should i call the father or wait for him to make the move?

Rashell - posted on 06/17/2010 ( 35 moms have responded )

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I had a beutiful baby girl named Riley Mae born on may 29th and the father was told i was in labor and he did not show up and now that she is 2 weeks and 5 days old he still has not seen her should i call him and see if he want to see her or wait till he calles me for that chance to meet his daughter

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I agree w/ Candice. Have everything you possibly can down in writing. It'll really help if you end up in court and your ex tries to spread nonsense lies about you.

Congratulations on your precious baby!!!!!!

Amelia - posted on 06/19/2010

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As harsh as it sounds better that he has decided now not to be around than in 13 years down the road. We have 3 kids together and he moved out last november. My 13 and 11 yo boys are mad and upset. I think that the 5yo is still trying to figure it out. We are all hurt and just starting to get beyond it. The hardest part is that I am a stay-at-home mom and now have to figure out how to earn and income again. He isn't paying child support and I have proof of it. I am very upset about that part of things, thank goodness for state aide and a good lawyer.
You will make it. Hard as it is, we will all make it. Remember there are lots of other moms out there without any support at all and you do what you have to financially to make it work but love that baby and you will always know you did it right for her. She will know it too. There will always be something missing for her but she will know you were always right there. :) Good luck and happiness to you and her!

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Well congratulations my dear, i do say play your part accordingly...call him if you havn't already. And he is going to decide if he wants to be part of you little girl or not.Get he's side of the story and then take it from there...it's not about you only now, but Riley also... do not assume. Good luck, I was in the same situation...May God be with you both!

Andrea - posted on 07/01/2010

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Congrats! I wanted to say, that babies are not real to men during the woman's pregnancy. I do understand that he wasn't there when she was born, but calling him and giving him another chance to meet his living, breathing, beautiful little girl, would be gracious of you. When she is older, and asks about her dad, you don't want to say you never tried.
The decision is a hard one to make. However, it isn't for you, it is for your daughter. She has the right to know who her other half is... good, or bad.
Best wishes and good luck with your decision.

Sandra - posted on 06/30/2010

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Yes, Colleen very true.
Your right, we do get tired of being mom and dad.
Yes, he does need to step up and prove himself. BUT they will never be on our terms, only theres.
ANYTHING he is or isn't doing, will all be on him. Children are smart, they know this stuff.
I KNOW my children are worth more than me wasting my energy crabbing at their dad. I am not going to interupt my kids peace of mind cause their father isn't doing something. I know, that lets them off free but I have other things more important than to drain my energy on something I can not change.
BUT I am the one shining in my kids eyes, not him. Whatever it is they dont do or wont get for their child, thats ok, Mama's got this. They know "I" am their anchor and "I" am there for them. I love the fact that they want their mommie for everything. No I can not teach my son to be a man, but I am sure hes gotten enough love he will be a gentleman, full of love. I feel their love back at me everyday. And I rather have a loving, kind and respectful son, than a kid caught in the middle of 2 fussing adults.
The kids know, MOM has their best interest for them when dad is busy. So it matters more to me how my child sees ME. How they see their father, thats on him.
What we want from the father doesnt matter, only what the child wants. And their very smart.
Our hurts and disappointments by the other who helped create our beautiful gifts, are our let downs. They are not our childs let downs. And we can not instill them into our child. It will only confuse the child, not the absente parent.
Its is what it is.. But sometimes we just cant change things, no matter how much we want to so accept it and stand strong and tall. We will reap our rewards with our children.

Colleen - posted on 06/30/2010

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In response to Sandra! I agree with you to a point. In my situation Ive never nagged at him to see her or ask him for money or anything.. If he wants to be part of her life, Im tired of doing it for him its his turn. He needs to step up and prove that he will be a good daddy and a stable person in her life. But until he proves that he is just another man who talks and talks and talks and never follows through. its sad I know. I know some women nag these men and sometimes i think HEY they deserve it! But it gets to a point where yes the men think its easier to walk away then to have to deal with the mom. But dont you think that your child is WORTH anything even crabbing at ya? Men need to prove their worth. Every child deserves a mom and a dad but sometimes they dont get that because that man doesnt have the balls to stand up to the mom and say HEY Im trying this is my kid too..I want to be here. Those are the only words I wanna hear from my daughters fathers mouth. I want to help I want to be here. They havent popped out in any form.

