I do not like the new 50/50 visitation schedule

Tara - posted on 12/14/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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Hi All, I have been single since my son was born and me and his father did the every other weekend visitation and a couple of weeks ago it changed to a new 50/50 visitation schedule which I really do not like. This is suppose to be the new "whats best for the child" visitation in my state of Delaware. I hired an attorney who said it would work out in my favor and then when we went to court she stated that it may go in his favor due to him always being involved every other weekend on a consistant basis especially over the past year which looks highly in the court system. Now we have started a new equal schedule where my son goes to his fathers every Sunday-Wednesday and I have him from Wednesday evening-Sunday. I really did not want this kind of schedule but with the way our state has adopted this new guideline I really had no choice. I really do not like this schedule and miss my son terribly as I was the one who devoted the majority of the time to raising our son over the past 2 and a 1/2 years. Has anyone else delt with this? How did you cope with the new 50/50 schedule? I just feel so depressed because my son was my whole world and now our time is so limited now. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better in time, I just don't know how to cope with this new schedule and missing my son.

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Steve - posted on 01/12/2014

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What the hell are you whining about?!? You're kid is probably happy it's fair this way! I'm only on this website because I'm trying to see how I can see my parents 50:50 and you're complaining about it! This makes me sick

Abcprintingweddings - posted on 04/27/2014

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Wana sign my Petition? I'm going to try to change visitation rights that no over nights with the noncustodial parent take place until the age of 3 or 4. I'm sorry if this gets some dads upset, but I'm fighting to protect my daughter. I have put a petition together for you to sign. Please do so by going to this site and sign it and share it PLEASE!!..I will have proof of how it effects our children. I need 2000 signatures! Thank you so much!! http://www.thepetitionsite.com/281/518/8...

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Sahbi - posted on 06/30/2011

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I never heard about this law. It sounds kinda hetic. I see the people saying it works out well, but I'm wondering how well does it work on kid down the lane? If Jimmy did something bad and needs to be punished, do we ask dad to punish him for the rest of the week? This doesn't sound like a good idea at all, and I'm sure it will show up in the childs future. (Relationships with spouse and children.) No trying to be mean here, but are the parents that are okay with this only happy because they have more free time in a sense?

[deleted account]

I have to agree with you (and there is a whole movement of psychologists who agree as well) this isn't in the best interest of a child because they never get to "land." they are always being shuffled. When my son threw fits over visits (EXACTLY what you described, too!) I found only hug therapy worked at all. At that age they do not have the language to say what they feel and they feel RAGE. They are mad at you - because you let it happen. Tell him the truth (if you feel ok with that) tell him, "I didn't want this to be like this, I can see how hard this is for you - I know your daddy thinks it's a good thing, but I can see, and feel, that you aren't liking it. I know mommy is supposed to be able to fix everything, but fixing this one I need to help you feel better, so you know I'm always here. Can we make a special blanket together? One with things we draw or sew so you know I miss you so much and I'm with you in our special blanket? I don't think daddy will listen right now to how much this is hurting you, but I can feel your pain, and I want to do everything I can so you feel safe, relaxed and good here, right now with me, OK?" I would sit on the floor, legs crossed, sit him facing you, hugging you and rock - rub his head, talk softly, "It's okay baby, mommy's got you - mommy's got you - I've got you honey, I'm here - I'm here. . .I love you. . ."then just rock and let him FEEL you being present in the moment with him. Make that soft place - they move so fast back and forth and it's confusing, painful, and they just want it to stop. Be still for as long as it takes until HE makes a move to get up - don't make it for him - that's what they are angry about - get in the car, go come, go, come - AHHHH!!!!! It's too much. If you'd like to read up on how very few people are listening to the children there is a book (the library may have it): I've given it to attorney's and they agree. The residential parent should decide - this is getting out of hand. it's against your, and your son's, 14th amendment rights - but no one has had the cash to take it to the supreme court - yet. Also - you are the best therapist right now for him. Bringing in ANOTHER adult he doesn't know can make if WAAAAYYY harder, and distance your relationship with him. Set up his favorite toys for when he comes home, make cookies - make everything tight together - close knit - let him know you know this is a bad idea, and it WASN'T yours. Lawyers will give you grief for telling him the truth - but he's telling you with his body, "Mom, this is terrible and pleeeeeaaaase support me in my truth." You can't get in trouble for the truth - though his "dad" might get angry but it's dad (it sounds like) who is selfishly looking at minutes on the clock instead of happiness in his child. Nothing new there - sadly.

http://www.amazon.com/Best-Interests-Chi...

p.s. what is scary for you is to stand up. You don't have to confront your ex - but you have to stand up for your son and not "pussy foot" around his feelings worrying that he might "tell on you." That he feels, too. But he'll think it's his fault - don't let it happen. Be open, honest - so what if the ex gets wind of the truth? You'd think he want to know. But usually they are after control or power - they say it's to "spend time with their son" but TIME doesn't equal what a child NEEDS. Give him what you know he needs - you'll hear all the junk dad is saying later, but let your son know he has rights. The right to say, "Even though you say you love me, I don't FEEL it." "Even though you say you want me to be happy, this is eating my happiness." Kids are told how to feel - that's nuts. They teach us how they feel, and we either ignore it, or don't talk about it and validate it or tell them, "Well, that's too bad - you're just a kid." You can do this - I've been there. I got flack for being honest - but my child knows he has emotional rights - even if other people think he shouldn't - best interest - - - - of - - - the - - -CHILD.

