how do i deal with the mistress

Dana - posted on 06/09/2009 ( 22 moms have responded )

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thought i had a near perfect life with a not so perfect husband. we dated to 7 yrs and were married 4 yrs when i found out he suddenly wanted a divorce. then there was the other woman, the lies, etc. we have been separated for 2 yrs and are now in the process of the divorce. he will never admit that he has a g/f even though everyone knows he does-she now coincidently lives in the same apt complex to boot- HMMMM? people see him with her all the time. anyway, i know as soon as we are legally divorced he won't have any problem admitting to the relationship. my fear is with my daughter. i am sickened at the fact that the mistress will be introduced and she will act as a mother figure toward my daughter when i just want to rip her eyes out. it's one thing to have a step-parent, but it's a whole other can of worms when the step-parent is the woman the father cheated with. i need some serious advice as i have no idea how to deal with this, at all.

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Michelle - posted on 08/25/2010

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I went through this as well and as hard as it seems the reality of this world is that once you are divorced you have no say in who he is with. My ex and I seperated 9 years ago barely a year after my son was born because of the woman he is still with today. because she is not a bad person and is not harming my child he has every right to introduce her to my child yes I was angry at first very angry but as I said that was 9 years ago the pain fades I met someone else who is a far better father to my son then his bio dad and I can see clearly that we would have never made it work even if he hadn't cheated I needed a man who was ready to be a grown up and his father needed a mom. So yes you are angry but take the high road for your child they will respect you more and love you for not making them feel guilty over any relationship they chose to have with dads gf. I know it's hard so good luck

Steffany - posted on 06/14/2009

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Girls ..here is a new thing...and it might mean that you would all have to GROW UP...accept the "other woman". If you are respectful and social with the "other woman" it will be a lot easier for ALL of you. Come to the realization that your partner no longer loved you and moved on...so you move on too. Tell your EX that you are not angry..and that you forgive him and accept the other woman. Also it is not the other womans fault, it is the husbands ONLY the husbands. You can not prevent someone from cheating. They have to want to stay with you. Why in the world would you want someone if they didn't want you?? Dana how about you go knock on her door..and tell her its ok for her to take care of your daughter. The only reason you want to rip her eyes out is because you feel that YOU are jealous of her. She may not be better..just more of what he was looking for.

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Cara - posted on 09/25/2012

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Patricia,

Legally you cannot keep the kids away from

your ex and unfortunately you have no control

over who he brings them around. If you have a

court order that says his visitation is such & such

and you withhold the children you look like the

bad guy to the court you look like the person who

can't be trusted to abide by the orders and guess what

full custody can be taken from you and given to the ex

who is living with it! Also the court can care less if your

husband cheated on you can care LESS if you were

pregnant DOES NOT consider it at all NICE HUH

Patricia - posted on 09/24/2012

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told my partner that if he got some one else was a bit more straight forward than that i would fight him tooth and nail to keep it away from my kids and i will be the ex wife from hell

Cara - posted on 09/23/2012

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It will get better everyone needs to know that!

I am of the belief everything happens for

a reason and sometimes people suck, but

not all people think of only themselves! The

only way to get through I have found is love

your children love yourself learn from it talk

about it to your friends and take some time to

to be alone... I have been trying to work

on me (No it is not our fault we were

cheated on) but I have had this happen

twice and I will someday find a person

Who deserves me and will be a good

person and so will all of us! Keep your

chin up show everyone the strength

within and you will see that light at the

end of the tunnel!

Bethany - posted on 09/22/2012

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I am going thru pretty much the same thing ... And have been feeling n thinking the same as u ... I don't have much help or advice for u ... just wanted to say hopefully with time things will get better .... Wish u all the best

Cara - posted on 09/22/2012

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I am going through the same thing right now. Found out my husband was cheating when our second daughter was 6 weeks old! It is not only the husband to blame this was his co worker who knew I had a 2 yr old and was pregnant and this woman chose to engage in an affair rather then say go home to your pregnant wife! My children are now 2 & 4 our divorce just finalized. He has been living with this old lady (he is 32 she is 54) for over a yr and of course lying about it and now he is bringing the girls over their house! Unfortunately there is nothing we can do about it! So let's just hope it is not confusing the hell out of our young children. It really hurts like a knife in the back... I have no feelings for him but just the thought of a woman who saw nothing wrong with texting him a naked picture of herself on mothers day (we were still married and I didn't know yet) being around my children makes me sick to my stomach ..... I am trying to teach my girls to be ladies and they are being exposed to trash!

