Is it wrong to move away from my child's father?

Tonya - posted on 04/11/2013

so basically I have her Thurssay- Sunday every week and I am supposed to pick her up everyday from 5-8pm on mon, tues, wed.....but because of my job I haven't been able to pic her up on mon,tues, wed for a long long time....He refuses to change it.....I'm angry, sad, discouraged....but I am tired of HIm and men in general making me feel inferior...I am not a man hater ladies I've just decided that I am important and I'm putting me and my daughter first instead of them.....He does it all the time even to this day....tells my daughter that I have a big butt and that I have more stretch marks that he's ever seen....how is that supposed to make her feel about having a baby later on????? ..Im gonna fight this time......PERIOD!!!

Tonya - posted on 04/11/2013

Thanks You guys for your encouragement and understanding....In My x's response tho all of this he tried to get Full costody...WHATTTTT????? Dude I just want to move to better her's and my own health...... and I have offered to provide trasportation and everything when she visits...tried to make it where he saw her damn near 50% of the time...that's alot of frikkin gas money...lol......Well we went to court and he agreed in mediation that I could move and go get "established" then we would meet back in court on July 20th to see if everything is going well with my job...yada yada yada.....After we got out of mediation...I started thinking about all the reasons we aren't together....and all of those reasons came out in mediation...Not in a yelling screaming match but It hit me when I got out of mediation that he is still a munipulitive egotistical man who will do and say anything to be in control and has no intention of letting her move even when we come back in July......So I took the papers to a Laywer and she said don't move....He's trying to gain total control and if you move he will have it and in July will come back and say that He still won't let our daughter go....Took papers to get a second opinion and the laywer said the same thing :(....so after months of proving that the air quality and her asthma were the main reasons I was moving I have chosen to stay and higher a laywer....but in the mean time the schedule is soooo messed up because he has never agreed to change it from when she was two..Ive tried to go to mediation 5 times so we wouldn';t have to pay for attorneys...ugghhhhh.....My work schedule has changed ..she a fourth grader now and he thingks the schedule is fine.......Let me tell you what the schedule is.....even the mediater was like why do you guys still have this schedule???? Anyhow the schedule is screwy because I agreed way back when to take her every weekend because he worked on the weekends then when I changed jobs I was working weekends....But he basically said tough crap and In a seven year period because of this she has missed out on nearly 7 months of time with me..........I still want to move but now I'm going to do it with a someone backing me....but I'm not the kind of person to take him for everything he has....My mom wishes I would...lol....but all I want is for mine and my daughters health to get better...I hate taking an inhaler twice a day plus allergy meds every day....same with my daughter.....HELPPPPPPP!!!! :)

Lizette - posted on 04/01/2013

i don't think it's selfish at all to want to move for a better opportunity

Julie - posted on 03/28/2013

Going through a similar situation. My son is 8 and his dad sees him every week, but his dad is very lazy, lives with his mom and he's 40, he works late into the night at clubs. I live 10 minutes from him because I worked out that way, it just made sense. I got married 2 years ago, and last year I got a new job making way better money. My ex (never married) does not pay child support, and has never. He likes the comfort and convenience of living half a mile from my son's school, not having to go anywhere because the bus will take him to school and bring him home. My son had spring break and was with his dad 3 days and guess what? His dad slept till past noon all three days. My son called me at work telling me how bored he was. Then there is my husband, who took the rest of the week off work (he gets more time off than I do) and they went to the library, had lunch, went to a pet store, and tossed the ball around. And the next day went to the zoo.
Anyway we want to move a half hour away because the school district my son is in is just not helping him, he really struggles and they just give him passing grades. He really has no idea what he's doing when it comes to math and comprehension. The schools in the area we want to move has amazing schools and are rated very high. They have programs for kids that require extra help. Yeah, no one wants to drive 30 miles away, but I also think my son needs the stability of staying at one home during the school week. Summer would be different, he would be able to spend 3 days a week with his dad, time off school would be worked out too. But my ex is having NONE of it. He insists that our son will remain in the district he is in, doesn't care to hear that our son is struggling, even though he knows it. My son really has no friends and really wants to move to have a fresh start.

