Signing over paternal rights

Michelle - posted on 07/06/2009 ( 63 moms have responded )

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The father of my child has had nothing to do with my pregnancy and recently decided to state that he didn't think the child was even his. These recent accusations of me sleeping around came conveniently around the same time as his new girlfriend. He then proceeded to give his girlfriend my number and she said a few choice words to me and that upset me that he got her involved. I asked that he sign over all rights to the child and then he could get what he wants, no responsibility of the child. I will be contacting my lawyer tomorrow to get all the info I can but does anyone know anything about this? Has anyone gone through it before? All information is very much appreciated and needed!

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Michele - posted on 08/12/2012

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hey sarah i am also in kansas n my childs birth father wants to sign over his rights to get out of paying child support. do you know how i go about helping him to do so. my husband loves her and has raised her so im not worried about the support. i would just like her to have a stable non confusing life. any help or advice would be appreciated

Kristi - posted on 08/18/2012

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I just went through a custody battle with my first ex over my daughter. Things were not going well in my personal life, which is second in this situation. However, unbenounced to me he'd been psychological abusing her and trying to alienate her from me and her ties to her private school that she'd been going through since Kindergarden. He stopped helping me pay for it because I was awarded temporary physical custody.



For awhile he quit bothering us been then, in attempt to prove what an awesome dad he was for his next wife, I had to allow him visitation. In addition to what he was doing, his step kids coerced and bullied my then 8 year old into taking off her jeans and panties and to lie down. Another issue I didn't find out about for over a year. Meanwhile, he took her on visits when/if he felt like it. This entire time she is trying to please both of us but had begun to harbor resentment towards me. Yet again, I had no idea about this.



He divorced and remarried again, with more boys. Long story short with this new "family," she was forced by the oldest boy to take provacitive photos. By the grace of God my second husband found them during a routine check up on our kids accounts. I was mortified and very, very ashamed of myself for not knowing about any of this. I called her downstairs and she just lost it and spilled her guts about everything and I mean everything.



Needless to say I refused to let her go back there. Almost a year went by with little contact. When I decided we were going to move back to be near family he went ape shit and decided he was going to contest my request for full legal and physical custody, not only that, he was going to go for full custody as well.



Despite all the evidence against him, including my daughter's testimony and being caught in lies in court he was still awarded 51/49 visitation. I was awarded sole custody and he was ordered to pay support. I was also ordered to remain in NE.



Thankfully he never acted on the visitation (as I would NEVER let her go regardless of the court order). However, thought if he didn't see her, he didn't have to pay support. At this point, he asked to sign away his rights and i immediately said yes. The judge refused the request as he was not letting him off because he didnt want to pay support. He said if there was someone to adopt her and accept responsibility for her financially it wasnt going to happen. My second husband and I were about to get separated but he said he would be happy to adopt her anyways because he loves her and hated to see what we were going through. He also knew i would not screw him over by asking for child support from him when we would divorce. My family said that was not a good idea. So my dad said he would adopt her or sign an official court document declaring that he would take that responsibilty. The only way that was going to happen was for me to give up my rights and let my parents adopt her together. Talk about wanting to scream! Finally, I offered to sign off on his approx $4,000 back support and agree to the state's legal minimum of $50.00 a month. He took that deal. He doesn't even pay that measly amount.



She was miserable and stressed and an array of other feelings. I was right there in the boat with her.

Since he hadn't visited or otherwise contacted her in 3-4 months I figured we were safe to leave. Somehow he got wind of this and told me if he has to pay (which he wasn't anyway) then I had to stay. That was before he agreed to my settlement and so did the judge. We finally got out of there! It's been the best thing for us!



According to the judge, states are not just giving mothers all the power anymore. They are focusing on fathers rights and the "importance" of having both parents equally involved. If my douche bag ex can get that much visitation, it would seem that a custody battle could be anybody's game. This was in NE. I hope you have better luck! Prayers for you and your child.



Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to give you a clearer picture of what you could be in for. This took almost a year and ended up costing me about $10,000. But it has been worth every penny now that we are out of there and he can't even talk to her without my permission. I also agree with the moms who suggested you file first. My attorney said that looks better. Oh, honey, good luck!

Mellissha - posted on 07/21/2009

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Hi Michelle, I just wanted you to know that you are so not alone and outcomes vary depending on the people. My daughter is 12 now and I've had a very similar situation with her dad. I have fought for years and years until I finally realized that there was nothing that I could do. You can't force a man to be a father as we all know but I don't think it's fair to exclude him either. Now my girls father and I have never gone to court because I never wanted my children to have to go through all of that. You have to pray and keep God first. All the advice in the world is not going to give you the answers you are looking for. Pray for him as well and just do your part and don't worry about the rest. God is going to take care of your little one if you trust in him. Just concentrate on being the best mom you can be. I am a single mother of four and it is not by any means easy but it's easier because God is first in our home. If you trust in him he will provide in ways that you can't even imagine. I was just sitting and wondering how I was going to pay for school uniforms and supplies earlier today right. I can tell you that when ever I am in need I pray and he always comes through. I recieved money that I wasn't even expecting and no one did that but God. God Bless you and your little one!!!

