Dads that don't care

Sandra - posted on 12/11/2012

Parents that choose to walk away from their children are lost. What makes us all unique in our human spirit, is our ability to make rational decisions based on a number of things, like morals, values, our upbringing, our current situation, but sometimes people simply get lost in "their stuff". It is important to not let your frustration and feelings of resentment transfer over to your child. As the supporting parent we will always take the high road and say something like... "even mommies and daddies make wrong decisions sometimes, and even though your daddy has made a different choice, right now he just can't see what he is missing, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you in his own way". I wrote a book for my daughter to explain why her Dad is not in her life, and it was written from the truest part of my heart. Her father has mental health issues, and he truly is lost in his own stuff. I cannot say he doesn't love her, because I don't live in his head. Certainly his lack of contact might lead one too think he doesn't, but that is not my concern, because whether he loves her in his own small way, he is non-existent in her life. Our book is called Above The Trees - and it is about a giraffe who's daddy gets lost in the jungle and never returns. The story demonstrates a childs longing for a "sense of family" and wanting what she percieves others have. Her mother reassures her through out her lifetime that she will always be loved and protected and that their family is perfect for them even if they are only two. When the giraffe is tall enough to see above the trees she realizes that there has always been different kinds of families, some with two mommmies, two daddies, one mom or one dad, grand ma's, aunts and sisters and even grand dads, and each jungle family looked as right as right could be, why there even was a small giraffe foster family. When the giraffe is full grown she reconfirms for her mother that she finally got it...and she knew all along that they were the perfect family. I wrote this because I did not want my daughter for one minute to think that her father didn't love her at all, even though it looks that way. This story has changed a lot for our family and it makes me have hope for all the single moms that read it...and truly get it. The fact we have the beautiful gift from god, living and breathing...our child...it was and is perhaps the way it was always meant to be. So thank you to the bio dad for the gift, wish the reality was different in terms of how my daughter felt when he left, but you know. We are OKAY and it is through daily support of family and friends, that I am reaffirmed that love grows everywhere and it must be a sad place where someone makes the choice to just abandon their child. You can read our story at www.abovethetrees.ca

you just never know where life is going to take you. I hope everything has worked out in your situation.

Merry Christmas & Love & Light

Sandra

Johny - posted on 12/10/2012

We know of a beautiful young lady, That is so afraid of being along, They had sex 1 time and it happened. She will not leave the unborn babies daddy, He wouldn't even give gas money to her to get to work or doctors visits, HE TOLD HER TO TAKE A BUS. What can we tell her, She had only know him for 2 months, and she lives with a girl friend and looking for work. And he lives with his mother, She is 23 and he is 31. What is the best thing to do but help her, But we don't want to make it any easier for him. We need to open up her eyes? They are not at all in love with each-other. she does not know what to do . What else can we do but to support her.

Samantha - posted on 07/04/2012

Ahh sweetie i am only telling the truth and what mum doesnt get things wrong ever now and again trust me i do it all the time. What makes the mums on here great is ghat we all try to do what is best for our kids. I like chatting to you so don't hold back and chat away. Can i ask were ur from? Men just need to think like we fo and stop buttong themselves first of mesding us around because we dont want anything to do with them. Xxxx

Kristi - posted on 07/04/2012

You are way tooo nice Samantha! Yes, we have been through a lot, but much of it needlessly, I feel. I made too many bad choices and I let my emotions lead the way instead of my brains. However, there is a valid reason for that but I'm going to reserve it until it is relevant. I have definitely learned a great deal. And I'm a talker! lol So, I get carried away on here sometimes, more often, than not. (whaddya goin do?) But, if my advice or my opinion helps or comforts another mom in anyway, well then, at least something good came out of it. You ladies in this thread have been particularly awesome! Thank you so much for your kind words, Samantha, they really mean a lot.

Samantha - posted on 07/04/2012

Kristi you gave been through alot with ur daughter and im glad that u have now got it sorted. You are a great role model fir ur daight and for help all us other mummy s xxx

Kristi - posted on 07/03/2012

Sweetgirl--That is the only way I got rid of my ex-husband. Even after he got caught lying in court several times, after my daughter testified against him and all the abuse that was shown, he still got 51/49 visitation, but he was ordered to pay $530/mo in support. When he asked to give up his rights, I jumped all over it. The judge said no, he can't give up his rights just because he doesn't want to pay child support. Finally, after him not showing up for any visits (thank you, Jesus!) and not paying 2 cents of his support, my attorney agreed to draw up an amendment saying that my ex had fallen on hard times (which he had not) and that I agreed to lower his support to the mandatory minimum $50/mo, in turn he agreed that my daughter and I could move out of state. Oh, I also had to sign off on the $5,000+ that he was behind, too. But, my daughter is happy, really and truly happy for the first time since she was about 7. She will be 13 Sept 1. He doesn't even pay the $50 now, but I don't care, he will never bother us again. It was/is totally worth it. (and we are dirt poor) My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Samantha - posted on 07/03/2012

