Forcing him to be Daddy!

Ginger - posted on 06/01/2012

If he doesn't care, then your Son is better off not being subjected to that type of disapointment and emotional let down. You can't make a guy care. You energy is better spent finding fun things for you to do with your Son. Any idiot can make a baby, it takes a real man to be a father. So don't worry. Just do what you need to do for your kid and stop waiting for the "Dad" to participate. If he ever decides to help then that is cool, if not at least you and your kid won't be disapointed. If you really need some help to get on your feet just go ahead and ask someone else for help.
It may be hard, but it sounds like you really have tried and that isn't working. So you know you did what you could. Now all you can do is be supportive of any effort he makes and work on making yourself and your Son happy.

Beth - posted on 05/30/2012

With my ex, he had contact with my girls for a short period of time then he stopped sending letters etc.. When my eldest daughter asked about getting him to start writing again I gave a simple answer - 'her Dad is an adult and either can't or won't write back to her. There's very little/nothing I can do as her Dad is an adult.' It was short and sweet. My girls Dad did want to see them after he stopped writing to them, but I said that he had to start from the beginning again and start writing letters, only then would I consider having more contact between the girls and him. Yes I know I didn't allow direct face-to-face contact, but my ex knew/knows that if he wants/wanted direct contact then he had to prove that he could be in long term contact with my girls - even if it was letters to begin with, then to work up to visitations. He didn't/doesn't like that I've put my foot down, but it is in his court - he knows what rules I've put in place for the benefit of my girls.

Happy - posted on 05/30/2012

Yu can not force anybody to do something they do not want to do and he and your son will only despise you if you continue on this path. You need to move on BUT make sure you take him to court for child support!

StrongerMe - posted on 05/29/2012

If you force it, he will only be mean or neglect your son. You can't control what he does...only what you do. I am raising two boys on my own. They are 13 and 14. I've taught them to shave, tie a tie, and gave them the speech about the birds and the bees. Soon I will be teaching them how to drive. Does it suck? Yes. Do I get angry? Yes. But it is what it is. I love them more than anything and that's all that matters. I tell them that their father loves them the best that he can. They seem to understand that it is his issue, and not rejection. (Well, for this most part.)
Let it go. He might come around on his own. If not, its his loss. Little boys are the best!

Lakota - posted on 05/17/2012

You and your son will be ok. I have gone through that also. It will hurt your son more to be around a man who doesn't want to be his father. He will wonder what is wrong with him as to why his own dad doesn't want to be around him. There are many good books out about being a single mom that was very helpful and inspiring to me.

Beth - posted on 05/17/2012

You have tried to get your ex into your son's life. It is now time to let him go (father) and move on with you and your son's lives. It is now up to your ex to show that he's willing to be in his son's life. I'm assuming that he knows how to contact you, so let him decide if he want's to be in his son's life.

The more you push, the more that it could push him away. The only person who is missing out is your son's Father. Work on building a future for you and your son, you will find that there are other father figures out there for your son. The father figure doesn't have to be the biological Dad, it could be his grandfather, an uncle, older cousin. Also when he's older, get your son involved in local activities, especially where there are male leaders/instructors - who'll give him a positive male role models.

When it comes to your son asking about his biological father, you can say that he made his own choice as an adult, not to be involved in your son's life. You tried to get him involved but he couldn't or wouldn't get involved.

Also worth seeking legal advice/guidance on if your ex turns up showing a sudden interest in your son.

As far as your son knowing who his father is - put together any photos you do have of him into a photo album (or similar) with other bits of information. Then when he is older, and old enough to understand, you can fill your son in. Also it means that when he's older, if he wants then he can try and have some sort of contact with his Dad (or at least attempt to), but if and when it gets to that stage, worth getting some professional help/advice to help you and your son with attempting to re-establish contact. At least then, it gives your son the chance when he's older to be aware of his Dad and his existance, even if his Dad remains out of his life.