Sandra - posted on 06/30/2010

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Let me ask this...
After reading so many posts.. Men will walk anyway before they stay and listen to womens ranting and ravings. These men just want to see their kids, BUT if everytime they come around their are fussed at, having to listening to some complaining or go through some crap, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK they will stay and take it all the time. THEY WANT to see their child, NOT you, nor deal with you.
When my kids dads upset me, we go back it being about the kids. I have a blessed situation and it is cause we stayed mature and respectful of the children.
So how many of moms actions are driving these men away. We ALL need to look at ourselves first BEFORE we point the finger. Then accept we aren't them and we aren't their mothers. They will do things on their terms NOT ours. Sometimes let things go and don't waste the negativity on things we can not change. They will pay the price to their child NOT us.
And just continue to do right by our children. Keep emotions out of it. And let the courts handle the laws that are due to our children.

Patricia - posted on 06/30/2010

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Congrats!
OK, I experienced the same thing and here's my "if I knew then what I know now" thing, NO! Absolutely NOT!!! Take him to court for child support! DO NOT LET HIM HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND THE BABY!!! Screw him! If he didn't care enough to see YOUR child born he doesn't deserve to be in any part of you and your babies life! My ex didn't want anything to do with our son til he was old enough to do "cool stuff with". I mean once in a while I would take MY son to his house, but other than that, he didn't call, pay support, send a Christmas card, birthday card or any type of card! I guarantee you will regret it!
Ex is still the same way with our son. He never bothers to call MY SON unless it's "convenient for him".
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Sandra - posted on 06/30/2010

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YES, call. Show you are the better person. This isn't about what is between you and him. Its about that baby girl. Yes, we have to endure the emotional pain of many let downs. It hurts and half the time we cant understand why they do the things they do as a man.
BUT this is about her. And you never want her to turn the cards and blame you for not seeing her dad.
When you make all things about the child and be very giving, whether the father deserves it or not, YOU will come out on top.
I never let my kids be torn between their dads and I have the greatest situation. And it certainly didn't start out that way. Everything you do, do it positively, and you will reap the good out of it all...
Negative actions and ways will always get you less in the end.

Kimberly - posted on 06/29/2010

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While i agree that you can;t make someone feel something, you sure as hell can insist that these faux fathers make an attempt at it. My daughter's father bolted when I ws 8 mos pregnant,. I was gonigt orefuse him access to her. Then I had a thought. At some point she would want to know why her father was not there for her birth, as a baby etc. I decided I never wanted to say well honey it's because he left and I wouldn;t let him try.

No I don;t accept the excuses that some men just aren't ready, etc. Guess what it was my first time too, but i reliazed my being a little uncomfortable pushing him to be in her life is WAAAYYYYY less important than her growing up without her daddy. And i am damn glad i swallowed my pride. its for her that I did and now she will always have him. It;s worth it to at least try.

Karan - posted on 06/27/2010

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I can only offer advice on my personal, yet similar, situation. The Father to my kid turned down every ride we had for him to come down to the hospital, and he chose to go to Pick your Part and work on his truck. Around 3 weeks he finally called and I used to allow him to see her. She is now 2 and he is a drug addict. I feel its better this way because no child should HAVE to live with addiction if it can be prevented. Until he gets the help he needs, I only allow supervised visits at my discretion. Its hard being Mom and Dad.

Colleen - posted on 06/27/2010

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Rashell, Congrats on the new addition. Sadly enough I am in the same situation. My daughters father knew about the pregnancy and I offered for him to come to Drs appts and all that stuff and he was always too busy or didnt have the money to drive an hour. Now after she was born i was in the same town as him for 5 weeks and he never appeared, never emailed, IMd etc. He showed up for 3 weeks when she was 3 months old we tried to work it out between us and it didnt work. He disappeared for 3 months again. Now that she is 6 months old I told him to let the courts decide if he gets to see her. She needs a stable father not one who only comes around when he is bored. Good Luck to you Be Strong you CAN do this..You are the one stable thing in that babies life. And trust me she knows that and LOVES you so much.

Kimberly - posted on 06/27/2010

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Don't call him. If he wants to be part of her life, he will. Forcing him will only make it worse. Just go get help from the state with child support and any other assistance you can get. If you try to force him, you may regret it later. Your daughter deserves loving positive people in her life. Not people that don't want to take responsibility for what they helped to bring into this world.

Natalie - posted on 06/26/2010

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congrats on your little lovey. my ex hadnt seen my girl since she was 15mths and even before that it was once a week for 5mins. she was in hosp for 6 weeks and even though he drove past every day on the way to and from work he couldnt make the effort.
better one parent who gives twice as much love then 1 1/2 who fight. get your child support papers in and get court documents and thats all you can do. if you force him to be a father he will only do a half haearted job and thats just not good enough.

