HOW DO I LET HIM KNOW HIS FATHER IS A JERK?????

[deleted account] ( 81 moms have responded )

MY SON SITS AND WAITS FOR HIM TO COME. I KNOW HE'S NOT COMING BUT I TRY NOT TO SAY THE BAD THINGS ABOUT HIS SORRY ASS FATHER CAUSE I THINK HE'LL LOOK AT ME AS THE BAD ONE. HE SHOWS UP EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS I WISH HE WOULD JUST STAY AWAY BECAUSE IT HURTS TO SEE MY SON HURT. MY SON IS 11 AND I'M TRYING TO LET HIM MAKE THE DECISION NOT TO SEE HIM HIMSELF SO IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE I'M STOPPING THEM FROM HAVING A RELATIONSHIP BUT HE DISSAPOINTS MY SON EVERY TIME HOW MUCH MORE AM I SUPPOSE TO TAKE

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Christine - posted on 07/18/2009

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I think most of us fall off the wagon and say negative things about their dad if they only show up every few years. I totally understand your feelings of anger toward your son's father. My son is 9 years old now, and the only way he calmed down was to see him in person a few months ago and see his dad in action. Now he is very peaceful and doesn't get sad or angry like he used to. It's a hard road, but the best thing is to show lots and lots of love to your son and hang in there through his struggling emotions. I believe it will get better for you! Make sure to get support through a mom's group or therapy on your own. Taking care of yourself will help your son, too. Blessings to you. I know it's tough.

Carriejo - posted on 07/18/2009

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Hey Joy, my son is almost 7 and his dad is a dead beat. I am very fortune it that he only played the games in the begining with not showing up. My son has not seen his dad in 5 years. I am very honest with my son. He knows his dad is a loser and he is always in jail. My son doesn't even remember his dad or even knws his name. I thank God everyday he is not apart of my son's life. He is a loser and I do not want him to trickle over to my son. Yes, I wish he had a father role model but not some one like his birth father. I do dread the day when my son reaches that age and wants to look for his father, but for now he can not make those decisions so we are ok. I hope every thing works out for you.

Monique - posted on 07/18/2009

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Joy, on this the best advice is to be there for your son when he's hurting. It is important for you to not bash his father but sad enough, your son is going to have to see for himself what his dad is made of - cowardness! On that note, teach your son how to be a loving, caring man and to respect women and how to be a wonderful dad. Trust me on this I had to school my step-sister for many of years and she did just this and her sons learned for themselves what kind of man their father is and that mom had nothing to do with what dad did. It is sad and it hurts like hell but we have to allow our children to see things for what they really are.

Nichole - posted on 07/18/2009

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I have the same situation at times and get sick of lying to my daughter for her ignorant father. but in time she will relize that he is a looser all by her self and i will be the good parent so i am waiting patiently for that day

Ceinwen - posted on 07/17/2009

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Tell him his father loves him but has grown up enough to put him first and when he dissapoints him tell him it has nothing to with him but your dad hasn't learnt to put other peoples needs before his. If your son does this for his friends or you tell himhe is mre mature than his father and that he will know how to treat his children so they feel special when they are older. If his father is into alchol or any drugs just tell him he is sick and wont get help so drink and alcohol always come first.

Doretha - posted on 07/17/2009

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SO,GUY IS A BUTTHOLE,OK.BUT YOU CAN'T EVER TELL YOUR KID THAT. JUST TALK TO THE KID,LET HIM KNOW WHATS GOING ON WITHOUT HURTING HIM. YOUR HIS MOTHER,YOU KNOW HIM BEST. HE'S OLD ENOUGH HE SHOULD KNOW,BELEAVE ME HE ALREADY KNOWS. I KNOW, BEEN THERE,DONE THAT.

Chi - posted on 07/17/2009

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i dont know, dear. i have the same problem, but my son is only 5 years old. his father was an sob as well: he physically abused me, does not pay child support, does not even visit. good thing we separated when my son was 6 months old. every time my son asks for his father, i just tell him that his father is far away and wont be able to visit because he has problems. and i tell my son that i love him more than enough to make up for his dad not being there. i dont know, in your situation, if i were you, id tell my son the truth. he's old enough to know it, at eleven. of course, dont say outright that his father is an asshole.

Vicki - posted on 07/17/2009

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My heart goes out to you and your son. My mom always told me if I had nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. Try to not say anything negative in front of your son- save it for your friends or here, we'll listen, & believe me, I like to bash the father of my children! Your son will realize, in his own time, as he grows older, how devoid his father has been. In about 5 years, he'll write him off himself. You only have time, so just let time do its job. Everything will resolve by itself in the end. I hope this helps to ease your pain a bit.

