Father questions the paternity, but is he just a deadbeat?

Lori - posted on 10/17/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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In December I found out I was pregnant and when I made the decision to keep the baby the guy I was involved with got a girlfriend the same week. He told me how he would be there and supports me, but then in March he started to question the paternity. I wasn’t with anyone else but we had an open relationship. I would date other guys but never slept with anyone else. I did this because I knew he wouldn’t commit to me, but I was in love with the guy and never told him how I felt in fear of how he would react. He told me I was nothing but sex to him when I told him I was keeping the baby. He started asking about the paternity in March and wasn’t involved with the pregnancy but we would get together with me once in a while for dinner. This was his idea of maintaining a friendship, yet I was angry and confused that he wasn’t there for me.



I got to the point where I stopped believing anything he was saying to me and felt he was just bullshitting me. Now I’ve had the baby and he’s only seen the baby once. He continues to question the paternity and tells people it’s not his child. Although his dad had contacted me in May and told me how he would like to be a part of his grand-daughters life and had a chance to see her. Also his sister was in contact with me through the internet from January until May. I invited her and his mother to my baby shower, but they declined. Him and his sister continue to keep me as a friend on facebook, which I find odd, unless he’s trying to keep track of me but it doesn’t explain why his sister would keep me on and accept the request to be a follower of my daughter on Circle of Moms if they really thought he wasn’t the father.



Every time I talk to him now he mentions how he is looking into getting a DNA, but it’s been 3 times now he said he was going to get a lawyer and nothing has happened yet. I’ve asked him to do a home kit DNA test, but he has said he wants to do things the legal way and would pay the fees of getting a lawyer than to get a home kit DNA. I’ve left it up to him because at this point I am not pursuing child support. I mentioned to him how it’s the same test that lawyers use, and I don’t understand how someone would pay so much money if they thought it wasn’t their child. Although he has mentioned to me that if it is his child he wants to be involved in his daughter’s life, but have nothing to do with me.



I don’t understand how his family, friends and girlfriend could be in support of him not having anything to do with his child. I don’t think it’s right or fair for him to walk into my daughter’s life, whenever he feels like it, once and if the DNA test is done. If he even decides to have anything to do with her. The only thing I can think of that he may be up to is that he may go after visitation rights and have a 3rd party involved. He’s not honest with me, so I have no way of finding out. The idea does not sit well with me since I don’t trust him and have no idea what his family or girlfriend are like.



If there is a way I could get him to do a home DNA test, I would do it, but I don’t hang out with him. If there’s any advice on this it would be very helpful. A lot of this seems really screwed up and I am not sure what to think anymore. Also I am in need of advice as to what I should do on the entire situation. Everyone tells me it’s his loss and to move on, but it’s hard to go on thinking there could be other things I could do to keep my daughter’s father in her life. If anyone could shed some light on this it would be beneficial.



Thank you.

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Tiffany - posted on 10/19/2009

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you can go to domestics and file for a dna test, neither of you need a lawyer, its legal, and you won't have to pay anything, he has to pay for it. If you really want a home dna test most drug stores sell them. if it is in fact his child you do need to get a custody agreement so he can see her, and once that is in place and he gets visitation you have no say as to who he has around your daughter. If you question the fact that he can handle her, request supervised visits in court. If he hasn't seen her its not that hard to get. speak to domestics I know mine offers lawyers for free, and reduced cost if you don't make that much money. good luck.

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Martha - posted on 10/06/2010

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Visit http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/exti... to find information on how the state can help you make this man accountable and responsible for his part in the creation of your wonderful child. In the state of Texas, all I needed to do was fill out a form establishing paternity and the AG's office took it from there. They sent him a letter and we met at the AG's office. He challenged paternity, which in essence equalled his request for a paternity test. The state ordered the paternity test taken and we went. Because (as I knew it would) he was proven to be the father, the state then met with us again, told him he'd be paying for the DNA test (you aren't responsible for it when he turns out to be the father), set out a standard visitation schedule and an amount for child support. This negated the need for me to hire an attorney. He hired one and brought him to the AG's meeting, but he didn't need an attorney and neither did I. I did, however, have an attorney friend draft a document that would have him sign away his parental rights (which doesn't take away his obligation to pay child support). He wouldn't sign that, but neither does he have anything to do with his daughter, even 6 years later. The DNA test gives right to your child - rights of support and inheritance. The longer it is between the birth of your child and the day the agreement is made, the more likely it is that you can get supervised visits or a "phased in" visitation schedule, which is what happened in our case. Of course, her father has never opted in for the visitation, but it's still available to him. End of the day, your child will know that you did all you could to protect her rights and keep the door open to him FOR HER.

You can't make him be involved. It's sad, but a fact. "Moving on" is a well-meaning piece of advice, but rarely helpful when you're in the middle of such turmoil. It will take you awhile to move on - and there's no real recipe for how to do that. Take your time. There's no rush. I will be praying for you about this - it's a difficult situation that I've already lived through and know pretty much exactly how you're feeling right now. Take care of you and your beautiful daughter - you are the real winner here. Blessings...

Brandi - posted on 10/23/2009

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i have to say i was in the same situation once upon a time...let me tell ya from experience...dont push it if he wants rights hell do what he hsa to and if his family wants to be involved theyll talk to him...until then you are better off without him...show him regardless that u know the truth and it would be nice for him to be involved that u dont need him. i didnt even go for support at the time because he didnt want nothing to do with my kids his money wasnt good enuff for us either id rather do it alone with the support of friends and family. just my opinion, your decision and Good luck and God bless!!

