Need advice or encouragement

Casey - posted on 07/12/2010 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I'm 19 years old with a 3 year old boy. I was thinking of writing a book of my life, i've got an amazing story to tell. I don't want to sound naive but i've been through more than anyone could imagine. I've been a single mom since the birth of my son. I was abused mentally, physically and emotionally by my child's father and his entire family. I was cheated on, kicked out onto the streets with a newborn. I ultimately ended the abuse after living with my son's father. He had beaten me five times, once with my child on my hip, held a gun to my head, choked me, forced me to take cold showers, and isolated me from the entire world..(my best friend didn't know i was pregnant until after i delivered) As if that weren't bad enough, after he got out of jail when my son was about 10 months, old now he suddenly wants to see him. I went to court to get sole custody and LOST. after he had just gotten out of jail for possession of meth, he'd moved in with another addict and they were expecting a child together. In court his entire family testified against me saying that i beat my newborn son that i slept all day and was a horrible mother and that my ex never hit me, (Which they knew he did they're the ones who nursed me back to health) and they portrayed me to be a horrible mother. i was 17 and had no attorney and they ripped me a new one. The betrayal i experienced what unlike any other...these people were supposed to be christians going to church every sunday but swore to god he never hit me. After about two years of visitation i honestly started to believe that maybe his father was clean and sober and i started allowing for him to have overnight visits. Then two months ago i get papers served to me of him filing for SOLE custody! now they are threatening to take him away? I know it will never happen but i cry every day thinking about the things they say about me, i don't have thick skin, you'd think i would but he could beat the crap out of me all he wants, i'm numb to that. This pain is so much worse. I had an argument with him the other day because he wanted to keep our son an extra hour and i said no because i had plans and had already given him extended visits as it was. He began saying I'm a horrible mom in front of our son, saying shut your fucking mouth in front of my son! I told him to go get drug tested because that was a court ordered right i have and he refused to go and didn't show up. I don't know what to do. it seems like i can do no rght and he can do no wrong. I learned from his best friend that he's dealing pot for a living, yet he can't pay me child support, and i called the police and they don't care. A judge wont care. he straight up told the judge he was addicted to meth and they don't care! I actually am a really good mother, better than i ever expected i'd be. I do everything alone, i work part time and go to college full time, i pay for preschool, i pay for the doctor, i do everything and have since the day he was born. i'm at the end of my rope i have no one to talk to and i have court in two days and i feel so hopeless. it's his word and his entire family's words against mine. I just need encouragement or the comfort of someone else going through the same thing....

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14 Comments

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Miranda - posted on 10/25/2011

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Call Child protective services....i know i didn't want to either but get them involved. For years I tried to go thru the courts in New York and never had anything happen either. My ex drives drunk with the kids and beats his girlfriend in front of them and all I got was threatened to go to Jail if I didn't comply with the court order. Now I have Cps and counselors on my side and my kids are old enough to speak their own minds as well. (13,11,7)

Casey - posted on 10/25/2011

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I live in Ventura County CA

Erin - posted on 07/23/2010

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You have the right to appeal any decision made by the court. So, my best advice would be to obtain an attorney (by what you described it sounds like you would qualify for legal aid). You can either have the attorney file a modification of the current custody/visitation arrangement or file an appeal to a higher court with the understanding that typically not all appeals are heard. I agree with everyone's advice about documentation of events that occur-- I document each time my son's father takes him because he takes him so little, just in case one day he decides to be a jerk If you suspect that your son's father is using while in care of your son then contact a child welfare agency. I know child welfare agencies have a bad reputation; however, they may have the ability to drug screen your son's father-- depending on where you reside. Also depending on where you live, if you suspect your child's father is using and you send your child for visitation (even if it is court ordered) and something happens you could be held just as responsible. My intention is not to stress you more about it but think that is important to know.
As far as your book, I think your story could make a very powerful book. One of the most remarkable books I ready was someone's personal story of dealing with domestic violence (Surviving Intimate Terrorism).
I think you will be fine and you will make it. Regardless of what your child's father tries to do, you are the one acting for your child for the right reasons and that is clear.

Nancy - posted on 07/16/2010

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I have not been through what you are going through but I have been through a divorce. Why dont you look online and see if there is any family law lawyers that are free of charge or charge just a small amount that is what i did and the family lawyer that i got did it for free they just asked to verify my income and it was a long wait of line wene i went the first time but it was all worth it dont give up your think that you are fighting for your son and that is the most important thing.

Nikki - posted on 07/15/2010

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i dont know if you wanna say this on here, but where do you live that this is happening? i agree with some of the others!!! do whatever you can to expose the courts to any attorney!!! many do it for free just to get the exposure and stuff in public!!! you will make it! contact your local social services and tell them what is having. have child services get involved. anything can help you from people who know you as a character witness!!! you will make it through this hard time!!!