Jessica - posted on 05/02/2011

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i am so glad my state does not do that. the most a guy gets is every other weekend and zero rights. i would die if that happened to me! my son's father tried to do that before my son was born. he wanted me to sign a piece of paper that would give him our son 50/50, him and a friend drafted it up. i grabbed it and tore it up so fast! i was furious. i had my son and he refused to come to the hospital and didn't meet him until he was 5! 7 years later and he has only seen him six times. and he wanted 50/50?

i don't know what to tell you. my kids would never be safe if that happened and it would hurt them because their dad is a drug addict, abusive, irresponsible father who couldn't even manage to watch them for 20 minutes. if your son is safe and happy, i would say you are very lucky. if your son is freaking out when he is coming home, i would appeal it and tell them he is suffering from separation anxiety, adjustment problems, and you are afraid he will get reactive attachment disorder. he is having problems adjusting to spending so much time with his father, then being taken away from his father, then spending so much time with you and then being taken away from you. it is confusing him. i would go back and tell the judge he is too young and he is being affected by it.

Claire - posted on 05/01/2011

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I have the exact same schedule. I have my son from Wednesday at 3pm through Sunday at 4pm but now his father is trying to pick him up Sunday early morning. I work Mon-Fri and cannot see my son during the day except at the weekends. He is off work Sun-Wed and has all day with him. Worst thing is, I think the court will gladly give him earlier on Sundays because it would be an equal 50/50 rather than his current 42%... I just hope they consider the time I have him in daycare and the time I actually get to spend with him. I'm so sad. I miss him SOOOOOO much as it is. If I lose any more time, I will be beside myself!!!! I try to keep busy and do things for myself but all I can think of is my son :(



The worst part is having to work when I know I could be with him - Thursdays and Fridays are the longest days of my life, but if I didn't have a roof over our heads, I really wouldnt be anywhere....

Lakesha - posted on 01/02/2010

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I'm sorry, I can't do it. I would never let Georgia even consider putting that law into affect. I would find all the single moms to petition & protest, and cause problems. My daughters dad wanted to keep her for three days out of the week, and then bring her back home. That's crazy! A child should never have to be forced to go through that. It's not the childs fault that the parents aren't together. I think he realizes it's not easy, at times she might spend two nights with him, and she's quite a handful. I feel that a child needs his mother so much for so many reasons. Don't get me wrong, fathers too, but they have that bond with their mother. Nine months or longer ladies, that's a close bond. I would look into fighting that law, or just having a heart to heart with the father.

Carolyn - posted on 12/29/2009

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Im going to court in April to fight against 50/50 also. My 2 children and myself have endured domestic violence from a police officer who calls himself a christian. I finally got the courage to leave with the help of my family and we have an interim order for contact every second weekend. For the holidays he has had them 50/50 because of the presure at a conference that I would lose my grant for legal aid. My children are not happy, and when they come back from visits they go through extremes of emotions. Both of them are very clingy and my 9 year old son is angry with me for letting this happen. My 6yo daughter says that she wants me! and a week is too long. I know what you are going through Tara, and I agree it isnt right. I want to mother my children. I hope the courts see that this is not healthy for young children and that they need stability and a stable role model. My solicitor is confident but I think she is rubbing her hands together in antisipation of all the money she will make out of a 2 day trial. On the positive it will be good to have closure for me and try to get the best for the children to give them some routine and a chance at a happy childhood

[deleted account]

i hope you get what you thinks best. there's not much hope for us by the sound of things. When i decided to have children I wanted to be there for them everyday of their life, that has been taken from each of us. it just tears me apart. but i just have do the best i can with my situation. i wish everyone the very best for you and your dear children.

Heidi - posted on 12/21/2009

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A friend of mine has this with her two kids and loves it they choose this out of many options it works for them. I on the other hand like the every other weekend since my ex barely gets him on his weekends. NO OVER NIGHTS

Tara - posted on 12/21/2009

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Yeah me and my sons father do not communicate well at all... thats why I was suprised that he was able to go 50/50... I told my attorney my concerns and she just said that the judge does not care about what is going on in the parents world but that the child can spend equal time with both parents..and that was the vibe I got from the judge as well... I am hoping it will get better with the communication but only time will tell with that

Lisa - posted on 12/21/2009

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wow, thats sucks. sorry to hear that. wish u and your family the best of luck. im going through a custody battle now. but since my ex has been arrested for mulitple domestic violence cases im hoping they will not give me a 50/50 deal.