Deborah - posted on 05/16/2012

If he does'nt want to be involved in his sons life you can't make him, your son is not missing anything, my children were 2 & 3 when there dad last saw them and for a long time I struggled that they were missing out on something and that they had a right to know their father. but in truth they have'nt missed out on any thing as they would of only learnt that their dad was unreliable and constantly letting them down. I did'nt ever want to see my children distraught everytime at last min.com he would'nt turn up which is what they would of had. thats not something i wanted in their life. you said you tx him every week and that he does not reply, do you want that for your son, he's dad is the one who will miss out on those moments he will never get back, the 1st steps, 1st tooth, 1st day at school, 1st chrismas panto, and all the events in he's sons life that he will miss and will never get back. I felt all those things when my childrens dad stopped being part of there lives but I'm not responsible for he's actions, I've never made it and issue that he has not being around for my children and they are no worse off that he has'nt been. Enjoy every part of your sons life and if when he's older he does want to see he's dad sit down and explain it to him then, if he still wants to see him you will have to decide yourself what you feel will be best at that time,

Bobbi - posted on 05/03/2012

You cant make him be a dad. Find positive male influence for him (grandpa, uncle, male friend) and move on with your life. You are only hurting yourself by trying to push this issue. in the long run all it will do is hurt your son and cause lots of anger and pain for you. Get child support and live your life for your son, he will grow up stronger for it.

Ashlie - posted on 04/25/2012

Honestly it will eventually hurt your child more to be trying to "force" someone into his life. If his father doesn't want to be around or shows effort then it's best to leave it be. I know this is way easier said than done, but I had to learn this lesson the hardest way possible. My son is now almost 4, for the last and a half I have had to deal with hearing my son cry for awhile almost nightly and have nightmares because of the lack of involvement his dad has had. It has actually been an entire year since my son even spoke to or saw his father. He was only in his life for a short time and in the short time my son got very attached, as is normal. When he just decided to not be around and stopped showing up it broke my son's heart. I was a horrible thing to have to watch and have no way to fix it. I was the one that had always called his dad and I was the one that made him "want to be there" he never asked to see him or have him. He never called to see how he was doing and since I stopped trying to get him to step up and be a dad I have not gotten any contact from him. Honestly now that my son has come to terms with the situation our lives are better than they ever were! Having a dead beat father in the picture will only hurt your child when he gets old enough to know what is going on. Hope that my story helps you a little bit.

Alisha - posted on 04/19/2012

Have you asked him if he want to be involved and if not, why? It definitely comes to a point where you can never force someone to wan5 to be a dad, its not your job to make him make time for your child. You can and should definitely explain to him how hurt you are by his decisions and that your son will suffer but ultimately the 'dad' can only control his actions, you cant and you are not responsible for what he does. If I were you, I'd let the dad know you want him involved but he is going to have to make the effort and contact you. Then, you need to not expect much and just take care of you and your son. Maybe you can write a letter for your child that he can read when he's older explaining that you really wanted his dad in his life and that you would never want to keep his dad from him just so that your son holds no resentment towards you in case his dad never comes around. Thats tough! Does the dads parents want to be involved?

Heather - posted on 04/18/2012

You can't make someone be a daddy. Being a real father takes more than DNA and if this man chooses not to be a part of his son's life, then you have to accept that. Focus on being the best mom that you can be, file for child support, and find your own happiness. He will have to answer for his behavior when his son comes knocking on his door late in life. Maybe you'll meet a man who wants to be a father, but you can't make it happen.
My daughter is 6 and her father chose not to be a part of her life. She has a picture of him, but I leave it at that. I am not tracking him down to try and make him be a part of her life, he made his decision. She's the best thing to happen to me and I am just thankful to have her. She knows she has a mother who loves her and that's what matters most.

Louise - posted on 04/15/2012

Write this man a letter every now and again enclosing a photo and leave it at that. He does not want to step up and be a father and forcing him to do so will not make a good relationship between a resentful father and a needing son. Show your son a picture of his father, he will be content with that for now as he has known no difference.

Look to the future and not the past, maybe there is a better father for your son just around the corner.

Ashley - posted on 04/14/2012

You want him involved but the thing is if he dosent want to be he isint going to be a good role model to your son. I would not concider him daddy personly. And you keep trying what happens in four years after you have done it alone and he decides he wants half custady would you be ok with that. Get full custady paperwork in hand, then start living your life with out hhim in it if or when he decides he's missing out you can decide what is best for your son. I also do not beleive your week infact in can be a lot harder on you to continue being shut down seing your little man sad trying to do what you think is best, But sometimes being left alone can make you think try it for awhile.