Holley - posted on 07/12/2009

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Ok so I cant offer any advice about the court thing cause I havent gone through the courts with my sons father but I noticed that some moms have made comments about doing everything out of court if possible. And I can offer advice on that and I can offer advice to you about you wanting David to grow up and stop smoking weed and being immature. My sons father didnt want to grow up either and believe it took alot of time for him to see the light but he finally did and now he is a great dad. When I first had my son my sons father had a major drinking problem so I wouldnt dare let my son go anywhere with him he only saw his son if I was around of my son was at his parents house. Which I strongly agree you make the arrangements for if you decide to go to court for child support because you can always go back and change the papers if David grows up. For us moms we have to grow up even if we arent ready and sadly enough the dads dont if they dont want to but you always need to make sure that you have what is best for your son in the child support and custody papers. Chances are this relationship with his new girlfriend isnt going to last that long especially since she is already sticking her nose in places it doesnt belong and every girl knows that guys cant stand for girls to be bossy and controling so he is bound to get tired of her quickly. If you have his parents on your side then hopefully they will eventually be able to talk some since into him but he isnt going to take action with your son by force it is going to have to be when he is ready. It helps alot for them to actually see there son in the hospital and hold him or at least it helped my sons father see the light. The best advice I can give you is not an easy thing to do but honestly it helps....just help him to see that your son is amazing and the time that he could be spending with him is something he will never be able to get back. Remind him (when the girlfriend is not around and yall can actually talk) that missing his first steps or hearing his first child say "dada" for the first time is something that will never happen again. And your right about the paternity test if he doubts he is the father let him pay to have it proven to him. I hope this helped and just remember that being a single mom is hard but believe me us women can make it through anything especially with the help of family and it sounds like you have both sides of the family behind you.

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2009

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Well I've made a decision not to have him on the birth certificate. I honestly will be getting maybe $100 a month out of him if I tried for child support so I trust that I can do without that. I figure if he wants to pay $400 for a paternity test then he can do so and get the name on the birth certificate but I don't see him putting in that much money or effort. And Jennifer, I don't blame you to go beyond him and get the court to terminate his rights. I didn't even think about something happening to me and my son going to him because he's the father. I was concerned about him coming over and taking the child and since he is on the birth certificate, I can't do a damn thing about it. This has become too much of a mess that I didn't expect to deal with. I knew he'd just stay away, paying child support or not, but now with his new girlfriend, I'm afraid she'll convince him that if he pays child support, then he needs to have custody.

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Alexis - posted on 07/22/2014

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im 20 i just recently had my son almost 4 months ago and like you my sons father hasnt had ANY thing to do with my pregnancy or my son for that matter he to accused me of sleeping around conviently after he got his now wife pregnant while i was stuill 7months pregnant they just recently got married when my son was only a few days old he left me pregnant to be with her and i was 19 and pregnant with NO help from anyonee///she too has had some words to say he isnt on my son sons birth certificate nor does my son has his last name i would just like to know how to go about serving him with papers to sign ALL rights away.....

Foxtrotter - posted on 03/31/2014

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It can be scary facing such situation. As the biological father he has certain rights and responsibilities. For me it was a very stressful process and the most I've ever been scared for my child. We went through various hearings, him demanding custody because he did not want to pay child support. I just wanted my baby to be safe. I asked the judge to give him supervised visitation, which she granted. She also ordered him to pay child support. He faded from our lives soon after that. But all the uncertainty was just scary and very stressful.

Will your son be safe with him? If you feel that your son will be in danger in any way let the judge know. Also, if you can, is a good idea to consult with a family lawyer.

Gabriela - posted on 03/30/2014

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My son is 4 years old. His biological father after this long has never met him, and now he wants dna and visitation. He sees my current boyfriend (we have baby on the way,btw) as his only daddy. Will his biological dad have back pay on child support? Hes even trying to say hes heard mt boyfriend doesnt treat him right anor support him financially and he doess. Whats going to happen?? i know for sure i am looking into me having custody ONLY

Kyra - posted on 01/04/2014

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HELP!! Okay so my daugther will be 5 soon. Her dad has seen her once in his life. I have sole cusdity, He has no right but they tried to give him a dna test and he never showed. So finally they jist made him dad. He just now caught up on child support bcuz he had to or go sit in jail. He did not sign bc or anything. But is now trying to take me to court, my bf has been rasing her sence day 1. What will happen in court sence I have all rights. We live michigan and ca. He just sign of competly

Andreah - posted on 12/28/2013

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Hello. The father of my child is threatening to get married and give his parental rights to his wife. My son has special needs and would need special training to care for him. She has never seen him or been in his life. Can he do this?

