Forced to do it alone to get away from him....don't know how.

Jessica - posted on 07/25/2009 ( 31 moms have responded )

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My bofriend and I have been together for 9 yrs. We did not have children until about 4 years ago, we now have 2 together, I already had 4 older children from my previous relationship...they are teens.
Anyway, I am completely devoted to my children and their father however over the past 3 yrs he has become involved in alchohol and cocaine and is now becoming hateful, bitter, paranoid and abusive to me and my older children. He is the main source of income and lets it be known. I was working (which he complained about) up until June 2nd in which I lost my job and my vehicle in the same week. He now states he hates me and does not love me and wishes me and my older children were dead. I don't like the way he talks to me but I don't know how to get back on my feet so that I can do it alone. I need transportation to transport kids to daycare so that I can go to work. I feel so trapped I have no family except for my kids. Everyday I am getting more and more discouraged while he continues to put me down even more.
Don't mean to sound so depressing, I just feel like there is no way to turn.

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Christina - posted on 07/25/2009

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Start looking for a shelter for abused women. I was in your shoes. It took me 13 yrs to get out. He will eventually take it out on the kids. I walked out with the clothes on my back and 4 kids, no money, car nothing. There are places to help I am doing it alone and with 4 children. Its hard but you can do it, just reach your hand out and someone will grab it and pull you up.

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Renee - posted on 08/01/2009

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i agree with what everyone is saying and like a lot of them i, too was in the same situation.I thought i needed him and could not do it by myself. Sister i am here to say it has been over 17 years now and my life is so much better..Even though my children were young but know what i did for them and they are happy well adjusted children today. I think too because of it they will be better fathers for it someday..You can do it

[deleted account]

The hardest step is to make the decision! But please take the step! It will be worth it!For you! For your kids! For your future! As everyone here has said, there is much help and assistance out there for you and your kids. I am also living testimony that you can get through something like this.

I know its hard to focus on the future and what it holds now, but as a welfare worker said to me (whilst in high security refuge) "They are only feelings, you choose whether they rule you!"

Go well

Deanna - posted on 08/01/2009

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Honey, you have to do what is best for you and your children. You come first because you can't take care of your kids unless you are well. You need to get out so you can be there for your kids. #1, move to a shelter, with family or friends, #2, get on assistance, welfare, and find some type of job, #3, use public transportation, #4, move on up from there. You will have to start from the bottom in order to get out. Do it...just do it and take the help that is out there, that is what it is there for. Don't worry about the stigmas that come with the help. it was made for women like you who really need it and who are trying to do the right thing for herself and her kids. good luck and sending my love and prayers. You will find this is where you have to turn and find that there are people there for you who will do everything they can to help. Just do it.

Victoria - posted on 08/01/2009

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I am so sorry first of all. I know its really hurtful to see the one that you love hurt themself. I was in the same situation, but I had to leave. Not because we could not work things out or he could not get help for the hundreth time, but for my own self worth and knowing that I wanted better. It has not been easy, but I love me again. So, I will keep you in my prayers that GOD guides u into the correct choice for u, and remember this to shall pass. Stroms of life don't last forever.

[deleted account]

you are not being depressing, you have a problem and can find the solution, it is tough being alone with kids, but it makes more sense than staying with this man. my husband was violent and abusive my daughter was seeing it and getting scared and nervous around him, because i was. now he has gone we are both more relaxed and happy life is better because i am not stressing about every little thing. your boyfriend is an adult and therefore responsible for his own actions your children rely on you to look after them, if he is around you and them and making life difficult the only solution is to go, there is always somewhere to go or someone to help, look in yellow pages, talk to your doctor, church anything, someone will have the answer. it is hard in the beginning but i promise it gets better, you are lucky you have older kids who will support you and help you with the smaller ones, i was on my own with a small child and it was tough, but i promise you faithfully it gets better and you need to do this now before things get worse and the kids have more problems. you are an adult its easier to understand what goes on around you, kids dont and if you stay in this situation they will think it is ok and then in time you will have other problems. you are a strong woman, do not let him make your life difficult, stand up for yourself and your kids. good luck, just remember stay positive stay strong and be yourself again.