Julie - posted on 08/25/2010

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You don't 'deal with teh mistress' - you tell HIM "Good-bye"
Did he not take a vow to love you and you ALONE?
He repeatedly breaks that contract - the marriage contract ebing the most important of all - so why stay?

Bonnie - posted on 06/14/2009

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Yeah this woman was talking about wether or not she should allow her ex overnite visits and she came on told us all we were idiots and get over it among other things, it was on i think the single moms board.

[deleted account]

Quoting Bonnie:

Thank you Theresa for saying what I had been trying to say to her. She had an even worse one calling all single moms stupid. Again thanks.



Seriously?!  On a message board for single moms?!  That is MESSED up! :( 

[deleted account]

Hey Dana,
Hang in there. I am going through it too, and know how you feel. I hate that the gfriend has an influence on my kids. The less I say to my ex the better because if I complain about it she is just around them more, like she's trying to prove they like her. I think as long as she is nice to them then I am going to have to suck it up, even though I still hate it. The kids are not crazy about her and eventually he will move on to someone else anyway. The kids will know you are the stable one in time and respect you for it.

Bonnie - posted on 06/14/2009

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Thank you Theresa for saying what I had been trying to say to her. She had an even worse one calling all single moms stupid. Again thanks.

[deleted account]

Quoting Steffany:

Girls ..here is a new thing...and it might mean that you would all have to GROW UP...accept the "other woman". If you are respectful and social with the "other woman" it will be a lot easier for ALL of you. Come to the realization that your partner no longer loved you and moved on...so you move on too. Tell your EX that you are not angry..and that you forgive him and accept the other woman. Also it is not the other womans fault, it is the husbands ONLY the husbands. You can not prevent someone from cheating. They have to want to stay with you. Why in the world would you want someone if they didn't want you?? Dana how about you go knock on her door..and tell her its ok for her to take care of your daughter. The only reason you want to rip her eyes out is because you feel that YOU are jealous of her. She may not be better..just more of what he was looking for.



I was coming up w/ all kinds of things to say to you, but my computer is super slow, so most of my anger has waned.  You sound a lot like the chick that started screwing my husband when I was 7 months pregnant.  Yeah, she didn't make him cheat, but ANY woman that would knowingly inflict that type of pain on the mother of my children and be a willing participant in helping to destroy my children's family is NOT a woman that will be involved in my children's lives.  My soon to be ex knows how I feel about her and that is why he has only seen his children once in the past year.  Completely by HIS choice.  I have never and will never keep him away from them, but he'd not only rather be w/ her than me... he'd also rather be w/ her than THEM and that is unacceptable.  Period.



 



I think if you are more into attacking the women here instead of being supportive of them trying to deal w/ very real and very painful situations. than you just need to shut up.  Maybe I was wrong about my anger waning......



 



Hang in there Dana!

[deleted account]

Quoting Steffany:

Girls ..here is a new thing...and it might mean that you would all have to GROW UP...accept the "other woman". If you are respectful and social with the "other woman" it will be a lot easier for ALL of you. Come to the realization that your partner no longer loved you and moved on...so you move on too. Tell your EX that you are not angry..and that you forgive him and accept the other woman. Also it is not the other womans fault, it is the husbands ONLY the husbands. You can not prevent someone from cheating. They have to want to stay with you. Why in the world would you want someone if they didn't want you?? Dana how about you go knock on her door..and tell her its ok for her to take care of your daughter. The only reason you want to rip her eyes out is because you feel that YOU are jealous of her. She may not be better..just more of what he was looking for.



I was coming up w/ all kinds of things to say to you, but my computer is super slow, so most of my anger has waned.  You sound a lot like the chick that started screwing my husband when I was 7 months pregnant.  Yeah, she didn't make him cheat, but ANY woman that would knowingly inflict that type of pain on the mother of my children and be a willing participant in helping to destroy my children's family is NOT a woman that will be involved in my children's lives.  My soon to be ex knows how I feel about her and that is why he has only seen his children once in the past year.  Completely by HIS choice.  I have never and will never keep him away from them, but he'd not only rather be w/ her than me... he'd also rather be w/ her than THEM and that is unacceptable.  Period.