Melanie - posted on 12/13/2013

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Hi my name is Melanie, and I have 2 children from a man that lived 2 entirely separate lives . I was wit him for 10 yrs and while he was abusive verbally n physically to my children and I... get this, he was involved with my daughters teacher the entire time he was with me. Of course, I had no knowledge of this but had my suspicious. Until after all was said and done she appeared in court with him to fight a custody battle for the kids. Im not mad at her b/c the same way i was a victim to lies and deception I feel she is too. I am grateful for her b/c I was able to get out. I am here to vent and not bash anyone but i will be honest of the things this man has put me through. He destroyed my credit, my self esteem n tarnished my reputation by defaming my character to people as well as social networks.
He constantly takes me to court n has a bogus alibi for wanting to be in his childrens life. He has visitations rights as per the courts and dont even come for his children nor does he pay child support. Im always in court pleading my case and I feel this situation has gone over the judges head. I need a lawyer that can represent my case but do not have the money for one. I work full time, I am a full time medical student and I raise 3 children on my own. I get by by saying this quote " where theres a will theres a way" and I keep a positive attitude in hopes to find light at the end of that tunnel. For all the single moms doing the best to their ability b/c lord knows its not easy. You Rock!

Sara - posted on 08/14/2009

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Michelle, I have looked into my ex signing over rights also. Here is what I've found. In the state of Ohio if dna proves that he is the father then he is obligated to provide finacial support. That gives him parental rights. Unless you are married then your husband can adopt the child. You may get an order stating that you won't get support and he won't be involved in the child's life, but it's something that either of you have the right to challenge and change at any time. So he may decide to sign that today, but tommorrow if he wants to see the child he can change that. It's not 100%.

If he is ordered to pay support he has the right for visitation. However, he does not have to be involved if he doesn't want to. That is where I am right now. He's ordered to pay the support, but when we went in for the visitation he waived his right. Since he did that in court, I do not have to let him see the child without it going back into court first.

Also if you ever need any kind of aid from the state...welfare, food stamps, money for education, ect. then you HAVE to cooperate with the child support enforcement agency or you could be denied benefits. Even if he's not on the birth certificate, if you file for aid you have to comply to get the help. That means establishing paternity. I have a friend who never put her child's father on the birth certificate and when she went to get help with school costs they made her go after the child's father for finacial support. Her kid was 14 years old by this time. So beware of this!

Another option is a mediator, but both parties have to be willing to meet with the mediator and coming to an agreement. This can keep you out of court, but both parents have to be willing to do this.

This is a battle I've been fighting for over 3 years. I wish you luck!!

Sara - posted on 08/13/2009

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Michelle I'm not sure about the laws in your state but here in Kansas if the father signs over his rights, you can't get child support. And if he relinquishes his rights, which he CAN'T do without someone else to adopt the child as a father, you and the state can't go after him for ANYTHING.

Samantha - posted on 08/12/2009

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Im not in ur situation and im sorry u are but on a legal note keep all the MSG he sends u. You may beable to use them in court to prove he is not fit to care for ur baby!! Sorry i couldnt be more help.



Good luck!!

Cinthia - posted on 08/12/2009

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Michelle, I went through this with my ex husband. His first wife wanted him to sign over his rights so her "life partner" could adopt his son. The lawyer said "NO WAY". That was not allowed in our state. Whether the father was involved or not. My ex wanted to be involved but his mother wouldn't allow it because he was remarried. The best advice I can give you is to petition for full physical and legal custody before he does. Like one of the other posters stated, the one initiating the case is the one believed to tell the truth. I would also petition for child support but don't get your hopes up. The non payment of child support does not go away it keeps building and building, when your child turns 18 he can legally sue his father for unpaid child support. I wouldn't have him attempt to sign over his rights. He will grow up one day and realize what he has done. I agree with scheduling visitation at your ex's dads house. You never know, he may hold that child and realize what a blessing he has in front of him. I do assure you that God is watching and will protect you and your child. As long as you do everything possible to ensure unconditional love and security for your child, you will prevail. I would petition him before he petitions you. You are more like to get your demands fullfilled this way. What ever you do. Keep the faith. God Bless!!!!

Tameka - posted on 08/07/2009

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THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN TRIED TO SO CALLED SIGN OVER HIS RIGHTS TO MY OLDEST WHEN HE WAS A FEW MONTHS OLD, TO AVOID PAYING SUPPORT. I WAS TOLD THAT THE LAW NO LONGER ALLOWS PARENTS TO SIGN OVER THEIR RIGHTS ANYMORE UNLESS THERE IS A SERIOUS ISSUE SUCH AS RAPE, OR THERE IS REASON FOR THE MOTHER TO BELIEVE SHE IS IN DANGER. IT WAS SUGGESTED THAT I GIVE HIM SOME VISITATION, AND THAT MOST GUYS DONT ADHERE TO THE VISITATION, BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO DESIRE TO SEE THE CHILD THEY JUST DONT WANT TO PAY SUPPORT. THIS WAS TRUE FOR ABOUT 18 MONTHS. AFTER WHICH HE REGRETTED WHAT HE HAD DONE. WE NOW HAVE ANOTHER CHILD ALSO. GOOD LUCK, BUT THIS WAS IN CALIFORNIA DIFFERENT STATES HAVE DIFFERENT LAWS WHEN IT COMES TO SIGNING OVER PARENTAL RIGHTS.

