Boyfriend....

Jennifer - posted on 11/12/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Okay this is really nothing to do with my son directly but because I have been in a relationship for a year with this guy it does affect my son so here goes:

I have been with this guy for a year. He is 27 and still lives with his mom. It bothers me not that he went through a time where he needed to, but that he isn't really making alot of plans to move on from there. We live about 40 miles apart and instead of making plans to move on his own and better himself as a man, he is contemplating taking a free apartment where his parents live... I have plans to go on to college and move away from where I am at and I am scared that he will just try to swing on my coat tails and never learn the responsibility for himself. Not only that but he doesn't tell his mom and sister when we are together on dates and they call... this seems strange to me. I encourage strong relationships with your parents.. but its starting to feel unhealthy to me. I am also noticing some other signs that he may be unhealthy. Like: He never goes out of his way to come see me.. only if he is in town. 2) he never tells me about things his friends want me to go to until he is already there and I being a mom cannot just pick up and go.. it kind of makes me feel like he is keeping me away from his life somehow 3) when I went to go see his mom for the first time she took out pictures of his ex girlfriends and was like "oh do you remember her? you too were so close.. what ever happened to her? I have a deep sensing that he is playing some weird manipulative game with me. I have never been in a relationship this long and I'm starting to mistrust him and the things he says and does. I feel like he is playing some game with mommy to create some drama or get some weird ego boost or something. Something isn't quite right with this and I can't put my finger on it. I need some outside opinions as I am in the inside and that can be blinding at times!! HELP!! I don't want my son to be around the wrong guy!! oh yeah and he says he loves me but thats it! there is no more to it. No romance, I have to tell him how to love me and I am exhausted!!! I tell him and he still claims he needs to think about it... I have been keeping my distance from him lately and still making plans to go on but am I crazy? I have never been too jealous and happy and I am strong.. just he makes me feel crazy sometimes and I don't like the way he makes me feel... so... am I crazy?

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Lillian - posted on 12/02/2009

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Let him go... you sound like a great girl and you don't need another son to look after - you're already doing that!! Being on your own is better than being treated the way you are right now.. time to move on. Look for other role models for your son - a boyfriend/partner isn't the only way. And maybe thru sports or scouts or whatever your son is interested in you might find Mr Right. good luck!

Elise - posted on 11/13/2009

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Also forgot to remind you that you will be happier if you don't have to drag around these worries about him. There are available men out there that can contribute to a mature relationship!

Elise - posted on 11/13/2009

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I sooooooo feel for you! It can be agonizing to decide something that involves your heart... so switch to mind only mode, (I know thats easier said than done). Ask yourself these two questions: Does this man make your life better? Am I recieving at least as much as I'm giving?

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Jennifer - posted on 12/07/2009

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Thanks for the reply! Him and I broke it off about a week ago. It has been emotionally wearing, but I am okay. He told me that he needed to "find himself".. who am I to hold him back on that? Besides in it I have found that I too may be needing some more "me" time as well to heal and forgive. Even though deep down I have my suspicions I have been giving them to God and well just letting it go little by little and day by day. I guess my major frusteration is that he never really had me and my son in mind in any of his actions or decisions and well whatever.. it kind of feels like I am dealing with the same issues I had with my son's father. I decided to put my standards a little higher and expectations a little lower this time and go on with what God has for me now and trust for better!! Thank you so much for all the encouragement!!

Krystal - posted on 12/06/2009

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I was in a relationship somewhat like this. I didnt have the problems with the mother. But the problems you have witht this guy, I had with the guy I was with. After months of the samething, I threw in the towel. I was always doing things alone while he ran around with his friends. When I finally got it together I saw that since I was already alone most of the time then I should be alone all of the time. I am happy with my decision. So having said all this, it may be time for you to throw in the towel too.

