daddy issues

Kristin - posted on 06/09/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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my son is 5 now, I got divorced last year. his father before the divorce had the parenting skills of a common house plant ( more or less hands off and just there for looks, no real purpose). Now that we are no longer together my son still wants to see him though his father will make plans to see him and get him excited then cancel at the last minute to go party or out with his new gf. the problem i'm facing is it is hurting my sons feelings and he is starting to say his dad doesn't love him. i'm sure well i hope my x does but i don't know what to say to my son the line of something came up isn't working anymore and his father refuses to talk to him about y he cant come. his father and i also have a two yr old son who he pays no attention to at all. what can i do so my boys don't have daddy issues??

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Nada - posted on 06/17/2012

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Don't lie, and don't make up excuses for your EX.
The bearer of bad news is always resented.

When my son asks me anything I just say "ask your dad - I don't know".

And in the meantime, keep them busy and occupied and lots of fun stuff to do :)

Its not easy, and its not a nice situation to be in!
Hang in there, kids know more and understand more than we give them credit for...

Erin - posted on 06/12/2012

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Numer one you should not be allowing the dad to only take one of the kids and desert the other, that's wrong and that child may end up thinking no one cares about him. Second, make schedualed visitation times, be clear what dates and times, if he doesn't show he gets no make up. He may not take only one of the children he must take both or niether. If he doesn't show up without legitimate notice several times ( not necesarily consecutive) it's time to end visits. Dad has to learn he is a grown up now and doesn't get to dump the kids for sex and beer anymore. Stay firm set to your rules. Kids don't function well with half-way dads, they do much better with no dad at all from what I've seen from family and friends. No child should have to tolerate the heart break and disappointment of a dad who only takes their borther or sister and not them, or who cancels on them. I also suggest against some advice from others that older children be actually told the reason the parent is not there ( depending on the age of the child), I elieve children need to know the truth about bad parents, so they can grow up knowing that they never want to be like that man. In addition being to secret and hidding the truth from older kids will eventually lead to them thinking it's your fault not realizing dad is actually the crap parent. But that choice is up to you in the future.

Faye - posted on 06/11/2012

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My SIL used the same tactic, not informing the boys when dad was to have been there, yet when he did not show, the boys did not know any different. Once my brother can into their lives, all their dad heard from them was "mom's friend so-and-so took us to the zoo" or "mom's friend so-and-so came over last night and played Candy Land with us." It did not take long before he realized that my brother was having fun times with his boys. Brother and SIL met in the fall and were married within six months. By nine months to one year after my brother entered their lives, the boy's dad was back in their lives and keeping his visititons. Keep being consistent and they will see which of you is always there and which one is not.

Andriana - posted on 06/11/2012

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I have been in a similar situation, when I got divorced 5 ears ago. First you shouldn't be the one telling your son if dad will show or not. If his dad calls, make it a point to have your son answer the phone. And if he changes plan, his dad should talk to him and tell him, not you. When you have to explain to your son that dad isn't coming, your son will blame you, not him. If dad has to explain, then your son will take it out on his father. Also by putting the responsibility on his father, then possibly he will even feel bad about it and stop doing it. You can't force a relationship between them, your ex is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his actions. Just be a strong mom for your sons, and let them know they can depend on you. 5 years later at age 8, my son knows that mom is always there, and dad will come when he can and if he can't, it's no big deal.

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When my ex saw the girls, I stopped informing them on visits until the morning when I knew it wasn't been cancelled, changed etc.. Dealing with the melt down wasn't easy when he didn't show.

Reinforce to your ex that if he does inform your son(s) that he's coming then he has to come at the allocated slot OR he has to inform the boys that he isn't coming - give him the choice. Also if appropriate, seek legal advice. Make sure that you keep records of when he's informed the children, then if he has visited or cancelled (with the reason).

When he does decide to cancel, let them know - say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry Dad can't come today because something's come up.' something suitably vague, then go do something else.

As for ignoring the two year old, remind your ex, nicely about him. In conversation mention what both boys have done etc..

Kristin - posted on 06/10/2012

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That's the thing I don't tell my son that he's going to see his father his father calls or tells him durring his court appointed time. I have told his father to stop telling him and just surprise him, for some reason he does care that it bothers my 5 yr old

Michelle - posted on 06/09/2012

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Make your ex talk to your son and tell him that he can't come stop letting him make you the bearer of bad news. Also I just wouldn't tell him that dad is coming continue with life as normal and if dad shows up great it is a nice surprise for your son if he doesn't your son isn't disappointed. Just be the best mom you can be tell him daddy loves you he just doesn't know how to show it. Then go spend some time having fun at the park or making a craft or anything else that is fun that he might like.

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