Options when your children get ignored

Beth - posted on 06/12/2012

Several of his family have de-friended me on facebook, and I'm letting them do it off their own accord. I have reached a point now that this is their last line of having any contact with my girls, also I'm leaving this avenue open should the family need to get any important information to me about my ex (or another family member). I don't expect them to use it though. I am now waiting for the day where I have to inform them that their 'Dad' has died, hopefully his family will have the decency to let me know, so that I can inform my girls. Going on past experience, I am not expecting to be told and for me and my girls to find out at some later date.

The only reason that I haven't defriended them is that by remaining 'friends' with them on fb, it means that I do have some up to date information about the girls' paternal family - even if it's only bits and pieces.

Erin - posted on 06/12/2012

To be honest I think this family has taught the father of your kids to be like this. It must run in the family. They ought to be ashamed at punishing the kids just because their son has no interest in his own kids. You made a perfectly reasonable stepped plan to get him involved in their lives, he didn't bother to finish the plan. I wouldn't be FB friends with these people at all. They sound like a bunch of trouble to me.

Beth - posted on 06/10/2012

thank you for all the comments. I am now leaving it in their hands to let me know if and when they want contact with my girls. The older my girls get the harder it will be for them to establish any contact with my girls - the main (and only) reason that I have left the door open is so that I can take the higher moral ground with my girls. Let them know when they ask, that I gave their Dad's family the chance to be in their lives, but they decided that they couldn't or wouldn't make the most of it.

I also think that my ex has probably spun a few lines to make out that I was the evil parent. yes I did stop contact twice due to his behaviour, which was affecting the girls. On the last contact (2 years ago) I let him have contact again after a 3 year gap, but he stopped contact of his own accord, then when he wanted to see them (instead of writing letters) a few months later, I told him that he had to start from the beginning again - writing letters, he didn't like it. Said that the last lot of contact had to be done completely on the girls' terms and not on his. My girls knew that if they wanted to write back to him (or not) it was their choice and I was OK with what ever they choose to do. My eldest had done a letter for him for Father's Day (in June in the UK), which my ex never picked up from the agreed location. If (and I repeat if) he'd collected it and continued the contact, the girls may have seen him in a suitable location. He knew that he had to work up to that, but at the girls speed. He never managed to get to that stage and I haven't heard from him now in about 18 months.

My ex FIL won't have contact with my girls because my ex husband isn't seeing them. The stipulation was the ex had to see them at least once a month before the ex FIL would have any contact. Shame then that my ex couldn't/wouldn't keep up the contact. As I said to a friend of mine, both my ex and his family are alive to the best of my knowledge, but effectively dead in the eyes of me and my girls until they can be bothered to show any interest in my girls.

Angie - posted on 06/09/2012

I loved Strongerme's comment...you can only control you, you can't control others. Family, especially children, are such a blessing and with so many blended, separated families, I wish more people could get past the ex thing so the children have the wonderful experiences of grandmas and grandpas, aunts/uncles, cousins...and the very sad thing not only are your kids missing out, so are they..makes no sense.

My kid's older half brother (same dad/different mom) had a baby a couple years ago and my ex, his mom, and his mom's mom (so my kid's dad, their grandma & great-grandma) were so upset that their half-brother invited his brothers and me to her 1st birthday that they chose not to come. My ex is an alcoholic & has no visitation rights (fresh out of prison for felony DWIs). Instead of taking it as an opportunity to spend time with these kids ~ all of them, they gave the half-brother an ultimatum it was them or me...the half-brother said it's his daughters 1st birthday, he will invite who he wants, & if they have a problem with it, don't come and they didn't....sad, very sad to me...not like I wanted to spend any time with my ex, but I don't understand how they couldn't look past that as it wasn't about us, it was about the 1st birthday and they all missed out on it...for what? pettiness?

I think you have done everything you can; you've put it out there for them...it's up to them to do something with it. Best of luck to you :)

Milissa - posted on 06/09/2012

Move on with live without them. You can keep hitting the pause button for people intentionnly hurting your children. Stop giving them that power. You can keep your open door policy, but I wouldn't hold my breath or ever ask for anything!

M

Beth - posted on 05/30/2012

Certainly I'm glad that I divorced my ex husband and don't have to deal with the ex in-laws on a regular basis. Certainly agree with you about the stipulations - must care about my girls but not enough to make an effort. I know that the longer my ex in laws leave it the less interested my girls will become. When my eldest was about 5 she asked if her paternal grandparents were dead - said no they were still alive. Asked why they didn't contact her, and the only response I could give was that I didn't know. My daughter is now 12.

