Dealing with Resentment towards Baby-Daddy

Kate - posted on 05/02/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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So my (almost) 2 y/o's father is somewhat involved with her. My biggest problem right now is all the resentment I feel towards him. I feel like her birth has barely affected him. I have to stay home & raise my daughter, I rarely get out to see friends. I can't do anything without thinking of her first (not that i regret it). He, on the other hand, can go party with his friends whenever he wants, get totally wasted & not worry about having to get up the next morning & take care of a child. He can date whomever he pleases & not even think about how it'd affect his daughter. Worst of all, he can be involved with her whenever its convienent for him.

Anyone in a similar situation or with advice on how to get over the resentment?

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JuLeah - posted on 05/03/2010

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I've been in shoes close to that size. Someone said to me once, "No, you don't HAVE to do anything. You don't have to think of your child first. You don't have to skip time with your friends and stay at home."

That person was reminding me that I chose to care for my child. I wanted to be her mother.

I had to stop thinking of myself as a victim, because I was not a victim. I was an adult who made a choice.

I was tired, overwhelmed, lonely .....

Do you know much about Al-Anon? It is a support group (many offer child care) for people effect by another's drinking. This program was / is so wonderful for me.

I learned the tools and skills to live my life, be happy, raise my child in a manner I thought best, be the parent she needed, honor my dreams and goals .... and the other person in my life didn't even need to change - which worked out because we CAN NOT change the behavior of another. We can not control the behavior of another. We can't fix anybody but ourselves.

I have learned to ignore a persons (person like that) words - I don't care what a person says, I care about what they do. He is showing you how much you can trust him. He is showing you how much he wants to be a father. Actions don't lie. He is being very honest with you.

The problem is that you continue to have expectations of him. You wish him to be different then what he is.

Expectations are pre-meditated resentment.

I learned to focus on the power and control I did have. I learned to take action to increase that power and control in my life.

I learned that I don't need that other person to follow the script I felt we ought to be following in order for me to be happy.

I wrote a different script.

Good luck :)

Dene - posted on 05/05/2010

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I am now a single mom of 3. I was w/ my ex-husband for 12 yrs before we separated/divorced. It's been a hard 2yrs since, given that I don't work, & money is tight. I need to work, & want to go back to school to finally get my RN degree, but because I am a full-time mother, & my youngest in not in school, it makes it a challenge. I can't afford childcare, nor can I get any financial assistance, due to the fact I get support for myself & kids. The courts don't seem to acknowledge the fact the when bills outway your money, extra help is needed! My ex is not very, nor has he ever been, involved w/ our kids, so of course I don't get any help from him, as far as picking the kids up to spend time w/ them. When were together, it was our agreement that I would leave work until all of our kids went to school, at which time I would go back to school so that when I entered back into the working world, I could get a better job. He has definitely not kept his end of the agreement, & goes on about his life as carefree as he possibly can. He goes out of town, goes to parties, visits w/ his friends, & found time to get a live-in girlfriend, all why I spend all of my time just being mommy. I wouldn't trade being a mother for anything in the world, & whereas sometimes I get frustrated, I thank God for blessing me w/ them, & giving me the privilege to spend as much time w/ them as I can, because these years will fly by! When I stopped focusing on his lack of involvement w/ our kids, & how much of his life is spent just on him, I started to appreciate more what I have w/ my kids. They definitely see my dedication to them, & it shows. When he does visit w/ them, they constantly tell me they love me, & if he just takes them outside, they have to hug & kiss me, & yell "I love you," a hundred times as they are walking out the door. :0} He barely gets a "Hi" from them most times when he comes over! Let your resentment go Sweetie....Don't give him that kind of power of you! Why should he be getting on w/ his life, & you're sitting around wasting your time, energy, & emotions on him??? Life is too short & too precious to waste it on things we can't change! Prayers of release from me to you!!!!

Kristina - posted on 05/04/2010

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Oh my goodness do i hear you!!! When my daughter was around the same age, her dad acted the same way! I tried to work with him as much as I could so he could have a relationship with his daughter. The thing is, you can't force it on someone. You need to utilize your resources and support network. Like family, friends, close contacts etc for help and support with your daughter because I know they can get to be a handful! Just remember, he is the one missing out on time with his daughter because it goes by so fast. Personally, I wouldn't let him be involved with her whenever it's convienant for him. Set up a schedule. If he doesn't want to stick with it, tell him tough. Just because you were the one that had the baby and all the responsibility falls on your shoulders does not give him the right to see his child whenever he feels like it!! NO WAY!!! First of all, you have to get real about your feelings towards him. Are you over him? Do you want him back? Once you can figure something out with that or at least start to, it will make things easier separating the two. My ex to this day I feel still uses our daughter just to get to me. As a pawn, a tool. He did the same thing-partied, screwed around with countless women, never wanted to take his daughter or came up with excuses. So now, I'm in a different situation where I'm being looked upon as bad guys because "I kept him from his daughter." no, he did that all on his own. I would not concern yourself with what he is doing with his life. It's his and you're not responsible for it or what he chooses to do or not do. You're responsible for yours and your daughters and I would make your life about that and don't worry about her dad. As far as completely getting over the resentment, I've yet to figure that one out. But like I said, first get real with your feelings, recognize them, your frustrations, concerns etc and go from there. Do try to see things on your end in a more positive light. There is truth to the self fulling prophecy.