[deleted account]

my solicitor has just applied to go to court. so we will be going in 4-6 weeks. at the moment i have 3 of our 4 children and he has our eldest son. he is nine. ADHD. i see him one day every 2-3 weeks. i am looking forward to going to court to get some more time with him. i ring every second night. even though he does not answer the phone, or he is not allowed, i told him " every time i call i'm ringing tosay i love you" this way he knows icare about him and am thinking of him. my other 3 , (F)11, (M) 7, and (F) nearly 3, live with me full time, my ex hubby doesnt see them or visit them or call them. he cant or doesnt want to take them cause he lives with his girlfriend and 3 older daughters and there is no where for our children to sleep. he wants 50/50 of all four, but because of domestic violence and him not bothering with them at the moment, my solicitor doesn't think he'll get them that oft, if he does i'll feel much the way you do. i dont feel like much of a mum to my nine yr old at the moment, because i am not allowed to be there for him, to talk to him, to have him visit much. i'm sure it'll get better. hang in there, think of the positives, it could be worse???

[deleted account]

I'm sorry. I can't imagine how that type of constant transition could be good for a child so young. :( It's good that he can spend time w/ his father, but children also crave stability which seems like it would be almost impossible to have w/ that type of schedule. Are you able to communicate well w/ his father? I ask because my ex will NOT communicate w/ me unless he has absolutely no choice... If you two are able to discuss things maybe you can come up w/ some things to make this easier on your child... like same sleeping and eating times, same household rules, etc...



Good luck!!

Tara - posted on 12/18/2009

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I'm trying to do the best I can with dealing with this new schedule.. so far I have been going to the gym on the days he is with his dad which has made me feel a little better.. but going home to an empty house is the worst! I am thankful that he wants to be involved I just feel he is too young for all of this, but maybe its just me being a mom..



My mom tells me to appeal the decision as the judge didn't listen to all sides.. she just said equal time is whats best for children with both parents regardless of what is going on in the parents world... I am taking notes on how my son is behaving and sometimes it is good but when he comes home he always has the worst tempertantrum about a 1/2 an hour after he gets home and this fit lasts for about 30-40 minutes of his kicking and screaming...I have been considering taking him to see a therapist or a counselor just to see if this is normal.. but this has only been the first 2 weeks so I am hoping he will adjust better to the schedule and if not then I will definitley take him to see a doctor to say its not working for him yet at this early age

Shana - posted on 12/17/2009

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I have 50/50 right now, but they never came up with a schedule. Our schedule at the moment is Sunday evening until Wed Evening. And then Wed evening to Fri evening. And then Fri to sun. I really do not like this at all, but at this moment there is not much I can do about it. I am waiting on mediation so that hopefully the schedule is fixed or I can get primary placement. I do not think that this is in my son's best interest considering that I took care of him his whole life (he is only 10 months) even while his father and I were together. Also, his parents end up watching him the majority of the time because he is has not taken on the responsibility fully. Is there any way that you could try to get a guardian ad-litem that would represent your child and see if this is really in his best interest?

[deleted account]

The best thing you can do is make it as easy for your child as possible. Making the exchanges good and happy, helping your child to not feel guilty, being flexible with changing days based on family events and child activities.
I think it is GREAT that your son has a father who wants to spend so much time with him and take such an active role. Just think of all the benifits to your son having TWO loving parents! And getting to spend time with BOTH! Not many kids can say the same thing.
Meanwhile - for yourself, it is tough! I know! Suddenly you have to find hobbies, figure out what to do with yourself, your world doesn't wholey revolve around your child anymore. It is a transition time - take a class at your local adult ed or community center. Volunteer at the library. Join a soccer league. Who knows, maybe you might even start dating! try to focus on the positives and the lonliness will dissapeer.

Kristen - posted on 12/15/2009

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Ya know...I don't know what the right answer is. My youngest daughter is a 50/50 kiddo. I think it is harder on her than anyone else. Going back and forth like that seems to me tortures her a bit. There are days when she feels guilty if she has conflicting plans or perhaps wants to stay home. I hear you and it is hard....

Tara - posted on 12/14/2009

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we live in different states..but its only a 20 minute drive so thats why this type of schedule went the way that it did..Right now school isn't an issue because he is only 2 1/2 going on 3 but i maintained primary residency which means his father has to bring him to the school where we live when that starts.. i am hopeful that that won't be an issue when he starts school and my attorney stated it wouldn't be... when he starts preschool his dad is suppose to bring him down here where we live too

Kristin - posted on 12/14/2009

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My ex and I have 50/50 except her has my daughter monday and tuesday night, i have her wednesday night and thursday night and then we switch everyother weekend! it definately was an adjustment for all of us but it has come to work pretty well!

Samantha - posted on 12/14/2009

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What happens if you guys live in two different areas like two diffrent school zones? Just curious how that works?

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