Rebecca - posted on 08/06/2009

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do not give your child the father's last name...so then if someday he decides that he wants to be there, he'll have to take a paternity test.... i didnt give my daughter her dad's last name, long story.

It was wrong that he got his new girlfriend involved, it's none of her business

Jeannette - posted on 07/23/2009

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I'm so sorry your going through theses hardships and when your pregnant at that. I can empathize with you though I've gone through similar situations with both of my children and their dad's. My daughter will be 9 in Dec. her dad and I were married before she was born and divorced shortly after. He was unfaithful to say the least...sad. We have gone round and round in court since my daughter was a year old. I was awarded custody orginally and he was given visitation. He hardly had the time for her between work and personal life though...mainly his "girlfriends". I tried to get him to sign over his rights and he wouldn't do it period. So eventually we were given joint custody/shared parenting. I still had the primary though. Things have changed a lot over the last 4 years and now she is with her dad. He has changed in some ways and re-married...who I thought was an awesome women. Not really the case...so were back in court again and I'm trying to get sole custody back and he's trying to terminate my rights. My son is another story and very different situation. I'll save that for another day though. My suggestion is speak to your attorney and remember the courts "favor the mom". Unless you can prove him unfit you probably won't get his rights terminated without consent. But if you have all your ducks in row you should have no problem getting primary custody. Best of luck to you...and you can e-mail me anytime if you need to talk...SierraPeyton00@hotmail.com

Jeannie - posted on 07/22/2009

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Ok, I've been there. It was about 15 yrs ago or so....my ex didn't pay child support, didn't visit, nothing......He shows up at my door after not seeing my daughter for 8 months, she was about 4. She barely remembered him, but he was allowed to take her for a few hours because his "divorce agreement" said so ! The next morning I was at a lawyers office. It went like this.....if he had not made contact for 30 days straight, I could petiton to terminate his rights......because of the night before, I had to wait another 30 days. I petitioned on the 30th day ! They sent him notice, he had 30 days to contest it, he didn't. So after 30 days, all legal rights he had towards her were gone. I even changed her last name to my maiden name, because she was starting school and I didn't want her "linked" to him. Of course I gave up all rights to child support by doing this, but it didn't matter. Good luck ! Any questions you have, I'll be glad to answer !

Amy - posted on 07/21/2009

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Hi Michelle....I went through something like this myself...My daughter's Dad decided that after she was 21 mths old that he wanted nothing to do with her anymore and ask me if he could sign over his rights.. I went and done this I had the papers wrote up and he signed over all of His rights to her. He has not supported me any she still carries his name and that is one thing that I regret is not changing her name when he signed over the rights. My daughter is now 12 years old and she knows her Dad but rather not I have never been one to say anything bad about her dad in front of her, but he has proved his actions in her life to be a no fit Dad and she has told me many times that she doesnt even claim him as her Dad she said I have a Heavenly Father that will take care of me. I went to the lawyers office and they wrote the papers up for me he (my daughter's dad) had to meet me at the lawyers office the Lawyer preceded to tell him that he had to advise him not to sign these papers because when he did he would no longer be the father to this child just as a man if he was another man walking down the street he had no concern he just said tell me where to sign. I have no regrets in doing this at all. It has been a long hard battle of raising her by myself but the Lord has helped me each step along the way. May the Lord direct each step that you take...

Julia - posted on 07/21/2009

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I am a single mother of 3 kids, but my one daughter's dad is the one I have had trouble with. Me and him were married for over a year and he was abusive and not the life we needed so we left. He refuses to pay child support unles they threaten to send him to jail. He is 25 and has 5 kids from 5 different women and working on another one, and is still married to the last wife but living with new gf. My daughter does not really spend time with him, she goes up there every other weekend but stays at his mom and dads and they dont spend much time with her either. We have been to court for child support every month for 6 months and he owes over $4,500.00. I have asked him to sign off of her and let me raise her with my new boyfriend and I would make they back child support go away. His family swears a lot and lives a life of sin and not up to my standards so I want her with me all the time. She dont need to hear the F word every 2 words out of their mouths. Id o want her to know her daddy and thats important. I think we should all give our kids the chance to know their fathers/ mothers unless they would be put into harms way. My daughter is 7 and tells me things that she dont like about up there and them, so I let her make the choice. I would just say to ask God for guidance and the power to make the right choice, and strength to overcome this battle. Remember this is something you will always have to live with, and you dont want you kids to comeback to you years from now wanting to knwo why you kept them away from their daddies. I know a friend that had that happen and it hurt her relationship with her son. I pray for all of you that you make the right decisions and have healthy lives with your babies.

