HOW DO I LET HIM KNOW HIS FATHER IS A JERK?????

[deleted account] ( 81 moms have responded )

MY SON SITS AND WAITS FOR HIM TO COME. I KNOW HE'S NOT COMING BUT I TRY NOT TO SAY THE BAD THINGS ABOUT HIS SORRY ASS FATHER CAUSE I THINK HE'LL LOOK AT ME AS THE BAD ONE. HE SHOWS UP EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS I WISH HE WOULD JUST STAY AWAY BECAUSE IT HURTS TO SEE MY SON HURT. MY SON IS 11 AND I'M TRYING TO LET HIM MAKE THE DECISION NOT TO SEE HIM HIMSELF SO IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE I'M STOPPING THEM FROM HAVING A RELATIONSHIP BUT HE DISSAPOINTS MY SON EVERY TIME HOW MUCH MORE AM I SUPPOSE TO TAKE

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Danielle - posted on 07/14/2009

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Yeah, everyone seems to be doing what I would have suggested. Unfortunately, you can't always prevent your children from being hurt...(except maybe physically) all the time. Which is hard for a mother. I truly believe that you CANNOT paint a negative picture of the father of your child-no matter how tempting it is. They will inevitably blame you for keeping them away from their dad--that's just the way it is.



If the father is irresponsible and negligent, the child will come to realize that, eventually.



You have to also make room for the possibility that the father could mature and CHANGE his ways. A once deadbeat dad can become the most affectionate, loving and present father, in the nick of time. There's always a chance that the relationship between father and child can be salvaged. It's not up to us as moms to police the relationship that is to develop between fathers and their kids.



So, it does suck now...but you never know. Even if it doesn't change, one day, it'll be the dad waiting on the steps for your child and your child will simply not be there because they no longer desire to deal with the man. Our children won't always be little. You know?

Tricia - posted on 07/13/2009

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I know exactly what you are going through. My son is almost 11 and his father has been in and out of jail for the last 5 years. It is very hard to watch him hurt your baby. You wish they would fall off the face of the planet after all things are better when they are not around. Truth is you have to let your son see it on his own. If you are the one who keeps his father away he will resent you and you will be the one who looks like the bad guy. What I have always told Caleb is your dad must be dealing with alot right now and is making some really bad decisions adults do that sometimes and I try to reassure him that his dad loves him and no matter what mommy will always be there. Even though I want to say your dad is an a double snakes and only cares about himself. Hope this helps good luck. Hang in there he will respect you for always being around.

Caroline - posted on 09/04/2009

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My daughters father would do the same thing to her, and it killed me everytime. I used to make excuses for him, but there comes a time when there are no more excuses. My daughter has not seen her father since she was five, she is twelve now (his choice). I stopped making excuses for him, and when she would ask, my answer would be the truth, "I don't know why he did'nt come". I have never said a bad thing about her father to her, and I let her make up her own mind about him. I took a long time, but now she has no interest in seeing him, because she had figured out on her own that he finds other things more important. I have explained to her that her dad has some issues that he needs to deal with, and until he does, that he will probably continue to be the way he is (my relationship with him was abusive, he could be quite nasty). She remembers some of it. It really is hard to see them go through it, but as long as they know they can count on you, the rest will eventually fall into place. You can be honest with your son without going into a lot of detail, and he will eventually see his father for who he is. Just be there for him, believe me it means so much to them to know that you are there, and that you love them. When dad disappionts him and does not show up, find something special that the two of you can do to take his mind off it. Even if it is only for a short time. Good luck, and I know it is hard for him, but he will be ok as long as he has you!

