Serious question... in a bad relationship... need to leave...

Roseanne - posted on 05/28/2010

Go to the hospital and talk to a social worker, call the hotline, find someone you can really trust to get you out of there, get a restraining order on him. I have been in your situation before and my heart goes out to you. God bless and keep your chin up.

Shawn - posted on 05/28/2010

You can speak with womans shelters to get more advise for your area. Start getting copies of pictures, little things u may over look like that. Also very important, remember most things are replaceable, and most times it is better to do that to feel like things are starting over, so what you can let go of do it.Get copies of important documents, replace and take the important ones for yourself.Open an account at a bank in a different state or even online u can do that now, and start putting money away. But whatever you do make sure the mail goes to a friend you trust, or relative who will help you. Ban together with others, like myself, nothing like woman power to help you. You would be amazed how many other women out there will help you, even not knowing you. Its the common interest of knowing how serious this really is, and knowing how its effecting your life on a daily basis. When your willing to give up everything you know now just to have happiness.....your ready to change it:) Dont worry about money so much, just take things one thing at a time that you can deal with, then things will fall into play, and you will feel like your moving forward and not stagnated by doing nothing.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/27/2010

Ok....I want you to call or go down to your local Department of Human Service Office and ask about resources for Women and Children safe places to live as well to give you other related information. Do you have HASCA there where you live that is Housing for low income( I suggests this considering I don't know your income) They are also a good place to start they will help you find housing. As for the mental and emotional is also domestic abuse. Is there a woman's center/shelter where you live, they can help you and your children find a SAFE place to live so that your partner cannot locate you. Pack things you would need and you and the girls get out. You seem like a very strong person you'll take action for your girls and you. My prayers are with you.

Lisa - posted on 05/27/2010

You need to put away enough money to plan the big escape....do you have a friend or family member you can stay with til you can get back on your feet?

Heidi - posted on 05/27/2010

You need to get a storage unit, or a friends house and start packing when he is at work. Little things that he will not notice, yours and your kids clothes and then one day when he is gone leave. Or since he is not physically abusive, just leave have friends and family there while you are packing your stuff or the police if you have to but just leave and then put your thoughts in order after you leave just get out for your kids and for your own sanity:)

Marnie - posted on 05/27/2010

hi i now how it feels to make that first break it is hard i didnt have family close but had good friends but it was still very hard with all the emotional stress that came with walking away i found my doctor was a realy good support and she helped me contact community agancies that could help and when i did that i found a course that helped me heaps to rebuild my self esteem and since then i have found life alot easyer i dont jugde myself or wonder if im doing some thing wrong that im going to get yelled at it been great

Dr. Virginia - posted on 05/26/2010

First be sure you and your children are not in danger. Most crimes of violence are committed under the influence of alcohol: so be careful. You should arrange your finances so that you have your own bank accounts. Any credit cards or stores where you may have joint accounts, get your name off of them. Be your own person. This is the first thing to get control over your life. Taking the steps to start having control over your life helps to reduce anxieties and increases confidence. See what help there is out there from your State Dept ofHealth and Human Services. You may be eligible for assistance with food, rent, etc. Don't be embarrassed to ask, this is a temporary measure until you get settled. Most states have assisstance available when there are minor children, especially for healthcare. Plan everything well, this is not the time to be impulsive or spontaneous and you will succeed at your goal. Good Luck!

Joni - posted on 05/26/2010

No advice, just sending you warm fuzzies.

Sue - posted on 05/26/2010

I was in the same situation....the emotional abuse is mentally exhusting it drains u. I had told him time n time again...but he didnt think i was going to do it. I had found a unit n went to department of housing they helped with the bond n i had saved up a lil too...but i agree with the other strong women that have posted. Get the small things out 1st eg: paper work get ur name off the lease etc I no it seems like such a big long road, but like they say there is a light at the end of the tunnel. GOODLUCK hun x0x0x would love to know how u get on...:)

La-Tricia - posted on 05/25/2010

u could go 2 the shelter, they'll pay 4 ur storage fee's... But I don't think u should leave while he's at work. I mean there is no danger n the home. what u do is, while he's at wrk, have family && friends help u pack. That way it wont take as long as if u were 2 do it on ur own. If ur scared keep ur family && friends around when he comes home frm wrk. Let him know what's what, && that ur leaving. U owe that 2 him, the kids, and urself. And u'll hace sum closure. Frm Trice... P.S.... Being on ur own, raising ur kids aint as bad as ppl make it seem. I've been doing it since my son was born. Take care, hope everything goes well.

Shameka - posted on 05/25/2010

First Pray so that God can lead you step by step on how to handle the situation. I remember the screaming, cussing, throwing of furniture, broken glass from the house to my car windshield. Never physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally and the kids and I are still trying to heal, but we;re getting there. I was so glad the day I told him he couldn't live with us anymore. I have PEACE now, something I treat like an undiscovered jewel. Cast all your anxiety on him=God, for He cares for you! I'll be praying for you and your family!