 



I think if you are more into attacking the women here instead of being supportive of them trying to deal w/ very real and very painful situations. than you just need to shut up.  Maybe I was wrong about my anger waning......



 



Hang in there Dana!

Angela - posted on 06/13/2009

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I'm not married but I do have 2 kids of whom I dated their father off and on for 141/2 years. The reaction to other women when you have children is going to be defensive and you may want to do some bodily harm to them. For me personally I think that's a normal feeling. Keep your baby as far from the whinch as you can. Fight with all of might, but you have to be careful not to ruin your daughter's relationship with her father. I hope that I helped soothed your aching heart some. I'm speaking as a women with children and having the experience of facing other women that may possibly have contact with someone that you can't stand. May God Bless and I hope you work it out.

Bonnie - posted on 06/13/2009

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I'm going through it too. We weren't married though. He moved in with another woman 3 days after he left and of course wouldn't admit it. Took me to court for custody because I wouldn't let him bring my daughter around this woman. Every time he picks my daughter up I know that she is with this woman it is like a knife right through my heart. I don't want my daughter having any one else but me especially not the woman that split her family up. She is and will be my only child and i'm very close to her and hate being away from her at all. He is never happy with anything. It's only been 2 weeks since court and he's already unhappy with the visitation arrangement and blaming me. The only thing that I can do is just not speak to him at all because it ends up in a fight because I'm so angry. He didn't give me or my daughter time to adjust to him being gone before he shoves this woman in our faces and I'm afraid i'm not dealing very well either. Lately my sister has had to make the exchanges for me because we fight and it's not good for her and I can't help myself. The only thing that keeps me going is that what comes around goes around and they will get theirs someday. Good luck. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better it's just going to take a long time.

Ashley - posted on 06/13/2009

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Honestly I know exactly how you feel. My son's father and I dated for like 4 months and I got pregnant with my son after only being with is father for only a month. He and I were doing great til he got this new job and then he met this girl who is was only 17 at the time. And he started cheating on me with her. They ended up getting married a month and 2 days before I had my son. At first he said that Gabe wasn't his and we had a paternity test done and results came back that Gabe was his. Anyways,,, He is still with this girl and I can't stand her. I don't want my son to be around her for the fact is that I don't know her and I don't know what could happen when my son is over there. But the only thing that you can do to deal with all this is to just look at your little girl and be thankfull that you have her. That at least he did one thing right and gave you a beautifull little girl. And writing or talking to ppl really does help out.

Eugenia - posted on 06/10/2009

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just be glad that she isnt mean to em i know i am going to have to deal with my kids father and his wife and his wife hates my gutts just because we have a kid together she trys to get me to agure with her in front of my son and i wont do it there for she said i am being a chicken when really i am just thinking of my son and how it is going to affect him i believe in krama and it will bite her in the butt

Eugenia - posted on 06/10/2009

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just be glad that she isnt mean to em i know i am going to have to deal with my kids father and his wife and his wife hates my gutts just because we have a kid together she trys to get me to agure with her in front of my son and i wont do it there for she said i am being a chicken when really i am just thinking of my son and how it is going to affect him i believe in krama and it will bite her in the butt

Dana - posted on 06/10/2009

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that just made me feel so good, thank you sooooo much, bobbi. i will need some SUPER strength from God, though!

Bobbi - posted on 06/09/2009

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I had the same exact issue, except the gf moved in as a 'roommate' after I found out about them. My honest advice? Do nothing, except show your child all the love and support you possibly can. I really struggled with her being in the same town let alone the same house as my kids, but the truth came out about them in the worst way and because I chose not to react or behave negatively, my children are stronger and love and respect their mother far more than if I had freaked out and tried to come between them and her.She ended up turning my children against her all by herself after she got too comfortable and treated my kids unfairly in comparison to hers. It works out in the end, believe me. If you are a Christian girl, just pray blessings over them both. It has the same effect as pouring hot coals over their heads. Best of luck, and please keep moving forward!!! You are the winner in this picture!!

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