Mae - posted on 07/26/2009

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I know every child reacts differently in every situation. My Daughter is now 9. She is incredibly perceptive, and inquisitive. The last time her *Sperm Donor* came around was over 4 years ago. He said he wanted to be around...blah blah blah....I told him, that my first and foremost job is to protect her, and that meant in my eyes that since I knew he would pull his disappearing act again, that he would get to know her as a family friend instead of just walking in and sayin*Hey I am your (wannabe) Daddy!* I told him that if he stuck around long enough while doing this that I would eventually let him work his way into the *Daddy* roll he sooo doesnt deserve. Well of course he blew it. I am glad I made that choice not to introduce this PERSON into her life for such a short time. I told him my reasoning was that he wasnt going to be the one to hold her while she cried and asked questions about why he didnt want her anymore. I have always been open and honest with my Daughter about him. I dont talk bad about him - when she is around - and I answer every question truthfully, yet I may not give all the details. I know that she will make her own decisions about him. Heck she already has. The only thing I can say to do, is be patient. Keep an open line of communication with your son. Answer all of his questions about his *Father*, and let him know that he can always talk to you. It will make that transition into reality easier if he knows you are right beside him. When his *Father* doesnt show up, comfort him, and just let him know you are there. I have no idea if my daughter is going to rebel, or God knows what when she is older because of this mess, but after 9 years and she knows that Mommy is her pillar to lean on and talk to, I hope I made a bond tight enough that not even the IDIOT can break. Good luck to you, best wishes, and just keep your head up. In some wierd twisted way, it will be ok.

Sara - posted on 07/21/2009

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My son just turned 12 and we have dealt with the same thing for years. My advice is just say your sorry when he gets disappointed, but DO NOT EVER bad mouth his father. He will figure it out, but you don't want to cause anger at you in this situation. It's rough, and my heart goes out to you guys. I've held my son while he's crying and asking what he did that made his Dad not love him. He now tells his Dad not to bother coming for him because he doesn't want to see him. I let him know that I will never butt into their relationship unless there is a safety concern, but support his decisions.

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Rosemary - posted on 04/26/2013

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Sorry to hear what you are going through. Just to let you know either way whether we let them know the truth about their father or you cover up, it affects them later in life. The truth will come out and they will be devastated to learn that their father is a jerk. It breaks my heart to hear my college age son raging about how mad he is at his father and how he lost the father he thought he had. When reality hits it's a huge blow to the relationship and the one who gets damaged by it will be your son. I tried telling him small things when he was younger but always viewed it as MY struggle with this father until now. His father is treating him as bad as he treated me and he can't deal with the conflict of emotions he has for his Dad. He hates him but that's his father who he thought could do him no harm. This struggle came about when his father moved to his college town and insisted on my son moving in with him (it was all about the money). Two months into living with him, he destroyed him and I am the one left to put the pieces together for the last year. All the work I did to raise a healthy both mentally and physically health son was destroyed in a matter of months. It breaks my heart...but I will fight to get him back to himself. I feel that JERK fathers should just disappear as difficult as that would be for my son...the situation of being exposed to his father has horrible consequences.

Kathleen - posted on 10/09/2011

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I'm so sorry! I am looking at the same situation for my son in the not so distant future, it's just starting for us. I keep my mouth shut. I won't lie or make excuses. I have said Honey..I just don't know but we can ask your daddy. Wyatt is 5 1/2 and a smart kid, he's already calling him out on ocassion for some of his excuses. Kids will see the truth for themselves. All we can do as loving moms is love and support them the best we can. If we try to stop visits to protect them then we'll be made the bad guy. Best of luck!

Patricia - posted on 10/09/2011

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I sooooooooo feel you on this! My son has an asshole for a father. I used to make excuses for him, but after years of broken promises and lies, I let my son find out on his own his dad is an asshole and my son hates his father and refuses to contact him or talk to him when we get the "once every few months phone calls".
Talk to your son about the disappointment. It's ok for your son to be pissed and not want to see or talk to his bio-dad. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk about it. My son is 12 so I really know what you're going through since our boys are so close in age.

