Is it a good idea to give my baby my last name and not his?

Lauren - posted on 07/18/2009 ( 81 moms have responded )

25

5

0

I want him to be involved with her if he wants to be and as it stands he is on sometimes and off sometimes. Here is the scarry thing though, I don't trust him or his family to leave me alone forever, especially if Evey (the baby to be) has his last name. I kinda felt it as a moral delima, and my last name doesn't really mean that much to me because my dad just dropped off the face of the earth around 5 yrs old. But I just don't know what to do. What will I tell her one day when she asks "mommy why?" And I deffinately don't think he is fit to have her himself and with the mental issues his family has I don't want them to try as well. My family has reassured me that no matter what this won't happen, and if it does we will win. But I don't want to fight for her, she is mine, and I am a more than fit mother, people have told me for years what a great mom I will make.

So the question is if he is there for the birth, should I give her his name? Or maybe I should not have him there and just give her my name?



I have made my decision, she will have my last name. thank you for your help and comments. if anyone has any legal advice about anything pertaining to this topic feel free to still comment. I have gotten a lot of great tips from you guys.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Precious - posted on 07/21/2009

2

4

0

Try this one and see what he says. When he's ready to commit 100% all the time then you'll give her his last name. Must prove it for some years. You can change it before she goes to school if he's proven himself in the mean time you can tell her she has both names and teach her to spell them. But when it's time to start school depending on how he is you'll know your next move.It's a compromise and anyone will to do what it takes for their child will settle for a compromise knowing that they've broken their word before. As far as you loosing your daughter if you are a good provider for your child no judge will take her away from you. If there are issues with him and his family and it concerns her wellfare there is family court. He can have supervised visits or he'll be prohibited from taking her to his family's home or near them

Ashley - posted on 07/20/2009

1

0

0

Hi Laruren I just got done going through a custody hearing...He will not get custody of your daughter he will only get legal joint custody. Meaning every other weekend and holiday, ect. But the last name issue. I gave my son my last name and he took me to court the court ordered it to be hypend...and he had to pay for it to be done...well he hasnt done it yet and its been 6 months...shows you how much he really wanted it! But good luck with everything!

Tabatha - posted on 07/19/2009

15

10

0

I say give her your last name because if you are already having problems before she is born you don't want to deal with trying to take cutody away and give her your future husbands name because I have been trying to do that with my oldest for 4 years now and my oldest is still stuck with his last name and the rest of us have a different last name. It makes me feel bad because he is 8 years old and sometimes he says that he does not feel like part of the family because he does not have our last name. I wish I had given him my last name when he was born and maybe he would feel better about himself and feel like part of the family.

Jennifer - posted on 07/19/2009

7

8

0

My oldest son has my last name. His father was there for everything and we are friends. He never got upset about it, and was understanding because we werent together when he was born. After a few years I got married and had another son and he has his last name. Now Im pregnant and my husband and I are getting divorced. He has all but fallen off the planet. Never calls or makes any effort to see how his son is or how Im doing with being pregnant. So now Im wanting to change my sons last name. And this baby will have my maiden name. Kids question why they dont have the same name as mom. Especially if the dad ends up not coming around anymore. If you are the one taking care of the baby then you have every right to give the baby your name. There is no law saying the baby has to have the fathers name.

Kim - posted on 07/19/2009

8

9

0

You never know whats going to happen so definately give her your last name believe me it makes all the diifference in the long run, I have one son who has my last name and no father listed on the birth certificate and Ive had no problems in court. Kinda makes me wish that the other kids were that way as well.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

81 Comments

View replies by

Melba - posted on 10/16/2012

1

0

0

I am the grandmother and my daughter is having her baby in March. I am very concerned the he might take the baby if they ever get into a fight, They are not married,and have no intention to. With the baby's last name she and her baby can stay on our health insurance. If the baby takes the father's name the they will have to go on Mass Health, the insurance that';e free. To add to the problem next March 2014. I am inheriting quite a large sum of money. This is from a trust fund and the trust is very strict as to who and when people get paid. I really don't want the boyfriend to think that they have a free ride now. i am very worried . Should my daughter give the baby our last name or the father's last name. I don'y want to have to go to court if something happens,but I will if I have to and i will go as far as changing the baby's name back to our family name. Please help me with some advice.

Monique - posted on 08/25/2012

11

1

1

I'd say, if he's not your husband, then give the child your last name. I wish I had given my children my last name since I never married their dad.