User - posted on 03/05/2013

I don't think it's wrong as long it's been spoke about before its happens .you need to live your life too

Tonya - posted on 03/04/2013

I get what some of you are sayin about children being with their fathers as well. @Erin...I am not trying to make it that she doesn't ever see her father. Our issues deal with Asthma and all of the meds she has to take to live in the area we live in now. I have tried countless times to talk her dad about her health and he just says it's an excuse. Ummmm It's not an escuse it's reality and if keeping her here on constant steroids is what he and you thinks is best then this world is more messed up than I thought. He is also a very minipulating person and constantly finds ways for her not to see me. Our agreement is 50/50...I changed jobs about 7 years ago because the money is wayyyyyy better and he DOES NOT pay child support because he claims to make less me....BS!!! When I changed jobs my schedule changed dramatically and he refused to switch the visitation and go to mediation. I have tried to go to mediation 4 times over the last 5 years and he will not go. I have even asked him to go to lunch or dinner to discuss this and he refuses. Over the last 5 to 7 years I have missed a total of 8 months time with her because he would not alter the 50/50 agreement. in a 9 year perios he hasn't had one date or girlfriend...THIS WORRIES ME. There is also a concern from my family members and myself that there may be some mental and physical abuse going on. NOW You tell me that taking a child out of state is wrong under certain circumstances... we have court in a few weeks and he is telling her things like....Your mother is very selfish and she only cares about her boyfriend, and do you know hard it's going to be to make new friends at your age.....REALLY??? I have clearly stated in my declaration to the judge that it is mostly based on health reasons and that I have every intention on letting her come back once a month, most of the summer, and every Holiday there inbetween!!! And I haven't said one bad thing about her father throught this whole thing.... NOT ONE. When she told me that he said that all I said was he's probably just scared and he has every right and then I assured her that I was going to everything I could to make sure she see's him whenever possible. I also explained that where we were going to go she wouldn't have to take asthma meds anymore and hopefully never use and inhaler or singulair again. I just think that if parents don't make such a big deal and get all dramatic about changing a situation then the child sill deal with it better. Most of the time the way the parents respond are more damaging than the actual act. -tonya

Erin - posted on 03/04/2013

If people think that opportunities are more important than reality and what's best for their kids which is both parents having parenting time then why not leave the child with the father and then go get the opportunity and be the parent that never gets to see the child then? I mean seriously if the dad were never interested in the children it'd be one thing but I've seen hundreds of these cases. Moms spirit away the kids and then get mad the dad can't afford to travel 80 miles to see them. It just isn't right. I've seen cases where moms take kids to different states, refuse to let the dad comes see them then lie to all their friends and family and the court and say the dad ignores the child. I understand some cases are different with legitimately horrible dads but most of the time it's just selfishness. I can remember the calls at 10 at night I received from crying men who's only crime was they got divorced and now never get to see their children. I think people ought to think more before they run off. It's not about you anymore it's about your kids too. What do you think your kids will think of you if you lie to them? This happened to my fiance. He was told his mom ran away for no reason and never wanted to see him but the truth is his dad wouldn't let her. He missed out on a whole life of his mom because of this. Disputes can be worked even if it means asking the court to make the decision if it's that important. Taking kids from parents forever is not something that can be fixed later.

Tonya - posted on 02/22/2013

I want to move out of state with my daughter. it's only a 5 hour drive and my daughter has asthma. I live in the central valley near fresno, one of the worst places for Asthma. I want my daughter to see her dad whenever possible, I have nothing against that but he only sees me being selfish because My fiance and his famlily live in Nevada. I am more than willing to meet him half way and or drive her the whole way when I visit my family...He won't even discuss it even though I have asked him 4 times to go to mediation. Since I took a new job over 8 years ago he has been unwilling to adjust the visitation order and I have missed out on almost 7 months of time with her over a 9 year period......he doesn't include me in any decision making even though we have 50/50 on all custody. My biggest concern is her health and mine now that I have been diagnosed with asthma as well but he only see's and hears what he wants to and tells her that the only reason I want to move is because of my man. He only see's that and not the health issues....I have been forced to take him to court even though I didn't want to....He is very un cooperative...what should I ex[ect in court....He even switched schools without telling me...he does not notify my of dr. appts. and He has taken her late to school at least 9 times since school started in Sept.....Am I crazy for being pissed about that????

BigDaddyC - posted on 12/28/2012

BigDaddyC thinks yes if you move away without there being a decent way for father to travel and contact child then no shouldn't move , but if its like other side of country then ok fair play. Your life won't be on hold forever that's how I feel to sometimes but one day your child will look after there self and your chance will be there to do what you've always wanted and obvcourse by that time you would have. Waited along time and enjoy it more x Love BigDaddyCee

BigDaddyC - posted on 12/28/2012

BigDaddyC thinks yes if you move away without there being a decent way for father to travel and contact child then no shouldn't move , but if its like other side of country then ok fair play. Your life won't be on hold forever that's how I feel to sometimes but one day your child will look after there self and your chance will be there to do what you've always wanted and obvcourse by that time you would have. Waited along time and enjoy it more x Love BigDaddyCee

