Need help to save my son's broken heart and destored mind!

Pati - posted on 01/14/2009

Sounds like he is worried when you leave you are not coming back. Maybe he is worried that you are going to get another life with a new man and friends and he will not be important. My daughter has been going through this for along time. After years of abuse I left her father when she was 9, he then took her from me and we had a 3 year legal fight. When the courts gave her back to me, he disappeared from her life, and a year later, he came to see her cheer at her high school game then before she could see him again he died.  

She had some real issues with abandonment and at 17 is still very possessive with me. .  I actually started only having people over to my house for awhile. That way she was there to meet and be a small part of it.  We had her friends spend the night as she would wake up and want to come home from their house. I don’t know if she missed me or wanted to check up on me or what but it was every time. She has never been ok with me dating and in fact, I could say she has won that battle, I stopped. She just this past 2 months has started sleeping alone every night but I notice that when she is with friends she needs to come home more often than before, she says she just needs to be near me. I had her in counseling in the beginning, court ordered it and she hated it. It does not help that her dad’s family has also just left her with no word or contact since his death 3 yrs ago.

You can only be there to support him, let him know you love him and that you will not leave him. Try and get a line of communication open with him about it. Maybe watch some movies about this topic.  It took us awhile, because though she was mad at him she still wanted to defend him. Its pretty hard for them to not blame themselves and not blame you, even though you’re the only 2 left. One thing I did was to get the other guys on my side of the family to come around more. This was not easy as she was rude and sometimes even cruel; I believe she hated all men for awhile. But through me begging them to help me help her, they kept coming around and letting her know they loved her and though they could not explain why her dad was the way he was that they loved her and would be there for her if she needed something.

Now it seems that she is opened up more, she talks to all of them and she spends time with her male cousins. It may take a while but you will eventually move through this and he will gain trust and independence.  It was hard to help my kid through the pain and for her to understand that the only thing I needed her to do was to go to school and have fun and be a kid but we made it. Hang in there.

Tiffany - posted on 01/08/2009

I don't have any good advice but I am dealing with some of the same issues with my son. He is not as old but is struggling with the abandonment issues too. I would say continue with the counseling and also let your son know what you will and won't accept and stick to it. Maybe make a gradual plan with him and his counselor to help him overcome these fears. It will let him know up front what you are expecting. Then help him learn how to get out of these habits step by step. Good luck. Hang in there and know you are not alone!