can you give me advice, should i move away?

Renee - posted on 10/28/2012

thank you to all of you who have given me advice and been my circle of friends (moms) that i needed while going through this situation alone. Ive been in my new apartment about 30 from the town my ex works and lives in that we once lived together. he thinks im in Florida. He hasn't really made a fuss about seeing our little one, he pays weekly payments in a bank account i have and i email him pictures about once a month. Its been five months now that we have been in this little town, have been going to church regularly but there isn't any dance classes or mothers day out programs here for my little one to be involved in. we are bored OUT of our MINDS. We have to get in the car to drive a mile or two to the park where before we had bike paths and playgrounds around the corner. we live off of a highway so there arent any sidewalks to take walks down. Our apartment is nice and clean for that matter in a safe area, but we haven't had but one visitor, the preacher, since we have been here. my church knows we have no family and friends but we are still not invited to do things or meet with other moms and families. I feel so lonely and my little one is behaving badly as she is bored. My family lives five hours away and don't come to visit...i live in a beautiful state with so much to do, but its in the bigger town in which i use to live, they have a huge library and tons of parks and blowup jump houses, botanical gardens and so much more. im always tempted to move back to where my family live. but after the way they have all treated me i should cut my ties. I just worry about my little girl. She is just with me all the time except when going to church. We don't do anything fun for her. She is bored with everything we do at home and books and movies and sitting around the apartment. I get upset that my family hasn't tried to help us move with getting us a uhual. I was close to moving this summer even lost a deposit on a place when my mom was to help us move and never said anything else about it. Now i have found another place and keep wanting to be loved and excepted and my baby loved by them to live close. But, Im not getting anything yes or no from anyone. Any advice?

Renee - posted on 07/29/2012

Thank you Kristi.I do feel relieved and able to sleep at night now without worrying about someone beating on the door or getting served with papers. Where I live is pretty secluded with its own shopping and activities and is an hour from him. Im going to lay low for awhile I have no need to go where he lives, so i pray i don't bump into him at all!

Kristi - posted on 07/28/2012

Renee--

It's good that you have found new surroundings. That must feel great, knowing you CAN stand on your own two feet! I'm sure your daughter feels better without all the conflict and the strife. IMO, your ex has had more than his fair share of chances. If your parenting plan says phone number OR email and he already has your email address, I'd say leave it just like that. The other thing is, he would have to take you back to court if he wanted to enforce the parenting plan, lots of hassle, lots of money for him, just for phone privledges. I doubt he would follow through. I would absolutely not give him your number. Tell him you don't have a phone anymore and if he wants to email your daughter letters, you will be sure she gets them and that you will read them to her. You could set up a free email address for him to send stuff to, and leave that email just for his stuff. That way you can check it if and when you want to. My only concern here is that you will run into him sometime and have to explain why you're not out of state. Otherwise, I'd say you're set. No visits. No phone calls. You and your daughter can start rebuilding a happy, stable life together without interference and all the negativity from him. That is my opinion. Good luck!

Renee - posted on 07/27/2012

Now that my toddler and I are settled in, I have worked hard to become anonymous. Ive put freezes on my credit history my ss number all my utilities and had my phone turned off. I have had my mail forwarded to an online post office box company and had my phone turned off. two days before we moved away i asked my ex over the phone if he would cause alot of trouble if we moved out of state because i missed my family? he said no, sometimes ppl have to do that, for jobs or be close to family. its like he wanted us to leave. we have been moved out of our apartment a week, he lives there i assume and he has asked to see our little one on monday. and again emailed me tonight for our updated phone number. if i have sole custody do i have to answer his emails? do I have to communicate with him? i mean i wrote up the parentling plan but that was when we both lived in another state. all that it states is that we must have an accurate phone number or email address for communication. i sont want to give him my number, our daughter cant talk very well anyways. it all just upsets me that he is trying to be a dad to her while rubbing it in our faces he left us to be with his other kids and first wife. how do i explain that to her if he was in her life. thats why i told him i was moving to florida to be away from all the drama and even found out his exwife who he is with had my toddlers name tattooed on her back with her kids' name before she even met her. i know he is only wanting contact with our daughter because of his kids wanting to. for the image of it. any advice?

Brandi - posted on 07/19/2012

Good for you!! I had a situtaion where my ex didnt want to spend any time with our girls. He was an alcoholic and was nvr around. I left him after 4 yrs my youngest was 8 months old and my oldes was 1 1/2. I couldnt take it anymore. I met my husband a few yrs later. After we married he adopted my daughters and my ex showed up to court 2x without a lawyer so weh had 2 continuances and finally he just gave up w/o a fight and signed over his rights and allowed my husband to adopt them. We moved to North Carolina a few months later since he could no longer stop me. I needed a fresh start and my girls did more so. But another incident when she was 2 told me he "touched" her. That was my BIGGEST reason for moving away. her fear was just sooo intense that if we were walking or in a store and she saw ANY stranger that resembled him the slightest bit she screamed and cried bloody murder. BUT im so glad u can stand your ground and not be run off...just be careful of his "reasoning" behind changing his mind about signing off his rights. doesnt sound like he wants to be a dad just wants to show off and make it "seem" like he is....good luck to u and ur little girl!!!!!!