You could try that and see what he thinks. If he agreees get it in writing so that its legal. I hope this works for u. Ur a great mum xx

Sweetgirlsmama - posted on 07/03/2012

What does everyone think about making the offer for him to not pay anymore child support, alimony, insurance and out of pocket medical in exchange for me to have sole custody and him no visitation. He really just wants his money anyway.

Samantha - posted on 07/03/2012

That law seems so unjust all mums want to do is protect their children from getting their wee hearts broken. Can u not take him to court were they put in place visitation right were he has to turn up at a visition centre (which he wont) then he dosent get to see your child. I dont know if this helps but know we r here for u xxx

Sweetgirlsmama - posted on 07/03/2012

The biggest problem I am fighting is the fathers rights law in Louisiana. All of the deadbeats got together and decided they were getting screwed in divorces so they rallied at the capital (while all the moms were taking care of the kids) and got this 50/50 law passed. So ultimately no matter how much of a deadbeat they are they get half custody of the child so they can get their child support reduced. How the heck do you fight such an insane law?

Renee - posted on 07/02/2012

I'm so happy Moms are speaking out about this. What I do with my ex, so he did not have power over my emotions is to simply not engage. He doesn't give two poops about our daughter. His e-mails are sometimes 2 pages long, talking about who else but himself and then the last sentence will be, tell Kaylee I love and miss her sooo much. I've come to realize how much the word "love" is an action word. People throw it around so willy nilly. My response to his emails are like, "Ok" and then send. He got the picture that I simply don't care to solve his problems or have a verbal battle, not worth the aggravation.

There are good guys out there. I haven't experienced it yet, ha! but I know they are there :-)

Kristi - posted on 07/02/2012

I agree, very grateful for women like you and the some of the other moms on here! : )

Samantha - posted on 07/01/2012

Kristi yoU are very helpful and a kind caring person. It is great that we ( the mums ) on here have each others support and know what each other is going through and that there is someone there to listen to us. Xxxx

Samantha - posted on 07/01/2012

Kristi yoU are very helpful and a kind caring person. It is great that we ( the mums ) on here have each others support and know what each other is going through and that there is someone there to listen to us. Xxxx

Kristi - posted on 07/01/2012

Samatha--thank you for your kind words and I'm glad you have been successful keeping your daughter's environment stable and secure so she is confident and knows who loves her and who she she can count on.

Sweetgirl--Unfortunately, you do need a new or amended order. I'm sure you know, it is a time consuming, emotionally & financially draining process. Unless you can get him to agree to something outside of court. But, your baby daddy sounds like my ex was and his joy came from making me suffer. I finally got mine to go away by signing off on his back due support and agreeing to the mandated legal minimum of $50/mo support, which he doesn't pay and since the accumulated amount is not very much child support enforcement doesn't bother with him. I would start documenting everything...the good and the bad, send any texts to your email, save voicemails, write down when/if he shows up for visits, you don't have to be flexible for him, especially considering your daughter's needs. Write down when he calls and the general content. It will give you a stronger case in court, at least more credibility. I know it is a lot of work but it is one of those things we just have to do. The alternative is undesirable. One way or another you'll have to do this, it's better to get it over with if you can, you'll save yourself years more of suffering at his hands, not to mention sparing your daughter the confusion and pain that our (the moms on here) children have suffered. But this is easy for me to say because I've finally put mine behind us. You have to do this at your own pace. You can't do it alone. I had my mom and my 2nd ex-husband (lol, we're still friends) and my best friend for support. When I had a rough day, they were there to let me vent, cry, curse and threaten things I could go to jail for, they didn't judge me or tell me to calm down or "you can't let him get to you like that." They listened, wiped my tears, gave me hugs reminded me who I was doing this for. You will know when the time is right for you. I know we (moms here) will always be here to support you. Good luck to you.