Alison - posted on 11/20/2012

Hi, I notice this is 2 year old but just wondering how things turned out for you? I live in Australia (British born) I am planning to move to another suburb with my Partner but this means moving Schools and about a 40 min drive for my sons Father. I feel very bad about this but its a good move me us and I dont feel I can live so close with my Ex forever. He is a good man but has nothing in his life apart from our son! Cheers Alison

Kristi - posted on 09/30/2012

Emma--



I can see where you are coming from regarding a mother's right to happiness. But what about the child's happiness and stability. Why doesn't the father have rights? The adults chose to part ways. That doesn't mean the kid should have to give up a mom or dad just because they couldn't get along. (I am not talking about abusive situations, that is entirely different) In this case, dad is very involved and active in his child's life. Just because mom doesn't like it where she is anymore does not give her the right to take her child away from his father. Once we have children we do have to do what is best for them. I don't mean if mom has the flu and can barely stand that she should have to get up and take her kid to the park because it is best for him to get outside, exercise, socialize, etc. I'm talking about big picture things.



Without turning this into a dreadfully long post I will just say that I have made very difficult decisions regarding the best interests of my children vs. the best interests of myself. I have sacraficed a great deal for both of them. They each have a different dad and things did not work out with either of their fathers. And despite my personal misery, I did what was best for each child when time called for it. As a result, I haven't seen my son in 10 years and I had to move my daughter away from her friends and half sisters and her school. Fortunately, my son does have a great life and my daughter is doing amazing and is happier than she's ever been. And, as a mother all I've ever wanted for my children was for them to always feel loved, for them to be healthy and happy and not to want for much. So, in the end I got what I really wanted so why should I be resentful?

Melissa - posted on 09/29/2012

To Jen I.

I have been through this situation with my stepdaughters. Its been over a year since Dad has had custody and Mom has spent a total of 16 days with the girls, which was originally a 2 month trip to Mom's cut into a 30 day trip by Mom here (her family lives in the same area as us), cut even shorter by Mom.

No child should ever feel they have to choose between their parents. The little girls she put on the plane to fly back to their Dad are quickly becoming young women and she is missing every precious moment. As the Stepmom, its hard. I do not want to ever make them feel I am trying to take their Mom's place, but they do live with me. The balancing act is delicate, especially as the changing hormones begin flying! :)

Good luck and God Bless

Emma - posted on 09/29/2012

I completely disagree with some of the posts saying that mothers are selfish if they move their children away from their fathers/that your childrens lives are more important than yours etc etc. this is just not the case, if a mother is truly unhappy somewhere, then how is staying in that situation going to help the child?? Its a completely martyr-ish attitude to not consider ones own feelings and how you as a person want to live your life. I agree that your children and fathers should be carefully considered and visitation rights put in order but if a family has broken down it has usually broken down for a reason and having to stay in an area that you dont want to because of somebody you are no longer with, rather than get on with your own life is just ridiculous. It sounds like a recipe for resentment to me.

Alexis - posted on 07/09/2012

I say move and maybe re-adjust the visitation to 3 day weekends or something that works out for you and the fathers schedule. If its such a great opportunity then it will probably benefit you and your son more to move as well. Have you spoken with his dad about this option? He may be ok with it. My sons father and I get along so-so but if the other has an opportunity elsewhere we would work on it, to include the other moving too if its beneficial. I think we have a better EX relationship than most though.

Ashley - posted on 07/09/2012

Im going through the same thing right now and Im sooo confused... I want to move because Im simply not happy here.. I have nothing here as well... My family would be such a big help to me right now but they dont live in my city so theres really nothing they can do to help... Part of me is saying stay for my son to be able to see his dad.... but the other part of me is saying go, this is a chance to turn your life around.... I really dont think my ex would think twice if it were him wanting to move... hes always been like that its always about him and whats going to effect him and HES never going to see our son.. its never about wahts going to benifit our son... and I know our son could do great things.... but I just dont think great things can be done in this city.. my ex has already made it very clear he will not come and visit because I was the one that took our son away... hes also said our son will hate me when hes older because I took him away from him... Im not sure if this will be true or just something hes saying to try and make me stay. Im so lost right now so your not alone.

Melissa - posted on 07/07/2012

My boyfriend went through this last year with his ex wife and their 2 daughters. He is a father who is very involved in his children's lives. The Mom took off across the country one night with their girls and the new boyfriend (they were together approx 6 months at the time). My bf was a wreck the first few days. The Mom would not answer her cell. Come Monday, he was at the courthouse. He now has custody of his girls. The Mom is still living across the country. The girls have only seen their Mom 2 weeks out of 11 months. She has new excuses every time it is time for the girls to visit her.
The whole thing is terrible. Children should never be put in such a situation. If your children are blessed with two loving parents, why move them away from the other parent? If you feel it is in the best interest of the child but the other parent does not agree, ask the courts to decide.

