My son's dead-beat dad says he's "changed".

Erin - posted on 02/15/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I was with my son's father for about three years when I got pregnant. He started to get physically abusive when I was a couple of months along--he didn't know I was pregnant yet. Although we fought every single day, he didn't hit me every time. He was stubborn, irresponsible, and immature. I (naively) thought that would change when he found out I was pregnant. Wrong! I left him when my son was about six months old. He was in my son's life (meaning he would 'babysit' him when I had to work or go to school) until he was about a year old. And then they went from seeing each other twice a week, to once every few months.
He has never paid any child support.
Now I'm engaged and my fiance is like a father to my son. He even wants to make it official by adopting him, so I asked Colin's biological father to relinquish his rights. Now, suddenly, he wants to see him often and even have him spend the night.
I don't want my son modeling himself after his biological father. My biggest fear is that he will be like him in any way.
I don't know what to do.

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JuLeah - posted on 02/16/2011

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He doesn't have to ever hit you to be abusive. You simply need to know he can and will. He is a bully, and bullies are always abuive to their kids. Again, he doesn't have to hit to be abusive. He should only have supervised contact, and you should not be the one supervising.
You need a legal parenting plan that addresses all of your concerns and fears. It will address child support too. He can't legally be asked to give up his rights as a parent unless he is proved unfit; that is a long process.
If you and your fiance marry, he will legally be a step parent and have rights.
Get a family attorney involved

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Do you have a court order for visitation? How old is your son now? How long has bio-dad been nonexistant in his life? Kids do deserve to know their fathers, but they also deserve to be SAFE while knowing them. Only time will tell if he has changed or not and I'd be willing to bet that he is only saying these things now out of jealousy or fear.

I don't know what advice to give you except to make sure that whatever you do is legal.... and fight for what you truly believe to be in your child's best interest.

A couple of years ago my ex left me a message on my phone (I had already gone to bed) apologizing to me for blaming him for anything and stating that he knows my actions have only been because I'm doing what I believe to be in the best interest of our kids. NONE of his actions since that phone call have followed his words..... Good luck!

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Crystal - posted on 03/25/2011

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Unfortunately people don't "change". They don't go from being abusive to a wonderful father. Right now he is trying to create chaos and havoc in your life b/c you've moved on. You can certainly take all of your information and the fact he hasn't paid child support to a judge and most likely they will relinquish his rights for him and allow your fiance to adopt him. Follow your heart, you know what's best for yourself and your son. Just believe that and it will work out.
In love and light,
Crystal | www.whydidichoosehim.com

[deleted account]

Been through this and no he has not changed believe me just saying that my 4 year olds dad said this to me when we went to child support and offered to let him come to my home to see his daughter but he didnt show hasnt sent a letter card nothing hasnt paid child support at all ohio laws suck they do nothing but its ok and it will work out for you i have a great man now that also exceps my kids and takes care of them with me hes a real father to them not the sperm donars that are on the birth certificates

Jessica - posted on 03/08/2011

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he is doing it to control you and manipulate you... he is using this as one of his cards up his sleeve. men who abuse follow a pattern and he is doing just that... he is claiming he changed so he can control the adoption. as soon as he starts to get involved and the adoption looks like it is off, he will stop being involved. i would tell him that the adoption is off and see what happens... he won't come around anymore! that will be your true test. i would go ahead with the adoption, it sounds like you are in a great situation for your child.

Jessica - posted on 02/27/2011

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go to court and get his rights taken away, alot of men pull stunts like this when they find out the mother of their child is moveing on, this is just a tactic men use to keep control of women, i been through similar case, my kids father see's them once every 3+ months, once i told him i was gonna move on and start dateing, he tried to sweeten me up with promises we were gonna be a family again, once i fell for it like the idiot i am, he was gone again, dont play into bio dads bull, do what you gotta do, and move on with your new man, thats my advice

Julie - posted on 02/17/2011

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If you don't ask him about the adoption, do you think he will just drop it and move on eventually? Alot of times guys like that are only doing it for the drama effect and don't really want to be involved, etc. That's a tough one. I would make sure you have child custody legally documented. If he has the right to see his child then I'm not sure there's much you can do. But, I would also trust and believe your son. At no matter what age, kids see through people much quicker than we as adults do. If your fiance is bascially his dad and good to him, your son will make the decision of who to model. Also, I don't think it's necessary for your fiance to adopt him at this time. I'm adopted.... you know who your real parents are no matter what your name. ; ) Good luck!!!

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