Samantha - posted on 07/01/2012

That is so true michelle but its never enough tp look after the kids. Men have it too easy xx

Samantha - posted on 07/01/2012

If there is a court order sweetgirlsmama then you
Need to take him back to court the first time he doesnt show up no matter what the reason he has. Or tell ur solicitor. If he messes around they will stop visitations cxx

Michelle - posted on 07/01/2012

If there is a court order for him to pay child support then he is legally obligated to do so. Every state has an agency that handles it. The only way around a court order is with a new court order

Sweetgirlsmama - posted on 07/01/2012

I would love to stop it on my own but how do you get past a court order? I have to figure out ways to hit him where it hurts, his wallet.

Samantha - posted on 07/01/2012

Kristi im sorry you and ur daughtet went through some of the most horrible things that i can think
Of. Im sure ur daughter know what a great loving mum u r and that you would do anything to keep her safe. I thank you for the advice. I have stopped my daughter seeing her sperm donor about 6 yrs ago but he still would send message to say ge wants into her life but i wont let him. Since daughtet who is 9 he has had two other kids and walked out on them too. Im here if u ever meed to chat xxx

Kristi - posted on 07/01/2012

Ladies, take from an old timer, don't let them come in and out and screw with your heads. If they don't want to be daddy, beg, lie, cheat and steal if you have to but get a lawyer and get him on his way. I did the same thing with my ex-husband. Only I blew the early chance of getting the hell out of dodge when I had it and things went bad and my daughter will suffer for it always.

I thought I was doing right by her to let him come around when he could, after the protection order was lifted. (it was in place for a year and nothing happened so I said ok) We didn't have a custody agreement in our divorce decree yet because he knew he could still paralyze me with fear by fighting for full custody and I sure as hell wasn't turning her over. (he didn't really want her, he just wanted to screw with me because I took his daughters and our daughter and left him without warning) So I thought things were peaceful, Grace seemed happy so this will be alright. 5 years of psychological abuse by him and 2 different sets of step sons tried to sexually abuse her. (he's on his 3rd marriage after me since we left 9 years ago), before I know what's going on. Long court hearings, my daughter testified, he got caught in multiple lies and because the state of NE is so f-ing stupid (pardon me) he still got 51/49 visitation time. That means she was with me 51% of the time and with him 49% of the time. Which thankfully he never took. He hadn't seen her in over a year, since I found out what was going on, I refused to let her go back. I was awarded sole custody and $530/mo support. He didn't want to pay the support so he tried to give up hiis rights, I said fine, the judge said no. So my attorney drew up an "amendment" to the custody order the judge handed down asking for permission for Grace & I to move to WA to be with family, better education, etc (all true) and that lied and said Buttface had fallen on hard times so we agreed to $50/mo in support, which is by law the lowest amount that can be ordered. Finally the judge said yes. Needless to say, I have not see one red cent but it is so worth not having to go through the emotional torture on both of us to be away from him & his pyschotic followers. But my daughter will always be without a father, she will always be stuck with the traumatic memories of her young childhood and she will always know that, in the end he sold her out for money.

Now, I'm not saying all of your baby daddies will be/are like my ex-husband, but my daughter still says, every once in a great while, why wasn't I good enough for him? Why did he choose those other kids over me? When she was younger and I was letting him do the pop-in thing, she'd get all excited and wait....and wait....and wait....and then she'd cry. Sometimes she acted like she didn't care if he was going to show up or not but I could still see the hurt and disappointment in her face when he didn't. Before she knew better, and she would ask me where he was or why he didn't come over, etc. I would tell her that I'm sure he did his very best to get here and I know he loves you but sometimes mommies and daddies have bad days and they just can't seem to get things right. Then I would tell her how wonderful and special she was/is and take her off to do something fun. It's not easy. Even now, she can't stand her father, but I know deep down she is torn because what little girl doesn't want a daddy? In any event, in case your still not sure what my advice is (lol) get in the driver's seat, take control and NEVER let it go. Especially since they are young, you can save them and yourself all the insecurities and drama of never knowing when, where and if he'll show up. Our kids deserve better than half assed sperm donors. I will keep you all in my thoughts and I wish you and children all the very best! (Sorry this was so long, I cut out A TON but it still seems so long!) Take good care and remember to buckle up when you start driving, you won't believe how much power this baby has! ; )

Samantha - posted on 06/29/2012

Anytime sweetie xx

Sweetgirlsmama - posted on 06/29/2012

Thanks Samantha!