Clare - posted on 05/25/2010

good on ya you will feel a whole lot better wen its over.

Melissa - posted on 05/25/2010

My entire family lives out of state. I have called local shelters and gone to some Al Anon meetings. Am getting some legal advise about how to get out of the lease. All you you women are helping me! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. 1 step at a time and I WILL get out.
Prayers,
~M

Clare - posted on 05/25/2010

you have to get out before it gets worse, you have 2 kids to think of put them first if you have any family im sure they will help. you need to do it 4 urself as well.

Tamara - posted on 05/24/2010

You're on the best network you could be on! I bet that there's a hundred moms in your area who would come to your house and help you pack with him standing right there. However, if he's abusive, get a restraining order, the law will make him leave and you won't have to move anywhere.
But if that's not an option, wait till rent is due and then leave so you have money for a security deposit and if he doesn't pay when you're gone, by the time it's on your credit you'll already have another place.
I can't stand lousy drunks.

JuLeah - posted on 05/23/2010

He doesn't have to be physically abusive to be abusive - the damage is the same.

Sort through all your papers and gather them into one place, like at your mothers. Birth certificates, marriage lic, medical up dates .... passports ... photos

Start to move a few boxes at a time and store them at a friends house
Call shelters? Find housing, seek counseling for you and your kids
Al-Anon is GREAT!!!! Al-ateen for the kids

Get a cell phone he does not know about and make sure NO ONE will give him the number

Get an email account he does not know about - passcode he doesn't know

Checking account all your own

Gather friends to help you move in a day

Understand, the two weeks after you leave are the most dangrous - have a safelt plan for you and your kids

A shelter worker can help you plan

Jennifer - posted on 05/23/2010

I agree with all the posted. I was in a (okay a few in my past) mentally and emotionally abusive situations. Make a list of all the important things first and yes, get your daughters involved and have them help and get them to make a list as well. Keep it out of sight of course!!!! Then whatever vehicle you can find, even if you can gather a pick up or anything big, please do so!! Are you in SW MN? If so I will be there ASAP To help!! I know you probably are not, but serious if you are, I am there!! Abuse is abuse. This guy obviously does not want to get help and cannot see what he is doing to you is wrong.. So now he has to do it without you. Talk to your landlord and take care of your half of the lease the DAY OF your leaving so your landlord cannot squeal on you or accidentally leak info. Remember any financial documentation you share -- get while he is gone and make copies, and take with you, make sure any financial info and any of your daughters personal items (diaries,etc.. are out). I have been kind of through this.. can you tell? I hate to be paranoid, but anyone ready to leave an abusive situation like you are deserves all the advice and help you can get. I hope this helps!

Sarah - posted on 05/23/2010

okay, i just went through this 3 months ago.. except he was abusive. you need to limit yourself, you cant take everything.. start by taking the small important things and bring it to your parents house.. you need to take all the little important things first because those are the things you wont get back.



i ended up leaving with him there screaming and hitting me and like it was just a terrible situation but i had no choice. make sure you have all you and your daughters ids. i went through this and they told me what to do in the situation and i think you should just know you cant bring everything with you.. i had nothing i had 3 garbage bags that i barely made out with if you have a family member that you can stay at and leave your stuff at for now till you get on your feet do that. or a friend...



and plan what your going to take make a list of everything and hide it somewhere in your purse , because your name is on the lease that means if you need to you can get police supervised time to go back and get some stuff and they watch you go in there and get your stuff so he cant do anything.. make sure you get your name taken off after though.. its very important because he could screw you over and not pay bills and stuff of that sort. but you could call hietas house, you can live in there if you have no where to go with your kids.. save up money is for abusied women in need. if you need anymore information im here.

i wish you the best, i've been alot happier since i've left that situation.. its really hard at first im not going to lie.. and since your kids are older it might be harder.. unless they know what he does to you.



i wish you luck.

Candice - posted on 05/23/2010

i think you should call a domestic violence shelter in your area. they have lots of advice on how to leave and may even be able to support you in doing it. emotional and mental abuse IS ABUSE. where i am, if you go through them first you can get to the top of the list for subsidized housing as well.
please be aware, leaving will probably set him off, so you need support. i would also talk to the rental people before you do anything...explain your situation, see if there's anything they can do to get you off the lease.
GOOD LUCK!

Cassandra - posted on 05/22/2010

Well i've never been in that kind of position before but if you need more then 1 day to get your things out, Start taking some of the things he won't notice that are gone first. Also take the time to plan out exactly what you are going to take, that can help with only having a day.

Also make sure you get your name taken off the lease of the house you rent so that he can't ruin your credit by defaulting on paying the rent and what not.

Also keeping your daughters home for a day while he's at work they can help you pack everything you need to take and ask any family members you have to help you.