Kristi - posted on 07/09/2012

Wow, Renee...excellent work! I'm so happy you are able to stay in your area and go to school. Congratulations on your new home. You are doing all the right things and that will pay off in the end. I'm sorry he changed his mind and is causing trouble again. He is obviously being pressured to keep this thing going by the new skank and that sucks! Have you been able to have any civil, mature conversations by phone? If you don't want him coming to your house maybe you could go out to a public setting, coffee shop, Burger King, another casual restaurant or even just a park. Usually people control themselves better in public plus it won't be such an intimate environment, where it might be easier to manipulate you. It would be better if your daughter was not around for any of this meeting, should you choose to have it. In reality, it is understandable to want enough time to really think a decsion this serious all the way through. However, it sounds like he had made up his mind to do the right thing and is now being forced to reconsider it by people who only care about appearances. If you don't think he'll be rational, I wouldn't meet with him. Go with your gut, not your emotions. Easier said than done. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. You've been making some great decisions lately to get your life in order for you & your daughter so she can have stablity and consistency and of course, tons of love! Good luck! : )

Renee - posted on 07/09/2012

i have decided not ot move back to the state im from, where my mom and family are. she was not upset, says she did everything to help me move there, but it was very expensive to move and haul all of my things. in the meantime i was approved for a very clean and quiet, affordable apartment about a mile from where i live. its a new and upcoming area and very safe and still close to my church and mothers day out program for my toddler. i am continuing in the fall after summer semester is over with my online degree through the state university for teaching. my childs father and family never call or text to ask about our little one. his exwife and kids are living here and not sure if they are staying or moving here for good.probablly will. i found documents online to print off for relinguishing rights as a father. texted him on thursday about it. i was going ot bring them by friday morning to meet him at the bank ot have them notarized. he said he couldnt get away from work. now after the weekend he obviously had a change of heart.i dont trust his actions, as he only wants our little on his life for his kids. he kept saying that they should know eachother. nothing about being a father to her and role model. i dont want to have to explain to her when she is allittle older why her dad and grandma dont come around.or break their promises when they say they are coming over and dont show up. hes already shown me since she was born and when he lived with us and since hes been gone for six months. hes a jerk and bad dad. he has provided us a place to live til now. i am moving to a different apartment complex. he has asked to come over to talk more about it tonight. i dont know what to do. he doesnt think its a good idea to sign over his rights and wants to think about it more. but after the weekend having everyone in his ear telling hiim different he has changed his mind.

Renee - posted on 06/27/2012

Thank you. I have made a list and I have talked with an attorney before considering to move so that I knew I had the rights to do so. I gave him a 30 day notice like I have written in my custody papers. i think i have posted this question on about six other pages here, lol, so I was really trying to put every opinion together. thank you so much for your help.

Kristi - posted on 06/27/2012

Renee--

I knew you were talking about your own family, I just used your daughter's in-laws as an example because I know you would never treat her the way your family is treating both of you now. I only wanted you to reread your post so you could recognize how poorly your family really is treating you and hoping maybe you would realize moving with them would be very unhealthy and very detrimental for you and your daughter. Did you try making the list I mentioned? Have you tried to contact an attorney for a free consultation? You have to do a little bit of leg work here to help yourself out. I know you have an overwhelming heap of crap on your plate, that's why I made the suggestions that I did. So you can chip away at that pile, some of it can be scraped right off because it is the stuff you cannot change. The other stuff, you'll have to take care of a little bit at a time. Change is very hard, it can seem impossible at times. You have reached out for help on here, a couple of other moms have responded with some suggestions and I've been doing most of the talking. I don't know who else you have reached out to but when the final bell rings, this decsion has to be yours. We cannot make it for you. IMO and experience, the last place I would go is anywhere near your so-called family. As a matter of fact, I would do my best to have as little contact as possible with them for my own peace of mind and overall stability. If I was happy and comfortable with my life where I was with the exception of my ex, in this case, it is hard for me to make a clean cut call. As I said previously, I have a very difficult time believing a judge is going to give your ex any kind of custody based on what you've said here. He's not in her life and he's a violent felon. That does not add up to joint custdy in any court of law that I know of. So if the only thing that is making you consider moving is the possibility of him getting custody, then I'd stay. But if you are in fear for your safety, and there is a chance he could come after you, get out. Your life and that of your daughter's is not worth the risk. That is as close as I can come to a direct answer based on what you have shared. Please consider trying the suggestions given here by all of us other moms. See where that gets you and go from there. But trust me, this I have learned the hard way also, if you don't stand up soon the decision will end up being made for you by someone else, under some other circumstances that are much worse than this, under which you're control will be very limited. That is a position you don't want to find yourself in. If you can't do it for yourself (which I could not), do it for your daughter (which I knew I had to do). There are other moms here to support you through this but we can't do it for you. I will be looking forward to your next post. : )

