take over from here. Despite whatever you decide to do or don't do, I wish you all of the very best. His number is blocked on my phone so I dont know if I got a response.

Now I know some are saying what are you doing, he will think he can manipulate you now because you showed kindness. Actually I did it to take my power back...to control myself again. I can only let him control me if I let him and I had been letting him control me by making me bitter and angry and down and sad. The minute I apologized I feel like me again and though he finds that as weakness I feel freedom. I am me again. Kind hearted and forgiving. But just because I forgive doesn't mean I have to let him back into my life to hurt me and my baby(s) again. So the apology was for me to break free out of this vicious cycle...now whatever he does at this point doesn't matter anymore.

I will work with child support and whatever they need but other than that, if he texts a friend or tries to reach out to me I can ignore it now because I made my own personal peace. I was sitting around waiting for him to help me do that and selfish as he is I accept now thats never going to happen so what can I do but take charge and take my life back and thats what Im doing today :)

Angie - posted on 06/17/2012

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Kristi is exactly right..once you remove that from your life, you will not realize how much stress will go away with it. I actually wrote my ex a letter explaining what I was doing and why. It allowed me to get my side out...vs trying to talk to a brick wall or him trying to turn it back on me. I told him to leave a voice mail and if it was something I felt important enough to return the call, I would. I've never had to as the only thing that would be that important is if he knew one of my boys were hurt or in trouble...and I didn't know..has never happened. If you do child support through child support enforcement, they will track him down, collect & direct deposit it to you..no reason to contact him. Personally I feel like contacting anyone after 10 pm and not being an emergency is disrespectful and rude but it seems like he's got away with it for so long, he doesnt care. I would even consider changing my number if he continues to be persistent and harassing. He don't control you and it's always your decision who you want to keep in your life.. Hang I there and keep staying strong :)

Michelle - posted on 06/17/2012

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Way to go , Angie! That is how to handle that and how to be a strong Mother for you kids! I applaud you!

Angie - posted on 06/17/2012

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Jan ...I personally don't think it's ever wrong to remove people from your life that bring you stress and heartache. There is only so much you can do and when you've done all you can, it's time to focus on yourself and your children. My kids dad is an alcoholic and he does not have a court order for visitation, although I do have a court order for child support. We've been separated almost 15 years so I don't have the feelings there, although I do wish my boys had more involvement with their father. It is heartbreaking that their dad doesn't ever choose to put them first when they are my life, my joy, my everything. After he spent 2 years in prison for felony DWI's, I really tried to give him a fresh start to see his boys again and within 5 months, he was drinking again and I ended all contact. I have not accepted a phone call in almost 2 years. He yells and cusses me out on my voice mail; he puts me down; he begs me to work with him ~ sometimes he's drunk, sometimes he's sober, but always he accepts no accountability. I choose not to bring that stress back into my life again until he has a court order forcing me to. Best of luck to you and congrats on your new addition coming.

[deleted account]

@Michelle, I responded to you ma'am :)...@Elizabeth I am finding that out now. He treated us like this before he went in and I thought his time inside and my "love" was going to change him. Spent years inside only to come out and be about the same thing. I text him that today also. And there is NO way Im going to drop the child support just because he is upset about it, it is not a "punishment" to him, it is because he has an obligation like I do (that I gladly love meeting) to take care of our children, and I will put him on support for the one on the way as well. He hasn't accused me of it not being his because he KNOWS me and that I don't lie about things like this.

He claimed he wasn't "worried" about the support and yet he is trying to give me grief over it. The support isn't for ME, its for the children so I will not take that from them. Even if he doesn't pay one day he will file taxes or maybe if he even won the lotto and then Id be kicking myself for closing it and cutting my babies off from those funds owed to them. May I ask Elizabeth what made you close yours and do you regret that now?

Elizabethe - posted on 06/17/2012

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Unfortunately if he has changed when he got out of prison and own up to his responsibilities before now, he most likely will not. You are probably feeling very vulnerable because you are pregnant with his baby. Be strong and do what you need to do to protect you and the lives of your child and child to be. He is probably very angry that you had him served for child support. Don't let it go like I did or you might end up with the short end of the stick when it comes to having child support for your children. The # 1 person you have to take care of is you and if you do that then your children will have you on their side for always. Be strong, have faith in yourself, raise your babies right and all the rest will follow the way it suppose to. Good Luck.