Amie - posted on 06/26/2010

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congratulations on your beautiful little girl. I have the same issue with my daughters father. She is now 11 weeks old. However he did come see her once in hospital 5 days after she was born and was too busy talking about himself and his problems instead of talking about her. Now its been 10 weeks and i havnt heard from him. You have done the right thing and informed him that you were in labour and he is a big boy and is capable of calling you or texting you back if he really wanted to. dont feel guilty just feel proud that you have this little miricle to call your own and you can give her all your love and attention and thats what is more important. xox

Alicia - posted on 06/26/2010

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Truly, the sooner you allow yourself to get used to it...the easier it will be for you to move on, and give Riley all the attention she deserves. It probably hurts right now, but I PROMISE it gets easier, as long as you try....remember, his conscience should be hurting, not yours.

Alicia - posted on 06/26/2010

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I agree with Candice Clark. As a final attempt, you can send him an e-mail expressing your want and willingness for him to be in his daughter's life. This e-mail will be helpful as evidence for you if there is ever a dispute in court.
As many of these women said, you can't make a man be a good father. So after that ONE e-mail, I would suggest you don't contact him anymore. There is only so much you can do, and it will only stress you out/drain you emotionally to continue. Try to take on an attitude of indifference, neither angry/bitter nor too friendly (unless he steps up). Think of it this way: Why should you be the only one putting energy into HIS relationship with his daughter? He deserves no more energy from you, but your daughter does. Your baby will do just fine without him, as long as she has you.

Danielle - posted on 06/26/2010

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in reply to jules daniel.. i disagree... if u try and push them together... the child is only going to get hurt.. if her father walks in and out of her life.. if he hasnt seen her or contacted her mother by now...then obviously he doesnt want to... it works both ways but to me... i think that if they arnt there from the start and havnt contacted at all.. then obviously they arnt worthy enough to be in their life.. it takes 2 to tango and obviously he has left rashell high and dry and left wondering if he is ever going to come around... save urself the heartache rashell and save ur daughter getting hurt for now..and if he comes around later on then deal with it then.. but dont go pushing it apon him

Danielle - posted on 06/26/2010

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dont contact him... i hav a son riley jay and he is 18 mths old now..his father never wanted anything to do with him and has not called or seen him at all...

Helen - posted on 06/25/2010

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Neither. Don't contact him and don't wait for him. It's sad but you need to come to terms with his absence the sooner the better. I pushed for 3 months for my daughter's father to have contact before I got real. One day I decided not to bother and haven't heard from him since and you have no idea how glad I am now! Do yourself and your daughter a favour and keep such an emotionally distant person out of her life, genes really aren't worth it!

Constences - posted on 06/25/2010

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If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get. ~Frank A. Clark

Angelica - posted on 06/23/2010

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Let him make the move! If he really cared he would have already been there. Just be strong for your baby and love your baby to the fullist because you never know what the future holds. Dont let him bring you down. Do every thing that you can do for your baby and show him you can do it without him. Dont let him think you are dependant on him in any way because you want him to know you are a strong proud mommy that can do whatever it takes to take care of your beautiful child. He will be suprised when he sees you dont care about him like he want you to!!! Just focus on that heavenly smile and big gazing eyes from your small angel!!! Good luck!! :)

[deleted account]

I'd like to add to Candice's point about making every effort to contact the father. For Riley's sake I would try to make efforts to bring her and her father together, although no, you can't make him care, visit, make contact or anything along those lines.

I would also consider Riley's future in this. At some stage, she might want to find out about her father. How you handle that moment can be laid out at this point to a degree in my opinion.

Without talking to him you can't be exactly sure of his reasons for avoiding the birth and/or not visiting/contacting you since the big day. But by reaffirming that he is welcome to visit and/or make contact at any time then you are definitely leaving the door open.

Its too easy to look at the now and feel hurt and bewildered by his actions but there could be any number of reasons why he hasn't seen his daughter and yes, one of those reasons could be that he has no interest.

I would try to stay objective. Don't live your life waiting for something that might not happen but try to make sure that you don't exclude him from your daughter's life based on an assumption /:)

in short, my advice would be to contact him in a non-confrontational way and take it from there :) good luck and be strong!

Brittany - posted on 06/23/2010

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Girl i wouldnt worry about it my son is three months old and his dad came once to see him and after that never heard from him again. In my opinion its there lost nots ours.

