Finally- good thing or bad thing?

Liyema Ncumisa - posted on 02/16/2010

iv got th same problem, but i would like to advice you not to block him. speak to him first then take actions. i was married 3 years with the father of my kids(2boys), & he decided to move out ('coz i was'nt good enough for him- he prefared VIRGINS***) so he is now gone & an am taking actions because he does not want to provide for his kids, and he stil claims he loves them; what kind of love is that-he visits them now & then & buys them junk -i mean chocolates, chips, take away foods...i'm angry with him but one thing i cannot do is to shut-him off his kid's lives..

Joan - posted on 01/11/2010

I have to agree with some of the above discussions - leave the door open for your child's daddy to be a part of his life, but do not make it too easy. People who do only what is easy show their lack of serious interest. If your baby's daddy lives in the same town- bus service or walking is an option for him to see his son - meeting you someplace in the middle.

I agree - you are not responsible for the daddy's choices or lack of responsibility. You do, however, want to always be the mature adult who can separate your personal feelings from what is best for your son - he will need and want to know what you did to help or hurt his relationship with his father. I would want to be able to list all of the things I did to try to help my son's relationship with his dad.

I hope I do not sound too harsh- I do not mean to be. :-)

Sarah - posted on 01/11/2010

I think you're having to face a difficult decision and you're making the best choice for your family. I would keep tabs on him tho'. Even if he doesn't know where you are. Just in case your son has questions when he gets older.

Cyndy - posted on 01/10/2010

girls we have a life to live and love and to clean house u have to move crap around and deep clean if ya know what i mean and we cant clean our own house how are we suppose to help anyone else. i know i was put on earth to help others and to not feel sorry for me. but we do this anyway. thats when i find someone that has it worse than me and my son and help them and i have even been crapped on by helping. and for us to clean our minds and souls of what has happened to us we have to heal and help others. please teach the kids to be happy at home and home is the best place to be whatever is going on outside and it is safe. home is where we have to start with the kids to show them, it ok if we dont have everything we want but we have what we need and dont be afraid to ask for help find it seek it out it takes an army to raise a child. god bless

Jessica - posted on 01/10/2010

Ok, I know this all too well. If he hasn't changed before the baby was born, he won't. EVER. My son's father never held a job for more than a year. He always had a job and car (so he could always have drugs), but no GED. Not having a GED isn't so bad nowadays providing you have the right job with the right advancement opportinities. My sons father claims he loves his son, but its been a year and a half since they last saw each other and the only time he contacts me is to put me in a panic attack. Anyways, start to live your life just you and your baby. Don't plan on depending on him or you'll make it worse. I depended on my ex every friday to be there. Id drive 45 min out of my way to pick him up from work, drive them to his place then try to make it to work on time so he could spend the night. Then he'd never let me talk to him. He pays child support when he wants but all in all its been too much for my son. In my son's 4 years of knowing his father, his father bought 1 think of diapers and one round of birthday/christmas gifts. I don't count on him.



Start your lives without him, it will be hard, but easier in the end. Trust me!

Tasha - posted on 01/10/2010

Hey I am rocking in the same boat. I'm 36 and the dad is 31 he has no home living place to place. No car, no money and no job. Lifeless mother fucker that's what he is. What is in it for me. I am raising his child who is 15 months old. When I'm around him he hates that I let my child be a toddler. You know the things toddlers do. He says I'm not teaching her the right things. So he holler at her and makes her cry. I hate that. We then fuss and fight over what's right for suppose to be our daughter. He tells me how stupid I am for letting her do such toddler things. Yet alone I have an 18 and a 14 year old. But I don't know how to raise a child. It kills me when a no good ass man can tell you how to raise a child and he have no place of his own.

Cyndy - posted on 01/09/2010

run run away dont do it. whatever he thinks is right will go wrong on your time and money ya know im 45yrs old now and if i had of known how i would of left my sons dad out but being the nice guy that i am i tried i tried i tried all i ended up doing is crying and mad that i could of had better but now i can say i tried and no i will never say what if it doesnt matter if it dont feel right run my life the best it can be stop worring about the rest live and love

Beth - posted on 01/09/2010

I try not to bring down the image that my girls have of their father - I've let him do that all on his own. I have been honest with the girls and kept it to the knowledge that they already have. I have kept back things and there are things that the girls aren't aware of about what happened between him and myself and this is not the time for them to know about it as they are still all young. They will be informed as and when it is required and if the time is right.