Ashley - posted on 10/14/2009

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My dad didn't raise me, and I didn't even know who he was until I was 11 years old. Still to this day my mother bad talks him to me and as I was growing up told me many lies to push a wedge between my father and I. Even though the situation is not the same, I would never recommend bad mouthing your sons father, even though you know he is a POS never say that to your child.. it could back-fire and be thrown in your face. Go about it a more calm way.. and let your son make his own decisions and opinions about his father. He will see the light eventually.

Stephanie - posted on 09/24/2009

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That is a tuff situation and I completly understand how you are feeling but you are doiign the right thing by not ragging his father out to him. But I also think that you should sit down and and have a talk with your son and try to explain to him pieces of the situation he will understand and respect you for being honest with him but not brutal about his father

[deleted account]

I try not to ever talk bad about my childrens part time daddy. I have told him dont tell the kids your coming if your not. Its gotten better with the kids cause now he tells me that hes planning on coming to get them for the weekend. That way when he doesnt show up the kids didnt even know that they were about to be disappointed. Hes not as bad as some kids dads, he does show up most of the time. Its hard as a mother to see your children disappointed, but give them time they will see the truth. My daughter used to hold her daddy up on a pedestal, but now that she has gotten older I think she sees him for what he is. Its a tough situation, cause inside your cussing him out calling him all kinds of names for hurting your child, but on the outside you know that you dont want to say anything negative about him cause you know its going to make your child feel even worse. I love my kids and I hate seeing them hurt or disappointed. It makes me want to grab him by the neck and shake the crap out of him.

[deleted account]

I try not to ever talk bad about my childrens part time daddy. I have told him dont tell the kids your coming if your not. Its gotten better with the kids cause now he tells me that hes planning on coming to get them for the weekend. That way when he doesnt show up the kids didnt even know that they were about to be disappointed. Hes not as bad as some kids dads, he does show up most of the time. Its hard as a mother to see your children disappointed, but give them time they will see the truth. My daughter used to hold her daddy up on a pedestal, but now that she has gotten older I think she sees him for what he is. Its a tough situation, cause inside your cussing him out calling him all kinds of names for hurting your child, but on the outside you know that you dont want to say anything negative about him cause you know its going to make your child feel even worse. I love my kids and I hate seeing them hurt or disappointed. It makes me want to grab him by the neck and shake the crap out of him.

Jill - posted on 09/22/2009

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It is a very sad situation and i would NEVER recommened telling your child negative things about his father, he will figure it out . We would love to sheild our children from all the hurt will posibly can but reality is we can't! You can only do what you can this is when you need to , have the conversation with your child let him talk bite your tounge and try to understand why he still holds hope. In time he will make up his own mind all you can do is continue to love and provide for your child. Life will have disapointment and i know it breaks your heart. Keep doing a great job and he will be fine!

Tina-Marie - posted on 09/18/2009

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I don't know what state you live in but most states at 12 years of age they can say they don't want anything to do with the absent parent. I have 2 different fathers (married both times) don't get child support from either. My first split when our children were 2,1 and 6 months, haven't seen him since. They hate him but it because they have made up their own minds. I don't approve of the bad talk but I allow them to express their feelings in concstructive manners. My last two are 8 and 5 my older is a girl and she doesn't talk about him any more she just doesn't care. My youngest was only 2 weeks old when we seperated, he asks where he is and why he isn't here. I just tell him that he is in florida and that he just needed to do other things right now. I don't bad mouth in front of my children they hate their father's all on their own.
wish i could tell you it gets easier but let him make up his own mind and look into state age limit for parental visitation. and always let your son know it is his dad's loss not his!! god bless and good luck

Samantha - posted on 09/18/2009

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You dont need to let him know he is a jerk. your son has already figured that part out. his father is missing out, and your son will come to understand that.

Theresa - posted on 09/18/2009

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I agree with all that has been said already. He will be the loser when his child wants nothing to do with him. My daughter has written her father out of her life, my son I am sure with do the same thing. You have to let them decide for themselves.