Guys Have Too - posted on 08/22/2012

1

0

0

its really ashame that i ran across this site not to be disrespectfull or nothing but it seem to me a lot of you ladies choices are made out of anger the system is not for guys its for ladies we all know that but am hearing you talk about these guys like they are aleins or something, the children are never the problem it the adults thats the problem i wonder how many of you act so stupid with the man untill he just said forget it all am say just cause the child with you dont act like you run the world stop trying to be so controling ifn both the parents are ok the do whats right for the child sack and stop trippen

Tasha - posted on 07/05/2011

5

23

0

i gave my kids their dads last name.. since he has never done anything for them,, at least when he dies they will collect something from him...... i was told they have to hold his last name to collect off his social security.. not to sure how true this is now but 18 yrs ago this was how it had to be .. i guess

Katie - posted on 07/04/2011

1

0

0

hiya lauren i am expecting a baby and i duno which surname i should give it, i have just been told by a friend that i the baby has its dad surname they can take that baby without ur consent and it isnt classed as kidnap and their is nothing the police can do so i am debating on which to do :(

Danielle - posted on 06/09/2010

1

13

0

good job girl from what it looks he isn't a very big part in your daughters life.. so you made the right choice. my son has mine and his dads hyphenated.. besides if your not married to his dad then it's better this way.. besides one day when she gets married it will change soon enough down the road!

Aimee - posted on 06/09/2010

20

45

1

i gave my daughter his last name and i completely regret it, since he is a really bad father. if i could do it over again i would giver her my last name.

Brittany - posted on 06/09/2010

5

3

0

I just had a baby boy three mnths ago. And i was debabting on giving him my name or his dads but i didnt want his dad to have the rights to take him for the weekend and things like that cause my baby probably would of never came back. So i gave him my last name and im glad i did because his has nothing to do with him at all.

Patrice - posted on 06/08/2010

7

24

1

listen if you want your child to have your last name so be it because now a day's nigga's just stick and run like little boy's so you are good the hell with let that baby have your last name.

Jamie - posted on 06/08/2010

12

28

0

I'm going through a divorce right now and am in the process of changing my last name. I don't want the cheating bastard's last name and I wish my daughter didn't have to carry it either. That being said, her father is most definitely in her life through child support and visitations. My situation is a little different from yours because I always expected us all to have the same last name.

I say give your little girl your name. If your man can't commit to this new family 100% right now, then your daughter has no business carrying his name. When you're the one changing diapers or running her to the hospital for a middle of the night temperature, you'll be glad she has your name. You'll be the one caring for her day in and day out. Give her a name you both can be proud of.

Ronnie - posted on 06/08/2010

14

20

0

Girl, there is nothing wrong with giving your last name, even with your situation. I too went through the same thing. My dad left when I was 2. My first two kids have my ex husband's last name. after I divorced I had another child. I gave her my last name which so happens to be my ex's. After the divorce I stayed with his last name for my kids. The only thing was my daughter also got her sister/brother's last name even if they don't have the same father. the only reason was why i did that was cuz you know how kids could be mean. Well now she is 9 years old and knows who her bio father is, even if he is not part of her world. Whatever you do, do what is gonna make you happy and don't worry what others say.

Jen - posted on 06/05/2010

48

47

2

I was in the same situation kinda. Both of my girls have my last name because I don't think the fathers are worthy and I don't see them ever being there for the girls. But it's really your decision and what you believe in. My first daughter it took me a while to decide what to do because I was new at it and then after that I knew better. But I hope it helped a little.

Yuke - posted on 06/03/2010

18

8

0

Hi Lauren. I think it's all are your decision. Do whatever you think is right and makes you comfort. I'm sure whatever your decision is the best thing for your baby. I'm sure you are a good mom. And with all your LOVE to your baby, i think someday she'll understand for whatever your decision is.. Just follow your heart

Danielle - posted on 06/02/2010

18

14

4

The only legal advice is if HE wants her to bare his last nane...i know in the state mississippi not sure if its for all states....he can take you to court over and he will win.

Antonia - posted on 06/02/2010

2

14

0

do not give him ur last name r even name him on birhcert if you dont wanna have to fight

Sheila - posted on 08/16/2009

5

10

0

My daughters father is a very sick person which I didn't find out about until I was 4 months pregnant. I choose not to give her his last name so I wouldn't be forced into seeing him and so that he had no legal rights to her at all. This way it was my choice unless he protested custody which he won't and hasn't. Luckly for me even if he did the best he could get is supervised visitation. As for her asking mommy why a friend told me to keep a journal for her of the big decisions I have to make for her and why I've made them that way when she is old enough I can give it to her and she can see and perhaps understand why I choose not to let her father around (plus the state said no) or any other big decision that is going to be made in the next 18-20 years. Good Luck!