Michelle - posted on 06/17/2012

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That is one thing I said in my email to you...get mad about it! It is indecent, immoral and just flat wrong ehat he is doing. You need to be soooo angry!

[deleted account]

@Michelle...first...I got your email but haven't had the chance to read it, thank you so much for responding. And I may have messed up. He text me again and it was forwarded to me and he said that I used the baby when I was mad and put him on support, that I used her as BAIT! I shouldn't have responded but I just saw red. I told him how dare you accuse me of using her as bait when that is ALL you have EVER done, used her as bait pretending to care about her while you were in prison so Id be there for you, used her as bait so you could use me for part time sex, used her as bait when you want a revolving door in and out of my life and today is supposed to be Father's Day and the only talk about her is you angry about the child support. Dont you EVER accuse me of using my precious baby as bait simply for going after the one thing you could at least be decent and do for her. Why would I need to bait you with her when I want nothing from you other than support for our daughter and if you dont give it then I will still keep managing. I told him stay off of my ppl's line talking nonsense and stay out of my life. Wow, just wow. No response after that. He really truly thinks blaming things on me is going to stop his karma from coming around. I cant believe I stressed over THIS...THIS "person". Im going to pray to God to help me let it go and then Im going to completely do that. God forgive me but I cant stand him right now (not God, my ex).

Michelle - posted on 06/17/2012

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It isn't any fun for him if he isn't getting a response from you. Someone has probably asked him about your babies, and he is trying to look like super dad. Remember, it is much easier for him to place the blame on you than to accept that he is wrong.

[deleted account]

Thank you Kristi...I actually heard from him yesterday but didn't realize it til after Id already gone to bed because his # is blocked on my cell but it still holds the history of if they called and text, he just cant get through on the phone. He messaged me that I was wrong for not letting him know what is up with the new baby. WTF?!!!! HE chose to walk away and now hes putting it on ME! I text back typical you, its all my fault, you are a grown a** man if you want to know then lets be adults and have a conversation, so far no response. Sigh, the plot thickens.



P.S. I know better than to expect or look for a response, prob just him trying to clear his conscience before Father's Day, ugh!

Kristi - posted on 06/16/2012

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I feel like I just met 2 people that have been on and are now on the same path as I have been. I'm sorry you have to travel on this path but I'm grateful to meet you both. It just sounds like we all have so much in common. My mom said we women have to stick together because even the "good guys" don't always get us. I will take you up on your email offer, Michelle. ; ) And Jan if you'd like to talk to me at all my email is kcisneros@cox.net.

I hate to tell you this, but you're probably going to feel like that for awhile. Really, it does make sense that everything is all jumbled up because the way he has treated you and your babies is so confusing and inconsistant with everything he made you believe in and it also goes against your own moral code of what's right and wrong. I mean even the idea of treating our perfect, beautiful kids to ice cream and a special day at the park on Sunday and turning around on Monday saying Me, a mommy? is absurb, it's not even ascertainable to us. How could you possibly "choose" only one feeling in response to all that you've been put through and now what you still have to work through. The "good news" is, you're in the driver's seat now, even though you might wonder about that sometimes. I wish I could send you a couple hundred thou so you could relocate. That is the only thing that has helped me survive this last year. (that's another layer, for another day! lol) I'd love to tell you that each day it gets a little easier, but realistically, not so much. You can definitely say Phew! I made it another day! And be very proud of that! But inevitably, something will come up to throw you off balance and make you feel like you're back at square one but you won't be. You'll have a terrible day and you'll survive by spending time with your daughter, talking to your friends, crying it out, eating a carton of ice cream and whatever else you need to do to get yourself over the hump. It won't be so hard to get back up this time.

You're daughter and "bun" are plenty young that when the right guy comes along, they will see your example, not just have to hear about your experience. Even though, hopefully we can teach our daughters and son, if that turns out to be your case, what to look for and what is ok and what is not ok. Worst case scenario, if they end up in a mess like we did, we will have the kind of patience and understanding that only someone who's been there could. We will be able to help them heal and get back on their feet. God forbid! You're doing great by trying to focus on your blessings, that is definitely important, but that doesn't take away what happened to you or make your feelings any less important or painful. You are entitled to those feelings, so please don't judge yourself when you feel like you just can't get with it sometimes. If you need a cheerleader, just email me. My friend says if I fought for myself the way I fought for her I'd be unstoppable, haha! Keep up the good work!