Opal - posted on 09/16/2009

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my children have an asshole of a father that does the same thing he will make them promises and never deliver at first i would be so angry then a very wise woman told me that eventually they will see from themselves that he isnt someone they can rely on and you know what she was right now everytime he says i promise im gonna the first thing they say when they hang up the phone is unless he is sitting in my driveway on that date im not gonna hold my breathe they are three of the strongest and courageous people i know so in the very wise words of my mother let him make the decision and let him bury himself with the promises that never get kept your not the bad guy he is sit back and watch your son will know that eventually he isnt someone he can depend on and you are

Karen - posted on 09/12/2009

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Unfortunately, you don't.



He'll figure it out himself. Continue to love him and support him thru it. God Bless

[deleted account]

I have been there!! Many times my daughters have been disappointed by their father. My oldest is almost 13 and she learned on her own about her dad through his own actions. She now wants very little, if anything, to do with her father My 8 year old is slowly learning too. She is becoming less and less interested in him. I made sure to let them know that it wasn't their faults....their dad was an adult who made his own decisions and choices. I held them when they cried and told them that they were loved very much. They will, in time, learn on their own.

Brittany - posted on 09/05/2009

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My father was the same way. My mom would never say anything negative about him to me. She would only say "He loves you the best he can." I always rolled my eyes cuz I knew he was a dick. Now that I am an adult I am incredibly thankful for the way she handled the situation. She never lied cuz that really was the best he could love me. When I became an adult and it was obvious that I had formed an opinion about him on my own then she finally admitted that yeah he is a dick. Now we laugh about it.

Kim - posted on 09/05/2009

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I think everyone pretty much cover it. When I was growin up my mom splitwith my dad but she never talked bad about him,when I had kids she told me once "you never talk bad about the kid father, that is something they will find out on their own" and I find this especially true. I like the moms suggestion of a backup plan, but I also think even though we don't like it we should also have a dialog with the other parent (we didn't have the child by ourselves) and let them know that he needs to be on time because you have thngs to do even if you don't.When they tell the child they are coming the child hastowait which ties up your time also.

Heather - posted on 07/27/2009

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I know what ur going throu, My 2 oldest boys who are 9 and 8 love their father to death but he is in and out of jail and he would rather buy drugs then be a dad and when i tell them "hey guys dad cant come this weekend bc..... *got to come up with a reason*" IM the bad guy.My 9yr old is like IF U DIDNT LEAVE HIM WE WOULD STILL SEE HIM EVERYDAY.But how do u tell him well if ur dad would STOP doing drugs or stay out of jail u could see him. My 2 younger childrens father has steped up and he thinks of them like they are his so it does help NOW. But u got to keep tellin ur self ONE DAY HE WILL SEE WHO HAS AND WHO HASNT BEEN AROUND.Also breathing helps Having ppl to vent to and i dont mean the ones who is like yea i kno but really dont. Hang in there and just kno wat u r doing is the right thing

Brandy - posted on 07/26/2009

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i can tell you from both points of view its a really hard amtter. my dad was a dead beat and mom would try to tell me. she was never mean about it but she was trying to tell me the truth but i wouldnt hear it. in my ,inds eye she was just mad. as a mother now and having to deal with the same situation i think its best to not say anything really. they have to learn on there own what there father is like and as he learns just be there for him and comfort him. my oldest son now 15 discovered the truth by age 10 my second now almost 14 stil falls for all the tricks and excuses and still thinks the world of there dad. and time and time again the SOB will let him down and hurt him but he is starting to figure it out. but if you talk bad about his dad or try to even to tell him how is dad is then you ll be the bad guy.

