Should I be the one to contact him about our child or wait for him to do it?

[deleted account] ( 14 moms have responded )

I am very saddened right now. A little about my situation is I'm a mother to a beautiful biracial 3 year old daughter with my now ex. We had a six month long relationship that ended due to him cheating and getting that girl pregnant around the same time as me. He denied our baby even after paternity established and I placed him on child support, which in turn required a state 2nd dna test, for a whole year he still did nothing.

He went to prison when she turned one and the other woman, other baby mama walked away from him and got with someone else. We wrote while he was in there for 2 years, I visited and we got back together. Two weeks before he got out because he started to sound like he hadn't changed I ended it.

He got out a week ago and the 2nd day he was out he called asked for our baby and how she was and talked to her, he came over that night and we slept together. I got frantic that Id messed up then but it seemed fine because the next day he texted asking about her again, talked to her on the phone and we took her to the park and for ice cream. But ten minutes into the 2nd playdate he asked was I going to give him some (more) sex.

I told him no and that me and her were leavign and going to the store. I go home from the store (and Id dropped our daughter off to my mom) and there he was parked in front of my place. When he got inside he wasn't taking no for an answer and my dumb behind didn't do much to try and stop him. I felt cheap and dirty after but he assured me all was well and he would call me about the baby.

Well I was still freaking out by that afternoon the next day because no usual good morning hows the baby, let me talk to her text or call came. I text him and told him nothing sexual can ever happen between us again because I want to be sure us being around each other is about her and not sex. He said he respected that and we can be good friends and even better parents.

But what is hurting me is that he STILL didn't ask where she was, how she was or anything. Im currently in the process of a move and I told him give me until Thurs to get situated and I will call him so he can talk to her and he simply said "aight". That's the last Ive heard from him. Im terrified that my 2nd moment of weakness has cost my daughter a relationship with her father and on the other hand what if he only wants to seem to care about her when he wants something.

He certainly didn't act as concerned about her today as the other couple of days. I guess I will have to wait until I call him on thursday to see if he sounds upbeat when I call him to talk to her. Part of me wonders should I even be the one to call or see if he does it on his own? I already said I would but I dont want to seem like Im pressuring him or begging him to be there for her because she is so much more than someone who has to beg for ANYONE (daddy and all's) affections. Im wondering should I back off and wait and see what he does but Im scared if I dont be the one to call then he will use that as his excuse to walk away. What would you do?

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Jen - posted on 06/05/2012

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I mean, don't stress about him. If he wants to be an A$$, let him be that. When the new baby comes, file for child support and let the DNA test talk. Email him only with updates (ie. Baby 1 starts school next week, Baby 2 due date is... Baby 2 born..., Baby 1 birthday coming up).

Don't ever talk negative about him to your children, in time they will figure it out for themselves. Just go about your business as normal, don't worry about him. Don't stress yourself about him, was probably more the better wording. :)

Rebecca - posted on 06/05/2012

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You are very welcome.....it's a hard job but you have been doing it all along...so don't waste another thought on him...you have better and more important things to think about...if u ever just want someone to vent to or talk to...email me...I have a pretty good ear...abirdbrai@hotmail.com

Rebecca - posted on 06/05/2012

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Like I said before...tell him to get lost....you can do so much better than...reading what you have written about him and his behaviour/lack of response to you makes my blood boil...you don't need a man to make your life complete...that's is what your children will do so enjoy your daughter and child-to-be and don't waste another thought on that piss-poor excuse for a man....I am a single mum too...you are strong enough to do it on your own...I really wish you all the best...be strong and stay strong :)

Jen - posted on 06/05/2012

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OP, I hope you called him on Thursday like you told him you would. If you didn't you'd be playing games with him, like you stated you didn't want to do in another post. If you don't want to play games, don't. If you say you're going to do something, do it. If you tell him that you don't want to have sex, don't. If you want to try again, tell him.

[deleted account]

If your ex is really interested about your daughter he will make the effort to be in her life. He is an adult and should be capable of making his decisions. The decision for him, regarding your daughter, is to be in her life or not. There is little or nothing that you can do about it - sorry.

Let your daughter know that she is cherished and loved by you and your family. With time, see what (if any) effort your ex makes to be in her life. You could look at creating something that has any pictures of him in and any letters/cards he's given/sent her.

