Husband left me but I miss him

[deleted account] ( 22 moms have responded )

I have been with my husband for 12 years . I have had an on off affair for 3years and my husband left me. The other man had an accident and died . Now I'm alone with 4 kids and miss my husband. As well as having grief over the one I lost.my husband wants a quick divorce and doesn't love me and makes it clear .

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StrongerMe - posted on 05/29/2012

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It doesn't matter if the divorce needed to happen...it is still a loss. You will have to go through the grief cycle about the marriage the same way that a widow grieves after the death of her husband. There is still the loss of security and hopes and dreams for the future.
When a marriage ends and you are not the one that is pushing for it, you can easily idolize your mate because you were rejected by them. My ex is an alcoholic gambler, yet when we finally divorced (and I filed), I could only remember the good times. When I saw him and he smiled or joked, I remembered all of the reasons that I fell in love with him. Unfortunately, there were alot of things that weren't good.
If you were having an affair, chances are that your marriage wasnt as great as you feel like it was now. Feeling alone and dealing with the grief can play tricks on your mind.
As my mom always said, "This too shall pass." Growth comes in the valleys, not the peaks, so unfortunately you need to feel this sadness to finally get to acceptance.
You will be okay. I promise.
I recently started a blog to talk about all of the ups and downs that I have been going through since my divorce. Check it out if you have time. http:stillmeonlystronger.com

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Laura - posted on 09/23/2013

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im sad to i just lost my husband in richmond ca on sep2-13 and im so hurt i have 3 kids and one the way now im all alone hurt trats and more tears dontt know what im do with out him .all we can do is be strong and let god handle the rest.

[deleted account]

I loved Kevin for years but kept finishing with him and trying to make a go of it with my husband. I did feel comfortable with him , but in later times he had been ignoring me in bed and staying out till the morning and announced he didn't know if he loved me. So I decided to make a go of it with Kevin and that was when he died. My husband has been nasty ever since . He has signed the. Divorce . I'm also quite away from anywhere and he won't help take me anywhere , he gets angry very easy as he did when he was here

Kristi - posted on 06/14/2012

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Let me start by offering my condolences about your friend. It is very hard to lose someone you are attached to so strongly. Grief can be overwhelming and now in addition to the loss of your friend you have to add the loss of your marriage.

I'm just going to jump right in here. I hope I don't sound judgemental or rude because I'm not trying to be either of those things. But I do have a lot of experience when it comes to making poor choices or thinking I need something or someone I really don't based on my emotions, some of it was my own doing, some of it was done unto me. I have also worked very hard and I have learned how to understand the differences between my wants vs. my needs and how to go about meeting my needs. But understand this, my needs and my wants come in second to my daughter's. Her well being is my number 1 everything. But you can work in conjunction with meeting you children's needs.

First of all, you have to accept responsibility for your actions which means accepting the consequences. You don't have to like them but they are what they are. You got yourself into this mess and you have to get yourself out. Now, I may be reading too far into things but I would wager that for the most part of your life you have been involved with someone "safe" and had someone "exciting" waiting in the wings. The "safe" guy is a man you are comfortable with, he's dependable, good to you, most people like him, you can count on him in an emergency, etc. The "exciting" guy is where your passion (which gets confused for love) lies. You can't imagine life without him, you are always looking for a reason to be with him, he "gets you" like nobody else does. Either way, your safe, if one leaves, you've still got the other, right? You feel lonely and lost if neither of them are around. Now in this case, your safety net got pulled and no one is putting it back. So you can either continue to fall to the ground, taking the security and well being of your children with you or you can pull your own chute and land with everybody in tact and you can work your way to an independant, happy, healthy woman who can do "it all" on her own. (excuse the lame metaphors)

I believe you mentioned you were having a visit with a mental health professional. I also saw someone else recommended that as well. I third the nomination. You will have a compassionate and objective outlet to work through your feelings with. He/She can help you deal with the different stages of grief, help you work through why you feel the need to always have a man in your life. He/She can teach how to effectively deal with everyday stress or stress from the big things going on right now. You get the idea, it would be beneficial. Depending on the age of your children and how attached they were to your husband, they may need a little help getting through this as well. I also agree with the other moms that said give him the quick divorce. It will be best for the kids and on you to get on with your new life straight away. Do your very best not to get drawn in to an arguement when he says things to upset you. I don't blame him one bit for being hurt and angry and wanting to make you feel bad but if you add fuel to the fire by responding you are just going to feel worse and so is he. The kids will end up suffering because if they didn't already hear it, you'll go home all upset and on edge. Your patience will be thin and your attention span will be short. The last thing you're going to want to deal with is a bunch of "mommy i want this or mommy will you do that's." So don't engage him. Hold your breath, walk away, count to ten, turn your back, tell him nicely you are not going to participate in this, offer one apology for hurting him and tell him that his behavior is inappropriate, bite your cheek, pinch your leg, do whatever you need to do to maintain your composure. It is hard work! But believe me, when it is over you will be so relieved and so proud of yourself you won't be able to not smile. My first ex husband knew how to push my buttons and when I started to shut him down like this I was so excited I called my mom! lol

In any event, I apologize if I misinterpreted your comments, thus wasting your time and putting way too much personal info out there. If I didn't, then I hope some of this helps. Remember, you have to accept things as they are now. The only things you can change are your actions. You cannot control another person's thoughts, feelings or actions. Most importantly, your kids come first, above all else.