Melissa - posted on 06/23/2010

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Congrats sweetie, your new baby daughter will be one of the most precious gifts in your life. I was in your same shoes almost 21 years ago with my son. I did the call thing, and in all reality all it did was hurt me more. I suggest you take your time and enjoy your little gift. At that time I did not go after him for child support, that was a BIG mistake, I thought "I dont need his money" when in all reality I did.

Three years later I finally did, and it was one of the best things I did.

So...... I say dont worry about what he is doing and what he is goin to do. Do the best thing for YOU and RILEY. And its not about the money, it is about the cost to be able to give her everything she needs, and take care of yourself too.

Good Luck and Best Wishes.

MP

Rebecca - posted on 06/23/2010

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Call him, be polite & extend the invitation. Maybe he doesn't actually know she was born. The longer you wait the more awkward it will be & it will be better for you in the long run to know where he stands. Maybe he is afraid to call or come by without an invitation. Some men are like that. and if he turns out to be a jerk about seeing her then you'll know & you can move forward for your sweet baby girl. Good luck & congratulations!

[deleted account]

I'm assuming you are not in a relationship with this young man anymore? The first thing to do is protect yourself legally and make sure you have family support. Yes, you should call him and invite him to see his child. You can then guage if he will take responsibility and plan accordingly. However, do not mention anything like that in the call. His response should give you enough to go on.

But keep in mind that words like, "I'll be there for you and her" means diddly. Raising a baby means money and I mean medical bills, day to day expenses like diapers, formula or breastfeeding supplies, day care, clothing, transportation, etc. Then later on it's school expenses, proms, you name it.

You need to step back and view things very rationally. Try not to let emotions get in the way if you can help it. You need to protect yourself and raise your child. Don't let yourself get caught up in man-drama, it is NOT worth it.

Kayla - posted on 06/21/2010

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Dont call him hes already showed you what he wants by his actions. He will be the one with regrets down the road. You cant make his decisions for him no matter how much you would like to or try. My daughters father has never seen her...and neither has he made an effort to do so...as hard is it is look at what his actions are tellin you. Love that beautiful baby girl you got, and when you need support or whatever dont be afriad to message me. We are both going through similiar situations. Good luck and thank him for that baby.

Tracey - posted on 06/18/2010

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First of all congrats! I have two children and 8 and an 11 yr old and the father knows exaclty where we are and as many times as my children have tried to be a part of his life for the past 8 yrs sometimes he absolutely refuses. It can be frustrating but the worst part is the heartache I see my children go through when he decides to come and go as he pleases. So that being said I decided he is not worth the sadness he causes my beautiful children and also that I am enough for them. They get all the love they need right here. We are better off without him honey. No more in and out and guess what no more tears to wipe away because of that lowlife. Good luck with what ever you do. I wish you nothing but pure happiness and a long and thriving life with your new baby>

Regina - posted on 06/18/2010

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I would not contact him at all. He knows you had the baby and if he cared he would be there for you. Just move on and it's hard to do that but realize that you have a gift from GOD and move forward. My kids father has been around since Nov. 2009 when my son was 5 weeks old. Keep your head up and love your baby with all your heart. She will know who is there for her and who was not. Being a mother (single mother) isn't easy but it's worth it!!!!

Klarissa - posted on 06/18/2010

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Rashell,

Congratulations on your wonderful little girl, if he decided that he wasn't going to come to the hospital or hasn't come to see her then it is most likely that he won't come to see her at all, I wouldn't wait until he calls you, at this point you have to do what is best for your daughter that is what matters most.

Shey - posted on 06/18/2010

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honestly just forget about him im in the same situation he tried comin around but it didnt work out just tell him to leave u n ur baby alone then if he doesnt wanna bother

Candice - posted on 06/18/2010

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saddest thing in the world for a new mom...wondering how the child's father could just not care. Unfortunately, you can't make him care. My advice has more to do with court than making the man care. I suggest you send a text or email (something you can document) saying he is free to contact you anytime he wants to see his child. i doubt it will make him see the child, but if you ever decide to get legal full custody, his lack of response will be on your side.

Tiffany - posted on 06/17/2010

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Congratulations! I wouldn't call him especially if he already knows that you had her. If he has your number and knows how to contact you then he should contact you, not the other way around. How is the relationship between you, not to be nosey, but if he cares and wants to be there he will make the effort to call, but if its the opposite then he won't. I wouldn't make the call just yet though, if you do decide to call. HTH!

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