deadbeat dads/baby daddy drama/strong moms

Mariel - posted on 11/03/2010

Hi everyone here. Well here I am looking for a kinda of advice. Ill tell you ladies my story. Im 21 years old and Im latina, I have a 3 month old baby, who is my life, and Im raising him by myself. I had a boyfriend who is from the Us( he lives in Indiana), and we had a wonderful relationship which last 7 months. Everything seemed so perfect between us, we thought we knew each other, however things didnt work out. We met through the internet and after hours and hours of talking on msn, phone, video call and sending emails, he came to my country to meet for first time and we fell deeply in love. He looked so perfect and sincere. I though he had everything I always dreamt about in a man, he seemed respectful, smart, loyal, understanding and the main thing not jelaous. Well, after a couple months we kept in touch, like always using emails, letters, card, phone calls, etc; however we started discovering we had some things not in common, but we thought we could go through them. After 4 months of his last visit, he came to see me again, and I was more than happy, he told me we would be getting engaged and after that, we would start planning everything for the big day. As soon as he got to my country, everything was so nice, he came to my house like always, spent time w me and my family and of course we had some time for ourselves. One day we went on a trip to a place close to where i live, and as soon as we get there, he started acting weird, he started showing jelaousy, and started accusing me of flirting with some guys from the place where we stayed at. One night we went to a dancing club, and Idk why i didnt feel in the mood for dancing so i told him so, and he started yelling at me at the club, he said yeah probably you feel ashamed of dancing w me, cause i dont know how to dance and im not from here, but im pretty sure if you have some other guys, you would be more than happy to dance with him and probably fu*k them... So i was like wtf! what are u talking about, i got shocked, cause he never talked like that to me so I got really mad and told him u know what Im getting the f*ck out of here, so i left. He started running behind me, saying please idk what happened to me, and crying. Well I went back to the place where we were staying at, and asked him to explain why he was talking that kind of sh*t to me and he said im sorry honey, i was angry, but that wont happen again so i believed in his words. Next day we decided to go back home, all the way to get there i was thinking about what he said to me that night and couldnt forget about his sh*t cause he said it in front of the whole club. As soon as we get there, we spent some time alone and after all I forgave him for the times he insulted me or treated me kinda bad. Well the day he was about to leave and go back to the Us, we talked about what would happen If i got pregnant cause we had relations and he said dont worry baby everything would be ok and i promise if that ever happen I'll be very happy to have children wit you and I'll be the best dad in the whole world so I was so glad I could trust him. Well as soon as he left I went back home by myself and started thinking in his words, and thought well he promise me he will never leave me and no matter what he will be by my side. After almost 2 months of keepin in touch and talking about our plans of getting married, I found out I was pregnant so I was so happy, and at the same time sad cause I always thought about having children, but at least not so soon. Well I told him about the news and the day when i did it, he said how much time u have, and i said honey 1 month and a few days and he said what, thats not possible cause i wasnt there when it happened and probably you were with some one else, I said you crazy You are the only one Ive been with so dont ever say that. The thing is he started calling me liar and saying i cheated on him. I got so depressed that day and when i got home I didnt know what to do cause i was pretty sure my mom would kill me if she knew about it. At first i didnt have anyone to talk about, cause my one and only best friend was at the University and couldnt talk to her at the moment. I waited for him to call me later and probably say sorry as we always used to say, but nop i didnt do it, I waited 3 days, 7 more days, a week, two weeks and he finally called..To say I wont be responsible for that child and if you ever want a father for that little person look for the d*ck who got u pregnant. You could imagine girls, how bad I felt when he said those words to me. I started yelling at him and tell him how could he be so heartless and say those words to me. He was the only guy i was with, i never cheated