Baby sleeping in same room as daddy and girlfriend :S

Amanda - posted on 09/18/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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So my ex is with another girl for 5 months now. Our son who is 2 years and 2 months spends 50% of his time at his dads, which is great. But they are already living with the girl and they only have one bedroom. I have tried to talk to his dad about it, but he just says its fine and all he can do since they dont have a spare room, He says our son is blocked from the rest of the room with a screen type thing. But that doesnt change the fact that he can hear what goes on in the room too. Does anyone else have any ideas or suggestions? Or am i being unreasonable by thinking this is wrong?

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Amanda - posted on 09/22/2010

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if he is having sex with this other girl in the room with your son even if he is "sleeping" thats wrong and i would call a lawyer asap if he is going to have your son 50% of the time he has to have his own space and your ex needs to provide that or not have him over night

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Razz - posted on 06/17/2013

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This is a question I've been asking from the other side of the equation: being the partner sleeping with the parent while a young child in the same room. It has concerned me that this could create upset and so I've spent a lot of time looking into this.

What my reading has discovered is:

As long as the child is asleep there isn't a problem with their development;

Seeing a parent in a loving relationship can be healthy for that child and help them move on from the upset;

Children who do hear or see partners making love may initially think they are fighting. This needs to be dealt with quickly;

Uneasiness about sex with children around appears to be entirely cultural. My s/o is African and found my uneasiness amusing, while my Indian ex was upset we didn't make love in her parent's home because our kids were in the same room.

The reality is not everyone has the option of a spare room for a child, or can afford more than a screen in their shared room. Provided your ex is being careful and sensitive, is making sure your child is being loved and isn't flaunting their sex life there shouldn't be a problem.

Afraid this is just something that needs to be parked. You're right to be concerned and a quick chat should show your ex has been sharing concerns and dealing with them.

Amanda - posted on 06/22/2012

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I agree with those comments saying it is wrong. This isnt an issue of taking or ending visitation but if Daddy can't get his own place then it would be more appropriate for the child to sleep in the living room but the fact that there are multiple unrelated roommates would make that an issue as well. Most courts frown or order no overnight visitors while the child in visiting because of the damage that can be done by exposing kids to this situation. To the person who asked about the difference between child sleeping with mom and dad or dad and his new gf? REALLY???? .

Manda - posted on 06/09/2012

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Sorry I didnt answer to your question. I just dont know how cause im dealing with the same thing

Manda - posted on 06/09/2012

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Glad I found something to help me too! I am going through the same thing as well. My son is 19 months and his dad told me today that for fathers day that they will be sharing the same room for every time that my son is with his dad. Granted he is only 19 months and as far as I know the dad isn't seeing anyone else. Not sure though. But I have my son in a set schedule. We eat dinner take a bath and in bed by 9 pm every night. He sleeps in his own room. My daughter also has her own room and she is 6 months. My kids father wont sleep on the couch. But he puts my child down at 9 or later, then he goes in to go to bed later. What if he wakes up? Then my kids father will get up with him. I dont. My son and daughter sleep all night long. Should I take him to court to get a sleeping arrangement set up?

Angela - posted on 07/18/2011

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I fully understand the concern here, however each case has a different circumstance. One cannot refuse the father access to his child unless a court order states that (in which both parties would have appeared in court and BOTH parties concerns and points where viewed and the CHILDS best interests.... ) Lets not forget that these are the fathers of our children, what is the difference if married couples/couples children sleep with them in bed up to ages 5+?? Lets all think of the children and not about ourselves ladies..

Jennifer - posted on 10/02/2010

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I told my ex that if he wanted my son to visit that he needed his own space. He got a two bedroom, but he has never came and got my son (he lives in another state 10 hours away, so im not saying every weekend). But unless they refrain from sex then its ok. But I wouldn't trust him saying they don't!

Jeanette - posted on 09/30/2010

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I think you shouldn't allow him to sleep over.Have him pick up your son from daycare. He gets out at 5 u at 7.Pick him up around 8 to give them some extra time together.Don't allow your son to sleep in the living room as there are other people living there.You won't be able to control who comes in and out of that house and you don't know how those peole really are.Let your ex know that once his living arrangements change you can work something out.

