loss of a father

Cassie - posted on 01/03/2010 ( 14 moms have responded )

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my husband passed away 5 months ago on the 4th of july on a fishing trip when he slipped nd fell despite attempts from someone across the stream he drowned the water was just to strong.my son was just 2 1/2 at the time . things are so out of wack now we have no schedule and my son is throwing awful temper tantrums i dont know if its his age or dealing with his loss, his papaw just passed away 3 months after his dad and he was very close to both. i just dont know how to get us back to some what of a normal life (although it will never be the same) i am at a loss of what to do about the temper tantrums. my parents are both gone so i dont have much help and am feeling very overwhelmed at times please help my son is my life and i just want to be a good mother to him but im at my wits end

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Dahlia - posted on 02/15/2010

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so sorry for u, the loss is hard enuff. Yes tell them dad is with god now and theres no better place to be! now, and watching them and make photo album with photos with dad

Angie - posted on 01/29/2010

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I can sympathize with you. When my husband passed away 6 years ago this month, my oldest was a month away from her 3rd birthday, the middle one was 13 months old, and I was 4-5 months pregnant with my youngest. It is a hard time for them. You already know how hard it was to tell him about what happened. I was lucky that I wasn't working at the time and could stay home with my kids. We had lots of tantrums too. Sometimes I just hugged them til it was done. There were many times when I had to just walk out of the room and let them scream by themselves to keep my own sanity. There's really no easy answer. Maybe even counceling would help. I'm still dealing with stuff 6 years later. I don't know that you ever don't deal with it. I wish there had been a group like this when it happened to me. Good luck. I know you're in for a long road. If you ever need to vent to someone who has an idea what you're going thru, feel free to email me.

Jo - posted on 01/15/2010

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I'm so sorry for your lost, my partner died last April when my youngest was almost 21/2 and then 5 months later my brother died suddenly who he was also close to.
I don't know if this is any help to you, but my little boy was very clingy and wouldn't let me out of his sight. He was and is scared that other people are going to die and disappear out of his life. I found the biggest thing he needed was security to know his world was safe again and in that respect trying to put routines back in place for him is probably really important and while you're grieving that is really hard and you might need some family help to put in place. I also let him sleep in my bed, which he did right up until 2 weeks ago! If I had to go anywhere without him I used to say watch this movie and I will be back when it ends because he could understand that or I would set the timer on the oven. I kept telling don't worry mummy is always going to be here and just kept reassuring him. He was very insecure and constantly told everyone my daddy died, which was very hard for me. But it is 9 months now and he is really doing great now. I also found that letting him talk about daddy and remind him of all the nice things about daddy helped. He loves talking about him. I got him a snow globe with a piccy of him and his Daddy in it and he talks to it at night when he goes to bed. I guess tangible things help keep daddy real and rituals help like picking a star and saying goodnight to him plus we also go to his memorial. I don't know how your son is but it was like for months he really needed to talk about it all the time to process it, he was always asking why why why? It's so hard for their little minds to understand. I'm finding it hard so I guess its no wonder. My thoughts are with you it's such a lot to go through in such a short time. I hope you have lots of support from friends and family x

Alison - posted on 01/15/2010

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One more thing. My oldest son's therapist said it was ok for him to be angry. If he was upset to give him something he could hit. Like a bat to the fence or something that was not going to hurt him. My son is not in that kind of mode, so not sure if it works.

Katina - posted on 01/15/2010

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My youngest son's father died 8 months ago when he was 3 years old. We were both devastated. I know its hard dealing with the loss of your husband. The only way your son can express himself dealing with the loss is through anger. Try talking to someone on a professional level to help him deal with his feelings and you also because you have a lot to deal with also.

Karen - posted on 01/14/2010

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Dear Cassie (& all!)
My fiance passed away very suddenly from a heart attack just a few days before our long awaited daughter was born so sadly my little girl never knew him but ... even though she's only 9 months old we sit by a picture of him and tell him about our day before she kisses him goodnight. I know this doesn't help you but maybe you could try telling your son that he can still talk to daddy as he's always there looking over him.
As you probably know be firm but patient with him, yes he's in pain but so are you so if it's getting too much, sit down take a few deep breaths and you're allowed to tell your husband off for leaving you both!! Trust me it helps :) I always feel calmer after talking to my fiance .. then you can pick yourself back up and keep going :)
All the best darl, I wish you peace & happiness in the future .. Take care