on him or ever date someone while he had a long distance relationship. I did my best to have a great relationship. I didnt have friends cause he didnt want me to have, i never went out, i stayed at home all day just for him, he didnt want me to work just for me to stay at home all day talking to him on the computer. He made me got in trouble with my mom many times cause the kind of thoughts he had about life and stuff like that. Its like I forgot about myself, just to think about him. Well after a couple of months since last time he called me, I called him to tell him be responsible for the baby, cause i didnt have a job, was still living w my mom and didnt have any kind of financial support. He denied any kind of help, he said that child is not mine and I dont give a damn about whats going on with you or your baby so I felt really bad, cause everytime he talked to me, he used to use the words wh*re, b*tch, sl*t and many more. He made me cry really hard cause I never had a boyfriend or ever someone who talked to me like that. I used to accept his insulting words before, but when i got pregnant i said I wont accept his sh*t anymore. One day I decided to get rid of all the things I had of him, and just move on in life cause he wasnt worth it. The day when I had to give birth, I had some complications, cause I started thinking about all the bad stuff he called me, and the emails he used to send insulting me and my child and my lilttle boy got wrapped with his own umbilical cord. I was really depressed and my doctor told me the situation was getting complicating more and more bc of the way I was feeling was affecting my baby. I dont know why that day I called that asshole and told him what was happening w my child, even though he was never there for me during my whole pregnancy and of course that son of b*tch told me to go to hell with my son. I cried really bad, and after that I told myself you know what girl, forget about that man cause if he was never for you before, he will never be for my child in life. Why am I gonna waste my time with someone who calls me names and treat me so bad, when I got better things in life to be worried about so after that I told the doctor i was ready for the c section. A few hours later, next thing I know I had a cute lilttle guy in my arms crying and trying to open his eyes. At the moment my eyes got wet and started crying cause guess what, my little boy looked exactly like my ex. As soon as I started breastfeedding, I started laughing cause he said hundred of times, that baby isnt not mine, look for the real dad and here you have my son look like his twin. When I left the clinic, and got home got depressed cause even though i knew he didnt want to be in the picture, i still had the hope that he would feel curious to know the baby or smthg like that, but no that never happened. Today my baby is three months old and his dad keeps living the crazy life, parytying( thats what i see on his fb profile pic. ) and he doesnt give a damn about our child. I cant deny I still love him, but is it worth it to have a man who never wanted to be involved in your childs life? No. Hes just one more piece of sh*t, like all those men, who just knows how to make babies and then bye bye and was nice meeting you. Sometimes I feel bad, cause I never had a dad, I dont even know if he is alive and never wanted to repeat the same story, but thats life,it just happens and for a reason. I feel depressed sometimes cause everytime my baby has apt w his pedriatician, there are a lot of women with their partners, and Im just there sitting by myself waiting for them to call me. It hard to face this stage of life being a single mom, but not impossible. Many times I complained about why life wasnt being fair with me, but the answer i got was..God knows why he sends you this kind of tests, he is the only one who knows how to make you stronger, but if you think that you are not strong enough, ask him to give you support and be that par of the big challenge you are facing. Im 21 ys old and I know I still have a long way to go, so regrets or sadness gotta be away from my path, cause what cant kill me, just can me make me stronger. I hope that wherever hes is in the us rite now and whatever hes doing, he enjoys it. Theres a big God up there and he will know the way that guy will pay for his actions. This is not my childs fault to have such an assh*le father, but what can we do :) Ladies, I know my story is kindaaaa lond, and probably boring, but needed to tell you about it cause I felt such a big pressure inside my heart for keeping all this with me without having anyone to tell about it. Thanks for reading my post and hope you girls can give words of encouragment and support. Xoxo and thanks again ;)