Kirsten - posted on 07/20/2009

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I am going through the exact same thing. Sort of. When I was 20 weeks pregnant, the father left me. We are both young. 20 years old. I think he is scared, and wants to still be a teenager. He has a new young girlfriend. And he parties all the time, he drinks, rides in the mudd, goes to parties at the river, does everything a young person would want to do. Leaving me to go through this pregnancy alone. He hasn't been to any of my doctors appointments. He didn't even come to the ultrasound to find out what the baby is. I have cried non stop over this. And it's time I have to stop. He used me the whole time we were dating, and I know I deserve so much better! I have made the decision to not name him on the birth certificate and my son is going to have my last name as well. I am just so scared that he is going to step in and fight for his rights, and then when he gets his visitation that he's not even going to take care of the baby. He will have his mom pay his child support for him & let her keep the baby while he parties on the weekend when he is suppose to be visiting his child. All of this is simply unfair. But I know single women can be strong, and we can't help the "boys" fooled us when they wanted to sleep with us. It takes a boy to be a father, but it takes a real man to be a DADDY! Good luck to everyone going through a rough time. & wish me luck.

Sarah - posted on 07/20/2009

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I have been through this! the only way you can have him sign over his rights is if you both agree that is what to want to do. if she doesnt want to then you are SOL. they dont like to let single parents to this but i have heard of them doing it before! Also know that when it is time to sign the paurtinity papers it means that he has just as much right to that baby as you so if he takes the baby then there not much you can do about it. however if he does not sign the papers and you go after him for childsupport then its a whole another story! and you have the rights to that baby! make sure you have a lot of questions for the lawyer there is a lot of telephone played with this stuff ive been realizing!

Masozi - posted on 07/20/2009

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wow! feel better knowing i am not the only one facing this heartache.the most important thing is what is best for your child. if you feel that he poses even the slightest danger to your child then cut him out.you cant force a man to be a father, just like you cant force someone to be a mother. when your child is old enough, he/she will reestablish a relationship with his parent.My daughter is 10 now; i received no child support and used to pay for her to visit her fathers' side of the family every year< live in different parts of the country> my daughter would always come back upset coz he made promises to her he kept breaking. and he favoured his other children, and 'Mommy Daddy said that you are a dog....and so forth. in the end i stopped her going. i know if he or any of his relatives really want to maintain a relationship with her they will make the effort! you cant force love, nor can you stand in the way.

Erian - posted on 07/18/2009

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Just a warning about the child support issue... My husband has not received child support for his daughter in 3 years and her bio-mother keeps having babies and they won't even put her in contempt of court for non-payment. Since child support was established last year, i have not seen a dime from my daughter's bio-father. Just don't get your hopes up on the child support issue because even if they award you child support it is no guarantee you will get it and the small amount they could award you is not worth the hassles of dealing with the sperm/egg donors!!

Erian - posted on 07/18/2009

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If you and the father of your child are not married at the time of the child's birth then he has really no rights at all. If you do not sign a recognition of parentage, his name will not be on the birth certificate. Unless you want to fight for child support he would have to take you to court to prove he was the father and then to court to try to get visitation time. From the way it sounds, he wouldn't have much of a chance to get any visitation even after he established paternity because if he is anything like my daughter's bio-father he will wait until he or she is a toddler before he wants to be involved and no judge in there right mind would just give someone custody of a young child when they don't even know them. I hope this was of some help to you. My husband and I have been through similar situations with our daughters.
Its to sad when fathers or mothers don't want be a part of their child's life. My husband has full custody of his 4 year old daughter. He fought to have his name put on the birth certificate after her bio-mother left her three kids, two of which were not my husband's, and went out partying for weeks then months... My 4 year old step-daughter was 6 months old at the time. She has not seen her bio-mother in 3 and a half years. I have a two and a half year old daughter and her bio-father hasn't made any effort to be in her life since before she was born. My husband has been there for my 2 and a half year old since she was born and she knows him as Daddy. No matter what happens to the bio-parents of a child there will always be someone out there to love them and to enjoy the simple things like snuggling and holding hands for walks with them.

Melody - posted on 07/17/2009

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I have been reading through all of the posting in reply to your request for recommendations, and have experienced the same emtional pain and anguish is most of the ladies on here... My daughter is 6 and although her dad is not that interested in spending regular time with her, he is there on special occasions and she is very proud of him.



We knew eachother from primary school days but were never in a relationship and had a brief fling. When I told him I was pregnant I suddenly couldn't get hold of him for months to try and talk about 'where to from here'. I felt rejected, abandoned, and used. I was so angry with him... but I grew up not knowing my dad, and I KNEW that I did not want my child growing up without some sort of paternal identity.



We had txt msg wars, and the more I wanted him to accept responsibility the more he backed away. He also said he wanted a paternity test - which made me furious, but I thought that if that's what he wants he must pay and I'll oblige. His name was not put on the birth certificate and she took my surname... however, as she grew older and he spent time with her, he asked that she take on his surname. I have had her name amended to include his surname as a middle name - paternal identity, sense of belonging, her choice to use it or not when she is an adult.



The issue that I have always tried to keep in mind, is not the arguments we have about his inconsistent visits and disrespect for 'my time' when he does have her, or all the other many little irriatations that creep in to any sort of relationship (friendship, work colleague, lover etc), but that I will never allow my FEELINGS to get in the way of something potentially beautiful between my daughter and someone special in her life.