Michelle - posted on 06/15/2012

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It is absolutely fine to email me. Remember, you cannot shock me or offend me by questions. I am a care taker and always have been. I love to see people triumph over adversity!

[deleted account]

@Kristi...your post was very heartfelt and thank you very much for your genuine concern. Things have been quiet again. No contact from him. I didn't expect it to hurt me. My emotions are all over the place from sadness to regret to anger to just plain lost. Our baby is so beautiful and so perfect (to me anyway :).) I love her so much and even the one on the way thats not even here yet. How could he pet on her for a few days just to use her to get what he needed out of me. How could he push her on the swingset and share ice cream with her and listen to her tell him about her preschool life and not love her automatically. how could he hold her in his arms and look at basically his little female twin and not love her instantly. Its hard on me at times because she looks SO much like him, her facial expressions...frowning her face up, wrinkling her nose when she laughs, her smile, all just like his but I know she is not him. She is her own person it just hurts when I see it. Im trying to count my blessings in this. When my daughters are older I can tell them from experience how they should and shouldn't be treated by a man and me walking away I hope sets a good example for them but it still just plain old hurts. Having ppl who understand to vent to also helps, thank you all again. @Michelle, Im about to email you, I hope its ok. I have a question that I dont want posted on here.



p.s. @M...my ex lives THREE minutes, a pull out of the driveway and a left turn outside of our home and his job is about only 3 blocks away. i see his car or him everytime i leave the house. I always try and divert our little ones attention when I see him about to pass by. ive been successful everytime thus far keeping her from seeing him.

Michelle - posted on 06/14/2012

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Jan, He wants you to blame and second guess yourself. As long as he doesn't have to accept responsibility it is great for him. These people ALWAYS blame everyone else. He probably isn't doing as much for the other children as you think. In your pain/heartache it just looks like it. Sometimes we only see what we want to see. It is easier for you to think he chose the other kids rather than just walking away from yours. Yes, my daughters father came back around for a short time when she was 18-19, then he stopped talking again until a couple of months ago. She is 24 and expecting her 1st child...now he has conveniently decided to be Mr. Wonderful and offer to help her a couple of different ways. I am absolutely livid that he feels he can be around for a grandchild! She knows what he is and isn't buying it. BTW, he only lived 10 minutes away the whole time she was growing up. Her is my email.... shadow101565@yahoo.com I look forward to helping in any way I can.

[deleted account]

Thanks Michelle and yes I would like that if you would like to give it, I think you can pm me on here. I have tried to think logically but its like my heart just takes over sometimes. I feel like a crazy person, this man has shown me he has no good intentions when it comes to us and yet I keep hurting over how he is treating his other child or children...hell, there are prob more (sorry for cursing)...and wow your ex didnt come back into your child's life until she was 18? I hadn't imagined my ex would wait that long but hearing everything and seeing everything I have its a possiblity...that or not at all. You have to have been a strong mother to take that on and I know I need to get stronger to do the same. Just hurts knowing he can just walk away like that and even worse can make time for the other child and not ours and blame me for why he cant which in turn has me blaming and second guessing myself.

Michelle - posted on 06/14/2012

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Jan, that is a difficult thing to deal with. You have to remember that he has chosen this path and at some point will have consequences for it. Many men, especially the manipulative ones, don't feel that girl children are worth their time and effort. The biggest thing you can do to "get back" at him is to become stronger than he wants you to be, and to teach your precious baby girl to be strong enough to not ever fall for this kind of crap! I have done that! My ex is "afraid" of me (because he cannot control me) and is totally at a loss when dealing with a daughter who won't fall for his crap. He wasn't around her until she was an adult (18 years) and now she is a stronger person than he ever was. You just remember that you and you babies are better off without him. At this point, he is only capable of bringing hurt and heartache to you guys. He only has the power to hurt you if you let him. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Make this statement words to live by....
I am very good at being logical and talking people through things, if you want my personal email address, I will give it to you. I really do wish you well.

[deleted account]

@Kristi, thank you again...I truly do hope this is the right thing. @Michelle, yes he was very, very good at it, obviously because I still can't believe all the things we planned 2 years for while he was locked away or now floating in the wind somewhere and that man I thought he was, was never real. It hurts but I know I will and as a mother have to get through this. Now last thing is how do I deal with seeing him in town taking care of his other child with the other woman. How do I deal with knowing hes doing for the son of the woman that did him so badly and couldn't find it in his heart to at least do for the daughter of the woman that held him down when he least deserved it.