In the UK now, Grandparents have the legal right to have contact with their grandchildren - not sure of all the rules that are associated with it, but Grandparents now have more rights to their grandchildren than they did have, though not as strong as the parental rights.

I've accepted that my ex in laws have got lots of grandchildren that they see on a regular basis. Also have come to the conclusion that as my girls are out of sight, living several hours drive away, that they can't/won't make the effort. Another grandchild they were estranged from after one of their other sons got divorced, they've now re established contact with her after that son became more involved in the girl's life.

I just hope they feel guilty about ignoring my girls. Also I am partly waiting for someone to send me a message to say that the ex in laws (or another 'close' family member) is on their death bed and really want to see my girls or I get informed about the death and when/where the funeral is. Certainly if and when hear about any deaths, I have said to myself that I would let my girls know so that they are aware. If I hear about any deaths is another matter entirely.

StrongerMe - posted on 05/29/2012

The beauty of divorce is that you no longer have to please your in-laws. It is really their loss. If they wanted to see the firls, they wouldn't put stipulations on it. My mother wouldn't care if I ever saw my children, but she would fight to the death to get to see them.
My boys don't see my ex-husbands parents much. It makes me sad sometimes, but I realize that I am only in control of what I do, not of what they do. Enjoy your girls. They can't miss what they never had.

Beth - posted on 05/27/2012

Thank you again. At least I know that I can take the higher moral ground. When my ex FIL said he wanted to have contact but wasn't prepared to at this time, I thought he'd also lost his last best chance to have contact with my girls. My eldest is the only one who just about remembers her paternal grandparents - and that's if she really thinks about it.

I've been working on my family tree for the best part of 20 years now, and I have included my ex's side of the family so at least my girls have some information on their paternal side of the family. Regardless of whether my ex and his family wish to have contact or ignore my girls, at least my girls will have some information about them.

Certainly agree with you that all of them are missing out on my girls' lives major style - they wouldn't even recognise my girls if they passed them on the street. My girls have all achieved so much academically and out of school as well. The only concern I have is if any of my daughters achieve the standard that they're in the newspapers/on TV that the ex and his family will suddenly come out of the woodwork to try and get some of the limelight. I will cross that bridge if and when we get to it. If they do come out of the woodwork, then I will talk to my girls about their being contact, but would be tempted to let him and his family where to go in no uncertain terms, or at least have very controlled contact between them and my girls.

Susannah - posted on 05/26/2012

That's right. You can tell your girls with sincerity that you tried your hard\dest to involve their father's family in their lives and you'll always know in your heart that you have done everything in your power to unite them with thier estranged family.

A good momma does everything she can for her children, and you apparently do. It is the family's loss, not yours or your daughters'. They have the best family they could hope for in you.

Beth - posted on 05/26/2012

Thank you Susannah, you have reassured me that I am doing the right thing. Certainly I feel that my ex father in law is taking the easy option and that's not being in my girls' lives. My ex parents in law have about another 21 live grandchildren, 1 grandchild who didn't live long and another one on the way. Also have 6 great grandchildren with a 7th on the way. That's at the last count. So in some ways they can 'forget' about 3 of their grandchildren.

After I had communciated to my ex FIL, about contact, I thought in someways it was selfish of him, to ignore my girls and not give my girls the chance to have both sets of grandparents in their lives. But on the other hand they have a right to ignore my girls. At least when my girls grow up and do ask about their paternal grandparents/family I can say they were offered to be in their lives but decided that they didn't want to.

Susannah - posted on 05/25/2012

It seems to me that the ball is in your ex's court. He had some contact with his girls but it only lasted a few months. Clearly he is not very interested in a relationship with them at this time. If he was he would never let so much time pass without seeing them.

As far as his family is concerned, I think it was fair of you to extend an invitation into your daughters' lives and if they turned you down, then it is their loss. They can be involved with your girls even if the father is not. But if their choice is no then there isn't anything you can do to change their minds.

It is unfortunate that the family would deny your daughters the oppurtunity to get know them and it is truly heartbreaking that their father has distanced himself from them. But they have a mother who loves them so deeply that they will be forever secure in that love. You just do everything you are already doing and someday when that estranged family sees what they are missing they will kick themsleves for not taking advantage of the oppurtunity to get to know such great girls when they had the chance.

Not to mention their father has-and is-missing out on the greatest times of his daughters' lives and he will never be able to get those moments back. But you have each and every one of those memories in your heart forever while his will be forever void of them.