Melody - posted on 07/17/2009

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I've learnt not to say anything about when my daughter's dad has 'arranged' to see her. If he comes, he comes... or he doesn't. It's incredibly painful to watch our kids hurt so much and experience a sense of abandonment and rejection from someone who should be so special in their lives. I've just had to accept that she'll figure it out for herself one day what an absolute 'sorry ass father' he is, and when she does, I just have to be there for her to hold her and let her know that life will carry on without him - as it has all these years.



To answer your question: don't tell him anything.



This is such a painful time for you - and him. Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but at least you know there are people who care...

Linda - posted on 07/16/2009

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You don't, he will realize it soon or later, I went through that for 15 years, I have a 17 y/o son and 15 y/o dad came around about 8 months ago after 13 years out of their life, he proof himself that he is a looser and my kids got it real quick, I never said anything good about or bad about him. It is not really up to you, it sucks for your kid, but if you come out and say that his father is a jerk then he stablishes a relationship with his father later on in life your son is going to resent you for it. I just let life take his course. Now the father cries calling home and neither of my boys are interested in taking his calls, they do not have anger issues tours their dad, they just know not to waste their time.

Angela - posted on 07/16/2009

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Girl been there.. The best thing to do is not say anything bad to him about his father even though you think otherwise.. Its very important for them to find this out for themselves it is very painful for you but he needs to find out on his own who his dad is and how he is.. My soon to be ex.. met me at the store to pick up my boys it was his turn to get the boys.. He had found out that i was going to Juvenile court to get child support filed on him.. He got mad and started threating me and calling names and screaming in front of everyone in the parking lot and in front of the boys. My oldest remembers this i never said anything back to him that was threating or called him a name or anything.. Do you know someone had asked my son if mama ever says bad things about daddy or calls him names and my son said no Never but my dad talks bad about my mom all the time.. Even if you can't stand them its important for children that their parents don't bad mouth each other. I wouldn't tell you son his dad is coming until he actually comes and shows up its hard on them... I got to where it wasn't fair for my boys to sit and wait and wait for dad.. So if he said he was coming over to get them then i would wait actually til he got there before my boys would know. Your the one who has to sit there and comfort a broken hearted child not the dad.

LaTressa - posted on 07/16/2009

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Do what u need to 4 your child,if he helps..good,if not,let it go,dont nag'em about it.When you stop lettin him know how sorry he is,he will start helpin you out,As far as the child goes...dont put daddy down to them,when they get older they will see what a bad dad he is 4 themselves.

Brandy - posted on 07/16/2009

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I have been dealing with the same situation for 9 years now. It does SUCK! But, you are doing the right thing.. I dont bring it up and my son eventually stopped asking about him. He would even swear by his dad.. (he is the best, he will get it for me, I will just ask my dad) My reply? You go ahead, I will dial the number for you.. No answer, nor any return call. After a while of this, my son eventually gave up on his "dad". I was also afraid to say anything bad even if it were the truth in fear that my son would resent me. Keep it up, it will eventually get easier!!

Candace - posted on 07/16/2009

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I also have an 11yr old daughter whose father is basically non-existent in her life. My method has just been to be there for her, allow her to contact him whenever SHE wants and let her figure out the rest on her own. She will eventually realise that it is because of his faults that he missed out on so much of her life. (My daughter has not seen her father in over a year now, and has spoken to him only once on the phone....her birthday, which I send him email reminders about) She has a Father's day gift sitting here waiting until she sees him to give it to him!!

Just be strong, it is hard to see our children hurting but we can't protect them from this.......have faith in the fact that YOU are the one loving and nurturing your son so that he grows up to be a better man than his father!!!

Lonya - posted on 07/16/2009

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the only thing u can do is just sit back and let time take it's course trust me it will happend for when ur son will c his sperm donor for da jerk he is i had da same issue with my daughter n she's 10 now n she no dat her sperm donor ain't shit and it's not dat i told her she sees it for her self so all u can do is just do ur best in raising him rite n give him all ur love n let him know u love him it really helps

Stacy - posted on 07/16/2009

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A lot of good advice here. My son just turned 18 and at about 11 he asked me why he did not go and visit his dad like other kids (we split while I was still preggers). I told him that he and I did not get along and that we were better off apart. As for not seeing him, well, he would have to ask him himself because I did not know the answer. He asked me if I would contact 'him' so that he could ask, I told him that when I felt he was mature enough to understand I would be more than happy to. After that, he never actually brought it up again. Then one night 'he' called to complain (he had just received paperwork from the court - I was looking for an increase after 13 years of a measly $45 a week). My son answered the phone, he never said hi or stated who he was, just asked for me. When my son found out who it was he was livid and dashed off a 3 page heart-wrenching letter and asked me to mail it (I still have a copy) which I did. HE called me after receiving it and was upset and wanted to explain 'his' side of the story and my son would have nothing to do with him (made me proud).