He is a heavy drinker and can be very irresponsible, and so visits are when he wants them - which drive me crazy; but because he is in my daughter's life, it also means that she has a granny, grampa, aunty and uncle too. They adore her and she spends at least one day a week visiting them.



If I had excluded him from her life she would not have the love from all those extra people.



It is so hard to put your differences aside and think of what may be best for your child - in the future. I strongly agree with the thinking that Sharon Keane from Ireland posted. Focus on your child. Try not to deny your child something that perhaps your x can't offer now, but may decide is important to him later on.



I wish you everything of the best in this incedibly difficult and emotional time.

Heather - posted on 07/15/2009

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Just wanted to tell you my story. My daughter is 4 1/2 yrs old. Her sperm donor has never seen her. They can not find him to serve him papers for child support. Sometimes its better off not to get child support from the sperm donor. Hope things work out differently for you but you can raise the baby on your own for now until you find that special someone. Good luck

Davitta - posted on 07/14/2009

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my 16 monts old son has never seen/met his dad. I actually haven't even seen him in almost 2 years *we've known eachother for 28 years* You can hope and wish that the dad will grow up.. and you can accept his texts and text him back and be upset with the whole new girlfriend thing, but the reality of it all is this- your baby is growing up. You need to invest this energy in THEM! You can wish and hope all you want BUT you can't wish someone into doing anything. My son's dad was the best with kids... when I broke it off *and found out I was pregnant a few hours later* I thought "at lest he'll be a GReAT DAD".. and like I said.. I've know him for 28 years (his family and my family have been spending holidays and vacations together.. TRUST ME.. I thought I knew him!!) BUT reality is... he's not! "maybe one day" and then you have the "maybe not"... just figure out what you want with your life and don't make any plans that include him.

It is up to you right now. Figure out the pros and cons. He has until the child is 18 to file for paternity unless somone else adopts him. Is he a loser and NEVER going to pay any support anyways? In AZ, even if he is a child molestor HE HAS RIGHTS once he proves paternity. It might be supervised visitation.. but he has "parenting time". CRAPPY, I know.. but true. There are lots of things he will have, including the right to control you (ex: if you want to move out of state or more than 100 miles away, he could take you to court and not allow it!)

You can always go to court later.. and file for tests and support.. but you can't go back and undo it! Chances are... IF he doesn't ever come around (say 5+ yrs) and you need his support.... the court would give you sole custody and he PROBABLY wouldn't want any parenting time either!!

FILE an order of protection for yourself. KEEP him from texting you! I was in this same situation.. and the text drove me crazy.. kept me always second guessing my actions. GET him out of your thoughts and life.. move one... give him what his actions are showing he wants (nothing to do with his child.. maybe he'll hit rock bottom and do better and become a good dad.. mabye he wont'.. but either way, you'll be enjoying your child and MOVING ON!!!)

best of luck! TO ALL OF US going through this crap!

Arrynne - posted on 07/14/2009

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if he signs over his parental rights then you cannot go after him for child support because he is no longer seen as a parent in the eyes of the court

Sarah - posted on 07/14/2009

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It depends on the state in which you live in. My situation is very similar. My daughters father told me that he didn't want to be a part of our daughters life and wanted to sign away his rights. However in Minnesota you can not legally do that unless you have another person who is willing to adopt and take responsibility for your child. The state sees it as every child deserves and is entitled to the support of two parents. Her father decided that he wanted a paternity test, and basically that is the only thing he has shown up for or done for his daughter in 16 months. He has never even seen her. Anyways, we went through the county to have paternity testing done, because it was much more reasonable. I believe it was around 60.00 but if we had gone to a center it would have been around 500-600. After he came back as the father they did everything as far as starting child support proceedings. They set everything up and they were able to talk to him, when he wouldn't answer my calls. He did not show up for court, so basically it was a default judgment in my favor. My daughter was born in March of 08 and we didn't go to court until september of 08. They counted from April of 08 until september of 08 as back child support and they awarded me a judgment against him in the past due amount. Because of this whenever he get's a refund on his tax money it goes to me, because of the judgment. Also they set everything up as far as withholding the support from his income. I was awarded sole legal and physical custody and if he wants to see his daughter legally he has to bring a motion before the court asking for visitation rights.



My advice is do not terminate his legal obligations or rights to your child because you are giving away your childs right for support from him. Like I said before I doubt they would allow you to do this. Also you really do not need to waste your money on an attorney. The county comes in and handles everything and even though they state they do not represent you, which they don't, their interests are pretty much the same as your own.



As far as him having a new girlfriend I imagine that has to be tough, I am lucky I have not heard from or seen my daughters father since the day I told him I was pregnant. Try and keep a journal or a record of any and all messages he or she send you, as they can be used in court as well if he ever does come back and try and assert his rights. Remember if he does get visitation who ever is in his life will be in your child's life also.



Good luck and I hope some of this might have helped. Feel free to message me if you have any questions.