Brandy - posted on 07/24/2009

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Oh wow!! Whatever you do don't talk down about his dad to or around him...no matter how much his father deserves to suffer. The only thing doing this will accomplish is turning him from you and more towards his father...trust me I know. I've seen this and experienced it!! I know that my mom would pack my weekend bag on the weekends my father was supposed to show up to get me but wouldn't let me see it or tell me he was supposed to be coming. This way I had my bag ready to go if he did show up but didn't know he was coming until he got there. I used to think that was a bad idea when I found out years later but looking back it really did help. Try your best to be there for your son and pull his father to the side and explain to him what he's doing to your child. Let him know just how much he's tearing him up inside and that you're not going to let him keep hurting him like that anymore. Let him know that he needs to grow up and make the decision to either be a real father or step aside to spare your son from anymore pain. Above all continue to be there for your son...as he gets older and more mature he will look bad and remember all the times his father has let him down and then he'll make the decision on his own wether to allow him to continue being a part of his life or not. He'll thank you when he's older and makes that decision and during that time he'll also be thankful of the relationship the two of you have been able to build during the years and remember all the times you were there for him when his father wasn't.

Amanda - posted on 07/24/2009

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my daughters went though the samething with their dad, it takes time but i asure you your son will realize that his dad is not there for him, and he is a jerk and then he will not want to see him you just have to wait, but you must never say bad things about him your very right or your son will think its your folt his dad dosent come, you just have to be there for your son everytime he is dissapointed to pick up the peices, i know how hurd this is for you my 2 girls went though it for 16 years in total, but they turned out really well, and have no time for their father now even though he wants to see them now, so you see you only reep what you sow, good luck xx

ALDRIENE - posted on 07/24/2009

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I know it must hurt u to see your child hurting, but i think you must always be there for him no matter what. Let him know that you will never disappoint him and that you love him.

User - posted on 07/23/2009

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My little girl is 4 and hasn't seen or met her dad, he left when I was pregnant and hasn't asked to see her. Hist family still lives in the same city as we do and he has visited and stayed in town at least a dozen times. My daughter has two uncles and a papa in her life and thats what she needs. She says she doesn't need a daddy cause she has the best mommy in the world..... She knows that not everyone has a mommy and a daddy so she is content with things just being us,,,,, She says she loves not having to share me or be shared,,,,

Heather - posted on 07/23/2009

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well i went thru this with my son who is now 15, i know it is hard not to bad talk the dad but soon your son will come to realize this, let him be the one to come and say mom dad is ............ don't do it he may only resent u

Nada - posted on 07/23/2009

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He'll figure it out on his own, in his own time..

Just try to be there for him when he is disappointed and hurt.

HUGS to you, this must be so hard for you & your son.. Good luck =)

Candace - posted on 07/22/2009

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I went through the exact same story. As my kids are now late teens, early twenties, I'm glad I held my tongue. I wanted to tell them that their dad was a worthless ass, but I didn't, and I'm glad. They will find out on their own - believe me. And then you aren't the "bad guy" for bad-mouthing their dad. You will be the one they come to, and that is the most important by far. He simply will miss out on the joy of being a father and your children will know. They really will. hang in there.

Christa - posted on 07/22/2009

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Girl, been there! You don't say anything. He will figure it outon his own. If you do it, he may resent you. I have 3 boys and after their dad not showing up a few times, and me making an excuse like "he must be working", my oldest, who was 11 at the time said mom.....don't defend him he is just an ass!!! I was never so proud :)

Kim - posted on 07/22/2009

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Girrrlllll.let me tell you something.. My son is 13. His dad was locked up most of his life and has been in it for 5 yrs now after missing 8. I wasnt trying to take him to a state pen for him to bond.. hell no,you had the chance. He comes around here and there they talk on xbox live a few nights a week...but no bonding.. I flat out told my son his dad was an ass and what happened.. Didnt believe me at first...now he sees for himself...Don't ever lie...they have to answer to them sooner or later. And his dad knows I dont play. He pays support...but I dont want himturning his back again..I said its your 2nd chance get it right..works for them here and there. But he sees know that I wasn't lying about him. Hope it helps.