Samantha - posted on 06/29/2012

Melinda it might be an idea to waIt until she is a bit older and she can understand abit. Its so hard to know what to do for the best. My daughter doesnt ask after her dad any more. I told her he moved away when he moved country. I also told her he loved her in his owe way. But dont belive that any more. I dont know if this helps but im here if you ever want to chat xxxx your a great mum xx

Samantha - posted on 06/29/2012

Im sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. Show him that he doesnt annoy you. I know this can be very hard but i wouldnt let him know that hes getting to you. You know your better than him and you are not as childish as him. My daughters dad pays 3.36 a month what the hell is that going to do for a child. You will be a great mum and you dont need him. Im sorry to say he will go away soon xxxx always here if u need to chat x

Sweetgirlsmama - posted on 06/29/2012

My situation is fairly new (he left in november). My baby was 4 pounds and only 2 weeks out of the NICU. Right now he is in the stage of having fun torturing me and pretending like he wants visitation. I cant wait for the stage where he dissapears. Maybe then we can have a peaceful life. My baby is severly special needs and my plate is full enough. I completely understand hating to deal with him, i feel the same way. I just dont understand why if he dont care, why dont he just take his child support money (not that he pays it consistently anyway) and go away!

Melinda - posted on 06/27/2012

Hey All! But my question is, What. do you say to your child, when she's already 4, and thinks her father is dead because she never saw him, and probably never will for all he cares. How do you explain this to her? Sometimes I want to say to her, stop dreaming, you will probably never meet him. Sometimes I want to say to her, he's an asshole, he suddenly stopped wanting kids when I told him I was pregnant. But I feel her pain, she misses the idea of having a father.. how do I handle this?

Samantha - posted on 09/15/2011

You are right. It's not worth worrying about any more. He can sort something out himself if he wants to see her I have tried. My partner has been raising her for 5 yrs and loves her with all his heart. She has a settle life and that's the best thing for her. I suppose I'm worried because it's her birthday on Sunday and he always try's to annoy me on it. Thanks again for your kind words and encouragement

Jamie - posted on 09/14/2011

I say don't fight with him. I do not go out of my way to talk to her dad. I got her her own cell phone so she can call and text him whenever she wants. He actually texted me the other day and asked why she never texts him and I just responded with...it works both ways. You have her #. LOL..It makes no sense to me. Why does he feel like SHE should be the one getting in contact with him when he is supposed to be the responsible adult. We don't even talk about him unless she asks about him. I don't lie to her about anything, but I don't speak negatively about him to her because she has already begun to form her own opinions and when she gets older and wants nothing to do with him at all, he is going to have no one but himself to blame. Your having someone else in your life should make no difference on his relationship with his child. If your partner treats you and your children well then there is nothing he can do or say and he needs to just get over it. I would not stress it, either he will come around or your kids are better off. But ultimately your kids are going to know that you have no control over their fathers actions and they will form their own opinions

Samantha - posted on 09/14/2011

Thank you are your kind words. It's a shame that men treat their children this way. They need to grow up a bit. I'm glad your daughter is settled now. My daughter is settled and doesn't want yo see him any way. I just don't want to fight with him for the next 9 yrs. Xx

Jamie - posted on 09/14/2011

I have the same problem with my daughters father. We actually just relocated to Florida from NY and he didn't even attempt to fight me on it. He and I split when she was a baby and he has seldom been around since then and the thing is, for 9 years he lived right around the block, literally. I was dating my ex who is not her father for 7 years after him and he had a huge part in raising her and after he and I split he still took her twice sometimes 3 times a week. He went to pta meetings, parent teacher conferences and now that we are living in Florida they video chat almost every day. He is pretty much her father in every way and I am grateful to him for that. I say if her really father does not want the honor of knowing his own child then that is his loss and my daughter so far seems pretty good with the way things are now. :)

Samantha - posted on 09/12/2011

Thanks for the kind words. It's her birthday on Sunday and I know he will try to see her. But I don't want her birthday ruined by him appearing drunk or smelling if drink which he has done before. I suppose I just worry too much but I know what he is like and don't want her to go through what I did since I have met him. Your words have given me something to think about. Thank you x

JuLeah - posted on 09/11/2011

Not all dads ... just saying. Some are amazing - like maybe your partner will be, who I assume is a man.



It is heartbreaking - they lose out, the kids lose out



I think, if you prep her, it will be better. I doubt you can deny visits all together, but you can supervise and prep her, as I said before



Explain his coming and going is about him; nothing to do with her. She is a great kid, wonderful daughter.



Some people are so frightened of the big feelings that come with loving someone as much as a parent loves a child. They can't deal and they run.



She can learn big lessons about believing a persons actions, not their words. When words and actions don't line up, listen to the actions.



What a person has done is a good indicator of what they will do, another good lesson she can learn



She can learn that she can be happy and okay, even if he is messing up



Maybe she can learn to have compassion for him - he is frightened and weak, so compassion is called for given that she is stronger and brave



It is a tough place to be - good luck