If you are seen to be making the effort to help the father to step up to his responsibility then you will have the higher moral ground and that is all you can ask for. In the end it will show that you've tried and that he's done (or as the case may prove, not) for your child. It is now his turn to prove himself to the child. It doesn't take much to make a child, but it takes a lot to become a parent.

Jennifer - posted on 01/09/2010

I agree. with the above. But remember that he does need to be responsible for his actions at well and we are only given a certain amount of time and energy to spend in our days. I agree with leaving the door open, but whether or not he steps in is not your decision. If he really wants to be there, he will be there. I keep doors open for my son's father. I have copies of letters I have written and pictures we have sent etc.. but I cannot waste my time on someone who has no desire to be there. It is always your choice, but really how much do you give until its too much and the person is not held accountable? The guy needs to get a job, get a bus ticket and figure it out from there. I would say give him about a month for rides, then after that he has to be able to do for himself too. Its called loving him into adulthood. Which in the end will be win win for everyone. It sucks and you may have to take some slaps of being wrongfully labeled as something you are not for awhile, but put it in writing to him and let his character reveal itself. I do not recommend hating or bad talking or using anything like that against him. That only fuels a fire and separates the child more from its father in the end. My son prays for his dad and loves him, but I never go as far to say that his dad "loves" him as I really do not know that. And if I make something up in my attempt to be the good one, then my son gets a message A. Mom's a liar, because if dad loved me where is he? B. So love means I can get away with making babies and leaving? Kids grow up and eventually come to find things out on there own...

Beth - posted on 01/09/2010

I would try and take the higher moral ground on this. One day your son will ask about his biological father and you need to give him the facts that are truthful, but relevant. He does not to know everything, but you need to be honest with him at the same time, especially when he's older. I don't know how the system works over in the US, but in the UK it's slightly different. It is worth having some sort of communication line open with the father and/or his family. You could try and send the father a letter saying what you would like him to do, for example put his name on the birth certificate and maybe pay some maintance.



I don't know what systems/services there are in the US, but here in the UK, parents with care of the children can claim maintance of the biological parents through the Child Support Agency - which is the official agency that deals with payments.



It looks like you've made the right decision for you and your child, to become a single parent. I know it's not easy, but sometimes it has to be done. Remember take one step at a time. If possible try and keep the father in the child's life, I know it's not easy but the decision whether or not the absent parent should be in the child's life should be taken on an individual situation.

Bendetta - posted on 01/09/2010

Dont take the father out of the childs life if he wants to be wit his child.My kids father doesnt pay child support and barly sees them.It really hurts them alot even though they say they dont care and dont want to see him either,I can see the hurt.You dont have to let him know where you live when you move.Pick him up and go to mcdonalds or chuck-E-cheese,and then take his ass home.The End

Zharna - posted on 01/08/2010

Ok - he obviously loves his son which is great - I think alot of us single mums would even be happy to be able to say that cos alot of us can't.
But you do need to stop paying for him. I can understand why you might pick him up and drop him off to see your son but paying for a bus ticket? That really is not your problem.
Maybe give him an ultimatum 'I will help you with transport to see your son for another month - during that time you need to make other arrangements to be able to visit as I really shouldn't have to do it all for you'
The other thing is - is he your boyfriend or your ex - you started off by saying your boyfriend and even spoke about all of you getting an apartment together but you're also saying you can't stand him and you're not together - does he know where you stand. If he thinks he is your boyfriend he probably can't see the issue with you transporting him around and paying for things.
You need to have a long chat about where things are and how you want to go forward. If you find it hard to talk to him then write him a letter so you can everything out in the open and sorted for baby's sake!

Jennifer - posted on 01/08/2010

Quoting Michelle:

I understand where you are coming from. I have the same issues with my son's father. My son is 6 and at this point his father isn't in his life. I always left the door open but after a year of babying him I finally decided it was up to him if he wanted to see his son.

   good for you girl! You definitely did the strong thing there! Time to grow up guys!! :)

Michelle - posted on 01/08/2010

I understand where you are coming from. I have the same issues with my son's father. My son is 6 and at this point his father isn't in his life. I always left the door open but after a year of babying him I finally decided it was up to him if he wanted to see his son.