Angela - posted on 07/21/2009

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you gotta talk your son and simply ask him what he wants to do!
If he wants to wait then let him but just know that you've been doing an excellent job picking up the pieces so that your son feels loved & appreciated. Tell his dad to shape up or ship out because he's only causing pain to his son and that's not fair, he's 11 and doesn't need anyone lying to him.

Lisa - posted on 07/21/2009

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I feel for you. Hopefully your son is learning a very valuable lesson of what kind of father he doesn't want to become. As much as a looser his father is he still is his father and kids love their dads. He knows who the stable parent is. Just continue to be there for him.

Christie - posted on 07/21/2009

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I had this issue for years..I did not have to tell my kids anything as they got older they realized it on their own and then when they came to me we had a serious sit down talk where they vented and I just gave them enough info to understand. Sometimes things just work out on their own.

Lori - posted on 07/21/2009

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My son is only 1. I anm goin thru the same thing.His FaTHER IS A PIECE OF SHIT!!!
everything is all about excuses.His father has an authority problem as well.In/out of jail for yrs now.The situation does suck.I keep asking advice from my frenz, and they all say the same thing....TAKE HIS SORRY ASS TO AND FILE CHiLD SUPPORT!!!
I agree...to an extent.I am not real sure I want that kind of influence , not to mention disappointment around him.I am only at the beginning too.He walked out only 3 mos after he was born.I refuse to allow him in my son's life, after all he has put us thru in the past 10 mos.....buy he is his father.not soo sure what to do myself.

Kathy - posted on 07/21/2009

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You can't. my daughter's counselor basically says to call him out for it in a kind way such as father's are supposed too bad your dad wasn’t here to see you play so good (this helps them know it’s not them that caused them to leave) and empathize with him I bet it hurts when he doesn’t show up huh. If you can relate in any way do (it was hard for me when my dad left on trips. Etc.) And remind him that it has nothing to do with him. It’s not normal for fathers to not be involved. He figure it out someday if you bad mouth him he will only hate you for it.

Precious - posted on 07/21/2009

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With every situation it's different. I have three kids for my ex-husband and we lived for some years before splitting up so my two older of the three kids saw most of what used to happened. Nothing violent like physical abuse or shouting but his neglecting us when it came to money and things we needed. Necessary for living. Then when we seperated it continued in the form of him not spending time with them or sending money for them. my kids are now 8, 10 & 12. Even though a part of them misses him they came to find out how much of a jerk their father can be by his actions towards them. They also asked questions that I answered truthfully but aged appropriate that helped them coop. They don't call him dad aymore when they speak of him. Now it's Mr.his last name. Their way of showing how hurt they are. The sacrifices I make for them now and in the past has made them so protective over me. Children see more than we are aware of. Maybe you can ask him to express his feelings and discuss that in life we'll face many dissappointments but it's how we choose to deal with them that counts. It's what I did with mine. Never make promises cause no one knows what tomorrow will bring or if it will come. If his dad is making the promises inform him that many times before he said he will be here and he couldn't make it. Make alternate plans so that if one falls through pick another so it would take his mind off of his disappointments. Later he'll remember and will still hurt but he'll also remember that you were always there for him and that will make him happy and safe. I wish you the best and hope things gets better. You'll be in my prayers

Heather - posted on 07/21/2009

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I can feel your pain b/c I am in a similar situation. My son does not care anymore he would rather him not show but when he does he makes the best of it. My daughter is the one so disapointed and hurting all the time b/c of him. Thing is it is best for you to NOT say anything. Leave it up to him. Maybe while waiting make a game or do something make waiting on Daddy quality time with your son. Then you can make a negative into a positive for him. My kids are 10 and 11 and they are getting the picture. It is SO important that you let them make that choice though. I know you are hurting to see your child hurting but those are growing pains. He will realize and one day say enough is enough. Just be sure to let him know how much YOU love him and what a great kid he is and what all that his father is missing out on! I also have my kids involved in sports and a lot of them. Less idle time, they make great friends, and it boosts their self worth. Keep on fighting for your son and loving him!