Rebecca - posted on 05/03/2010

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Yeah I agree with you - the resentment is really hard to deal with at times. I try and think about all the special moments I get with my baby. How when she's upset she always looks for me because I'm mum and I'm her whole world. How much I miss her on the very rare occassions I do go out because she's the best thing ever and awesome company. And paying someone to baby sit your little one occassionaly helps too.

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AURORA - posted on 05/20/2010

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omg yes i went thru this. and it use to bug me but now i just let it stop buggin me. it went on for a while. he just got married last week but still text me all the time that he want to hang out but i dnt even bother txtin back. he didnt use to come around my son last year but now all of a sudden he want to pick him up on his weekends. just ignore it. karma will come around.

Janice - posted on 05/12/2010

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Joni your so right I tell my daughter all the time just think how much he is missing out on this blonde hair blue eyed lil boy who has so much love to share with everyone and is loved by myself and his mom and his 2 uncles and aunt and great grandparents its time he can't get back ever so its his loss and yes it does get better the older they get they understand there smart enough to put 2 and 2 together and figure things all out on there own without you having to say a word

Joni - posted on 05/09/2010

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I agree with the resentment. My child's father moved from TN to NY when she was 2 1/2 and now she's 5. It gets better as they get older and less demanding. And I try to keep my attitude about it in check. I can't fix him being an absentee dad, but I can enjoy all the things about her that he'll never even know about.

Janice - posted on 05/09/2010

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kick him to the curb my daughter is 25 and has a 6 1/2yr old son he has only seen him maybe 5 times last time was his first birthday he is so far behind on his child support that the procecutor has now taken over the case i say let him rot in jail he has shown hes not willing to work my daughter got engaged this past march on her birthday to someone she has dated about 3yrs they have not set the date but yes its hard not to say or feel bad feelings and keep your mouth shut in front of the child but they will learn soon enough on there own

Shanell - posted on 05/08/2010

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Sometimes if feel like u just cant get a break but at the end of the day it is well worth it. i'm a single mom of two and it can be hard at times trying to find time for yourself, kids, job and house and somehow try to keep it all together without losing your good senses.

Telika - posted on 05/07/2010

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i know the feeling,now this is what i done,did,and still doing,you are going to feel resenmaent,talking to him is like talking to a brick wall,i bring mine to HIS mom's house,oh yes,i get my break,and him not feeling something is a lie,he's human,keep in mind all dogs have their day,keep doing what you are doing god will make a way somethings you can do is ask a family member or friend to watch your daughter or trade babysitting days w/another single mom,ask your bestie to meet for a date at either the park or chuckee cheeses that way you'll get me time while she's entertained good luck mom

Meagan - posted on 05/07/2010

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i am in a very similar situation i dont do anything anymore without thinkin how is this going to affect my baby so i know exactly how you feel but at least the father has something to do with her just remember at the end of the day you can go to bed and have a goodnight's sleep because when the baby is old enough to realize what is going on je will be the one that feels bad not you

Liz - posted on 05/07/2010

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Same here...recently divorced and now a single mother with 3 kids. I say the same exact thing all the time. It's just not fair. But I still say I got the better deal. I have my kids. He is nothing but a sperm donor.

Adrienna - posted on 05/06/2010

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yes me, my exhusband and I had this same problem when we were married, but I went to a support group at my church, because I feel cheated. My exhubby and I planned to have my son, but you know he didn't want to step up to the plate and do what he needed to do. I soooo feel your pain, I forgo friends and a social life to do what's best for my son who is also 2. Because he is innocent and didn't ask for any of this. My friends keep telling me I need some adult time. I will eventually. I still have a couple of issues with my childs father, but I figured go ahead and have your fun now. You'll see this again. I wish you luck, don't let it bother you too much.

Catrina - posted on 05/05/2010

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my ex does the same exact thing. always partying and hanging with friends, but tells me he is too busy to see his kids.

Alicia - posted on 05/05/2010

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I am still in the same boat!! I resent my ex alot cause he has remarried & started another family & after 7yrs I am still single cause I don't have time to date but my ex makes it worse by going around & taelling everyone why I am still single is because I want to be with him. That is a bunch of bs cause I am happier without him & so are my kids. I have 11 year old daughter & a 7 year old son & I refuse to bring every guy I date around my kids until i know he is worth my time & my kids time. I know that sounds bad but I am very scared about who I bring around my kids they have been hurt by thier dad so bad tht I don't want it to happen again. So that makes it really hard to date. Most of my friends are married & have no kids so they tend to hang out with each other alot cause they guys can talk & the women can talk with no kids running around but I do stay close to my friends(they usually come hang out when the guys are busy so it's just us women & my kids) we talk all the time on the phone but I still get lonely. I just have to remind myself I am the one my kids talk about with thier teachers & coaches. I'm the one who gets to see thier smiles & be proud cause they won a game or got an award at school knowing that I helped them acomplish that.

Tiffany - posted on 05/03/2010

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you definitley took all of the words out of my mouth because i feel the same way about my sons donor...i can never just up and go bcuz i have to make sure i have someone to keep him and i even have to call off work sometimes if a babysitter(usually my mom) falls through...it really sux but alot of times when im down and out i just pray and God gets me through it

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