If your ex decides not to be in your daughter's life then so be it - but don't bad mouth him, as your daughter gets older and enquires about him - then let her know what is the right information for her age/development. Maybe write down what you know about his family so that she has the potential to try and trace him at a later date (if it's something that she would like to do).

If he decides to be in her life - then that's fine, make sure that you apply the appropriate rules about contact in regards to your daughter. rules could include - don't ring after *time* because of her bedtime, You and your ex - non-sexual relationship, etc..

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[deleted account]

Lol, it's ok no problem...that exactly is what I planned on doing as far as the child support and paternity testing goes, then he can shut his mouth on that one. He tried that with our daughter and I paid for one out of pocket he said I switched results (what is this the young and the restless lol) so then I said, ok Ill let the state do one, he asked for a blood paternity and they said they would charge him if it was positively his and it was now he owes arrears and the state for the paternity test and he will owe for this one too.

I will not say nothing bad about him to them, you are right they will see firsthand who was there and who wasn't. Luckily my daughter has a strong positive male role model in her life. The father of my other daughter has pretty much raised her from day one and she calls him daddy. Only time she calls her real father that is when he asked her to or I would try and hint at it. She knows who her daddy really is. And you are right I cant stress over him, he made his choice to walk away and if he can sleep at night with that then so be it, but at the end of the day its just that, no matter how much I feel its wrong, its HIS choice so HE must live with it

[deleted account]

@Jen what do you mean don't stress him...I asked him what to do about the baby he said he didn't want it and he'll pay child support for our other one and stay out of his life, that's what I plan to do. I don't plan on begging him to do what's supposed to come natural to him when it comes to our child and child to be. He did what he had to do to remain "stress-free"...he ran.

@Rebecca, thank you for your encouragement. I have done it all this time without him around for her first year and with him locked up for two years and now with him out and running from responsiblities again Ill do it. I know I will :) He wants to go, he can go.

[deleted account]

I did call him like I was supposed to but he was very off putting. He was only responding to me in one word sentences and when I asked if he wanted to speak with our daughter he quickly said yeah lemme talk to her right quick, I put my ear to the phone and he was busy talking to someone else in the background while she was asking him questions, she gave me the phone back and said daddy wont answer me. I asked him why wasn't he listening he said Ill call you back and never did. He text me everyday once a day and asked the same question "wassup" Im like um, your daughter is good wanna talk to her and he kept putting it on me instead of making his own plans on when to see her. He treated me like I was a bother even when I was only responding to HIS initial text. I NEVER contacted him first after that thurs other than i emailed him pics of her and a video she made playing dolls on our laptop. He text me a day later saying I got the pics and video. i said ok and I heard from him no more. Fast forward to two days ago, I took a hpt and found out Im pregnant. It can only be his and I told him about it, told him Im willing to take a DNA test if he has concerns just like I did with our first child when he tried to say she wasn't his, we took one and the state for child support did another and he still denied for a year until he went to prison then he "manned up", now hes at it again, its not mine and told me to kill it if it is. I said Im not doing that Im not ending a life because YOU asked me to, and Im physically fit to take care of him/her so why would I do that. He said he wanted nothing to do with it I said what about our daughter now? You wanna just pay support then and be on your way? I was being sarcastic...but he was being dead serious when he said I can do that, hung up and changed his #. Havent heard from him since.

Rebecca - posted on 06/03/2012

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Tell him to get lost...he is a jerk who is selfishly motivated...find yourself a decent, caring man and perhaps that individual can be a father figure to your daughter...a father doesn't have to be the biological one...just the one who cares and loves her and wants to take on the responsibilities of being a father...something your ex knows nothing about...

[deleted account]

That is what I feel like @Louise...I feel like I shouldn't have to apply coercion just to get him to show interest in our child. The last text he sent he said we could be good friends and better parents but when he didn't ask me about her it just has me afraid. Also, I was the one who told him to give me yesterday and today to move into my new place and that I would call him on Thurs. Im wondering should I call him to talk to her or should I just wait and see if he does first? I don't want to play games and it seems like that would be playing games.

Louise - posted on 05/30/2012

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If he was interested about his daughter he would enquire about her. Back right off and leave it. he is useing you for sex. This is not what a concerned father would be doing. Do not contact him and if he does get in touch dont be so stupid as to fall for his crap again. Have someone there as well so this does not happen.

If you want to persue a relationship with him again then take things slowly, if he is interested he will wait for you to feel loved and respected and not cheap and dirty.

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