Suz - posted on 11/03/2010

That is very helpful advice, and moreso coming from someone who has experienced it all first hand. Thank you very much for this :)

Lauren - posted on 11/01/2010

I totally agree with this. I am trying so hard to get my son's father out of his life to protect my son. I struggle every day. But it is worth it

Jennifer - posted on 10/31/2010

THANKS SO MUCH LADIES MOMMY'S FOR POSTING THIS TOPIC AND EVERYONE'S COMMENTS HERE IS MY STORY, MY NAME IS JENNIFER I AM A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN A DAUGHTER NAME ALEXANDRIA 9 YEARS OLD A SON NAMED CHRIS JUNIOR,3YEARS OLD AND MY BABY GIRL TRINITY 2 YEARS I HAVE BEEN A SINGLE MOTHER FOR OVER 2 YEARS I WENT THROUGH A LOT OF EMOTIONAL HURT MY MOM AND DAD ARE MY BEST FRIENDS THEY BOTH WHERE AT MY SIDE THE WHOLE TIME I WENT THROUGH ALL THE HURT I KICKED THE FATHER OUT WHEN I HAD ENOUGH, THIS PAST DECEMBER 2009 I LOST MY HOME AND MY JOB I HAD TO MOVE BACK HOME WITH MY MOM AND DAD I RECEIVE NO CHILD-SUPPORT FOR MY CHILDREN MY PARENTS PAY FOR EVERTHING FOR KNOW, I JUST FOUND OUT MY 2 YEAR OLD IS AUTISTIC, RECEIVED HER DIAGNOSED ON SEPT 16 2010 SO WE ARE SEEING TONS OF DOCTORS AND THERAPISTS, AND MY FATHER I AM A DADDYS GIRL HE IS MY STEP FATHER HE CAME IN TO MY LITTLE LIFE WHEN I WAS JUST A YEAR OLD HE IS KNOW DYING OF C.O.P.D. I HELP CARE FOR HIM HE MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME I CHERISH EVERY MOMENT WITH HIM, HE ALWAYS TAUGHT ME DEPEND ON YOUR SELF NO ONE ELSE AND HE IS SO RIGHT ABOUT THAT, I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR MY 3 KIDS THEY WILL THANK ME WHEN THEY GET OLDER BECAUSE I NEVER WALKED OUT ON THEIR LIFE'S, THESE ARE WORDS OF WISDOM MY FATHER HAS SPOKE TO ME THANKS FOR LISTING MOMMY'S TAKE CARE JENNIFER

Shatay - posted on 10/31/2010

I'm 23 yrs and the single mother of a wonderful son. His dad is not at all the type of man I thought i would be hooked up with and yet we had a beautiful son together and somewhere along the line between all his lies I in love with. He has no job, no education, and living with a woman who pretty much takes care of him. We have recently broke it off for good because I feel that he uses our son to get back to me, and I don't know why because he treats me really bad, and I have decided that I don't want my son to grow up like this. My son is only 1 and at night when I cry he wipes my tears and the best way he can tells me that it is going to be okay. Alot of people seem to think that I'm pushing his father away because he doesn't want to be with me but that's because they only know half a story. Since this official break off I have been in the house for 3 days now trying to put myself back together again. I love my son with all my heart and I would never do anything to hurt but of me feels doing this will in some way hurt him in the long run just because I'm making the decision to keep his father away. And on the other hand I feel I am much like your mother I know his dad is never going to amount to anything but don't get me wrong he loves his son he's just a bad father. I feel I am strong enough to do this on my own but I can't have his dad in and out knocking me down every chance he gets and reading your story has only made me that much more confident. I never thought I would be just somebody's "baby mama" but now that I am I think I would prefer to do this alone until the right man comes along.

DELLARECE - posted on 10/26/2010

I CAN RELATE TO SOME OF YOU LADIES AND WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH ON THAT SUBJECT OF DEAD BEAT DADS. MY HUSBAND LEFT ME WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS 3MONTHS OLD. HE NEVER LOOKED BACK. MY DAUGHTER IS NOW 19YRS OLD AND HE HASNT BEEN THEE IN HER LIFE ALL THE WHILE, BUT NOW HE WANTS TO BE A FATHER FIGURE. I EXPLAINED TO MY DAUGHTER WHEN SHE WAS OLD ENOUGH WHAT HAD HAPPENED, NOW THAT SHE IS AT THE AGE WHERE SHE KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG, SHE HAS TO MAKE THAT DECISION OF WANTING TO BE WITH HER FATHER, AS RIGHT NOW, SHE STILL HAS THAT RESENTMENT FOR HIM. BUT WHAT IS SO IRONIC, HE GOT INVOLVED WITH OTHER FEMALES WHO HAVE KIDS FOR HIM THAT HE IS PAYING CHILD SUPPORT FOR FROM THE INCEPTION OF THESE KIDS. HE NEVER PAID NO SUPPORT FOR MY DAUGHTER BUT ONE TIME. HIS FAMILY NEVER PROVIDED ANY SUPPORT NEITHER. SO HATS OFF TO THOSE MEN THAT ARE REAL MEN WHO TAKE CARE OF THEIR RESPONSIBILITIES IN PROVIDING FOR THE CHILD/REN. GOOD MEN ARE FEW TO COME BY. ANYONE CAN BE A MAN, BUT IT TAKES A REAL MAN TO BE A FATHER.