Renee - posted on 06/26/2012

when i talk to my cousins and friends no one will give me advice as what they would actually do if they were me. Its just that no one wants to be the one to give the wrong advice. if it were me giving out advice im always straight forward and trying to work through the possibilities one way or another. reading my own post over and over again hasn't help anything stand out in my mind. On one had, move out of state, down the street from my family but more or less sit alone until my mom wants to take my little one places, (her convience) raising my daughter around the hateful family that I grewup with, but getting away from my pyscho ex and his wife who may change my life for ever by getting shared custody. Or, staying in the same town and moving to a new place that he doesn't know where i live, wondering each day if he is going to find out where we live.

Renee - posted on 06/26/2012

Thanks Kristi, these are my family members treating me like this when it comes to the mental abuse not my inlaws. and they tell me i take things too seriously and personally. well since to this day i haven't had any help from them i feel like moving to a totally new state away from everyone.

Ms. - posted on 06/26/2012

WOW! If I were you and got treated like that I would forgive them but I would also keep my distance, you have to do what makes you & your daughter happy...as far as the exwife if she becomes a problem get a restrainig order.

Kristi - posted on 06/19/2012

I understand the need for help when child is chronicly ill. I'm sure you are grateful that your mom could help out at that time. You need to step outside yourself for a minute and reread your own words. Then ask yourself, what would I tell my best friend to do or what if this were you daughter being treated this way by her in-laws. Would you stand for this? Would you tell either one of them to place themselves back in a position that is just going to make their lives harder than it already it is? I have tried and tried to find a way to change various people's feelings about me, people I just knew I couldn't survive without. I learned the hard way, that it is a waste of time and energy and it can destroy a person on the inside. Moreover, I learned I can and I have survived. I'm making a better life for my daughter and myself and as tremendously hard as it was, I had to let go of the person causing me so much pain. It still hurts sometimes but not anything like it did when I was being psychological and emotional abused like you are now. Please look into some of the suggestions Cherish and I offered and try to really sit down and make a list of things you can change and things you cannot. Try to be logical and objective, like I said, as if you were giving advice to a friend and start from there. Don't be overwhelmed by your list, Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will your new life be. Take one step at a time and give yourself credit each time you achieve something, no matter how big or how small. When you get distracted or have a set back, don't judge yourself. Everybody has a bad day or isn't able to do it all right all the time. Give yourself permission to be angry or sad or however you're feeling but the next day it's time to try again. With each acomplishment comes more empowerment, with each set back, a lesson learned. You can do this.

User - posted on 06/19/2012

Thank you Kristi and Cherish.

I did live in Government housing before; my mom talked me iinto moving back so she could help me with my daughter when she was about six months old and i waas missing alot of work when shed get ill from daycare and i couldn't continue on without someone here to watch her. she said she had plenty of rooms in her 6bdroom house and we could come stay, shed fix a nursery and so on and we could do this and that....well the weekend i got there, my brother and sister had a fit because they didnt want to hear a baby in the middle of the night and i was going ot have to split the bills with them to stay there. i had no job and was fine with that once i got on my feet. she was then changing her mind as i sit with a truck full of my belongings in her drive.i called around and found government housing about thirty miles away thats as close asi found who could move me in that weekend. i didnt want to stay where i wasn't wanted and theysay that about my little one. til this day she says i didnt want to live with their rules thats why i didnt move in. it was in my eyes they made the choice and convinced my mother. so my old church friends helped me move in and i was stuck down there with no phone or tv for about four months until my ex came in the picture after not seeing him since our divorce and only seeing our baby a few times. thats when we moved back out here, reconcilled and i signed off the past due amount of child support. i have a hard time trusting and all i want is to be accepted and loved but most importantly raise my daughter differently than i was raised. it hurts so much my dad didn't acknowledge we were there all week this past week when we were there. my brother and sister even went down there nearly every night and spent all day during sat and sun down there with him where he lives about ten minutes away. its like they were making their point to not see us.
im torn, idont know what to do. i have recently contacted some women at a church i attended and my little one went to mothers day out at. they are on the search for rental properties that a member there has and offered to enroll my little one for no charge for the fall school year as well as help me move when i needed it. they are women may age with little girls my toddlers age and would be a great group or support system i need as sometmes we dont leave the house for a week at a time and its just me and my two year old. i do have a church back where my mom lives but all of those who love me and my daughter aren't close to my family because of how they treated me. thats another thing my mom blames me for she said because of me she doesnt' talk to those ppl anymore because of her poor pittiful daughter had to tell everyone what a monster she was!!! she has really sincerely apologized or cried with me or to me for my pain that she has caused me though i have to her. i think her motive for us to move there is to see my daughter whenever she wants because my brother and sister ignore her all the time and she has no one to love on or do things with.