Mary - posted on 06/12/2012

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Having and affair,while married to some one you say you love doesn't make sense to me.Now the other person is gone,I don't believe you can expect your husband to just come back.What reasons did you step out on him ask your self this and see if it had anything to do with him or just what you wanted to do.People usually don't step out on some one they love,if there isn't a reason to do that?I don't understand if it was his acting like he didn't want you or love you then that is a reason for insecurity.If it was not a satisfying relationship,then what is to say it ever will be ask yourself these questions.

If you were not happy with him and stepped out on him,because of this then what do you think will change?I would say whats done is done ans sorry for any one who died,but it also hurts when someone is still here and you love them and they act like they don't care about you.If you think he loved you as much why do you think you had an affair?

Marissa - posted on 06/12/2012

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Well, find out if he wants to get together again, maybe. If not, I'm sorry. You should try finding someone else, or get social help. Hope well for you!

User - posted on 06/11/2012

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I cannot imagine your grief. It sounds like you really loved him. That kind of love is rare and you never know when you will find it so at least you will never regret pursuing that. I wish you the best and that you will find that kind of love again.

Meana - posted on 06/10/2012

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you will be ok----don't allow anyone to make you feel bad----true love is never lost and there are many different kinds of love--that is great he is just a step if he is going to be mean----I am glad you are doing better----

[deleted account]

Your not mean u r truthfully xxx I have felt better the last couple of days and hubby will never come back and doesn't visit kids much either and then I feel I need to give him money for petrol and stuff

Rachelle - posted on 06/04/2012

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I don't want to sound mean so forgive me if this comes out wrong. Do you miss your husband or are you just afraid to be alone? Many woman are that's why I ask. I also have to say I can't blame your husband. You've been having an affair and because your man on the side dies you want him. You need to get counseling to deal with everything so that you can move on into a healthy and happy relationship.

Kristin - posted on 05/29/2012

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Im sorry honey but I cant say i blame your husband for being mean to you. You hurt him badly by having an affair and he probably is right, if the other guy was still alive you would be with him. I believe that relationships need to be faitful to one another and if you feel the need to have a man all the time than maybe you are the one who needs help with insecurities and low self esteem. Depending on the ages of your children and whether or not he still wants to see them you can not force a step parent to keep a relationship up with your children. Lots of biological fathers do not even see their children so that would be his choice. Also i do not feel you have a right to be angry with your husband as you are the one who broke your wedding vows and to me being unfaithful is the ultimate betrayel to anyone. If your husband had an affair on you for 3 years while you were the faithful one do you not think you would be hurt and angry as well? You really need to move on and figure out what you want out of lkife and put your kids first. They are the ones that matter and helping them should be your first priority. i am sorry if this seems cold and callous, i just dont believe in cheating, I have 3 kids and my bf works out of town and he is the step father to my children and I couldnt contemplate cheating on him or him cheating on me. First i dont have the time or the energy as my kids always come first. Nor do i feel the need to have a man to make me feel worthwhile. Its called being a secure confident woman. After my ex and I split i stayed alone for 2 years with no man at all and worked on healing my kids and gaining my self esteem and happiness back. I wish you luck and hope you do put your kids first and help them through this pain of now being a broken home due to your affair.

[deleted account]

Oh yes they see there dad often. He is kind:) , I got upset when my new partner diedu see. Carbon monoxide poisoning. If he hadn't died then maybe I wouldn't feel this way,

[deleted account]

As he is/was their Step-father check out what rules apply to him seeing/visiting your children. Also worth making sure that your children know/aware that he is not their biological father.

[deleted account]

It is worth then talking to a solicitor or some form of mediation so that the two of you don't have to talk directly to each other. Also depending on the age of your children, their opinions will be taken into account for the visitations.

[deleted account]

I have mental health visiting me tommorow cuz I got in a state . He winds me up about not loving me every time he sees us and goes quick . And when he was here he was mean to kids. I felt like I was constantly in the middle.

[deleted account]

From personal experience, it is hard to regain trust when a partner has an affair - my ex husband had one affair that I know of and that ended our marriage (there was other contributing factors, but that was the last straw).

OK back to your situation. It is time to realise that you have lost the trust and also love of your soon to be ex husband. It is unlikely that you will get him back. As for now - it is time that you work towards the future and the main focus being on your four children.

Make sure that you rebuild your life and that of your children, as all of you (and your ex) will have to readjust to the new situation. Keep things civil between yourself and your ex, especially in front of the children.

You will also have to work to regain the trust of your ex - as a friend.

Louise - posted on 05/28/2012

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Time to start your new life, put the past behind you and start again. I know you still have to have contact with your husband because of the children but this is going to be normality from now on. Sort the kids out and then spend some time working out what you want to do. Could you go out to work not only for the money but to meet people. You have to look forward now and not dwell on the past. Whats done is done.

I hope you find happiness again soon. Take one step at a time. I wish you well. x

[deleted account]

I know I done wrong by him . He says he hasnt loved me for years and he couldn't tell if he did or not for years.

Louise - posted on 05/28/2012

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Well you have to understand that your husband has been treated terribly and he is not going to forgive you. You may miss your husband but he would not understand that would he. All he can focus on is your betrayal. He probably thinks that you would of left him if this man was still alive. I think he is right to have a quick divorce to spare you all more heart ache and pain.

I am afraid you are going to have to move on. If I found out my husband had had an on off affair for three years I would want the same. He has to move forward and so do you. Try and keep things friendly for you and the kids sake. The feeling of lonliness will not go away but trying to get back with your husband is not the answer that avenue is very much closed. Try and join a group to meet new people and get out of the house.

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