Jennifer - posted on 08/13/2009

2

17

0

Thats a great decision. I gave my daughter her fathers last name, after many a fight. I regret it with all I have to this day. She is 6 now. It is going to be a lot of money, paperwork, and stress getting her name changed! He has not seen her in over two years, calls occasionally, and has never sent a dime! When she was born he promised her the world. I guess its a small world! ;0) Good luck and many blessings

Monette - posted on 08/13/2009

1

1

0

From my perspective, since I've been there, is to give your child your last name! You will be their primary caregiver their entire lives. And especially since your not sure whether he'll stick around, how would you explain to your child that their last name comes from someone that doesn't stick around. You will always be around, and thus will not have any real explaining to do. If you do give your child his last name, and you do go to court, it will only hurt your case. Giving your child his last name will create doubts with the court that there was every any real issue with your ex, since you thought it best to give your child his last name. But, that's just my two cents.

Anita - posted on 08/13/2009

1

20

0

When I gave birth to my first daughter, I gave her my last name because her father had denied her. I felt that giving her his last name was not going to make him fit to be her father. She has done great with my name, maybe better with out her father's. I guess it really depends on the situation with the parents. You did the right thing in my book. Never second guess yourself.

Kira - posted on 08/13/2009

5

25

0

i gave my daughter her dads last name for the reason that she was a girl and when she gets old enough it will change and also she needed a part of her dad with her so thats what made my decision

Andrea - posted on 08/13/2009

1

17

0

hey lauren. I am a single mother of a 3 year old. And he has my last name.Which has actually been a good thing b/cuz his father don't have no rights. he's not on the birth certificate either. He was a drunk and as much as I wanted my son 2 carry on my last name, I made a deal w/ his daddy. If he stayed sober for 6months I would Let him have his last name.It didn't even last 3 days.But anywayz.. I think it's a great thing to give him ur last name. Just because ur dad walked out don't mean anything. Ur last name has a L000ng history. And Even better a NEW history.

Tammy - posted on 08/12/2009

3

4

0

Robyn,

I don't think there is anything wrong with giving your child your last name and the fathers i have two children and ones carries my last name and the other he's and they have never had a problem with it and nobody has ever asked why we did it that way. So you do what you feel is right for you and your child.

Summer - posted on 08/11/2009

70

14

17

I was afraid to give my daughter my last name (or even name her what I wanted to name her instead of what he wanted) because I was afraid he wouldn't bond with her. Well, he never bonded with our daughter and he didn't even know that her last name was different for a really long time. The name will not affect whether or not he is a deadbeat. It will make a difference to you, and if you feel sorry for the dad, just hyphenate...you are worthy to have your child bear your last name.

Allie - posted on 08/11/2009

8

12

0

my son has my last name because his father wasn't there to sign the paternity papers or the birth certificate. he isn't happy about it and wants me to change his name but he has to prove to me that he wants to be in his life. Is that wrong?

Laura - posted on 08/09/2009

3

2

0

the dad of my baby was on and off when i was pregnant but i gave my baby my last name as he is my child more becuase im the one looking after him and raising and providing for him. he is in my family not his dads as his dad never sees him. surnames are family names and he is being brought up in my family so has my name. his dad reacently saw him in town and just walked past with his now newly pregnant g.f so i am glad he has my name

[deleted account]

Hi Lauren,

I know you have a lot of posts for your question but I just wanted to say that I was faced with the same decision 4 months ago and I decided at the very last minute to give my son my surname since there was no real committment in my relationship.

To be honest it has been one of the best decisions I have made for my son as his father decided to not be around for us, I guess the drugs were more important than having a family.

So glad you decided to give your baby girl your surname. If any questions come about you can explain to your daughter (in a nice way) why you made the decision and I am more than certain she will be proud of you for letting her share your name alongside the person who has brought her up =)

Francesca - posted on 08/08/2009

38

54

0

My son has my last name, much to his fathers disgrace. we did come to decide on having his name double barrelled but when his father refused to be on his birth certificate i gave him an ultimatum...............if he dusnt put his name on it then he will only be having my name, so he took my name. 2 months later his father went back to his native of Spain ans obviously had a convo with his family (who HATE the fact he has had a baby with an english girl) and he now has nothing to do with my son, he also lives next door and we see him every day! his loss! its ur decision but i would say give ur baby ur name, you've done all the hard work! good luck!