Kristi - posted on 06/13/2012

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I can't give you proof positive advice about your ex because nobody knows the future but I do know had I not been so naive and generous my daughter would have been much better off. And with my HB if I told him to go get bent my self esteem might not be in a bucket and I might have felt more empowered to handle my other challenges that have come along. My ex's family is nuts too! They hired some con to say I committed adultery with him, they lied for him, they called DHHS on both his first wife & me and said we used meth (I haven't had so much as a puff off a cigarette! & he's a life long crack head), so you are right...you are not alone, but in no way does that make it your pain any less real. It doesn't take the heartbreak & sadness away or the secret hopes that things will work out go away. Only Father Time and your love for your children will heal that part of your heart. You're smart, you're doing right by your kids and for yourself, even though it doesn't feel like it. You have a lot of courage. Believe in yourself and your ability to do what's best for your children.

[deleted account]

@Kristi, thank you for your post, it was so heartfelt and very kind of you to share your experience with me. There are a few times where my heart lies to feel like it's the only one experiencing this kind of pain but I look around at all the other single mothers/fathers and heartbroken individuals and I know thats so not true...doesn't make my pain any less. But your story does sound similar to mine and Im sure you may have healed more from your situation by now but I still would like to say Im sorry you had to experience anything like that...you and your children.

It does hurt knowing that this is all going to come down on him, like when I really shouldn't care but thats the difference between me and him, my love was real and when its real it doesn't just die overnight but yest you are right I know to never go back to him or believe anything he says. Right about now I wouldn't even trust our child around him even in my own presence. He's a cruel hearted selfish man. I stood by him for that prison term and now he's out and making all those promises come true with someone who wasn't even there for him, not one letter. The least he could have done even if he hurt me was be a father to our child.

He hasn't called back or text since 12 am yesterday and he probably wont but our history has shown that every 6 months to a year or if he gets locked up thats when he will call again and much like now I wont take his calls. I may sound cruel but I dont even think Id mail him pictures of our daughter or the one on the way. If you can walk away, why do you deserve to know how they are doing just because you are locked down. What angers me most is how his family will go to lengths to protect him from the child support knowing full well what he has taken us through, knowing full well this is his child, knowing full well he has the means to help out. It makes me so angry. Hes on parole so I dont know if he will leave the state but I dont doubt that they will try and make that happen for him just to avoid support.

Its a bad situation all around. It really is.But I do need to do more to keep my mind off of it. I hate that I live in such a small town. EVERYDAY that I go even to Wal Mart up the street I see his car or one of his females or I see him period. I know him, hes going to call again, if not now, weeks, months or years from now and when he does Ill just keep doing what Ive been doing. I just wanted to make sure I was doing right by the kids in doing so.

Kristi - posted on 06/13/2012

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Oh Jan--I have tears in my eyes for you right now. You've taken my 1st exhusband and my "heart breaker" and rolled them into one. My ex is a felon, did the whole stand by your man thing with him also. We didn't have our baby until later but the outcome has been much like yours regarding the lack of parenting. I gave him more chances than he deserved to do the right thing by way of my daughter. He was one mean bastard. Then he would play the "but she deserves a daddy card and I promise I'll be better," card and around we went. Short version, save yourself a lot of time, energy and money and stay far away. In the long run you'll be saving your children from a lot of heartbreak, disappointment and self doubt. All the things, I'm guessing, you're feeling about now. Enter: "Heartbreaker (HB)" I fell madly in love with this guy. We were working together when we first met. I never believed in the love at first sight thing until I saw him. To this day, as pathetic as I feel, my heart still races when I think about him. But for whatever reasons, he moved on...sort of. I was left wondering why, what did I do wrong. I was devestated. But then he'd pop in and out of my life and my bed whenever the mood struck him and he knew I couldn't say no. Sometimes we'd be back together for a day sometimes a couple of months. I never knew. I even broke up with a couple of other boyfriends because I thought/hoped we were getting back together. Eventually, he stopped calling all together....almost.