Erin - posted on 07/06/2012

Well in my state if a parent does such a thing the non-custodial parent can be granted full custody. I think it is selfish and unfair to the other parent and to the kids who don't deserve to lose a dad just for you to have an opportunity. I have had to put off many many things I would have liked to do so my kids can maintian their lives here with their dads. Imagine being the dad and how he'll feel when you up and take his kids to another end of the country with no consideration to his rights? I have no tolerance for this type of unfairness to non-custodial parents. I volunteered for two years a s a board member of a ncp rights organization and read and listen to countless perosnal stories of dads who's children were "spirited away" from them and the turmoil they lived through missing their children. It's a self centered act of "greed" for one's self. I can't advocate this action.

Vicky - posted on 06/21/2012

I do know of fathers who are very unselfish and mothers who are. So although there are so many men who are selfish, there are fathers who are not and they are suffering too.

Kristi - posted on 06/14/2012

Well, the minority is on the rise, speaking from both sides of the situation. I did everything and then some to try and maintain a cordial relationship with my daughter's father so they could have a healthy relationship. I went against everything I wanted to do and in this case should have done, because he all but tore her to shreads. I also don't know what the laws are where everybody is from, but I had to give up any and all means of support from him on the down-lo so we could move to be near my family, also, for emotional and financial support and for a fresh start for my daughter. Even after I was awarded sole physical and legal custody of her, after she testified against her dad and after he tried to give up his parental rights so he didn't have to pay child support the judge STILL would not let us move. He was awarded 51/49 visitation time, he never took it, thank God, but I don't get how it's so easy for the rest of you all to just move without legal consequences. That being said, had he been a good dad, I would have stayed until she chose to move away. On the flip side, I have a son, he is going to be 18 soon. I was very sick and wasn't able to take very good care of him or me. So, I signed over full custody to his dad in my son's best interest, with the understanding that when I was better I would get joint custody back. Long story short, his dad has not let me back into his life for over 8 years now and before that maybe a couple hours here and a couple of hours there. My family begged me to come home. But I could not give up hope that I might get one more hour some day. I am not a bad person nor was I any risk to my son and I do have court ordered visitation but I do know you don't mess with a cop in his own town. This was all started before my daughter was born also. I've sent letters, tried to call, sent private msg on FB and nothing so finally when it came down to it, I had to give up on my hope and protect my daughter. Phew! Sorry, kind of went off track a little. I just wanted to give a little backround so you'd understand that I'm not just blowing smoke out my tush...kids need both parents if at all possible, their needs must come first and a lot of non-custodial parents would do whatever they could to see their child but sometimes circumstances and/or people make that next to impossible. For example, if my son called me right now and said he wanted to see me and my daughter (they are friends on FB) I wouldn't be able to afford an airline ticket, not even close. I would believe my parents would make it happen but not everyone has parents who can help like that. And for the dads/moms who are active in their child's life and then are left standing there empty handed, they can't "just do whatever it takes if they really love their kid"...that's not even realistic. Should he just tell his boss he needs a raise and every other 4-day weekend because he now has to fly across the country or 1/2 way around the world to get his visitation with his child? Forget about him now, what are you going to tell your kid, oh daddy still loves you but he couldn't come with us this time, but you'll see him at Christmas. My daughter is finally getting some real joy out of life, but that doesn't mean she's happy she doesn't have a dad. My son, from what I can gather, is doing great! I find a little peace when I think about that, because honestly, all I ever wanted for him was the best. It doesn't mean I don't still want to be his mom or that I wouldn't still do anything to be part of his life, but he was lucky to end up with a great "new" mom and with the exception of turning me into Satan, his dad is awesome to him. I know when I was married to my daughter's dad and we had custody of 2 of his girls from his first wife, I could never replace their mom. They needed her as much as they always did. Kids first, you second....what is great for you might be ok for them but they deserve much, much better than ok. They deserve a mom and a dad, with obvious exceptions to the rule. I don't mean to sound harsh or bitchy. I've just seen what happens when kids don't have both parents, for whatever reason and it is sad.

