My three year old daughter is pretrafied of going w/ her Dad for the weekend..

Michelle - posted on 10/17/2012

I feel for everyone and can relate. Even after my daughter having overnights with her father and then going without them he now all of a sudden wants every other weekend. He has her Tuesday and Thursday 5-7 and then Sunday 9-7 and she has good times somes and then so so times others. He is pushing for overnights and weekends and at age 7yrs and stayed overnights when she was 5yrs old and a few times this last year she has a meltdown at the idea or mention of staying overnights. He keeps asking not only me but her and she comes home all stressed out over and when I ask if she would like to she has a meltdown not wanting to. He, lawyers and others say how she feels does not matter.... So frustrating and tears my heart out. It is him, his sons ages 10 and 15, then his step brother age approx. late 20's so it is a guys house, no bedroom for her. In past he had her share a bed with one of sons which I don't approve of at all for many reasons in general and because of behavior issues they both had during our marriage. He says he needs more time with her to make her comfortable and I have to much time with her and it is all my fault though until about 6months/1yr ago he really did not care and was busy drinking, socializing, watching sports, etc... but now is all changed since a girlfriend has come into the picture and has a 5yr old whose fathers has nothing to do with her so her mother has a strong view and I think reason for my daughters father all interested now and has something to prove.

Kate - posted on 03/11/2009

Thank you all for your comments!

I have a list a mile long about why my daughter's dad is such an idiot! He immediately reacts and doesn't think anything through. So when it comes to our daughter, he does the same thing. When she is freaking out because he's around, instead of trying to be understanding, he freaks out as well! He was agitated by her feelings last time it was his turn to see her.

So here is what I laid out for him, the stress of seeing my daughter so upset by him is unacceptable. He for now on is responsible (fully) for making arrangements to being with her. I laid out time, place, he has to pick her up and drop her off, and supply everything she needs at his own home. If he doesn't put in the effort than neither will I.

He is so selfish..to the point where my child is suffering...

So not much change has occurred since I first wrote about my problem. I don't think anything will change until he makes more of an effort with her.

Karina - posted on 03/10/2009

First of all, it is VERY important that you listen to your child. If she doesnt want to go with her father there is a reason! Have you tried or are you comfortable with taking your daughter out with her father, like to Chuck E Cheese, or the park? That way he can spend time with her and you can still be right there.

It is alarming to me that he says he doesnt care if she likes him or trusts him. He SHOULD care! If he truly wants a relationship with her, he should be concerned that it is a good relationship and be willing to do whatever it takes to make it so.

My daughter's father and I are not together but I never let him take her on his own. He could come to my house and play with her for a couple of hours or I would meet him somewhere with her but I would stay the whole time. I didnt care that at first he didnt like this idea, it was either that or dont see her at all.

Eventually my daughter got used to and comfortable with her father and by watching me with her, he learned how to take better care of her on his own. Now she loves her daddy and even asks for him. Before she would cry anytime he came near her. My daughter is 22 months and it took me a long time to feel comfortable with him taking her, over a year.

Dont think you are being selfish. The best thing for your daughter is that she knows she can trust you and that you will listen to her. If she doesnt want to go with her father then dont make her. She has to have the ability to draw limits on who she wants around her and know that you will support her.

Dont worry about whether or not this will start an argument with him. She is the one you are responsible for making happy not him.

How is your relationship with his mother? Maybe you can talk to her about this or ask if you can bring your daughter over to their house and stay there with her for a couple hours?

Again, if she says no, then your daughter shouldnt be going over there at all. It is not your job to make his mother happy either.

Hope this helps a little. I know this is a very difficult situation.

Claire - posted on 03/10/2009

i agree with the last person. i dont think she should be staying over night until she is comfortable with going, maybe starting off slowly with and few hrs during the day. i have had silmilar probs with my son, in some ways im lucky in that me and his father both try and do whats best for ben (when he actually visits!!) my sons dad always comes in and spends a bit of time with son b4 takin him off, my son when younger only went for the day until he was comfortable with that, then gradually he stayed 1 night then 2. now my so is nearly 5 and its his choice if he wants to stay over with his dad.

Teresa - posted on 03/07/2009

Don't know if my opinion matters since I have a different situation, but I would not send her for overnights.  My kids (7, 7, and 11 months) have only seen their father once in the past 9 months though.  I would not allow him to take the girls overnight.  Actually I didn't allow him to take them at all, but that's another story entirely.