I guess since it's too late to say 'long story short'.. take the high road.. be there for your son.. talk to him before hand in case of disappointment.. have a back up plan (although if it really bothers him sometime just time well spent is enough). He will figure it out on his own, and if you are able.. there are counseling groups or therapy sessions that will help him sort through his feelings since I am sure he is conflicted.



Good luck and God Bless.

Becci - posted on 07/16/2009

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Don't tell your son anything and when daddy doesn't show up just tell him the truth as you know it..You don't know why daddy didn't come or I liked calling daddy and having him talk to my daughter and h e can tell him why he didn't show up.....but soon enough your son will learn the truth about his father without you looking like a bad guy. and if in time you are lucky enough to have things turn around and his dad pulls his head out of his you know what there can still be a good relationship with the dad

Sharell - posted on 07/16/2009

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You don't. Your son identifies himself in alot of ways with his father, if you begin talking negatively about him, then your son will in turn see himself that way and begin identifying himself in negative ways. Kids need to love their parents, especially sons/fathers, and what I did with my son was to explain to him that people love in different ways and some don't know how to love but however his father is doesn't change how special he (my son) is. Continue to keep him connected to the good and seperate him from the bad in his father. A child doesn't need to grow up with hate, no matter how warrented it is.

Anethia - posted on 07/16/2009

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Over time the your son will realize that his sperm donor is no good, but your job as his mom is to protect him with all your might....... As a child who went through what you son went through, it would be wise if you stop his dad from letting him know that he's going to get him and he not show up. That scars a child for life and he will become mad at you for letting it happen so when you have the time and you are alone to talk to his you let him you will not accept that b/c we hurt when our kids hurt so stop suffering and put your foot down. Dont ever say anything bad about his dad if he begins to act out find something else for him to focus on hell get away if you have too.... I will be praying for you and your son......

Melanie - posted on 07/15/2009

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Hello,
Well i'm new here and came across your question. I'm a single mother of a 2 1/2 year old boy. My son's dad and I use to be like best friends but now he is my worst enemy. He has two other children before my son which I knew about but got caught up in a situation where my life would change. He thinks it's ok for him to pick and choose to be dad in my son' life. When I as a mother can never pick and choose when I should be a mother to my son. I don't tell my son anything bad about him because in the long run he'll find out what kind of person his dad is. I started a video diary for my son where I update him on our living situations, hospital visits, and our everyday life. I also include conversations that I have with his father so he knows. We can only do so much but it will be up to our children to decide on their own if they do need their dad. With all my emotions, hate, and anger I can't let that interfer with what my son will decide. Life is not easy nor planned the way we imagine it but staying strong for my son and myself is what I have now. STAY STRONG!!!

Tracy - posted on 07/15/2009

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Well, my daughter is 13, and she had a similar problem when she was younger..... he would keep lamb promises and finally when he wanted to be bothered she told him one day on the phone... she didn't want to be picked up for a visit and hung up.... with no help from me.... now he waits for her to spend time with him.... believe me i wanted to talk bad about him to her also...but in time they see things for themselves.... but believe me... your son may not admit it to you because he does sense the tension and frustration between the two of you, but he knows who can depend on.... YOU... not forget that he knows how much of a loser his father is... the man loses out in the long run.... patience hun .... patience ... take care and stay strong

Debra - posted on 07/15/2009

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I am in the same situation with my ex. He has seen the boys who are 6 and 8 only a few hours since we separated in May 2008 (and later divorced) . My boys have been constantly disappointed by promises when he bothers to talk to them. Every Sunday we wait at the pickup place and he doesn't show. The best advice I can give is to just to be reassuring when Dad does not show up, but don't bad mouth. Just be neutral when explaining the situation. (Your son will make his own judgment as mine have.)

Davitta - posted on 07/14/2009

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You never have to say anything bad about his dad. Kids are SMART and he soon will put the pieces together and realize all these bad things about his dad. I made a promise when my son was born to NEVER say one bad thing about his dad.. your son eventually will tell his dad..."don't bother coming over.. I don't want to see you"!

find yourself a guy friend or maybe you already have a few (or famliy member)... and ask one of them to stand in and be a role model for your son... they will be flattered and your son will have someone who won't disappoint them!!

LaShaunda - posted on 07/14/2009

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My oldest will be 19 in a few weeks. I went thru the exact same thing with him. His father never came around or called up until last year. My Son was really hurt around age 15 because his Dad got married and has two younger kids. He felt like he and his sister were here first and he never came around and spent time with them. The best thing to do is not to bad mouth the loser because in the end when all is said and done your son will come to realize that he is a lair and a dead beat. I am happy to say that my son just had a baby of his own and he is not at all like his father. He does what he can and has her with him all the time. Let's just pray that when your son grows up he remembers what it is like to not have his dad around and becomes a better man than his dad.