Marta - posted on 10/22/2009

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It seems like he doesn't want to be involved. I'd say leave him be. I hate to say that but my ex is like that too, he wants to see his sons then he doesn't and then he wants to pay child support and then he doesn't. You and your daughter might be better off without him, and from the looks of it he is no rush to take you to court either. Once you go to court you are in court for life, sometimes it's better just to move on and stay out of court.

[deleted account]

I have to agree with everyone else. Get a lawyer and protect yourself and your daughter. The father signed paternity papers when our daughter was born. We split 2 weeks after she was born, and he threatened to have me thrown in jail and get custody of our daughter. He did not do so, and he comes and goes all the time. I want to go to court to get full custody of her and have him get supervised visitation rights, but I don't have the money. I fear every day that he is going to beat me to the punch and get a lawyer and take me to court to take our daughter away from me.

Caitlin Allope - posted on 10/21/2009

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I would wait for him to demand it. If he does it is my understanding he has to pay for the test. You will have your hands full providing for yu and baby so why shouldn't he pay for the test?

IF he is serious he will do it if not he will disppear off the scene. At least you will knw one way or another. Take it from someone who has raised her kids alone having a man like that is worse than having no man help raise baby

Chiana - posted on 10/20/2009

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I think all men go through that after the baby is born for some strange reason. Especially when you are not married. It sucks but stay strong and keep in mind that you have a baby to raise in this crazy world.

Wanda - posted on 10/20/2009

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I file the papers and got the paternity test then the court order about visitation. The court system is the only way to protect yourself legally. My son was born in October 2003, I had the paternity test done in Dec. 2003. His father dragged his feet on showing up so the judge said he would be defaulted if he didn't do it. Even with a paternity test showing him to be the father he still refused to meet my son for the first two years. You need to establish paternity and then visitation so when your daughter's sperm donar doesn't do what he is suppose to do you, you and your daughter are protected. It has not been easy but I don't say anything negative about my son's father to my son, their relationship is their relationship and my son deserves the chance to form his own opinion. I do however have a full custody and court order saying when he can visit with his father that gives me peace of mind to make sure that I can protect my son in the future.

Angela - posted on 10/20/2009

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Men!!..... Somtimes I wonder why if a man dosent want to step up do the have unprotected sex with us?? He is a deadbeat plain and simple. This is his way of stalling the issue. So go to your local CSA office and file for the test. He has no excuse at all for not doing rt by his child. As for the other people in his life well I know how that feels and have wondered the same thing, But karma will get them all in the end and as for now SIC the legal system on your deadbeat.

Christie - posted on 10/20/2009

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The get a lawyer. Even if you don't want to go this route. He isn't giving you a choice and he doesn't sound like he's in hurry to get one himself. Since you've told him you don't want to go that way it sounds like he's dragging his feet. It sounds as if you will have to take the inicitive. If you are trying to have a relationship with him, or force him to have a relationship with his child it won't happen. I hate to say it but my brother has a child. He jerked the girl along for awhile until she finally went through the court and had DNA done. Now he pays child support but won't have anything to do with his child. It's sad but at least now he knows she is his and he has NO EXCUSE for not being a man and being a father to his daughter. Her mother has since moved on. You can't force relationships, either he will be her Daddy or he won't.

Lori - posted on 10/20/2009

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hi everyone

the problem is he wont even take a DNA test. I've asked him to take a home test, but he would rather go to a lawyer to get a DNA done. Id rather this not go thru court for many reasons and have told him it would be more money going this route. He said the money is not an issue for him. However, he has told me 3 times now that he's looking into it but there's been no action on his part. I cant force him to take a home kit test and I have no other way to get him to take the test.

Christie - posted on 10/20/2009

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I'm in the same situation, but I dated they guy and when I was 5 months pregnant found out he was married. To his wife he denys our daughter and says he wants DNA and then to me is all let's go to vital records so I can sign the birth certificate and have my name on it. It's infurriating!!! He comes to see her without his wife knowingbut refuses to help support her. I have decided to go the lawyer route. He should be served with papers any day. I know it's his child, I'm not the one with the doubts, but I don't EVER want him to be able to look at our child and say, I don't kow if your mine.

I finally figured out he still comes around becasue he is hoping that things will be the way they used to be and he can spend the night. He doesn't really have a vested intrest in me or my child, so I HAD to let him go.

I also feel that I didn't create her alone and I DO need finicial help. I work and daycare alone is an extra $450 a month!!

But I agree with the preavious poster, you can't make him be a father. Either he will step up or not. I would get the home test. It seems he just doesn't want to be a man and take resposibility for his actions. :o(

Candice - posted on 10/17/2009

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if he wants to deny she is his, that's his problem. alot of men deny paternity so they don't have to emotionally or financially feel responsible. Don't force him to take the test. If he wants to do it, he'll do it. Unless you want support, then file for support and the court will force him to do the test. If he does the test, and it's his child, he can get visitation and even go for custody, so if you push the issue, you may end up with a fight on your hands.



You can't make a man be a father. They want to or they don't, and unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about it. Be the best mom you can be and protect your child from any unnecessary BS. If his name isn't on the birth certificate, he has no rights. if he wants rights, he can take the test and fight for his rights.

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