Tina - posted on 07/20/2009

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You don't! He will find out for himself! My daughter's father use to do that to her. (she is now 20). I would make excuses for him and let her know no matter what I knew he loved her. She would defend him to the end as well to anyone. She got angry with me for a time too and boy that was hard. She took it all out on me, but then one day it was like a switch went off and she finally realized for herself, all those things about him that I thought but never said. Let him love him, now matter what. If you "let him know he's a jerk" it will bite you not the dad!

Esther - posted on 07/20/2009

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You cannot say anything negative to the child or in front of the child. No matter what the child loves its father (and they will end up dislike you!). I have a daughter who is now 16 yrs old and I never spoke a negative thing to her when she was growing up. She has figured out for herself that he is a jerk!!!

[deleted account]

I have been there my son is now 9 yrs old and hasn't sen his "father" for 5 yrs as his father is violent drug addict and criminal who actually kidnapped my son and was involved in a seige with police court order he have no contact but did not stop my son from asking about his father, I told him the truth in a way he could understand I have always told my son the truth about his father and answered any questions he has asked as honestly as possible even if the answer is I don't know!! my son does not want anything to do with his father now but knows that when he is 16 if he wishes to find his father I will support him and in the end that is all you can do is be there and support your child as he goes through the ups and downs of life

Tashya - posted on 07/19/2009

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I keep my reply simple, "your father is doing the best he can." As my son gets older, I tell a little more, like 'your father may 'say' or 'think' such and such, but I disagree with him. This lets my son acquire his own opion, seperate his father from me, yet still be made of the two of us. And then I find some good girlfriends to vent to when child is not around. Two more things, very couragous and awesome mother to look at this from your childs perspective and act on THAT. Also, I am glad I took this approach since my sons father died 3 years ago in an accident and I can comfort my son for his loss honorably, yet still vent to my girlfriends.

Kimberly - posted on 07/19/2009

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Kids are smart and they will figure it out on their own. I try not and bad mouth my kids dad and they are seeing everything and drawing their own conclusions. They know who the stable parent is. He moved away three years ago, and although it was hard for them in the beginning, they are better off.

Joni - posted on 07/19/2009

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Went through that myself, or rather my kids did. It's not your place to let him know that his father's a jerk. Let your son make his own conclusions and don't tell him he's wrong. He should still respect his father, and love him even if the jerk doesn't deserve it. When your son asks why he doesn't come, tell him the truth, that you don't know. Also, if you HAVE to allow visitation, then set up the meeting somewhere that you are able to purchase a cup of coffee (like McD's) when you arrive. Hold on to your receipt, it's date/time stamped. Then, when you've waited the amount of time that the court deems, buy another coffee and keep the receipt (again, for the date/time stamp). Keep a log of these visits, the receipts, and the number of times the jerk doesn't show. Then, talk to your court officer, you now have proof that this man isn't showing up for his visits, and they may then allow you to protect your son and make some changes to his visitation rights... I hope this helps, good luck. I will pray for you and your son.

Becky - posted on 07/19/2009

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I think your son will figureout his self the older he gets the wiser he will be as well

User - posted on 07/19/2009

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you wont need to--he will work it out for himself, they always do..dont dis the ex ever,this dosnt mean you got to praise him, kids arnt silly they can spot a wrong un a mile off. and remember that your kid wants something different from his dad than you know he deserves..

[deleted account]

When I talk about their father w/ my girls I tell them that Daddy loves them, but he is making some bad choices right now. I pray for him every night that he will someday be again the man that God wants him to be and the kind of Daddy he was when the girls were babies/toddlers. My son also deserves a chance to know THAT man. My ex has only been to see the kids twice in the past year, so my almost 16 month old son doesn't even have a clue who he is. I let the girls call him anytime they want to. They've only asked twice in 2009. Once in April (for my ex's bday) and once (in June) when he was supposed to show up for a visit that he begged the judge for that he didn't even bother to take. :(

Danielle - posted on 07/18/2009

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I understand your dilema; I was in that same predicament nearly 20 yrs ago with my son. Let your son know you understand his pain and disappointment. Never speak ill of his father, don't stoop to your ex's level. Your son will figure out on his own the type of man his father is. Love your son and surround him with good supportive men so he knows not all men turn out to be dead beats. It'll all work out in the end.