Unless it is otherwise ordered by the court I would only allow visitation that your daughter is comfortable with.  If he wants to be a dad he should be willing to put in the time that it takes in order for her to be comfortable w/ him.  Even if that means only a couple of hours at a time. 

Whatever it takes we have to do what is best for our kids cuz who else will?  Good luck!

Lisa - posted on 03/07/2009

My daughter was exactly the same and believe me I dont like he dad.  I also had the I dont care attitude from him but in the end i put my foot down.  If he couldnt make the effort then neither would I.  If she didnt want to go she didnt.  It went on like that for months then all of a sudden it changed - she started to ask about him.  Now she goes when she wants to she can go weeks without seeing him then things totally turn about and she wants to go every weekend.

It will change i promise - its a horrible situation

Michelle - posted on 03/04/2009

I had the same problem when my son was younger...he hated going with his father but it was because his fther wouldn't see him very often....when his father did come around my son would scream constantly...I would cry everytime...but I knew it needed to be done so that he could get to know him father...unfortunately his father gave up and hasn't seen his son in almost a year...i personally think that as much time as dad can spend with ur daughter is best because it'll give them that bonding time...the two nights is good in my opinion because i have heard that it usually takes a child almost a day to get used dad and then the second day of quality time..at least this is what i have heard from other single parents with visitation...one day seems to just give reinforce mommy to the rescue and takes away from dads ability to play the same role...i hope i made sense lol...

Marie - posted on 03/03/2009

When my 2 year old started visiting my ex husband at his house we had major issues when she left, she would be kicking and scraming and clinging to me.  I stuck with it for a while even though it broke my heart but in the end i reduced the amount of access time.  This seems to have really helped and she now gets excited about the visits.  I also found that she actually prefers to think i will not be home when she is with her dad or someone else.  If i tell her i am going to school (when i am at college) or that i am going out with someone she seems much happier than if i am staying home.  If she thinks i will be home without her she gets upset and wants to be here with me.    Another thing that i suggested to my ex (although he never took me up on it) was to try phoning her between visits to build on their releationship, although this will only work if she is a chatter box on the phone like my little girl.  Hope this is helpful and things improve soon

Kate - posted on 03/03/2009

Thank you so much MaryEllen! My daughter kinda of alluded to the fact that she didn't like not having me around. So I thought about maybe printing out a picture of the two of that she could take with her. I also agree that maybe two nights is a little much right now, and I might request one night and see how it goes.

Thanks again :)

Bklyngrl1282@aol.com - posted on 03/02/2009

I separated from my Ex when my son was three. We established every other weekend he would go to his father's. He too did not want to go with his father. When he reached his father's house after a couple of hrs would ask him "when is he going back home"?  We finally agreed that instead of a whole weekend away we would start sleeping over one night and then build it from there.  The request for coming home was still there. One night my ex drive all the way from his house to mine to bring my son back. I realized my son wanted to come home becasue he wanted to make sure and see that I was still there. It was a fear that if he was not there "where is mommy"? Your bond is obviously strong and I find it to be that 3yrs old is so young and they don't understand and they need reassurance that you will be there.  Now at the age of 6, he can't wait to be with his father.  This is what I experienced and maybe might be a little insightful. If not, sorry.

Kate - posted on 02/25/2009

Hi Pati- She is very happy to see me when I pick her up from his house. Totally normal when she's with me. I don't know if he yells at her, he tells me that I'm a push over.. When I call him to say hi to my daughter she immediately asks when I'm coming to get her. Right now I have sole custody (we were never married) so I determine the visitation. I'm not sure if I need to peruse counseling, limit the time she has to be there?

Thanks for the feedback :)

Pati - posted on 02/25/2009

Hi

That must break your heart knowing she is afraid and sending her anyways. How is she when she comes home? Is she happy? Do her behaviors change after a visit? Is she meek or timid? Eating and sleeping the same? I do wonder what is making her afraid. Does he yell at her? I am thinking maybe you can look at some counseling for her, maybe through the court if it is ordered visitation? Make some calls and find out the laws in your area. This should be a good experience for her, maybe if you brought her to his mother’s house that would easy the transition with her. Good luck.