Jennifer - posted on 06/13/2012

I am going to be in the minority now too. I think moving away is selfish especially if the child has a good relationship with their father. Would you like it if he ripped your son away from you? Now if he doesn't care or is a bad dad go for it. but if he has been there and been a good dad don't do it to him. My step daughters mother moved away and it has destroyed her she is always sad and upset. always cries before she goes back, before when her mom lived closer we got to see her more and she got to spend lots of time with her sisters and now that has been taken away. We are in a custody battle now for her to move back or we get full custody. I know this sounds harsh maybe little insensitive but it really is selfish. Your life isnt your life anymore its your childs life and their best interest not yours. Hope this doesnt offend you or anyone but its how I feel=)

Mary - posted on 03/29/2012

Why do moms find pride in saying " I moved my son across the ocean from his father"? Children need both their parents in their lives, regularly. Children need stability and predictability. When we have children our lives ARE put on hold, we share our lives with our children, anything to the contrary IS selfish. As a mother your child's well being should come before your need to be a successful career woman, live closer to your parents, have romantic relationships, etc. Your child's well-being includes an active relationship with his/her father. Children are bystanders in divorce, don't make it harder for them by separating them further from an already broken family. Do everything possible to make it as easy for them as possible.

Jen - posted on 07/24/2011

I'm with Jen K on this one. Moving might be right for you, but it could never be right for your son to move him away from his dad if dad is active in his life. It's really not a matter of whether Dad is willing to spend time and money to have his son come visit - he could never be part of his daily life, and he clearly is right now.

Mary - posted on 07/24/2010

If you need this opportunity, then pursue your plan. Perhaps you and your son's father can discuss your plan and make an arrangement that will benefit all of you.

Jessica - posted on 07/20/2010

If I were you I would go ahead and move it is a decision that you have to make for you and your son nobody else. And he would do it in a heartbeat without seeing how you felt about it. If he really cares he would do anything to see his son!

Jen - posted on 07/14/2010

I would not move my child away from his father. No it's not fair but it's right. I'm sure I will be in the minority but think of it this way - if your ex had custody, how would you feel if he was moved far away?

Jessica - posted on 07/14/2010

I moved my son across the ocean from his father, it has it's pluses and con's. If his dad wants to be a part of his life it shouldnt matter where you move too, he would pay for your son to come see him or would come see him. I think if it would be best for you and your son to move then do it. He will have to make more effort to see your son.

Rachell - posted on 07/14/2010

Thanks everyone for all your comments I know his father would move if he wanted too without a second thought for me but I guess I just worry about everyone else more than I do myself :( have a lot to consider so thanks for your input :D

Brittany - posted on 07/11/2010

I think you should take the opportunity if it is going to benefit you and your son... You'll just have to modifiy the visitation to summers and every other holiday...I myself want to move to be near my family and I live in the US... so I have to go to court in order to even have permission to move... but that is not going to stop me from moving because it will benefit me and my son in so many ways. As single moms we have to make decisions that our best for ourselves and our children and you can't really worry about him because if he had the opportunity he would probably take it without a second thought. Men are more selfish than women usually and they don't think to consider anyone other than themselves when better opportunites come along. I say put you and your son first no matter how hard that might be....

Shanika - posted on 07/11/2010

ITS NOT SELFISH BUT IF YOU THINK IT IT MAYBE YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN AND TALK TO HIM AND LET HIM KNOW WHAT MAYBE WILL BE HAPPENING IF IT IS FOR A GREAT AND BETTER CHANGE FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD THEN HE SHOULD UNDERSTAND. I AM KINDA GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING BUT IT IS MORE CLOSER THEN A COUPLE OF YEARS. BUT GOOD LUCK WITH WHATEVER DECISION YOU MAKE.

Hannah - posted on 07/09/2010

I would say it depends on your reasons for moving. Consider if you two were together, would you be making this move as a family? Discuss it with the child's father and see what his reactions/thoughts are. consider your legal rights, and his legal rights. I don't know the laws in the UK, here in the states there are quite often limitations within custodial orders regarding where you can live. This may be cause for a change of custody - would he fight you for custody? would the courts grant him custody full time? make it so you are the visiting parent? Finally consider what it would do to your son. would he be changing schools? for the better? would his relationship with his father be harmed? be improved? would the extreme disruption to his life be worth it?

I am not trying to say you should stay btw - just that there are a lot of things to consider before moving. I, for the record, moved 150 miles away from my child's birth father. This was so I could be around my family, who are a great resource and provide financial and emotional assistance to me. I also have much better job opportunities and school opportunties for my son now. so in my case, yes it was worth it. I, in return, had to give up certain things as part of the divorce agreement in exchange for being allowed to move so far away with our son.

JuLeah - posted on 07/07/2010

A couple of years is a long time, a lot can happen - maybe the father will move to be with his son?