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2010

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It doesn't FEEL like you are going to make it, but you are going to get through this. Keeping notes of your feelings and experiences on a daily basis in a journal is a good idea, so you can look back and see how far you have come. Sometimes the best encourager you have is yourself in hindsight. Who knows? maybe it will turn out to be a book someday. As far as the babies father.. I think most of us on here can relate (I know I can for sure).. yes you need to focus more on getting through this legal time and please document everything. Sometimes the hardest part of being a single parent is that we do alot (the job of 2 people with little to none recognition.. but then again we don't do it for the purposes of flexing our muscles do we? WE do it because its the damn right thing to do.. GOd notices and He is jsut to reward in His timing.. trust me on that one that no unjust deed will go unnoticed.. so all those men out there who for the now seem to be getting away with everything.. it will catch up..) as for you and now hun! YOU ARE SUPERWOMAN!! And you are not alone in your battle.. If you are ever interested in gaining strength and support from listening to anothers story.. you can message me.. I think we have alot in common for sure.. just don't get too high nor allow yourself to get too low.. stay balanced girl.. its key.. and focus on the battle in front of you and worry not on ones that may or may not come in the future.. I am 30 and my son is 6 and its like the fathers of our children are almost the same.. its sad and not fair at times.. but you got to put him to rest now and not allow him any more room in your life and heart and mind.. he is not worth the flip slops you walk in.. just keep your head up and its going to be okay.. and never be afraid to gain support from other mothers who can know and empathize.. though we like to think we can do it all alone.. truth is we need support.. On your side! Blessings!

Lisa - posted on 07/15/2010

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if your courts keep railroading you ,you could expose them through the media.call your local news station and ask for thier investigative reporterand explain your situationyou could at least get a decent attorney to help you for free.i pray that God blesses you with some miracles.stay positive!!

Casey - posted on 07/15/2010

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Thanks everyone. It's hard when everyone i knows knows i'm a great mom and then his father just says the opposite, it's like our son is so wonderful and that's a direct reflection of me and he likes to take all the credit as if he raised him single handedly. But yea i think there's so many different things i could write about in a book, like abuse and courage and most of all the injustices of the law and how it protects the guilty. but i probably will be waiting til i graduate school first

Emily - posted on 07/15/2010

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hun you are so pretty you can make it we are stronge, we are women that have been through a lot and made it..remember that you are never ever a lone you'll always have your baby that loves you more then anything in this world..

Emily - posted on 07/15/2010

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you should write a book there are many girls out there that could use your advice.I wish I had listened when I was 18 and pregnant..

Casey - posted on 07/14/2010

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Well i went to court today and i had all the times he was late recorded which was pretty mcuh 4 out of 5. he was late on father's day, cancelled xmas eve. I had proof of him refusing to take a drug test on my voicemail, the mediator even acknowledged that he was dirty by not taking the test but didn't even care! he ended up getting more time and i lost the right to drug test him. I don't know if it's just where i live but the system our here is so wrong they really don't care if a parent is on drugs or says things in front of the child they just don't care. all anyone cares about is money

Kawaiiana - posted on 07/14/2010

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wow hunni i am sorry to hear that but i know you have been t court already but i pray you were still held with shared custody and now it is time for you to go into safe mode.

from this point on only talk to him with someone around to witness what him and his family have to say. if you can talk through text messages so you have proof of the things he says to you. then get you a lawyer. and show him what you have. make sure you get stuff from all his family so he will have no witnesses to say that you are unfit or beating your child. then get all your professor to right notes about your behavior and character in school, get your childs doctor to right a letter about the health of your child. everytime he comes home from his dads take him into the doctor so they can look him over and if he is smoking meth see if the doctor can detect it in his blood because you know he is smoking around your son. and then you take lawyer and everything else you have to court and custody of your son.

Petula - posted on 07/13/2010

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Casey, I'm sorry to hear about all of this. My advice to you is to get someone on your side quick fast and in a hurry. Get your professors or classmates to testify or write depositions on your behalf, join a mother's group (yes, I know time is short and scarce, but you need a support system), join a church, have your pediatrician write a report or something about the health of your son and how he thinks you're doing as a mother. You can even go to social services and get support that way. They have a list of resources that may be able to assist you. Contract legal aid in your state for advice and representation. Call every lawyer in the phone book 'til you find someone that will do it pro bono or on a payment plan.

Also, keep notes (accurate notes of every encounter and conversation), recordings, pictures... whatever you can get to support your accusations against the father and his family. Whatever you do don't interact with him on an argumentative level. Talk to him in front of neighbor's houses or whatever and regardless of what he says don't respond. Let other people, who can vouch for you, say that he's irate or abusive or whatever.

As far as the book keep it waiting in the wings while you get this situated. When the time is right it'll flow.

Good luck.

Jennifer - posted on 07/13/2010

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Not exactly been through what you have. But have had my fair share of dealing with an asshole who is the father of my children. Best advice I can give to you is, document EVERYTHING!! Phone calls, text messages, emails, ect..