Scared to leave..but think i should??

Diana - posted on 02/22/2011 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I am 37 weeks preg.. first child its a daughter im so excited. My bf and me planned to have this baby..and slowly everythings deteriorated from the get-go. Im white, hes iranian..to say the least his mom hates mesince becomming pregnant she was threatening to kill herself if i didnt get an abortion and has found way to directly and indirectly harass me the whole time ive been pregnant.. ive stayed with my bf.. he has gradually become less involved in my life, hes got everything for the baby but leaves inthe morning, comes home at night plays video games or whatever then goes to bed, never makes any effort to do anything with me even if i ask him he wont do it. Ive tried to make amends with his momeven though ive done nothing wrong and she wont budge.. He treats me like absolute garbage some days.. calls me names and tries to be controlling (doesnt really work im not the type to be controlled). Anyways, theres so much history its hard to put into words.. right now ive moved in with my mom because i was cut off EI and he wasnt working much so we're both at my moms house, ive got a nursery set up here, and i just recently started getting maternity benefits and im enrolled in school for nursing starting next january.. My boyfriends mom is guilting him into leaving to go to LA for a week with her to see family the WEEK my baby is due? he says he wont go until right atfter, but i still dont want him to leave and im sick of him never saying no to his mom and never putting mine or my daughters interests first. I want to leave him im so sick of dealing with his mom, ive been too scared to leave him but now that im almost done, i almost think its the smarter thing to do.. hes changed so much and clearly if his mom will not respect me and he will not stand up for me or set limits with her.. i dont know if this will work! help! im so confused i just need some guidance.. ive tried talking to him, and he sends me nasty messages or says nasty things back telling me "to just leave him if i dont like the way im being treated"
what am i going to do

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Meagan - posted on 02/23/2011

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You are at the start of a very dangerous relationship. It always starts with belittling and making you feel like your not worth it, and I do not want to see you or the baby get hurts when it escalates, and it will escalate. Just leave him. Since you are living with your mom, ask her to ask him to leave. Tell him it's over, and stay safe. If that's not an option, go to a domestic violence shelter, and ask them for help. Don't fall for the sweet talk. He wont change. Also, since you are facing harrassment from his mom too, it's not healthy. Just leave. And be done with it. You will find someone better. You don't deserve to be treated like that, ever. =]

Storm - posted on 02/22/2011

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seek help and counseling and safe place remeber just becuse he is in america does not mean he was raised american iran has diff views take your baby and run

JuLeah - posted on 02/22/2011

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Contact a shelter adn let them help you. The first two weeks after leaving are the most dangrous for you and your child. Yes, leave. These things never get better, always get worse .... get help and get out, but be safe and be smart .... good luck
Ohh, don't know where you live, but in most places resources are hard to come by. You deserve them, even if budget cuts have made them unaviable to you. Don't give up, call and call again ... squeeky wheel and all that

[deleted account]

Until I read your last few times I was going to suggest talking to him and making sure he realizes that he's been choosing his mom over you and the baby. Sounds like he already knows that though and doesn't care.

If he won't talk about it, won't go to counseling, and doesn't care that he's treating you badly.... It doesn't look like you have much of a real option. I am NOT an advocate for splitting.... especially when children are involved, so I'm not going to outright suggest that. Just take a long hard look at your life and the way you are being treated. Do you want your daughter to think that it is ok for a man to treat her the way your boyfriend treats you? If so.... there is your answer. If not.... there is ALSO your answer.

The only other thing I can add is that I think it would be extremely beneficial for you to seek some counseling. They can be a great resource for listening and encouragement.

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Barbara - posted on 05/08/2012

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Hey Diana! I've got to say that I truly believe that you would do better on your own. I mean, in the time you have been away from him, you've gotten yourself benefits and enrolled in school. You have gotten your priorities straight and want the best for you and your child. There is no reason to expect anything less than the best when it comes to men. My oldest child's father was a deadbeat. He never made us a priority and didn't see my son until the day we left the hospital. You can not make him change. The only thing you can do is encourage a relationship between your child and their father. If he doesn't make an effort, so be it. Unfortunatly, there are things we just have to accept. Hopefully, the father will grow up and realize what is important before it's too late, but if not, it always works out for the best. My son hasn't seen his father since he was 2 weeks old. My son knows my husband is not his father b/c my son is half black. My son doesn't feel any worse about himself b/c he doesn't know his real father. I'm not saying that it will always be like this or that your situation will turn out the same, but just trying to encourage you to know that it will work out ok, as long as you just concentrate on what's best for your child.

Vernita - posted on 05/05/2012

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Do exactly what he said, to just leave if you don't like the way he's treating you. If his mom wants to hurt herself because she donsn't want to deal with the fact that her baby boy has made a grown man decision to get someone pregnant, oh well. Listen, you're not married so really there's nothing keeping you in this relationship. How can you trust someone, who wants to kill themself, with your baby. You said you're not the one to be controlled, that you are both in YOUR mother's house, tell him you would work something out with getting him his things, he ain't got to wait to go away with his mother go now.

Dana - posted on 03/07/2011

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I have been in your shoes, and didn't leave when I first realized I should. I ended up with three little girls in a relationship that progressively got more and more abusive. I wish I had listened from the beginning to the people who loved and cared about me. It is very scary to think of having to raise your daughter on your own, but you and the baby will be much happier. I have been a single mom for the past 8 years now and even though the road has been quite bumpy I'm glad I finally made the decision to leave. My girls may be growing up in a broken family, but its a healthy, happy, safe family and I don't worry that they will grow up thinking its okay for man to be disrespectful or violent towards them. I wish you the best of luck! Just know that you have more strength inside you than you ever imagined...you can do it!