Lynda - posted on 01/07/2010

First things first. Bravo for realizing that he is a problem that you don't need. Saying that, in my opinion, you need to stop paying for him. So far it sounds like you cater to him, making things easy. You need to stop! Yes, he should see his child, but he needs to figure out how. You shouldn't need to pick him up and drop him off every time. I can understand once in awhile but not every time. I guess I don't really understand why you bought him a ticket. Okay, so he could be with his family and straighten out stuff there. Good for him, but why you? Did he ask or did you offer? I suppose it doesn't really matter at this point. Unless he is abusive in some way, I don't think that it would be right to cut him out completely. Just stand your ground if and when he comes back. Don't pay for him. Don't let him move in with you no matter what. I know that it can be difficult because the guy can mess with our emotions and make us feel sorry for them but that is not going to help anyone. Let him know up front that you are done taking care of him. That you have a child to take care of who can't take care of himself. Go for child support even if it's minimal it's something and he should be paying something. Be the strong woman that you know that you are and stand up to the challange don't take the easy way out. Someday Triston is going to ask about his dad, what would you say? How about when he wants to meet his dad? If his dad is a horrible person Triston will figure it out for himself when he is old enough, but I think that blocking your ex at this point wouldn't be a good idea.

Lisa - posted on 01/07/2010

Time to treat him as an adult to be honest !, Dont block him out this only gives him another excuse not to grow up. You both have a child between you and as the more mature one you need to show him what it is to be a parent.
You cannot allow him to carry on 'drifting' and expecting you to carry him as well, he is after all not the baby here. You are making it easy for him to behave like that, sure he sounds lazy but you are doing, is mothering him, save that for your child. He didnt have the money to go to see his family, then tough, life is hard as i am sure you know.
Please dont cut him out of his childs life, you need to spend your energy in speaking frankly and honestly to him and allow him the oppurtunity to step up. If he doesnt that is his fault not anyone elses.
He will only end up moving in with you when he comes back IF you allow him to do so. Be strong but firm, and set your boundries and stick to them. If your happy to drive and collect him then do so, but when he is having time with his son you need to be having your own time, going out/cinema/ visiting friends etc just make sure you are clear about what your limits are and stick to them.
Good luck x

Candice - posted on 01/06/2010

as much of a deadbeat as he is, he is your child's ONLY father...and they will always resent YOU if you block him out completely. that doesn't mean you can't set boudaries. If he can't get off his own ass to come see the child, if he can't find his own place to live, etc, then that's on HIM, not on you. but you really can't stop him from seeing her if he wants to put in the effort. and restricting access like that can bite you in the ass if he sues you for custody.

Jennifer - posted on 01/05/2010

Before you just block him out, you need to be 9yes, i know again.. ARGH!) the ADULT in the ordeal and lovingly confront him with your concerns about his behavior. If after that he still refuses then you did all you could to let him know. Talking to him first not only brings it to his attention, but it also subconsciously teaches him how to be as a person. You need to stop catering to him in any way though. Sounds like he hasn't been challenged to take care of his responsibilities and that is sad, but yeah. You have rights to be angry.. but venting and cutting him off will only cause more harm than good at this point. After the face to face confrontation (try not to yell) and still no use, then start setting limits and maybe the next step may be court. If mom and dad will not raise him to take his responsibilities then unfortunately he has to learn the hard way. I always say that you need to try the best way to communicate your feelings and needs first and if they cannot understand, its a reflection on their character not yours. But the truth is that as mad as you are, you had a child together and you (I know its sad) have to take the higher road of responsibility even if he won't. Its not fair. Its not okay that he does not help. It sucks.. but its why most of us well, single moms in the first place. Who knows? maybe he will sit and think and the hard part is that you have to follow through after you say it (its like raising a child I know, but its the level that he is at :( ) Like if you say: You need to find a place and a job within 3 months otherwise we will have to settle in court.. then be ready to follow through on that. That way he will know you mean what you say and say what you mean and you will not settle for less than that. It gives him a chance, you a time line and an opportunity to see where this man's character is at. Who knows? maybe you will be the first to hold him accountable for something and somewhere down the road he may be thankful for the first reality check into manhood. Good Luck. Oh and with that the courts will see that you are not just another bitter girl with an argument, they will see your willingness to take steps forward and his unwillingness (i hope not, but well..) to follow through and that gives you some respect under your belt as a mom and a woman too!