Anyways, I just feel for you and the kind of emotions your going through. Between my ex and my HB I was so confused and distraught, my self esteem was on an elevator, I questioned myself at every corner whether it was, "will she resent me if she grows up without a dad" or "is he just using me for sex or is he going to stick around this time," because your heart wants to believe one thing but your head is telling you the other. The other thing I struggled with at first and why I gave in so many times was, I questioned myself about my real motivation in keeping my ex out of her life. Was it because I hated him for what he did to all of us and this is how I could get back at him or was it ok for me to stand my ground and keep him out because, indeed, that was what was best for her. It sounds to me like you know the answer to that question and you recognize, too, that he isn't good for you either. Those are two big hurdles cleared right there. You are doing so great by blocking those calls and not playing into his games. So what you flipped him the bird, I dare say, most of us would have done the same. He is making his own choices. As hard as it is, you need to let him suffer the consequences of those choices, alone. You and your kids have suffered enough because of his choices. If he chooses not to call ever again, that's on him, not you. He's made the choice not to pay his child support, for whatever reason, is that your fault? No. This is hard and it hurts but when he chooses to move on, that will sooo not be your fault. I didn't care about my ex but he is on his 3rd marriage AFTER ours and I was his 2nd. Our actual divorce wasn't final until like 05 or 06. If he mistreats you, chances are pretty high, he'll mistreat the next and he can't blame all of the women. And you wonder, why/how they can move on to a new family and toss out the old like we never existed. My ex has 4 bio daughters that hate him and 2 ex step children that do, too. His first wife and I gave him too many opportunities to "be a good dad." He took advantage of those opportunities and out of bitterness and revenge he used our children to try and hurt us. He damaged them for life. And ya know, if your guy turns it around, more power to him. Make him prove it and then you say how it works from there. But that is another day.

For now stay in the present. Call your friends and/or family and hang out, go somewhere to get outside of yourself for a little bit. If feasible, sign up for a mommy and me class with your 3 year old or just something for yourself. Try to start a new project, as little as reading a new book or as big as designing your new nursery. It will give you something to look forward to, something to be excited about. You can do this.

Sorry for going on so long!

[deleted account]

@Jen thank you for your response, you are very right. @Erin your post was not mean, it was straight forward and that's the sort of thing I lean towards right now. I know better than to hold out hope for this...boy, but yet a small part of me does at times. I know that the child support is about to come down hard on him and seeing as how he's on parole and they are willing to work with the state as far as his location and drivers license and plates info as to what I was told today, he really will have a hard time running. You are right about everything you said about him. I have no idea what the texts said that he sent to me (thank God for the text blocking app) but I wouldn't doubt it if one day he does try and sweet talk me just to get me to drop the support. He always told me he never asked me to drop it and wasn't worried about it but to me, if you are not worried about it then why call or text me. He knows if he doesn't pay its going to pose an issue for him but thats not my problem. I know better than to expect or depend on that money to come but for his sake I hope he does. I wouldve liked the time spent instead of the money with our child(ren) but seems the way he's living his life the kids are better off with him gone. I keep picturing him treating another family or woman or her kids better than me and our own and it hurts but at the end of the day his true self will come out no matter who he's with in due time. I dont know why I let my mind play these tricks on me sometimes.

Erin - posted on 06/12/2012

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Ok honey first things first you should concentrate on some self control first ok, stop having any communication with him. Obviously he is no good for you and just wants sex and to get to do whatever he feels like. This is not a man this is a BOY. Kids need men not boys to raise them. Change your phone number and discontinue any contact with him. If you do see him ignore him. If he harasses you get a no contact order. This is not the kind of thing you need to consume your time with. You have a baby and child to care for, you don't have time for games and childish fights. Move on honey this man will only bring you heartbreak and problems. Don't allow sexual attention to make you think he loves you. He obviously only loves himself. Don't be tricked he's probably just trying to get you to end child support and then he'll probably bail on you again. In my state a judge can make the perosn pay support evenif mom doesn't want it so the child doesn't get gyped by stuff like this. I wouldn't give him anymore chances and no offense you need to stop letting him get you pregnant. I'mnot trying to be mean but you're digging a hole with this guy. Good luck.

Jen - posted on 06/12/2012

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No you are not to blame. Don't sweat it. Relax. He wants to play childish games and if he doesn't want to leave you a message, you are not required by law to answer every phone call. He can leave a message.

[deleted account]

Got a text a midnight last night but couldn't' see what it said because his # is blocked on my phone but I still get updates from blocked #'s if they call or text just hide the msgs. I saw him on the road just now and he flipped me off and I did it back. I feel so stupid. I keep wondering how it all came to this.

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