Beth - posted on 08/08/2009

4

2

0

I have 2 kids and both has different last names, my son is 6 yrs. and in the state we lived in when he was born if your married the baby automaticly gets the fathers last name, when we got divorced I chose to keep my ex - husbands last name cause it was the same as my son's name. My daughter however has my mom's maiden last name, cause the father was not around and would not sign paternity, he still wont sign for nothing. Call me mean, but he has NO rights to her as of right now and I like that, unless he decides to take me to court for everything then he has to pay for it. The way I look at it is that if he wanted rights or anything, he wouldve gotten on the ball by now. My kids are MINE, I care for them when they're sick, injured, can't sleep, or just want someone to cuddle, I've done evrything with both of them by myself, sleepless nights etc. so until they want to grow up and be responsible then they are both my children, I would love for the both of their fathers to be an active part of their lives but, obviously they think differently. I hope this helps some and isn't too negative, I wish the best for your bundle of joy... congrats :) P.S. Where were all these nice mommies when I was Preggo??? :)

Shantanna - posted on 08/07/2009

34

4

2

I too am being faced with that choice. I am about to give birth to my son in a few weeks. At first I was going to name my child completely after him and make him a jr. just to spite him for denying my son. Then I decided that was not only childish but how do you explain to your child why he is named after someone who he doesnt know? So I took a few hours to think about it and decided I would give him my last name because am the one who is going to be taking care of him and giving him love and support. I refuse to give my child someone's name who doesnt care about him. This is my child and no one has claim to him but me.

Prudence - posted on 08/07/2009

1

16

0

I decided this was my baby regardless of the involvement level of the father, so my soon to be daughter will have my last name. Stick with your decision. :) I already have the baby's name picked and now the father wants to change it. I don't think so, he hasn't been around for the last few months what makes him think he gets to pick her name. Sorry dude until I get $$ you have no say. :)

[deleted account]

Give the baby your last name and leave it that way.... if you both decide to get married one day add the fathers name to it... from personal experience I gave my son both our names knepper-davenport then we got married and he convinced me to change it to just davenport and I regret it now everyday since we now are divorced... 7 years later....now my son has no attachment to me or my name silly but I still regret it..

[deleted account]

I gave my sone my last name, if you child is with you most of the time it will make your life 10 times easier.

Sarah - posted on 08/07/2009

9

2

1

I split with the babies dad before he was born (actually before we found out i was pregnant... but thats another story) luckily at the moment he is very involved in our sons life and sees him most days and we've remained great friends, he has his surname and mine. I was told that if you gave the child his surname completely then he has a lot more rights. Don't feel pressured into giving the baby his name though. You don't even need to put him on the birth certificate. I don't know where you're from but I was told that the dad had to be present if he was going on the birth certificate anyway.
In the end i went for double barrelled as I wanted him to have his fathers name but at the same time, we're not together anymore, we're never going to be, so he should have my name!!
it's completely you're decision though, I hope you're happy what you decide.

Tameka - posted on 08/07/2009

10

40

0

I GAVE MY CHILDREN BOTH OF OUR LAST NAMES. I HYPENATED THE NAMES, MY LAST NAME- HIS LAST NAME. THAT WAY WHEN THEY GET OLDER THAEY CAN CHOOSE WHETHER OR NOT TO KEEP HIS NAME OR MINES OR LEAVE IT AS IS.

Rebecca - posted on 08/06/2009

10

9

0

I broke up with my baby's dad a week before I had my daughter, because he is lazy, irresponsible, other thing were more important to him than me and bill& having money, he has legal issues..etc. I didn't give my baby his last name, because i don't want him around, and if for some reason he decides to take me to court, he'll have to pay for a paternity test.

Delana - posted on 08/06/2009

11

19

1

Lauren,

i am married... Have been for 8 years now. I have a 6yr a 7yr and a 10yr. My 10yr, my husband adopted. She had my Last name now her name is hyphanted. Well when i had the other 2 I did the same thing to their last names so they would all be the same. I kept my last name and he has his.. so they all 3 have both of our names.. i wouldnt change it for nothing in the world.. If something were to happen between the 2 of us they would still feel part of the both of us! If I were to remarry I wouldnt change my name .