[deleted account]

yes it does bring distubance in a relationship at some point but u know what hell with when your son is sleeping just eventually put him on his bed or what ever he had before when he was smaller, to sleep in,, i also have a two year old daughter also and is the same issue and my husband dont have a problem with as long we spend that time together we all happy, it will be trouble sometime due to the childs warmth close to the perant body but something close to such as a rolled blanket next him while sleeping on the smell of his mom clothes such as your night wear that wear once or twice next him where he can smell not directly to his face he should sleep comfortable(let his hands hug that material) that the best i can give

Susan - posted on 09/24/2010

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I don't think it's right. Even if he has to sleep in the living room, it's better than sleeping in the same room with dad & girlfriend. My shared parenting agreement w/ my ex through the courts even states that we must each have a separate bedroom for my daughter. Even if the girlfriend wasn't there, I think he needs his own sleep space. The older he gets, the more he'll get used to sleeping in the same room and the more difficult it will be to break the habit.

Amber - posted on 09/23/2010

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I was in the opposite end of this. I was the one with the other half and my 4 year old daughter slept in the bed with us. It was dificult trying to break her of this habit seeing as after her father and I divorced she had started sleeping back in his room and in mine (when I had her) when she went to bed. I tried to put her to sleep on the loveseat in my room so that way she wasn't in the bed with me and the other guy, but there were some nights she'd wake up with nightmares or she'd be sick, and she'd still end up in the bed with us. Not once would I ever DREAM of doing anything while she was in the room though, and if you feel something like that is going on while your child is in the room with your ex and his girlfriend, then it should seriously be addressed. There are other areas in the house one can go if they seriously have issues controlling themselves, but to do something with a child in the room is just wrong on all levels I don't care how young they are and if they "don't know any better" or "can't see things because of a screen blocking the view". You mentioned there are other rooms being rented out in the home, then they need to rid themselves of one of the renters and give that room to your child. There is such a thing as getting another job or a better job if they need the money that bad to keep the place, or, MOVE into a cheaper place with 2 bedrooms and hey, the child would still have their own room.

Robin - posted on 09/23/2010

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I dont think that any one in their right mind would think that the sleeping arrangements would work weather you go through the courts or if you go through CPS. No one would allow it. If they do then there is something wrong with them. If I were you I would talk to both of them and see what they say.

Cherry - posted on 09/23/2010

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sounds like this is a problem that can be fixed. he definetly shouldnt be sleeping in a room with him and some other chick thats not his wife, but if you choose that his dad watch him at night then thats how it going to be unless you decide to look for a day job and to let this be a temporary situation until you get something in the day and not have your son spend the night anymore. men dont think about stuff like that so its up to you to change the situation with out jepardizing father son relationship. there is child care assistance programs in every city. find out what yours is and get on the waiting list now so you can get your son into daycare you can afford according to your income whether you decide to work day or night so your son wont be in that situation. hope this helps.

Amanda - posted on 09/22/2010

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Thanks Jennifer for your support. We actually dont have anything in place for custody. We have just been working things out on our own because i agreed to him not paying child support if he helped out with things like clothes and diapers. Plus i work 11 to 7 and his dad work 8 to 5 kind of hours. He picks him up from daycare and watches him until i get off work, plus he takes him a few nights a week. I am not complaining that he is with his dad too much, i thinks its great, but because he is so young i think we made a mistake going 50/50 because it is too much for him to handle, he needs to see his dad often, but it doesnt have to be for sleep overs 3 or 4 nights a week, maybe 2 max and how ever much during the day as long as its reasonable to me too.

Jennifer - posted on 09/22/2010

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umm hes having some major issues sleeping in his own room cause he doesnt have one at his dads if his dad gave him his own room he would be fine.. and no court in there right mind would let him sleep in there room at 2 exspecially cause thats not his mom.. and if theres two roommates kick one out cause the best interest of the child is at stake.. if you have custody which im assuming you do cause you said that you work and thats why he has him put him in daycare and have his father pay half of it.that way he has some friends to. i wouldnt want my boys sleeping in the same room as there father and his gf cause you dont know what they do in that room with your son there and its not right.. and he doesnt need to see innapropriate things.. hes 2 not 17 i mean really.. it seems to me that his best interest isnt in his father hands..if he doesnt care that his 2 yr old is sleeping in the same room even though theres more rooms in the house.. i would go back to court and fight him on it cause thats not right.. and until he gets his own room at his fathers hes gonna have some major issues sleeping in his own room and hes gonna wanna sleep with you and has he gets older trust me i know from experience its gonna be really really hard to break it.. good luck,.

