My son found out earlier this year that his father is gay, Can anyone give me advice or support about explianing this to him?

Patricia - posted on 10/07/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )

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A few months back, my son was "friended" by his father on fb. There were some pictures of him bare chested(no head shots, just his chest along with some other "provocative" poses) and all these men were commenting saying how "hot and sexy" my son's father was. My son flat out asked him,"Are you gay? I mean if you are, I have no problems with that, but all these men are commenting on these pics saying you're "hot and sexy".
His father responded,"Eeew, no! Gross! I would never be a "faggot"!!!!"
Well my son is big on truth telling and found out his father lied. He refuses to call him,"dad" and of course my ex is being a dick to my son telling him,"Well I don't want anything to do with you til you're done being crazy and get some professional help!"(My son is only 12 and of course his father acts like a jerk to him instead of being the adult and instead of explaining stuff, he says nasty stuff to my son and of course he has his WHOLE FAMILY "snowed" thinking he's the angel and my son is some kind of gay hating demon...)

Can anyone give me some type of advice to help curtail this extreme anger my son has towards his father? If his father wants to be immature and a jerk, that's his problem, but my son is very polite and sweet except when it comes to the subject of his father. I know he's hurt. His father has lied to him several times over the years("Oh I'll come out to see you over xmas break, spring break, etc...Oh I'll mail out your xmas present on such and such day! I PROMISE!~Then of course he doesn't follow through...)
Sorry this is sooooo long. But I'm tired of making excuses for my ex!

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JuLeah - posted on 10/08/2011

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Well, first of all, fb has a 13 and up age limit for a reason

2nd of all, any parent who would all their child to see such pix needs not be a parent

and 3rd of all, it is okay for your son to be angry. No need to curtail anything. His father lied to him. His father now blames him for something he did not do and played no role in. He breaks promises. He tells lies to others about him. He acts like a jerk. He says very mean childish things to your son ..... wouldn't you be angry?

So, cut off all contact. Your son is within his right to do that

Don't make excuses for your ex, don't ever do that. It sends the message to your son that you agreee with what your ex is doing

Don't bash him, but don't make excuses ... say, "Yes, he did lie." or, Yes, he did break that promise, or yes he did .....

Do try to help your son understand this has nothing at all to do with his being gay or not being gay.... this is simply how he wishes to act .... sadly all communities have their share of jerks

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Kay - posted on 11/11/2011

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WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO REVOLVE AROUND THERAPY. HE IS OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOMEONE WHO IS GAY OR NOT GAY. HIS FATHER LIED TO HIM AND THAT WAS VERY WRONG OF HIM. HE SHOULD HAVE JUST STEPPED UP AND TOLD HIM THE TRUTH. I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE "CHECKED OUT" HIS DAD'S PAGE FIRST BEFORE ALLOWING HIM TO FRIEND HIM. BUT WHAT'S DONE IS DONE. AS HE GROWS OLDER, HE WILL MAKE THE DECISION AS TO WHETHER HE WANTS HIS DAD IN HIS LIFE GAY OR NOT.

JuLeah - posted on 10/09/2011

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When I said a parent who lets their child see such pixs need not be a parent, I was speaking of the father, not you. It is clear from your post that it was not you showing him the pixs

Patricia - posted on 10/09/2011

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I didn't "allow him" to see the pix!!! I mean it was his dad's FB page. I'm not on my ex's FB friend's list. I honestly(at the time) didn't think nothing was wrong with a boy accepting his dad's friend request and thought it was a great idea(at the time) for them to be closer connected!!
Don't tell me "need not be a parent" for that.
Thanks for the rest of the advice. I no longer contact my ex or make my son call him at least once a month.

Patricia - posted on 10/07/2011

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I used to tell him his father was busy with work and couldn't make it over...Of course he's older now so it doesn't work.
I have told my ex,"If you keep up with these lies and broken promises you're going to lose Ben! I'm not talking in a legal sense but in an emotional sense..."
Sure as shit! He lost him!
Ben is in counseling but he still gets frustrated. I know he's hurt. I so wish I could take the pain for him.
My ex is an asshole/jerk!!!
Ex tried telling my son,"You're coming with me for 10 days this summer."(Ex lives out of state)
My son replied,"Oh no I'm not! I will run away the first chance I get and will kick and scream the whole way to the car!"
Needless to say, Ex got pissed blamed me(what else is new) but Ben didn't have to go to sperm donors!
He finally called and yelled at me and said,"I don't want any thing to do with him til you stop screwing up his head and he stops being crazy and you stop being a crazy bitch!"
I am hearing impaired so my phone has LOUD volume control and B heard every single word.
I think what makes it harder is he(my son) has seen his father get verbally abusive to me and of course B won't stand for anyone messing with his mama!(He loves his mama, but isn't a "mama's boy"....)
I'm just having a hard time and feel at a loss at how to explain/help my son with his anger towards his father. I have tried talking to ex, but he just yells and tells me it's all my fault, blah, blah, bl;ah....
I just feel IDK....I guess I need help trying to explain to him WHY his father is an asshole(Again, he discovered his father is an asshole all by himself! I never talked negatively about sperm donor in front of my son....so before anyone says anything about that....)

Thanks for replying Teresa

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Your son should have counseling to help him deal w/ his anger, but only so it doesn't destroy him. His anger is fully understandable and totally justified. His father is a jerk and your son has discovered this truth for himself. What excuses are you making for your ex and why are you making them?

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