SHANEQUA - posted on 07/30/2009

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I'VE BEEN I A RELATIONSHIP FOR 5YEARS HE WAS PROVIDING FOR ME AND MY CHILD , SEEN LIKE OUT THE 5YRS . 2YRS HE STARTED TO BE REALLY HATFUL TOWARDS ME CALLING ME NAMES ,HIT ME WOULD NOT EVEN TOUCH ME SAY REALLY MEAN THINGS TO ME AFTER I WAS DS WITH MS. HE DID A 360 ON ME . NOW THAT I LEFT HIM HE WOULDNT ANSWER MY DAUGHTERS CALLS SO I IM LEFT TO DO SOMETHING I DONT WANT TO DO TAKE HIM FOR CHILD SUPPORT. AFTER MY UNCLES CALLED THE POLICE ON HIM TO GET THE REST OF MY THINGS OUT I GUESS THATS WHAT HE IS MAD ABOUT. I THOUGHT THE FIGHT WAS ABOUT ME AND HIM NOT THE CHILD

Amy - posted on 07/30/2009

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Sounds like a dangerous situation... I would get those kids out of there like NOW. AND he has drugs in the house? If you are worried about getting out safely, call the police...and I'm sure they will point you in the right direction. They may even give you some immediate assistance.....they may help get you in contact with a womens shelter if things are that bad.... Of all things, you should make sure those kids are safe...there is help out there.....things will get better!!!

Sara - posted on 07/30/2009

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Do you have a shelter or a DVAK close? Mental and emotional abuse is just as bad a physical. There's help, but you have to want it! You can not say you want it if you really are not going to try to do something about it! YOu have to this if not for you then for your kids! You have to be strong you are the mom. After you get away from him you can be weak for awhile. But you have to get out! We read too many stories that start out like this and end very, very sad! So take care of you and your kids and don't wait for a chance or opportunity. Now is your chance! Take the clothes on your back and your kids and get out. Your life and your kids' lives depend on you! So stay strong. There's a way to get back on your feet but if you are with him, you will never be on your feet!

Rebecca - posted on 07/30/2009

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go to your local dept of human services and they can get u started in the right direction with getting the help that u need for ur kids exspecially transportation services and they can help u with like promise jobs that would be my best advice but u need to leave the situation before something really bad happens good luck hun!

Melissa - posted on 07/30/2009

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PLEASE - RIGHT AWAY...make your plan...GET OUT...this kind of verbal abuse (if not physical) is damaging to your children, you say you are totally devoted to your children, what are you teaching them by putting up with this abuse?!?!?!?!?! I'm sure they see it, hear it, know SOMETHING is wrong with Mommy.


Find your nearest Domestic Voilence Shelter, I know it may sound HORRIBLE, but let me tell you NO WOMAN (or man) deserves to be treated badly!!!!!


I'm begging you from experience, get yourself and your babies (yes even the older ones are your babies) OUTA THERE!!!!!


I speak from experience. My ex ended up commiting a violent crime against me and not only did I have to deal with that humiliation, I was charged with failure to protect my children.


We stayed a short time in a DV Shelter (not that bad) city bus will transport you...the shelter will help with daycare and transportation for the kids. It's like a community that sticks together, you will get counseling, your kids will be much better off in a healthy happy living environment. Please, keep me posted on how your doing...Melissa

Tammy - posted on 07/30/2009

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You will be suprised what you can do when faced with a situation. You have to get away from the relationship. It is not healthy for your kids and will cause serious emotional issues in the future for them if they continue to live like that. Good-luck to you and God bless you!!

Angela - posted on 07/29/2009

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Please don"t get discouraged. Your situation sounds very difficult, but you have to remind yourself why you can't stop until you get healthy (mentally). It definitely sounds like a bad situation for your kids to be in as well. I don't know if you have any spiritual beliefs, but I am going through a very difficult situation myself. I just keep putting all my faith in HIM and HE is providing. I can't afford to take care of all my bills on my own, now that I have my son (2.5 years), but somehow it always works out. Just stay strong and remember to do it for the kids! So many women go through the same thing all the time, so YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!! GOD bless you and your family!

Sara - posted on 07/29/2009

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Have you checked in with the Battered Womans Task Force? They are connected with the YWCA, and if you have a local church or Rescue Mission, they will take you in without question. There are also Safe Houses for women and families of abusive relationships you can contact the United Way or the BWTF, both can get you counciling, emergency housing, and job training if you need it. I hope this information is helpful and God Bless you and your family

Jessica - posted on 07/28/2009

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I DONT KNOW IF U HAVE EVER CONSIDERED CONTACTING C.A.S.A THEY HELP WOMEN GET OUT OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS THEY HAVE A LOT OF COMMUNITY RESOURCES TO HELP U PROTECT UR KIDS AND RUN DONT WALK AWAY IT DOESNT GET ANY BETTER

Maureen - posted on 07/28/2009

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Get out now. Do not underestimate the possible danger to yourself and your children. Look for local women's shelter. Of will be a safe place for you to pull yourself togther and get a plan.

Lena - posted on 07/28/2009

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I can't tell you what you should do, but just know that there are people out there who have been through it and who have come out of it with their kids and themselves whole and happy.

Sandy - posted on 07/28/2009

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Dig deep and find that strength that is inside you. There is a better life for you and your children out there so don't be afraid to take whatever steps you need to put you and your children in a safer environment. Make good choices, be confident in your choices and be proud of being a good mum - don't put up with anyone putting you down. Even though it seems tough now, it will get better and you will wonder later what held you back.