Amanda - posted on 09/22/2010

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so it's not just him and her but to complete strangers around your child at the same time, I wouldn't be able to do it and ur right most courts order the child have their own room, to even let them get joint custody, it's very frustrating

Billie - posted on 09/22/2010

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She owns the house but rents out the bedrooms? Maybe she's renting those rooms out because that's what she needs to do to pay the mortgage. Yes he may get hurt by the relationship ending after he's become attached, but that's not something you can control and that doesn't have anything to do with them letting him sleep in the bedroom. As for him not sleeping in his own bed, he's 2. They get that way sometimes. Yes he may be getting a little confusion from the change of sleeping conditions between your house and his dad's house, but do you truly consider that "harm"? All I'm saying is that in light of the fact that his father is spending a tremendous amount of time with your son right now (when a lot of dads couldn't care less) and that IS in your son's best interest to see his dad, I would really have to think twice about making an issue of this. He's not truly being harmed. Do you think your son's father would have sex in the room with your son watching? You can take this before a judge and you may get the judge to agree with you and order them to change the sleeping arrangements. The result of that may be a drastic reduction to the amount of time your son gets to spend with his dad and make the relationship between the adults ugly and tense. Or without proof of any harm to the child and with him being so young, the judge may allow it against your wishes. Either way your ex is going to be with this woman, your son is going to be hurt when the relationship ends and there's nothing you can do about it. But if you win he may get his own space in their home. If weighing all the pros and cons of the situation and benefits vs harm to your son, this is a battle you feel you need to fight, then good luck with it.

Amanda - posted on 09/21/2010

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Quanda, I understand what you are saying, but she owns her house and rents out 2 bedrooms to friends. Maybe they should be putting our son's best interest first, no? No matter how much i would like to prove myself right, i do not want to see my son get hurt, he is already attache to this girl and it seems like he doesnt even know his dad as his own person, he always says dad and ashley and very rarely just dad by himself. I am also having huge issues getting my son so sleep in his own room that he has at home with me. I'm not sure if it has to do with not being around me as much as he used to, with me working and him spending half his time with his dad, or if it has to do with the fact that he doesnt sleep in a room by him self anymore at his dads and has gotten to comfortable with that.

Billie - posted on 09/20/2010

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If that's all he can afford right now, what would you have him do? Not have your son spend the time with him? I totally understand your concern, but overall if he can't get a bigger place and he lives with this woman, if you push for him to get a bigger place through court, those visits may slow down or stop until he can find more room. He's been with this girl for 5 months and they're already living together? Great chance the relationship will fail. I would bide my time until it does and then respectfully point out to him that now your son has become familiar with and fond of someone who will not be around and that this was what you were concerned about. Make it a mistake that he has to learn from and talk to him about how to handle the situation better in future. Whatever you do, think carefully about how it will affect your son.

JuLeah - posted on 09/19/2010

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Well, on the one hand, there are many many places, cultures that have the family all living in one room. On the other hand, 5 months is a very very short amount of time. I'd, maybe, allow the person to meet my child after five months. I would never allow the person to sleep over, with my child's knowing, after just five months. And, to be living with a person after just five months .... well, that is stupid.
Given the clear lack of judgment shown in all other areas, I would question and be concerned about my child in the same room with them.

Kimberly - posted on 09/19/2010

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i don't think that's right. im sure the courts where i live would never allow that especially bc shes not his mom. he cant put the bed in the living room or any other room while hes sleeping at night?? i would b mad if my x did that with one of our kids

[deleted account]

I don't 'think' the court would find the sleeping arrangements appropriate, but I'm not entirely sure at that age. I know my girls have to have their own space when they go see their dad, but they are 8....

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