Gina - posted on 07/14/2009

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Is he lissted as the father on the birth certificate? My daughter is 14 and wanted to be adopted by her step father. I called the court house and ask for the family section, they can tell u exactly what u need to do depending on the situation. You can ask him to sign the paperwork but it has to be done in front of a notary I know that this is the easiest way. If not take him to court u can at least get child support. Our courthouse also has a lawyer of the day u can go see to get all your questions answered. If he does not think he is the father and does not want to be responsible make him pay for the paternity test. I hope it helped. My situation was a little different but I think the steps are still the same. Hopefully u have a good support system. I don't know u but will listen.

Becca - posted on 07/13/2009

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I just recently got married (so I'm not a single mom anymore). However, I did not marry either of my kids' dads. The birth certificate does not have either of my kids' fathers listed on it and they both have my maiden name. I am trying to have my husband adopt them now and I have been told that all I have to do is get an attorney who will put something in the paper about it. They will have so many days to respond to it and then if they don't, they legally give up their rights. Of course, my children are 3 and 6.

Cassandra - posted on 07/12/2009

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I have been through that and maybe more.....He denied my daughter since the day I found out I was pregnant (her father) anyways I have a restraining order on him now....about the paternal rights being signed over, all I know is that they dont do that in the state of california but I dont know where you live so maybe they would there?

Lorelei - posted on 07/12/2009

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Usually depends on what county you live in. In Williamson county they will not let him sign his parental rights to my daughters because he father the babies and he should be responsible to them. I wouldn't do it. I would do the DNA test and prove that it is his and get the child support because if you do let him sign the parental right, you will not get any support from him at all. Because he has signed that he is not going to be the father of your child and he has no responsibility to this child. So think about it before you do it. Or otherwise have you done it?

KIM - posted on 07/11/2009

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what I would do is take him to court and ask for sole custody...sole custody only means that he has no say so in what ever decisions you make for your child...and if he chooses not to see your baby then that's on him!...regardless if he chooses to stay in the babies life is on him...but, he'll still have to pay child support!!!!

Christina - posted on 07/11/2009

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Guys do this all the time, fortunately neither of my kids fathers have done that to me - my brother however is another story. All I know is that if he signs the birth certificate and pays ANY child support he has paternal rights from there on out (even if it turns out not to be his). Which can be scary if he ever tries to take custody years down the road; which I have seen multiple fathers do! However, if a paternity test is done and he IS the father, he will be forced to pay child support. Keep in mind, the minimum amount is $50 a month if he has no income. That is hardly worth the effort to keep him in your life (or the babies) if all he's doing is harassing you anyway. I give you the same advice I give anyone I know... if you can make it on your own [or even think you might be able to] leave him out of the picture. My sons father married the next woman he got pregnant and then tried to take my son away because now he had 2 incomes, a new house and more kids on the way. If he hadn't been a complete moron and tried to scare me with his [defense] lawyer not a family lawyer, he may have won. FYI, whoever FILES a suit is assumed to be telling truth. I hate to say it, but if he's being nasty (such as the gf calling), cover your a#s and get your paperwork lined up. If you try for any state help you HAVE to have a paternity test done because they won't help until there is a court order for child support. Good luck...

Sharon - posted on 07/11/2009

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You could try emailing him again saying that it is not about money or about you and him, make sure he knows that it just about him and the baby. Tell him you want baby to have a relationship with him but that you want it to be something real and that you expect it to be quality time. Maybe starting small, if baby's grandad is trustworthy maybe you could arrange for visits to take place at his house rather than your ex's. When he meets his baby hopefully he would fall in love enough to grow up enough to sort out his house etc, if he wanted home visits and sleepovers etc he'd have to. As far as girlfriends are concerned maybe you could leave it as wait and see for now she doesn't see baby until they can prove a) that they are working with you and b) that she is a important part of his life long term etc. But make it clear that for that to happen you need to be sure that she realises that you have no romantic interest in david and never will, that is probably her problem with you she probably is insecure in the start of new relationship and knows that ye will always have this powerful bond together, she might even think you are trying to get him back. Having visits in his dad's house (if you trust him to do that) might convince her that you are only looking out for your child in time to come when things settle down and feelings calm and she is more secure in her relationship with him and you are more sure about his real intentions towrds baby then perhaps ye can meet and try to get to know each other. If she is not insecure and just a nasty piece of work chances are she'll not last long with him or won't want the work of someone else's baby. Nasty texts must stop though for any of that to be possible. Good luck with it all and don't be disheartened the most volatile of relationships can eventually settle and many exes can end up being wonderful friends who work together as a great team for their kids, I know that for a fact, my parents are split up years and we are all grown up and they still get together when it's about us and are firm friends, it took years but they tried to never let their issues affect their parenting. so there is hope! I hope he has the good sense to decide from his own heart and not be influenced by other people. I hope it works out for the best whether thats you and him doing it as a team or you doing it by yourself, you're doing all the right things so far anyway thinking of baby first and looking for help when you need it thats all baby needs to be happy.