Kristi - posted on 06/19/2012

Renee,

Your story breaks my heart. No child should have to suffer at the hands of her parents this way. But I know it happens all to often. You sure do have a lot on your plate. Do you have any close friends you can rely on and trust that can give you some support? I think there is a manual on how to live up to your fullest potential as a "Deadbeat Dad & Master Manipulator." So many women, myself included, have been tricked into signing off on their back due child support, it's maddening. I understand what you are going through regarding the custody issue. My ex only wanted my daughter when it would make him look good or when he was trying to upset me. Only we started with joint custody so it was much harder for me to take sole custody after that. If you are happy and settled where you are don't let two a-holes ruin that for you and your little girl. Look for an attorney in the phone book or on the web that offers free consultations. Before you go in or talk to them on the phone, write down all your questions so you don't forget anything, it's easy to do when you're stressed out, been there. If you already have full legal and physical custody of her and he has been convicted of a violent felony I don't see any judge in his right mind taking a child out of her primary environment to split it between her mother who she has been with since day one and a violent, absentee father. But if you are truly in fear for your safety, it might be best to move. Some colleges have dorms set aside for single mothers, you could look into that.

Instead of moving near your family, could you move a couple of towns away so you could still go to school and get the financial aid, etc.? I'm sure you could apply for low income housing in a new town, as well. IMO, you would be miserable and it would be very unhealthy for you to move with your family. Based on what you've said here, I wonder what their motivation for asking you to go back there really is, since they treated both of you so poorly when you visited. Nobody needs that kind of abuse. I would beg to differ that you need their love and approval, you've been going along without it for quite some time. I would say you want their love and approval, and that is totally natural, every kid, no matter what age, wants that from their parents. Of course it hurts when we don't get it. IMO, sometimes we're better off severing off the relationships, as difficult as it would be, that bring us nothing but pain and suffering so that we can heal and move on.

I don't know if that helped any or not but I'll be praying for you and your daughter. Hang in there, believe in yourself, focus on the things you can change, not the things you can't.

Kristi - posted on 06/19/2012

Renee,

Your story breaks my heart. No child should have to suffer at the hands of her parents this way. But I know it happens all to often. You sure do have a lot on your plate. Do you have any close friends you can rely on and trust that can give you some support? I think there is a manual on how to live up to your fullest potential as a "Deadbeat Dad & Master Manipulator." So many women, myself included, have been tricked into signing off on their back due child support, it's maddening. I understand what you are going through regarding the custody issue. My ex only wanted my daughter when it would make him look good or when he was trying to upset me. Only we started with joint custody so it was much harder for me to take sole custody after that. If you are happy and settled where you are don't let two a-holes ruin that for you and your little girl. Look for an attorney in the phone book or on the web that offers free consultations. Before you go in or talk to them on the phone, write down all your questions so you don't forget anything, it's easy to do when you're stressed out, been there. If you already have full legal and physical custody of her and he has been convicted of a violent felony I don't see any judge in his right mind taking a child out of her primary environment to split it between her mother who she has been with since day one and a violent, absentee father. But if you are truly in fear for your safety, it might be best to move. Some colleges have dorms set aside for single mothers, you could look into that.

Instead of moving near your family, could you move a couple of towns away so you could still go to school and get the financial aid, etc.? I'm sure you could apply for low income housing in a new town, as well. IMO, you would be miserable and it would be very unhealthy for you to move with your family. Based on what you've said here, I wonder what their motivation for asking you to go back there really is, since they treated both of you so poorly when you visited. Nobody needs that kind of abuse. I would beg to differ that you need their love and approval, you've been going along without it for quite some time. I would say you want their love and approval, and that is totally natural, every kid, no matter what age, wants that from their parents. Of course it hurts when we don't get it. IMO, sometimes we're better off severing off the relationships, as difficult as it would be, that bring us nothing but pain and suffering so that we can heal and move on.

I don't know if that helped any or not but I'll be praying for you and your daughter. Hang in there, believe in yourself, focus on the things you can change, not the things you can't.

Cherish - posted on 06/18/2012

I think you should get away from all of them,can you move somewhere else..away from your family and your ex?

Where do you live?Have you called a crisis center or a hotline?
You can call united way(in colo just dial 411,but I do not know about other states)