Jessica - posted on 07/28/2009

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After I kicked out the father of my son when I was 5 months pregnant, I called the Women's Crisis center. They helped me get an order of protection against my ex. I also go to weekly counseling there. And they also donated several items to me that I needed, such as a car seat, several maternity tops, lots of baby clothes, a brand new air conditioner, and a washer and dryer set. I know they also help w/ applying for HUD or other public aid and will assist in seeking job employment.

Don't stay with a man that is abusive to you or your children. People can change, but only if they want to. So until he seeks anger management and drug/alcohol treatment, keep him out of your life. There are so many resources out there for women like you and I.

Kate - posted on 07/27/2009

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I'm a product of that situation,my father was abusive in more ways than one.It still scars me to this day what he did to me and my brother.It wasn't until mom went to churches and temples, along with shelters did we get out. Once she had the money saved and our place, our car even food set up in the new place we left and never looked back. He does NOT want you around,he needs detox you need to get out.If you have to make a blind run when hes at work and go to a shelter.

Kate - posted on 07/27/2009

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go to shelters, go to churches, they help with the problem of transportation, some churches donate to get you out of those situations. no it wont be easy but start squirling money away where he cant get it, put papers and important items away in the same place, when you have enough saved when hes at work leave and go where ur safe. until than stay strong and pray

Sendy - posted on 07/27/2009

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I feel you I was in a similar relationship for 13 years. He talked ugly to me and our kids. I worked nites so, he had to watched the kids. Sometimes, while I was at work he would do things that I did not approved of. Now that he is gone because I could not put up with him and his ways. I feel good and refresh. It feels like the load have been lifted. Even though I have to it by myself, I know that the Lord will see me through all my circumstances. So, my advice to you is to pray and ask God to do the same for you because he is not going to let you fall. He will meet ALL of your needs. You just have to be patient. That is not the easy part. It is not an easy task to raise kids with mere help but with God all things are possible! Be blessed!

Ann - posted on 07/27/2009

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I was in your situation 15 years ago. Believe me he wont stop at abusing you. Your cihldren see and hear whats going on all the time. Get out and give your self and your children a better life. I walked out with nothing and moved 250 miles away from my family and friends. i am now self sufficient and look back and wondered why on earth i put up with it. My children have all turned into brilliant teenagers and dont want to go back as they all remember the abuse. Get out now hun before it totally ruins yours and your kids life.

[deleted account]

I agree w/ the others. Get out as soon as you can. There are resources out there to help you get a fresh start.

Mae - posted on 07/26/2009

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I am not a religious person, and I wont preach to you, so when I say have *Faith*, I mean in yourself. Lean on your Children to help you through this. I agree with the advice to just go. Leave with the clothes on your back. WHat you and your Children are facing is not a healthy environment. Do it for the kids' safety and the safety of your sanity. There are plenty of places that help women in your shoes. You are not alone. Being a single Mom is tough, whether it be with one child or 10, but you can do it. Just have Faith. You have to believe you can do this. And you can. :-)

Candice - posted on 07/25/2009

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your BEST bet is to call a women's shelter. i know, it sounds bad, but trust me...first, they are not as bad as they sound, and second...once you are in the shelter system you have access to tons of resources that women outside the system don't have. they can put you on a fast track for subsidized housing, subsidized daycare, counselling, and all other supports that others have to wait years to get. my friend went through this, and a year later she's doing great. they got her a great apartment in a regular neighborhood and she has good daycare and is on her feet again. the man got supervised visitation only until he could prove he could care for her properly. and to top it off, the counselling helped her feel good about herself as a woman and mother and she now has the most amazing boyfriend.



you may not think you are being abused, but the words he uses ARE abuse and the shelter system can help you.



(we are in ontario canada, by the way.)

Vicki - posted on 07/25/2009

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Things will get better.. Dont let him get you down. Keep looking for work every chance you get. Keep telling yourself that you can do it with out him and that you need to get out of there before something bad happens.. For being a child from an abusive relationship. It can emotionally or physically harm the younger children and can also harm the older ones. Its been 16 years and i am still affected from it. If it truly comes down to it see about going to a women an children shelter or a shelter for abused an battered women they will take you. Im just not sure about the older children. But you do need to get out of the house an relationship.. Before it gets to late. And there is always a place you can turn you just need to look.. There are hot lines you an call, there are websites you can go to, there are people out there that can help you.. If you truly want help then look, ask, or go somewhere. There will be someone that can and will help you. Keep your head up and stay positive for the kids. And for yourself. You keep letting him get to you and you will never be able to do it. So stay positive and keep your head up. And Things will get better...

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