Precious - posted on 07/18/2009

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I have been dealing with this situation for years now. Up until November of 2008 my kids had not seen or heard from their father in 6 years and that is because I file a contempt charge against him because he refused to pay his child support. Then after court he acted like he was so interested in seeing the kids so I let him see them. The saddest thing I ever saw was that my we were meeting him at McDonalds so that they could visit and when he walked in the door I told my son that his daddy was coming in the door, well there happened to be another gentleman coming in the door at the same time and my son looked at me and said, "Mommy, which one is he?" It took everything inside of me know not to burst into tears. My kids saw him like twice and then he told me that his new wife didn't want him to see them anymore and he hasn't seen them since. He quits his job as soon as child support enforcement catches up to him and I'm just fed up right now but through it all I have never said anything negative about him to them nor have I allowed anyone else to. All I have ever told them is that I'm sure that he loves them very much but that he has some things that he has to work on, on his own and that will make him a better dad for them.

Tasha - posted on 07/18/2009

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I know about this old so well. Joy, u don't say nothing. Which is so hard to do cause u get tried of seeing ur baby hurt. He'll find out on his own that he's a "Jerk". What u can do is stop letting him be an in an out dad. U let him know quit making false promises, if that's all he can give then just stay away until he can offer better for ur son. But trust me, ur son is going to get fed up with that at least by the age 9 or 10. When he does that's when u let him call the shots on when he's ready to spend time with he's father. I went through this with myself, my daughter and my neices and nephews. The fathers didn't like it when the kids their self told them ,"oh no I'm busy I'll have to see u later, I'll call u when I'm done with whatever was going on at the time." My favorite one my neice use all the time on her dad is," I forgot this was our weekend, maybe next weekend." Yes it's a headache but hell they must learn children have feeling to.

Christine - posted on 07/18/2009

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I think most of us fall off the wagon and say negative things about their dad if they only show up every few years. I totally understand your feelings of anger toward your son's father. My son is 9 years old now, and the only way he calmed down was to see him in person a few months ago and see his dad in action. Now he is very peaceful and doesn't get sad or angry like he used to. It's a hard road, but the best thing is to show lots and lots of love to your son and hang in there through his struggling emotions. I believe it will get better for you! Make sure to get support through a mom's group or therapy on your own. Taking care of yourself will help your son, too. Blessings to you. I know it's tough.

Carriejo - posted on 07/18/2009

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Hey Joy, my son is almost 7 and his dad is a dead beat. I am very fortune it that he only played the games in the begining with not showing up. My son has not seen his dad in 5 years. I am very honest with my son. He knows his dad is a loser and he is always in jail. My son doesn't even remember his dad or even knws his name. I thank God everyday he is not apart of my son's life. He is a loser and I do not want him to trickle over to my son. Yes, I wish he had a father role model but not some one like his birth father. I do dread the day when my son reaches that age and wants to look for his father, but for now he can not make those decisions so we are ok. I hope every thing works out for you.

Monique - posted on 07/18/2009

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Joy, on this the best advice is to be there for your son when he's hurting. It is important for you to not bash his father but sad enough, your son is going to have to see for himself what his dad is made of - cowardness! On that note, teach your son how to be a loving, caring man and to respect women and how to be a wonderful dad. Trust me on this I had to school my step-sister for many of years and she did just this and her sons learned for themselves what kind of man their father is and that mom had nothing to do with what dad did. It is sad and it hurts like hell but we have to allow our children to see things for what they really are.

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