Cass - posted on 03/07/2011

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I am so sorry for your hardship. Be strong and know you are worth a lot more. Your baby would have so respect for you if you stayed in a relationship that is so abusive. I agree with the others and you should go to a woman's shelter asap. It is not easy being a single mother. But it's way better than dealing with that when you could be enjoying that little person you've have brought to the world. Go and God bless.

Jennifer - posted on 03/07/2011

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I know that this is all scary to do it on your own but truthfully it will be so much better than having to deal with him and his crazy family as well as raising a child. Not only does it sound like even if you stay that you will be raising this little girl alone but you will have to constantly be trying to keep you and him together. And if he wants you and is willing to set his family straight he will follow after you and if he doesn't then he doesnt deserve you or that baby. If you have supportive family of your own I suggest you lean on them for support and get out now before the baby comes and it is even harder to leave.

Reeva - posted on 03/05/2011

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I was in a similar position also except my ex did not need his mother around to be a jerk! I feel like I have been to hell and back with this guy and have no intention of doing it all over again. We were together 3 years and we have 2 kids, I left when i was 5 months pregnant taking my daughter with me. We were both living in OZ and I moved us back to NZ my biggest regret is leaving Brisbane because I loved and still love it!..

My son is 7 months now and he has not met his father, there was a time I felt guilty that I had taken away the relationship between my kids and their father now i finally realised if someone really wants to be apart of your life then they will make a effort to be in it. He doesnt.

Truthfully we are better off without him and im so glad i rode through all those emotions to get where I am now.

Christine - posted on 03/05/2011

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If you are asking this question you already know the answer. You do not need permission from us or anyone else to leave. You are a Mommy now! You need to do what is best for you and your baby. Being in that kind of relationship will NEVER be what is best for either of you.

He needs to grow up and he isn't going to do it any time soon. He will go home to his Mommy. You will be labeled as the 'bad guy' by his family. BUT at least you and your child will be safe, healthy, and happy.

Don't worry about him...his Mommy will take care of him and enable him to do the same thing again!!

Take care of yourself and your bebe. Tell him its time to go and don't look back!!

Daria - posted on 03/05/2011

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I was in the same position.. I left when I was six or seven months. It was a good decision to get away from him, being that he was showing that he wasn't going to be a father to our son, the only thing I regret is that I left the city I was in THAT'S IT...

Veronique - posted on 03/03/2011

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Leave! As hard as it maybe be, for the safety of you and your daughter just leave him. He seems very controlling and his mom is not helping. You said your all set up at your moms, then just kick his ass to the street. I know he's you baby's daddy but he doesn't seem to care if you leave him or not plus he treats you like crap and you are his baby's mama...

Kari - posted on 03/03/2011

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You never know if he will change when the baby comes, but for now, it does sound like he is being emotionally abusive and as long as you have your family to support you, you will be fine! I would just tell him that you are not happy with how he is treating you and you need some time by yourself. Although daunting, being a single mom is not the end of the world by any means. Better to be by yourself than with someone who doesnt treat you right! Good luck!

Lindsay - posted on 03/02/2011

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Being a single mom is a scary thing to face, especially when the pregnancy was intentional and you thought that you were in this "together." But believe me when I tell you that it's much easier to be a single parent than a parent who is afraid for her own safety and more importantly the safety of her child. Some one else posted about what your daughter is going to see if you stay in this relationship, they're right. Our children don't learn from what we say, they learn from what we do. Be strong and seek out support from other women who will encourage you! GET OUT! Protect this little child, that is your duty and your blessed obligation. I'll pray for you.

Misty - posted on 03/01/2011

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I will be the brave one and tell you, you need to leave him. That is emotional abuse. Even if you think you can live that way do you want your daughter growing up seeing that and thinking that is acceptable? Because she will and she is most likely going to end up in an abusive relationship when she comes of age. I was in am abusive relationship mentally, emotionally and psychologically then it turned physical and when it happened while I was holding my daughter and pregnant with my son I decided that was it. I would not have her grow up thinking it was okay for a man to treat her that way and as I've found out through counseling chances are the abuse would've transferred to her and her brother eventually as well and I refuse to let it happen. Yes it is so hard on my own with 2 but we are much better off without that abuse and instability.

Julie - posted on 03/01/2011

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I agree with Meagan ~ get out now! Having a baby can push a good relationship to the max. If he doesn't support you as a partner, he wont. As yourself "If he never ever changes, will you be happy?' Do it for your baby and you're already a great mommy!!

Geneen - posted on 02/28/2011

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So Why are you staying with someone in oyur words "treat you like garbage" and verbally abuses you". It does not make any sense to stay in an abusive and controlling realtionship. Please see a counsler. Your health and well being comes first, not some guy who does not care about you or your chilldren.

Lanette - posted on 02/28/2011

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I don't want to tell you what to do but I am. For the sake of you sanity and the health of your unborn baby I would do whatever it takes to make you happy and sane. I would leave. When this baby comes you will have sooo many hormones and emotions going through your body that having useless worthless person (boyfriend) will only overwhelm you. I say this because I have been a single mom since I was 7 weeks pregnant (my sons father isn't involved at all). My son is now 3. It will not be easy but if your strong enough and have the support of family and friends it is possible. If you believe in God pray on it. Know that through strength comes adversity. You'll get through it.

Kelly - posted on 02/23/2011

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if you've talked to him, explained how hurt you are, and he still takes his mom's side, then tell him to go...you two are at you mom's right...tell him to go home to his mommy, that may be the only way he sees the light so to speak, and if he doesn't see the light, then although you'll hurt for awhile, you won't wake up 5 yrs down the road, and regret wasting 5 yrs in such a negative environment...Good Luckl

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