dating again

Evelyn - posted on 06/27/2009

Oh and another point...you wrote..... "i also think that any man i date has to understand that she is my life, and if he wants to be a part of my life, he has to take her as part of the package"

That is exactly why I don't allow access to her until I feel as though they will be a positive and healthy part of her life. Any guy worth his salt will understand that.

Evelyn - posted on 06/27/2009

Quoting Candice:

i find it funny reading evelyn's post. i respect her opinion but mine is slightly different.
first though, online dating can be HARD. you have to weed through the crazies to try to find the decent guys, but they are out there. i tried it again after a friend met her amazing man on the internet and i found a decent guy myself. my advice is this:
keep your son as your first priority when choosing a mate...find someone who will ADD to your life with him, not make it more difficult or complicated or stressful. choose carefully - their character, their future, their ability to be responsible.

Second: the part i disagree on is the exposure to your son. in my PERSONAL OPINION (no offence to anyone else's opinion here)

Evelyn says "Another rule of mine, I NEVER introduce my daughter to the men I'm dating. I do tell them I have a daughter, but I really don't elaborate. There are a lot of men who are "wolves in sheep's clothing", they talk a good talk and they walk a good walk but they have ulterior motives. I am fiercely protective of my child and if they don't like that they can keep it moving. If after a few months of actively dating, I still feel comfortable with them and have observed them in multiple settings, I may have a day in the park or something like that with my daughter. Most importantly I don't want to confuse her by seeing mommy with different men "friends". "

this is the part i don't do myself. i don't date often (this is my first man since her father and i split) but i have A LOT of male friends and i believe my daughter needs all the men in her life she can get that love her. i DO NOT, however, leave her with ANY MAN unsupervised (for more than a few seconds). i also think that any man i date has to understand that she is my life, and if he wants to be a part of my life, he has to take her as part of the package. he has to be willing to invite her to outings and not just expect to be alone with me all the time. besides, a man can be great, but if he's not great when he's around your child, he's not the right man, and how can you ever know that unless your child meets him. a friend of mine restricted visits with her kids and boyfriend for almost a year, then found out (when they finally spent time together) that he was controlling and harsh with the kids. she wasted a year with him.

Candice,

I totally see your point, and I also respect our difference of opinion. I do have a lot of male friends that I have known for years, as well as brother, brother in law, grandpa, etc..etc...who are around my daughter all the time, so do I sheild her from men? No lol. She has GREAT role models and men who love her very much, but when I say "friends" in quotes, I mean men who I just started dating. I get that we disagree, but I am VERY  protective of my child. I know there are lots of great guys out there but there are just as many pigs. I personally have to get to know them through and through (as much as you can by dating anyway) before I expose my child to them. I don't want to take my child on outings or dates and get her attached to someone that I have not fully vetted and could possibly end up breaking things off with. I don't care about wasting a few months...especially if it saves my daughter from disappointment. Children can tell the difference between men friends and boyfriends...and my child is at an age where she is asking about daddy (as I stated before) and I will not send her on an emotional roller coaster by parading different "possibilities" in and out of her life. There is also no guarantee that when I do eventually introduce her to someone in my life that he will stick around either, but everytime I date someone new I will NOT have her in the equation until I am comfortable with that. I make my boundaries very clear in the beginning of any new relationship and have always been given a lot of respect for that. I have guys tell me about women who ask them to babysit after a week of dating, or kids that get so attached and when they break up it's harder to leave the kids than the mom, and sorry, I'm just not that type.

Candice - posted on 06/27/2009

i find it funny reading evelyn's post. i respect her opinion but mine is slightly different.

first though, online dating can be HARD. you have to weed through the crazies to try to find the decent guys, but they are out there. i tried it again after a friend met her amazing man on the internet and i found a decent guy myself. my advice is this:

keep your son as your first priority when choosing a mate...find someone who will ADD to your life with him, not make it more difficult or complicated or stressful. choose carefully - their character, their future, their ability to be responsible.



Second: the part i disagree on is the exposure to your son. in my PERSONAL OPINION (no offence to anyone else's opinion here)



Evelyn says "Another rule of mine, I NEVER introduce my daughter to the men I'm dating. I do tell them I have a daughter, but I really don't elaborate. There are a lot of men who are "wolves in sheep's clothing", they talk a good talk and they walk a good walk but they have ulterior motives. I am fiercely protective of my child and if they don't like that they can keep it moving. If after a few months of actively dating, I still feel comfortable with them and have observed them in multiple settings, I may have a day in the park or something like that with my daughter. Most importantly I don't want to confuse her by seeing mommy with different men "friends". "



this is the part i don't do myself. i don't date often (this is my first man since her father and i split) but i have A LOT of male friends and i believe my daughter needs all the men in her life she can get that love her. i DO NOT, however, leave her with ANY MAN unsupervised (for more than a few seconds). i also think that any man i date has to understand that she is my life, and if he wants to be a part of my life, he has to take her as part of the package. he has to be willing to invite her to outings and not just expect to be alone with me all the time. besides, a man can be great, but if he's not great when he's around your child, he's not the right man, and how can you ever know that unless your child meets him. a friend of mine restricted visits with her kids and boyfriend for almost a year, then found out (when they finally spent time together) that he was controlling and harsh with the kids. she wasted a year with him.

Evelyn - posted on 06/26/2009

I've dated a couple of guys I met online, but only after months of chatting, then talking on a cell phone (only cell because they cannot trace ur address that way) and then meeting somewhere very public so I could gauge their true personality and see if I thought they were safe. It can def be sketchy...and while I don't recommend it, sometimes that is the easiest way for us single moms to meet anyone. I've had a couple great boyfriends (I have commitment issues lol..that's why they didn't last) that I met online that I'm still friends with now. Another rule of mine, I NEVER introduce my daughter to the men I'm dating. I do tell them I have a daughter, but I really don't elaborate. There are a lot of men who are "wolves in sheep's clothing", they talk a good talk and they walk a good walk but they have ulterior motives. I am fiercely protective of my child and if they don't like that they can keep it moving. If after a few months of actively dating, I still feel comfortable with them and have observed them in multiple settings, I may have a day in the park or something like that with my daughter. Most importantly I don't want to confuse her by seeing mommy with different men "friends". My daughter is at the age where she's asking questions about her dad (who is not or has ever been in her life) and I'm very careful right now. I know it sounds like I've dated tons since she's been born, but it's only been a few and far between lol. I'm actually very happy being a single mom, my life is very uncomplicated and free. I said I have some commitment issues lol, but I think I honestly just love my space and freedom and I get crowded very easily when someone new enters my life. I know I've gone on and on, but I hope I've helped in some way!