Danielle - posted on 12/03/2009

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He sounds like a better babysitter than boyfriend, don't fully ditch him yet! All joking aside, a friend of mine went through the exact same thing. Her child was young, no dad around, housebound if you will. He would call randomly, show up randomly, as you described. I commented to a male that I found this so odd, he simply said, he is doing that with probably 3-5 girls. I told him he had to be wrong. Just over a week later, she learnt it was her best friend and yes, other women and he had the same behavior with all of them. My friend said he had a friend that did this, a single mom is very appealing for these men because you cannot "check up" on them, they decide when you see them, and he knows for sure you are not out screwing around, you are home. I watched her frustration, its not fair to you or your child, they sense it.



Always go w/your gut, it sounds like you know what you need to do :)

Jennifer - posted on 11/30/2009

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Not that anyone really should care... but I broke it off and believe it or not... I'm OK!! :) In fact I just joined a pilates class and got some things DONE for a change. I was silly to get all wrapped up... oh and I actually SAT and played with my son again.. wow! I noticed that my son is a little happier too... guess he was taking on some of mom's pain in his heart (kids do that).. Thanks so much ladies for all your encouragement! It was all well received :)

Jennifer - posted on 11/16/2009

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Thanks ladies! yeah I knew it.. I think i needed to hear it out loud instead of it just rolling in my head. :)

Candice - posted on 11/13/2009

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well, sounds to me like you're not "blind to it" at all. get out. raise your standards. move on. you've done your time, you tried. he needs to grow up.

Rebecca - posted on 11/13/2009

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Don't be afraid of hurting his feelings. He's clearly not the least bit afraid of hurting yours! I know it's hard to break up. Trust me I know--but this guy is never going to make you feel any better. And you have too much going for you to let some silly man drag you down. I'm a single mom too and I've put up with some BS too when it comes to relationships. It is REALLY hard being a single parent. And it does get REALLY lonely and sometimes you just want companionship. Even if that companionship brings you leftover cheeseballs!!!! LOL. Hilarious. And dont' just think about yourself--think about your son. Souns like he is at least great with your son, but you know, kids pick up EVERYTHING. And while he might be great with your son, he's NOT great with you. And your son will pick that up and think that's how women are treated. This guy is a jerk. And he OBVIOUSLY doesn't care about you. Dump him sweetie and move on. If you ever want to talk--PLEASE feel free to email me. kcbec (at) yahoo dot com. Sometimes it's nice just to have a friend in your corner...

Chrystal - posted on 11/13/2009

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You need a man not another son. It is time to move on with your little family and don't let him hold you back.how old is your son? This may sound harsh but kick him to the curb. You have to think about your child and yourself. tell him he is playing a game that you are tired of playing and move on. You can do it. i know you can.

Jennifer - posted on 11/12/2009

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Tell me what the hell I am doing in this anyways? I am so smart!! i think Im scared of hurting his feelings or something>>>>> I have to laugh because I am still thinking of the left over cheeseballs!!!

Jennifer - posted on 11/12/2009

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Thanks Rebecca! yeah there is alot more to it.. trust me. One thing is that after 3 days not speaking because he never showed up when he said, he comes over one night with left over cheeseballs that have been sitting on his work counter for over 6 hours and hands them to me. Whats worse is he thought this was a very noble thing. I just confronted him about it and his response was: "What? I didn't want them anymore so I thought I would give them to you." LOL! Oh my!! I laugh now.. but its very reflective on how he is with me. Sure he is fun with my son, but he is terrible with me. AHHHH!!!!! Tell me what you think or how you would feel about left over cheeseballs (stale ones!) Romeo, O Romeo...... LOL

Rebecca - posted on 11/12/2009

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You said it - He's NOT going to learn responsibility for himself--ESPECIALLY if you let him (or continue to let him) "swing on your coat tails" as you say. He's a grown man. If he hasn't shown motivation (whether it be for work, educatoin, family, living, whatever) by this point, he's probably not going to. I'm sure I don't know the whole situation, but from what you've said, it's not a good one. My opinion--stop the relationship now. Take care of your son, take care of yourself. You clearly have goals and plans to attain those goals. Go for them! Don't let this man hold you back. And it sounds like he will.

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