Kate - posted on 08/05/2009

111

6

7

im in the same boat but igave her his last name and now hes sueing for custody!! if you dont want his family to have no hold on you all than, put yours down if you tell the hosptial why ( i was married they assumed) they will put yours. i for one had my grandfathers last name.

Christy - posted on 08/04/2009

9

0

0

Honestly I tried to get my daughter to have my last name but I had her in another state with his family (not by choice) and I was out numbered bc it was only his family. But I wanted her to have my last name bc I know she is going to ask why one day why her name isnt the same as everyone elses. (her father isnt really in the picture is currently in jail the last two yrs.) But I would give her your last name then if you guys do work it out by chance if you get married then change her name.

I just read your last sentence but I hope you keep your decision

Charmain - posted on 08/04/2009

3

0

1

take my advise and give your children your last name... maybe one day you wil get married and have another baby and your first baby wil feel left out.

that is what happent with my aunt.

i've done it with both my children and they both have differnt fathers, but atleast we all have he same last name.

good luck!

Kate - posted on 08/03/2009

1

19

0

I'm having my 1st baby boy in 3 1/2 months and I'm in the same boat. Broke up with the father of my child to be and he is from the US. He says he is coming over for when the baby is born to be there for his first couple of months but I really would like to have my own last name as I am living with my family, the father will hardly be a part of his life if he doesn't move here to Australia and I don't want to cause him any heartache as he grows up and gets confused as to why he has a different last name to me.



If the father does come when my lil boy is born, would I have to put his last name? or because we are not married, can I give my baby my last name?

Kerri - posted on 08/03/2009

15

7

0

Give her your last name. I made the mistake of giving my daughter her fahers last name- you hve to register her for school and travel with her. It's harder to get on a planewith a kid and you cant leave the counrty without a birth certificate and an order of custoy- although they dont check with yo so much if you dont. Also it makes her feel like less apart of your family when she has a different last name.

if her father isn't in her life then there are so many whys. And if he is then it's hard.



Themost annoying thing that happens to me is that i am constantly called "mrs smith." because that's her fathers last name.



if you get married then youll also be unable to change her name if she has his name. with your name you have more control of everything in her life even medical issues that make it easier if you have the same name. I had an issue with my daughter in the er where they needed her Birth certificate before i could sing for treatment when she broke her leg.

Christine - posted on 08/02/2009

9

25

1

My daughter is 4 and a half months old, her fathr has seen her only once and clearly doesnt want to be involved with her or in her life. It kinda sucks for my daughter to have to grow up without a father but it is his choice. I gave her my last name because I knew he wasnt going to be around. **Also if he isnt on the birth certificate and you want to go back to school you can get single mother grants and other financial aid**

Amanda - posted on 08/01/2009

11

5

0

I gave my daughter my last name because he was not around during my pregnancy. She is 2 now and he has another child that is one month old by someone else. He doesn't see my child and informs me that he can't pay child support. I am very thankful that I did not give her my last name.

Bree - posted on 07/31/2009

8

29

0

I was in the same boat when my son was born. The dad was around month 8 and 9, the birth, and month1 and 2 of my son's life. He still comes around every so often, but I gave my son my last name, and just told him that's how it's going to be. And if he changed in the future and we got married =| I would change my son's name to his, but I don't see that happening. I don't think you'll have any problems with her having your last name!

Stephanie - posted on 07/30/2009

23

22

0

I went thru the exact same delimma...asked everyone, they ALL said to give her my name, like a dummy I didn't listen. She has his last name and 2 months ago he went back home to Mexico...leaving her with nothing but his name. I kinda regret giving her his last name, but so far not enough to persue changing it. We'll see what happens when she gets to be school-aged???

Astridia - posted on 07/30/2009

14

11

1

i was in the same delimna & i also chose to give my son my last name--i am soooo glad i did because now he barely has contact for whatever reason he wants to use. I am very honest with my son & don't make excuses for his "dad". I hope things are going good for u & ur baby...& the dad is involved! GOD Bless u!

Sara - posted on 07/30/2009

53

14

3

My thoughts are that my son and any other children I might have will carry my last name. If my last name changes so does thiers. I told my son's father this and he threatened me, so he is out of the picture mostly by his choice, and I never once thought to give my son his name. He isnt stable in any way but he is good with his other child, so if he wanted supervised visits thats ok.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms