Is it a good idea to give my baby my last name and not his?

Aileen - posted on 07/30/2009

Hi Lauren, I'm Aileen from Manila, and had battled with the same question you asked now 9 years ago. Since I was not married to the father of my daughter, it was not mandatory for me to have my daughter use his last name, although it was an option. I'm glad I had her used mine....there are less complications as far as legalities are concerned and I get to decide on major things that has any effects on my daughter. I never regretted.

Brenda - posted on 07/30/2009

That's tricky.If the father is off and on and you feel someday he will just take off and not see your child again. Then I would give him your last name.

Jessica - posted on 07/27/2009

I think it's great to hear all these other moms that feel the same way I do. A lot of my friends have questioned my reasoning behind giving my son my last name, until I explain it to them. Then they understand. But all the mothers here seem to have gone through the same or similar situations as me, and everyone seems to be on the same page. Thanks!

Ashley - posted on 07/27/2009

my sons father took off when i was 4 months along. He now has my last name cause i wasnt going to deal with his family! Some day they will understand that is was best for them to have moms last name!

Autumn - posted on 07/27/2009

First of all, I just wanted to say that I am truly sorry you are in the position you are in. You are in the position (exactly even down to the mental issues with the paternal grandparents, etc) that I was in 10yrs ago. I applaud you for deciding to give the baby your last name. However, as I learned, if he really wants to push the issue of seeing the child, I have found that at least in my state of Ca, as long as there is established paternity, then he is entitled to see my son. Never mind the fact that he has been incarcerated, never pays child support and is just in general an overall bad person. Unless I have proof that my son is in real danger (physical, sexual or emotional) or if I can prove that he is on drugs (I have requested drug testing be a requirement to establish visitation) then by law, the father owns the right to see his child. You can request supervised visits, but ultimately, this has really been a nightmare. Hopefully your situation is not this dramatic, or hopefully he drops out of the picture on his own, but please beware you may have a rocky road ahead. My only advice would be to establish custody of your child now. In my state, if the parents are not married, technically neither parent has legal custody until it has been established in court. Good Luck with everything. My thoughts are with you!

Jane - posted on 07/25/2009

Hi Lauren
I agree with your decision I have 2 children and they both have my last name and its so much better - we are a family so we have the same last names!! As for legal rights I have no law knowledge but as far as I know if you are unmarried the father has to be with you when you register the birth for his name to go on the birth certificate. Warning!! if his name is on it he will have parental responsability shared with you but if he is not on it he does not and would have to seek legal help to do so. Both my children do not have their fathers name on the bith certificate. This worried me at first about how they might feel but with a loving open honest relationship with your child they get it. Hope it all goes well for you - good luck and enjoy your child xx

Coleen - posted on 07/25/2009

I wish I gave my daughter my last name, partly for the fact noone knows my last name. All her friends and teachers call me Mrs. W... which I am NOT. I really regret the decision I made. This may be a selfish reason but she IS my daughter and a part of me is lost because she doesn't have my name. I am glad to hear you are giving him your name.

Monica - posted on 07/24/2009

I had this same delima when I was pregnant with my son. I chose to give him his father's name mainly because if something ever happens to his father then there would be no mistaken that he would receive what is due to him. Just another point of view to consider.

Jennifer - posted on 07/24/2009

Okay, so I have 5 sons. 3 different dads. Two of the dads are very much a part of the boys life, and the FOB (father of baby) as the nurses at the hospital referred to him as- has very little to do with him. I gave the baby my last name and did not put the father on the birth certificate. I figured if he wanted it on there that bad, he would have to prove himself worthy. I chose to keep the little one not get rid of him as his father wanted and from that point on he was mine.
A friend of mine who is also a single mother pointed out that you can always add the father to the birth certificate, but you can never remove it. Knowing that made the decision easier. Also, even if you choose to let the FOB in the delivery room, does not mean you have to put him on the birth certificate. You owe him nothing. Save your energy for growing that baby, and being an awesome mommy.

Lisa - posted on 07/24/2009

I have been in the same dilemna my son has a different father than his sisters but I gave him my married name which i kept after divorce, that was so he could have the same name as my daughters and i. I had a hard time with it until my grandmother said it didn't matter, he is my son no matter what his name is.

Karie - posted on 07/23/2009

I have a six year old and dad was around but we weren't together when I had him, I am so glad I gave my son my last name and not his, because now he's out and I think Kam is content with my last name,, the teen years will tell

Amber - posted on 07/22/2009

I'm not sure where you live, but in the state of Kentucky if he would want to have anything to do with her after the birth he has to take the steps, like paying for the dna test, then they wsould make him go through parenting classes and counseling before he could even have visitation rights. I went throught the same thing when I was pregnant with my little girl. I was terrified that after a real rough pregnancy, rough delivery, and 17 days in the NICU he could come in and lay claim. So I went to a family lawyer. Like I said Im not sure where you live but I hope this helps some.

Nichole - posted on 07/21/2009

I have a 6 week old baby and my bf and I broke up a few weeks ago, I regret giving her his last name, so much! I am the one with sole custody and now every single time we get asked our names, its dumb, I have to clarify I am her mom just have a different last name (Dr's, DHS, etc...)

Angela - posted on 07/21/2009

if he marries you, your daughter can have his last name other than that she gets your last name. I'm in the same boat love!

Amy - posted on 07/21/2009

I have been through the question do I give the baby my name or His and I chose His and I promise you if think that things will never work out between you and the father give the baby your name you will be thankful a few years down the road....My daughter is now 12 years old and he dad signed over all of his right to her when she was 21mths old and I had the chose to leave his name on her or change it and I left his name on her and I wish a 1000 times I hadnt of done that my daughter is 12 years old now and hopes that within the next year she can change her name.

Precious - posted on 07/21/2009

Try this one and see what he says. When he's ready to commit 100% all the time then you'll give her his last name. Must prove it for some years. You can change it before she goes to school if he's proven himself in the mean time you can tell her she has both names and teach her to spell them. But when it's time to start school depending on how he is you'll know your next move.It's a compromise and anyone will to do what it takes for their child will settle for a compromise knowing that they've broken their word before. As far as you loosing your daughter if you are a good provider for your child no judge will take her away from you. If there are issues with him and his family and it concerns her wellfare there is family court. He can have supervised visits or he'll be prohibited from taking her to his family's home or near them

Ashley - posted on 07/20/2009

Hi Laruren I just got done going through a custody hearing...He will not get custody of your daughter he will only get legal joint custody. Meaning every other weekend and holiday, ect. But the last name issue. I gave my son my last name and he took me to court the court ordered it to be hypend...and he had to pay for it to be done...well he hasnt done it yet and its been 6 months...shows you how much he really wanted it! But good luck with everything!

Nicole - posted on 07/20/2009

You can always give her both names. It shouldn't matter if he is there for her birth or not by what name she will have. He could show for the birth and then decide that he doesn't want anything to do once the question of child supprt arrises. Your last name should matter to you even if it was given to you by a man who fell off the face of the earth. That is your name and you have name something of yourself and might want to show your child that you are proud of you. If you give the child both names then when she is older she can ecide what name she wishes to use. I will admit that I regret sometimes not giving my sons both names even though there father was there we were not married at the time of the childrens birth and now we are divorced. My delima is that I am the last family member with my name and once I die that is it so you need to decide if you want your name that you have made into something to carry on with your child.

Sarah - posted on 07/20/2009

I went through this as well. My son is now 15months. His father and I had our ups and downs and when i say downs i mean it but we have come threw for my son or at least i should say we are friends for his sake. he lives 2000 miles away and has only seen him a hand full of times. I gave my son my last name. I said if he was at the birth i would have givn him both but he was not there. His father choose his first name (i loved it tho) we agreed on the middle name and i choose to put his fathers last name was a second middle name and my last name it made the most since to me. I was scared that doing that the father would never come around but i have learned that it wouldnt have mattered if he had his last name or not it would have been the same. He has a daugher who lives where I live and she has his last name and she is treated the same as my son. crappy but it was what it is, we all just have to be strong and be Mommy and Daddy! Or find a Good man (father, bro, cuz, or whatever to be a father figure)

Jennifer - posted on 07/20/2009

Lauren,

I went thru the same dilemma when I was carrying my Son. His Father & I were engaged. So I thought my last name would be the same as theirs soon so I gave him Dad’s surname. Little did I know Dad would get so scared of Baby boy, me & responsibility that he would come home one night & pack his stuff with no warning? My Son is about to start school & it bothers me that we have different surnames. I have even thought of changing it but little did I know I Need dad’s consent for that.