Susan - posted on 07/14/2009

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My now 14 year old daughter figured out on her own that her dad is an unreliable jerk. I always had a back up plan so if he didn't show when he was supposed to we did something else. When she was really little I would tell her he's doing his best and that he really does love her. By the time she was 9 or 10 SHE was telling me how he couldn't be counted on or trusted. She recently posted a comment on his MySpace page about what a lousy, jerk of a father he is and she is tired of waiting for him to come around. The only thing that you can do is to support your son and reinforce your love for him. Does he have any uncles that he can hang with?

Danielle - posted on 07/14/2009

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Yeah, everyone seems to be doing what I would have suggested. Unfortunately, you can't always prevent your children from being hurt...(except maybe physically) all the time. Which is hard for a mother. I truly believe that you CANNOT paint a negative picture of the father of your child-no matter how tempting it is. They will inevitably blame you for keeping them away from their dad--that's just the way it is.



If the father is irresponsible and negligent, the child will come to realize that, eventually.



You have to also make room for the possibility that the father could mature and CHANGE his ways. A once deadbeat dad can become the most affectionate, loving and present father, in the nick of time. There's always a chance that the relationship between father and child can be salvaged. It's not up to us as moms to police the relationship that is to develop between fathers and their kids.



So, it does suck now...but you never know. Even if it doesn't change, one day, it'll be the dad waiting on the steps for your child and your child will simply not be there because they no longer desire to deal with the man. Our children won't always be little. You know?

Amelia - posted on 07/14/2009

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I do understand your pain and fustration as I to was in a similar situation, at times I just burst out my anger which my son heard and then I regretted. Around the age your son is now, that's age 11, I sat him down and tried my best to explain to him about his father, explaining the human side and the Godly Nature, which was not hard as he came up in church and I don't mean church every sunday kind of thing but us going to church he going to children's ministry and me being a children's ministry teacher might of help, I don't know but one thing I do know is I was tired seeing the hurt and disapointment on his little face every time his father promise something and not following through, So I call out to God to show me a way to make my son understand, a way he would not be hurt by this man who should know better but never seem to and He send me to the Bible the greatest book of them all from Genisis to Revalation but the one book which stood out of them all was the book of Proverbs which speak so much of listening to our father, cause inspite of all we fell about the men who help parent our sons our children, God said to honor our mother AND fathers so that our days will be long on earth. This is the first commandment with promise, so dear mother dig deep down inside of you and find whatever it was about the man, the father of your son that you once loved think about that when you see your son looking hurt yet again by his father and explain to him that he(your son's father) can't do better because he know's no better but he(your son) should love him anyway and tell him to always remember how he feel now so he would never do these things in his future. May God Bless you and your family.

Beth - posted on 07/14/2009

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i am sorry. it is horrible to see your child's heart broken. but....about all I would say to him is acknowledge his disappointment, and let him know you feel the same way. Also, tell him that if he ever has his own family, you know that he will be a loving and caring father. He will figure it out on his own, and you have to take as much as your son is willing to take unfortunately.

[deleted account]

THANKS ALOT FOR THE HELP IT JUST GETS HARDER EVEYTIME TO TRY NOT TO SAY THE BAD THINGS (THE TRUTH) AND ALSO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM.

Tricia - posted on 07/13/2009

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I know exactly what you are going through. My son is almost 11 and his father has been in and out of jail for the last 5 years. It is very hard to watch him hurt your baby. You wish they would fall off the face of the planet after all things are better when they are not around. Truth is you have to let your son see it on his own. If you are the one who keeps his father away he will resent you and you will be the one who looks like the bad guy. What I have always told Caleb is your dad must be dealing with alot right now and is making some really bad decisions adults do that sometimes and I try to reassure him that his dad loves him and no matter what mommy will always be there. Even though I want to say your dad is an a double snakes and only cares about himself. Hope this helps good luck. Hang in there he will respect you for always being around.

Anna - posted on 07/13/2009

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This situation sucks. I think this is an age where you have to start giving him limited pieces of the truth, to help him in dealing with the possible future disappointments. But it's SO touchy....if you say "Your dad isn't here because he's a sorry SOB", then the kid thinks "Well, I'm half of my dad, so I must be a sorry SOB, too". I'm sorry I don't have a fantastic answer - my daughter is 3, hasn't seen her dad in 2 years, and this is exactly the situation that is possible for us in the future. Sigh. I know it must make you furious to see your son hurting like that. Deep breaths, let's see what the other mom's think!

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