does anyone have any solutions for a single mother of one boy, who is angry and hurt by his fathers absence...would love any/all adivse/leads to other parenting groups :)

Laura - posted on 05/11/2010

my sons dad only comes and goes as he wants to see them and it is very hard for them but he has not seen them in over a year and my oldest son has so much anger over it that it is causeing a lot of stress here but he stays with my dad on the weekends to get that father figure bond and he goes to counceling with my pastor and it seems to be helping having someone you child can talk to and if he is older like my 11 yr old give him a place where he can go and just have some alone time that seems to be working with my son

A - posted on 05/11/2010

It seems that our child(ren) often mirror us, the full time parent. If we verbalize our sentiments or act out ourselves our kids may model this behavior. Unforturtunately if we want them to be strong and healthly, we ourselves must exhibit these traits.

Deborah - posted on 03/01/2009

Hi,



When my husband left me 4 years ago whilst 6 weeks pregnant my oldest son who was 8 at the time blamed me, he didnt want to believe that his dad had an affair and was leaving us. I just hugged him as much as he wanted me to and kept telling him that is dad was upset with me and not him. 4 years on my youngest is happy and so is my oldest - they just need time to adjust like we do



Hope you and your son is ok.



Speak soon



Deborah x

Ashley - posted on 02/28/2009

all i can say is that i am in the same boat my sons father has been gone e for 2 weeks and he wont listen to me at all and he has started to hit his sister i have tried everything for discipline and nothing has worked yet

Tammy - posted on 02/28/2009

My son has been terribly hurt by his dads absence. They had an arguement when he was 10, his dad did not return calls, or see him for a year and 3 months. The only reason he came back around was because I took him to court for sole custody, and no visitation rights. This made him mad to have to go to court, My son was given a law guardian, and to make a long story short, he tried to play the victim, my son told me to stay away, so I did, but the judge with the help of the law guardian saw through him. I laid into him in the courtroom, told him his son is in a special school for emotionally disturbed children and it was all his doing, abandoning him, leaving cards in mailbox at christmas, missing his 12th birthday.... Solutions..... Find a good counselor you feel comfortable with and your child, and a supportive school and lots of patients and love....

Teresa - posted on 02/21/2009

When my husband first left I dealt w/ a LOT of anger from my girls (then 6, now 7).  They've only seen him once in 9 months.  He wants them to come see him, but I don't trust him and his girlfriend is psycho.  When I filed for full custody and that all visitations had to be done here... he didn't even show up for court.  Obviously it isn't that important to him, but he never misses a chance to say it's mommy's fault they don't see him cuz I won't let them.  I just keep telling them the truth.  I don't bad mouth their father at all (even though it is tempting at times).  I simply tell them that he loves them, but decided to make some bad choices and is stuck making them right now.  They pretty much have no relationship w/ him anymore which is heartbreaking since they were 'daddy's girls' for 6 years.

My baby boy, on the other hand, doesn't even know what a daddy is yet.  I'm really worried about the different ways this will impact him as he gets older.

Kristine - posted on 02/18/2009

My son is 11 and in the past couple of months has spoken to his father a couple of times on the phone. Other than that, he has had no contact with hs father - dad's choice. After talking to him, and hearing his dad give lame excuses as to why he left him, my son decided on his own that he doesn't really want to talk to him. This might change as he gets older, but for now he has no respect for him.



I have tried to keep my son actvie in sports (this helps for the male influence), and have my Dad and Brother spend time with him as well. As hard as it is, you have to be honest with them at an age appropriate level - even when it's hard. I have always told my son that his dad is like this because he was never taught how to love by his parents. I told him to try to work on forgiving his dad because that is what is best for my son, to not hold the anger in - to pity his dad for not having felt the love my son has.



This has worked for me so far, I hope it helps someone!

Angela - posted on 02/18/2009

It helped my 4yr old to understand that his father just isn't ready for the huge job being a daddy entails. He has alot of questions why F. just stopped coming to pick him up and shut his phone off and left no forwarding address. I explain all that I do for him and that it is a beg job and BIG responsibility and F. for some reason only he knows just isn't ready for it. reassure your son that YOU love him and you will ALWAYS be there for him how much he is wanted and how you were ready and how great he is. This seems to work for my son.

Jessamy - posted on 02/17/2009

Hey im not solo anymore, but i was for the first 4 years of my daughters life. While i was lucky and my daughters father has a fair amount of contact i DID have reservations (and still do) about the kind of man he is and weather i want that influence around her. (he is a very angry man and he is quite derogatory of women) I know that my daughter is entirely loved and physically safe with him so i allow it as i feel i personally cannot fight that battle for her, that in time she has to make up her own mind about her father and that i dont want to put my reservations into her.



You have to make up your own mind obviously, but if you decide he cant see his dad ever you are going to end up the "bad guy" when really you are only trying to protect him. You cant really make up his mind for him on the matter, he may be young but in the end its probably better that he decide he doesnt want that any more (this doesnt mean you cant try and talk to the dad in private and try and explain that its not really the best way) its fabulous that he has the contact to his dads family through his grandma, maybe you could talk to her about her spending time looking at old photos of his dad and what he was like as a little boy so he can get some insight into him in a relaxed way.



Sounds like a really hard situation gurl and i hope you and your little man can find peace together in time. Try and make sure he knows its not his fault that it turned out the way it has, hopefully his councilling will help too.

Stephanie - posted on 02/17/2009

im the same hun .. the father of my baby dnt want to know .. so basically i feel bad .. bt all i can do is let me son no that i love him .. hes only 3 weeks soo its nt that worrying at the min

Susan - posted on 02/16/2009

Thanks Mindy, I really appreciated reading this!!! Likewise, my son is very protective of me....dont know if its good or bad, but well see later on. He was involved with play therapy and it seemed to be working really well, but I had to stop bc it was far from the house and I dont have a car, so every week he was missing one whole day of school, ugh! But  I have decided to sign him up for it again, same counselor..yeah,, shes awesome!!! But this time, we have a ride to and from!!!  It is true, my sons reactions to things are based on how I react to things...some good and others not so fabulous, but I am reallytrying. I am a singl e mother and full time student..sooo busy!! so the stress can really hit the fan!!  I can def! realte to you playing the parts of the mom and the dad...such a huge job!!!!

Another question I have is, what do you suggest that I do about him seeing his dad? His grnadmother is really active in his life, but unofortunately, his dad lives  downstairs and only vivists with my son whem it is conveninet for him..like after resting or showering, ect...

Should I not let his dad see him....or just have his granmother come here to visit with my son...? Everything is so difficult and confusing..it seems to be getting worse, which is why I have decided to start play therapy again.

Thanks for eveything hun, I really appreciate it and it helps to hear others   :)

Mindy - posted on 02/16/2009

My son was extremely angry when his dad left. The school counselor had tried to work with him, and she finally suggested we take him to a counselor through family and childrens services. I never have told my children the full truth about their dad's absence and no matter what I think about him or how mad I get, I never once have talked bad about him to them. I am lucky that my sister's husband and my dad stepped in some, but for the most part it was me filling in as the dad. 6 years later, Chris doesn't attach well to strangers and doesn't trust outsiders. But the one biggest thing I look back on is my kids reactions were usually based on how I reacted to things. I also had to set strong boundaries and consistant discipline and kept their schedule and activities as close to the same as I could. I spent alot of the first 4 years rebuilding their esteem and kept them in lots of activities. I cannot promis it is going to be easy, but I can tell you that eventually you will look back and see that it was all worth the effort and the sacrifices you will have to make. My son is my biggest fan and is extremely protective of me. He is only 12 and I have not had to deal with him as a teen yet, so my adventures still continue.