If you just can’t choose…Hyphenate.

Tabatha - posted on 07/19/2009

I say give her your last name because if you are already having problems before she is born you don't want to deal with trying to take cutody away and give her your future husbands name because I have been trying to do that with my oldest for 4 years now and my oldest is still stuck with his last name and the rest of us have a different last name. It makes me feel bad because he is 8 years old and sometimes he says that he does not feel like part of the family because he does not have our last name. I wish I had given him my last name when he was born and maybe he would feel better about himself and feel like part of the family.

Jennifer - posted on 07/19/2009

My oldest son has my last name. His father was there for everything and we are friends. He never got upset about it, and was understanding because we werent together when he was born. After a few years I got married and had another son and he has his last name. Now Im pregnant and my husband and I are getting divorced. He has all but fallen off the planet. Never calls or makes any effort to see how his son is or how Im doing with being pregnant. So now Im wanting to change my sons last name. And this baby will have my maiden name. Kids question why they dont have the same name as mom. Especially if the dad ends up not coming around anymore. If you are the one taking care of the baby then you have every right to give the baby your name. There is no law saying the baby has to have the fathers name.

Lauren - posted on 07/19/2009

thank you all for your input. :D

Kim - posted on 07/19/2009

You never know whats going to happen so definately give her your last name believe me it makes all the diifference in the long run, I have one son who has my last name and no father listed on the birth certificate and Ive had no problems in court. Kinda makes me wish that the other kids were that way as well.

Kelly - posted on 07/19/2009

My son has my name i asked his dad if he wanted him to have his name and he said no he didnt even want to be on the birthday certificate u do what u feel is right and i believe u will do what is best for ur child and if giving u ur name is what u think is best then do it, im glad i gave my son my last name and not his fathers as his dad hasnt seen him yet and lochlan is 8 months old, Good luck with ur desicion

Kryssie - posted on 07/19/2009

i was a single mum and i gave my boy my name..when i then met and married my now ex hubby we had 2 more children and i changed my sons surname to his, my sis gave her first child the dads surname-split from him gave her 2nd child her name and wishes she had done that previously as now only no.1 has a diff name...i wouldnt want to have diff names to my kids...

Dianne - posted on 07/19/2009

well my daughter has my name altho her father still sees her and we are friends for the sake of her. she was given my name as i was still living with my parents when she was born and i wasnt sure when i would be moving out so i wanted her growing up in a house where everyone had the same name. me and her father were not together at the birth however he was still with me all the way so my circumstances may be alot different to yours. if u are going to be bringing her up on your own full time then i think ur baby should have your name but reasure the father he is always welcome to see her and having your name wont affect his relationship with his daughter. and when the time comes that she might ask u why she has your name just be honest with her and keep to her level depending on how old she is at the time. dont stress over it though :-) she wont hold it againsed u for having your surname cos to her its just a name and shows her u care

Lauren - posted on 07/18/2009

Flag as inappropriate Are you sure? Yes | No Posted by Hannah Bradbrook (10:52 pm)

Hi Lauren, i know what you mean. But I think the baby having the same name as that who is their primary caregiver provides a sense of belonging and security. Having to explain to kids at school why they dont have the same name etc..

Anyway, its your name and your child, she is a part of you no matter what the name represents to you.. start your own branch of loving 'Greys' !!





"Greys"?

Hannah - posted on 07/18/2009

Hi Lauren, i know what you mean. But I think the baby having the same name as that who is their primary caregiver provides a sense of belonging and security. Having to explain to kids at school why they dont have the same name etc..

Anyway, its your name and your child, she is a part of you no matter what the name represents to you.. start your own branch of loving 'Greys' !!

Lauren - posted on 07/18/2009

thank you so much for that. You just gave me a little more solidarity in my decision, no one else has really done that. Thank you.

Jessica - posted on 07/18/2009

I'm kinda in the same boat. I'm about to give birth to a son, and his father left four months ago and just got married (nice, right?). I don't trust him or his significant other to be around my child.



For awhile I debated over the whole last name thing. And then someone pointed out how great things are named after the people that made them. His father may have helped create my son, but I'm the one carrying him, I'm the one who's going to give birth to him, I'm the one who has had to get everything prepared, and I'm the one who's going to raise him. He is my accomplishment and I have every right to give him my last name! What right does his father have to lay any claim to him?