Solmarie (NaNi) - posted on 10/26/2010

Thank you. That's very encouraging.

Jennifer - posted on 10/22/2010

I'm very grateful for the responses. i was hoping to be an encouragement to someone. I wanted to add also, Society has had antiquated thoughts about single parents. Having a loving mother and father who are married and stable is the ideal arrangement. But it's not easy to have that and it's actually pretty rare. Society thinks that a kid who has one parents is more likely to drop out, get pregnant, do drugs, rob a bank, become a serial killer, a uni bomber, or just a low life drag on the economy. Not true. Children of parents who fight all the time, who have to hear bigoted remarks, who watch one parent beat on the other, THOSE kids are the ones more likely to stray. Why? Because in my household of 1 stable parent: I have no one to fight and argue with, I have no one dictating where i go, who I'm with or how to prepare a meal, I have no one abusing me or my child, I work my butt off and I am the disciplinarian, I am responsible for my actions and my daughters, and I take it seriously, I don't drink, I don't smoke or do drugs, I don't have the internet at home because I tend to get in the "suck zone" and I know that. I study alot, I take my daughter to see and do cool stuff that sometimes it would be difficult to do with a family, I love and support my daughter in all things and she knows it. She was abused very early on, and remembers it, but I am making her strong, I remind her that not all men are the same and cannot all be judged the same way, I show her how to love and be a good person. When she is grown i will look at her and say "I did that". I made her who she is today. And when she finally confronts her father, she's going to recognize that too... She's been saying lately that she wants to go to college somewhere where she can live at home, she never wants to leave, and I just remind her that, when she's 13 she will not love me the same as she does now, when she's 17 she will say she can't wait to get away from me, and when she's 25 she will again realize how much she loves me, and since I know the time line, she doesn't ever have to feel bad. Why did I go into all of this? Because single mommies who put their kids first ROCK. And it's time to realize that we're not the problem, that statistics are a ridiculous waste of time, and stand up and choose not to be a statistic! --- As a side note I did eventually have a step father and he was great until alcohol got him, then not so much. But my mom has always been my constant, my encouragement, my mentor, my everything, even when things sucked, even when I thought I might not survive, She has an amazing strength about her, and I like to think I got a little of that too. Sorry for rambling on Mommies, I just wanted to share some more. Can you tell i have no friends? LOL

Lesley - posted on 10/22/2010

Hi there

Im a single mum to one thanku ur story is so sweet nice to hear someone with there head screwed on we can only do our best with what life throws at us x

Eugenie - posted on 10/21/2010

Hi Jennifer, your post is such an encouragement to me! So happy you turned out the way you have and grateful that you are sharing your experience with us.

Your words, "If getting the dad out of the picture by your choice or his is best for your child, then allow that. Honestly, no dad is better than a dad you can't count on." could never be more true, and they have hit home. My son's experience with his dad has been such that I constantly wonder if it would have been better if he did not know him. After reading your post I am sure he would be better off not knowing him. He constantly breaks his heart: makes promises to take him places and never show up, promise to buy him toys and never buy any. Every promise he makes - he breaks! ...and I have to watch my son being frustrated, angry and sad!

Glad you did not have to go through that - having a dad you can't count on can be quite devastating!

Sheri - posted on 10/21/2010

Thank you so much! You have really taken a load off of my shoulders.

Jennifer - posted on 10/21/2010

Well said Grace

Grace - posted on 10/21/2010

I would like to say I admire all the brave single moms doing it alone. Kudos to all of us. I support the belief that if a person chooses drugs over children then they haave no business having kids. Those who try to argue the "moral vs immoral" thing to do, I wonder how quick they will be to foot the bill and/or adopt and raise these babies being born w/ psychological, behavioural,emotional and physical challenges. These bloody idiots think that they can get pregnant, keep snorting crack or whatever & then pass on the responsibilities of raising the poor crack babies to the taxpayers. I saw pic of babies born by drug addicts, it's infuriating to think these irresponsible people would still go about living their toxic lives while the poor babies struggle just to survive.

JuLeah - posted on 10/20/2010

Yah, no parent is better then a parent you can not count on .... thank, you just settled a debate I am having with another

Jennifer - posted on 10/20/2010

Hey, I do what i do... I became MOM when the stick turned pink...LOL The woman my ex got pregnant.... she has an 11 year old by her ex hubby a 10 year old by her hubbys brother and 8 year old by her ex hubby, a 7 year old by my ex hubby and just had a set of twins a year ago to another man and has custody of none of them.... mostly cause shes nuts. DFS asked me what I thought they should do and I said take her uterus away from her. If you hurt someone with a gun you're not allowed to have one anymore, if you hurt people with your uterus I think the same rule should apply. Man or woman, if you're gonna have a bunch of kids you're not gonna take care of.... guess what? mandatory sterilization... Thats my thought.

Grace - posted on 10/20/2010

Hi, Jen

My sentiments exactly. Child molesters and predators have no right being out where can they can reoffend. You did the right thing for your situation. I do support the belief that parenting shld be a privelege, not a right and the mother I mentioned is in no way even close to what mother is defined as. She was and still is a trainwreck and shd not have been given the chance to have a child. Have you heard of Project Prevention. I saw a program abt it recently and the lady campaigning for its caused has raised some good points.

I mentioned that some children are better off without their parent/s and be raised by others who truly cared for them. You're doing the right thing not allowing any contact bet. your child and your ex. You're protecting your child which is what a loving mother does. I agree that when it comes to protecting our children, we will do what needs to be done.

Jennifer - posted on 10/20/2010

My daughter knows who her dad is, she knows his name, she knows and remembers what he did to her, I do not allow her to speak bad about her dad even though in my mind he is a disgusting worthless cross dressing pedophile who is a poor excuse for a man..... I fully encourage my daughter to pursue the answers she seeks when she is old enough. I stand behind her 100% at all times. Right now this is a safety factor. When she's an adult if she wants to seek him out I'm behind that, I fully encourage her to forgive her father because I believe we are called to do so. However, forgiving is not forgetting, she doesn;t even have to have a relationship with him. She misses her 1/2 brother and that is the bond she really seeks. I do not badmouth her father because what happened between them is between them. Its not my place to take that from her. But I will protect her and fight tooth and nail to keep her from going through it again. My daughter is 9 she was raped when she was 3 1/2 she still has night mares. In my house, God is the only father we need. I was just illustrating the fact that people say kids from "broken homes" have issues and whatnot or they grow up angry and bitter... I love my mom, I'm learning to love my dad... I'm a good person and well adjusted and my daughter is also... It was meant to be encouraging. certainly some women just suck as mothers and should never have been bred. But barring abuse and the DFS stepping in there is nothing that can be done. I was referring to REAL women who are REAL mommies! And I didn't make it my choice my piece of crap ex husband made the choice when he raped my baby. Just sayin.

Grace - posted on 10/20/2010

Hi, Jen

Let me tell you a story of someone I know. When he was born his drug addict dysfunctional mother made it her choice not to have his father have anything to do with him. She made that decision even though the father wants to be part of his son's life. He may have been unemployed, no money etc at that time but no one knew what may happen in the future. Anyway, life had been hell for him bec his mother put him through endless hell. How do you think a traumatised child will turn out as adult? It would have been nice if his father had at least been around to take him away from the hell his mother keeps putting him into. But he can't he has no idea who and where he is. He grew up not knowing what being a man let alone being a father is like. The only father figures he's had were the losers his mother would bring home. Losers that would beat his mom up, abuse drugs, etc...It is different for everyone. Some children turn out ok even without the presence of both parents. I agree that one good parent is better than two dysfunctional ones. Some children are definitely better off being raise by one loving parent and some kids are better off not having any parent at all bec of their home situations. It's case to case basis. However, sometimes the idea that you do have a father (though absent) is enough consolation to a child. The idea that no matter how dysfunctional that father may be, that he actually exists is sometimes enough for a child to feel confident that he/she did not just come out of nowhere. Even children of men who are in prison oftentimes feel that longing. A father doesn't need to be physically around esp if they're abusive and violent, then you shld not let him around you or your child. You're not denying him access, you're only protecting yourself and your child. Reminding your child that he/she has a father and explaining to her (w/o sounding bitter or negative) why he can't be around her. Children don't need to hear bad mouthing the other parent but their self confidence and self esteem do need the assurance that they do have another parent somewhere who does care for them (whether they do or not, better to be positive). Your child will love you more bec you show him/her respect by not denying him/her the right to know abt the other parent. God bless.

Rita - posted on 10/20/2010

great story i agree totally ive kept my kids dad out of the picture as much as possible without the children even knowing...

Jennifer - posted on 10/20/2010

Tamar - You are amazing. I was young like you and going to school and working and feeling that way too... My daughter is 9 now. I have a great job and still go to school. I have bonded with my daughter in a way no one else ever will and I love it. Sometimes, heck yeah its hard, sometimes I cry at night if I let myself think "Man, this is not what I planned" I get mad at my ex thinking "This is not what we talked about and planned" But (I'm a woman of faith so bear with me) I know that God is on my side. I tell my daughter she doesn't need a dad cause that's who God is. I don;t need a husband or boyfriend cause earthly men let us down. Girl it's all about being strong and when you step back and are sad to allow that, but to stand back up and say "Okay I'm ready to go to battle again" That's why i posted this thread. We don't necessarily need a partner to raise our babies right. And I think its important to uplift each other if we're going to be brave enough to be honest with each other. It's hard, but it does get easier. Chin up Ladies!

Tamar - posted on 10/20/2010

I was reading alot about dead beat dads how and before i had my 3 yr old daugther i would always look like i will never go threw this when i have my first child. But on november 5, 2006 when i had my daugther her dad never ever step up to the plate with her. Im in school, i work, and i take care of home. I know that it is very stressful and sometimes i just wanna break down and cry because im only 24 and i never throught i will never have to be the one who goes threw that as a mother. i had my child since day one and raise her to the age she is and gonna finishing my duties until i leave this earth. I never understood why guys would do this to females if they are good mother an playing there part. (smh) but what i always say to mother out there who doing everything by themselves is always hold your head up and finishing doing what your doing for your child and good things will always come your way, and to try not let people or your babyfather ever say the opposite.

Jennifer - posted on 10/20/2010

When I was married i thought that we'd stick it out thick or thin and my kids would know their dad and grow up in a two parents home... (The fantasy lined mind of a 17 year old bride) But I married a man who had a baby with someone else during our marriage and then molested our daughter.... I kept it together after the other baby was born but when he touched my baby I was done... Better to have no man than a crappy one... My daughter wants a father really bad because even though she's been through alot I raised her to trust her instincts and that while alot of men are abusive not all are. I believe that women are emotional and men know how to play us. We want the dream and guys just want to sleep around and skip out on responsibility anymore. It's a mess. And there are so many moms wondering if theyre doing it right or wrong that there needs to be positive reinforcement. I say be strong and do what needs done... At the end of the day your kids will respect you and love you for the choices you stuck by. Love~ Jen

Raynae - posted on 10/20/2010

Thank you soooo much for this! I have always and probably will always wonder if I am doing the right thing with keeping my daughter's father out of the picture. It is good to hear that you grew to be a strong woman and are doing ok. Very encouraging. Thank you again!