Christy - posted on 01/11/2010

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Casssie, I lost my husband of 10yrs to cancer on Aug. 30, 2009. Even though we were prepared it still didnt help. My son who was 5 and daughter 8 have gone through the same temper tantrums. They were already going to cousling so that help prepare then, plus my father had passed 4yrs before with cancer also so my daughter has been more with drawn. My son is like a monster that I didnt know. We joined a grief support group divided by age. It made a tremendous difference. Like you we had no schedule. They didnt want to go back to school and I work thier so that made it hard also. I started dating an old friend for companship and friendship its made a huge difference. I feel your pain and know were your coming from try grief support and find you someone to listen to you a girl friend or just a friend but you need to grief also and your son doesnt understand why this has happened to his family his little mind cannt process it. I will Pray for you and your son. God Bless. Christy

Cyndy - posted on 01/09/2010

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my boyfriend of 6 yrs lost his wife to ovar cancer and they had two kids both boys and the youngest one was 8 almost 9yrs old and the oldest 18 yrs old and what i have learned from these people are the most important thing that has been missing is the disipline both boys miss her but neither one knows how to respect me as if i was a human or whatever is going on in their minds im not sure. but i know that the father has allow the wifes mother to clean his house since the death and all the pics are still up and furniture is the same jewerly the pots and pans the curtains the whole house has not changed and i believe in my heart the dad my boyfriend should fix this because all it does is make it look like she just is on a trip and will be back and my boyfriend expect me to have sex in the house that is still hers the only thing that stays the same in life is every thing changes for your sons health and yours move on and see what life has to offer maybe one day that someone will be as comfortable in your house in your and your son life to have a life becareful who you love or you will be looking back and wondering why you waited so long on something to come to you go get what you all need pain is only for awhile pray together with your son and family it will get easier

Bettie - posted on 01/09/2010

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I am so sorry for your loss. My son's father was never in his life so when my dad died it affected my son more than (I think) anyone else in the family. If your son wants to talk-talk, but don't force the issue. He needs time. There are groups for children who have suffered losses, and it might be good for him to realize he is not alone. Good luck.

Cindy - posted on 01/09/2010

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I don't know if this will help or not but what I did was to make a photo scrap book of all the pictures of my daughter and her dad. He was her pap before we adopted her and was only about 4 when he went home to be with the Lord. She talks to him every night when she says her prayers and tells him she loves him. don't forget to use time outs for the temper tantrums and set a timer so he knows when his time is up.. I guess I watch too much of supernanny LOL but I think it works and I still use time outs and Bri is 8. Good luck and hope to keep in touch with ya...

Kristen - posted on 01/09/2010

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I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died almost 2 years ago. We have a 9 1/2 daughter and 11 year old son. My son still isn't doing good. Counseling has begun to help my daughter who is better at expressing her feelings. My son who has multiple disabilities, has severe tantrums almost daily. What I've been told, is that your son now is having anxiety about you dying. This can last 2 years. My daughter slept with me for almost a year. My son now says the same thing that's he's afraid he'll lose me too. when I can, I try leaving my kids for short amounts of time and come back so that they can see they I haven't left them. I know this sounds disheartening at the length of time. (I can't believe I've been struggling for almost 2 years.)



The other thing is that your child can sense your anxiety. My kids do. If you can take care of yourself (I'm still working on this too) your son will pick up on that and know that he will be okay. I go and talk to a therapist every 2 weeks.



I hope this helps a little bit.

Alison - posted on 01/08/2010

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Hi there, my fiancee passed away 9 months ago. We have two boys ages 41/2 and 2 1/2. Our oldest son is very confused and started drawing angry faces. When I kept seeing the same picture, I decided to put him into a bereavement class with children his age. It has helped a little, but his therapist told me he is bottling a lot of it up. For our youngest he is very aggressive, but I really think it is his age. When I cry he tells me that God has daddy and we can not have him. Whether or not he has a clue what he is actually saying? Who knows. I do know that it is very hard on us, and even though I have great friends and some family to talk to, it was not enough. I am in a group of a few women that are going through the same thing, and it helps so much more to be able to have someone to talk to, that knows your pain. I really suggest something for you. One of the best things you can do for your son, is for you to be strong. You need to be OK, in order for your son to be OK.

Saprina - posted on 01/08/2010

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My husband passed in September, though I think I might be late I'm in the same boat. My kids are a bit older. Also my husband died here at home. I would suggest explain to him that daddy is in heaven watching him and he wouldn't want daddy to see him throwing a fit. I would appricate it if you could let me know how thing are now. I'm still out of wack. I also lost my job after it happened. I feel so lost sometimes!!

Angie - posted on 01/07/2010

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I will keep you two in my prayers. In my opinion it's probably a little bit of both. That would be a very hard age to deal with that kindof loss.My brother in law just passed away suddenly and I wouldn't want to imagine that kindof pain his children have to endure.I also find with my kids that sometimes they just don't know how to express there feelings so they act out because of it.Hang in there, I know that being a mom sometimes makes you feel alone in your struggles.The stronge will survive.lol!

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