Jennifer - posted on 07/11/2009

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I have totally been through this with my ex. I have gone through the state to file for child support and they can't find him, how convenient for him! I don't know what the law is where you live, but from what the state of Texas told me, if he's not on the birth certificate he has no rights to your child. I was wanting to have his name on the birth certificate for my own reasons, but I'm considering just dropping the whole thing. He doesn't want anything to do with her and I really don't want her being around him and the different girlfriend he has every month. I hope you are able to work this out. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here for ya!

Rebecca - posted on 07/11/2009

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u can also look into a local library and what ever state u live in it will tell u what the rights to u and the father and the child are i did this after my divorce for there dad only wanted them every other holiday and every other weekend and 3 weeks in the summer not a whle lot of time with his kid but he pays like 115.00 every week for child support for his 3 kids...fathers have rights too a judge will tell u that. but know what ur rights are and u are sure to do well for ur child... good luck and god bless u!

Bobbie - posted on 07/11/2009

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i will tell you this i live in ohio and i did put the fathers name on the birth certificate but i was told by a lawyer unless there is a dna test done proving him the father he has no legal rights to the child. all men accuse us of sleeping around but they know whe don;t it is usually them doing it. but hang in there and i do know that to have him sign his rights away he has to be giving his rights to another male figure usually your boyfriend or husband. my ex has had many numerous females in the picture and i won;t let any of them have anything to do with my kids because they are coming and going not staying for the long haul and i am thier mother.

Michelle - posted on 07/11/2009

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Quoting sharon: 

If there is a possibility of a good quality relationship with the father than definitely try to work it out but if your child is going to be let down at every turn and rejected later on when the novelty of winning the fight with you wears off then you need to protect your child's self esteem and rights to love safety and security. Try talking to exbf without the girlfriend present and work out if he has any genuine interest in the child.


 



He honestly would be such a great dad. My niece loves him and hasn't even seen him since Sept when my dad died and she still asks about him. She'll randomly just say, "You friend David, Shell? Where you friend David?" It's so sad that I have to explain to my 3 yr old neice who adores him that he doesn't come around anymore. I don't want to have to explain it to my son. David isn't ready to be a dad. he smokes weed constantly, although he says he's cut back and even stopped. I don't believe it. He tells me too many lies and I just can't believe that he's stopped smoking weed. No, smoking weed doesn't make you a bad parent, as the lawyers have told me, but I don't want my son around it. I want David to be involved. I want him so desperately to grow up and mature and realize what great things can come from this baby. I honestly know he'd be such an amazing dad, and I've told him that. He just has to mature and see it for himself. And if he ever does, I will most definitely allow him to see the child. But until then, I don't want his girlfriend to convince him that he needs to have the baby every other weekend and what not. I don't trust him with a baby and his house is beyond belief disgusting. And, immature of me I know, I don't want his girlfriend near my son! Mostly out of immaturity but also, if he wants time with his son, then that's time with just him and his son. No girlfriends. I e-mailed him letting him know that I wouldn't be having him on the birth certificate but he of course didn't respond. I just want him to fight me on seeing his child. I want him to stand up for himself and fight for his rights. But he blows it off and ignores me. Proving that he isn't responsible enough to have this child in his life yet.

Michelle - posted on 07/11/2009

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Quoting sharon: 

If there is a possibility of a good quality relationship with the father than definitely try to work it out but if your child is going to be let down at every turn and rejected later on when the novelty of winning the fight with you wears off then you need to protect your child's self esteem and rights to love safety and security. Try talking to exbf without the girlfriend present and work out if he has any genuine interest in the child.


 



He honestly would be such a great dad. My niece loves him and hasn't even seen him since Sept when my dad died and she still asks about him. She'll randomly just say, "You friend David, Shell? Where you friend David?" It's so sad that I have to explain to my 3 yr old neice who adores him that he doesn't come around anymore. I don't want to have to explain it to my son. David isn't ready to be a dad. he smokes weed constantly, although he says he's cut back and even stopped. I don't believe it. He tells me too many lies and I just can't believe that he's stopped smoking weed. No, smoking weed doesn't make you a bad parent, as the lawyers have told me, but I don't want my son around it. I want David to be involved. I want him so desperately to grow up and mature and realize what great things can come from this baby. I honestly know he'd be such an amazing dad, and I've told him that. He just has to mature and see it for himself. And if he ever does, I will most definitely allow him to see the child. But until then, I don't want his girlfriend to convince him that he needs to have the baby every other weekend and what not. I don't trust him with a baby and his house is beyond belief disgusting. And, immature of me I know, I don't want his girlfriend near my son! Mostly out of immaturity but also, if he wants time with his son, then that's time with just him and his son. No girlfriends. I e-mailed him letting him know that I wouldn't be having him on the birth certificate but he of course didn't respond. I just want him to fight me on seeing his child. I want him to stand up for himself and fight for his rights. But he blows it off and ignores me. Proving that he isn't responsible enough to have this child in his life yet.

Sharon - posted on 07/11/2009

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Children have a right to a relationship with both parents but money in the bank now and then or being forced by courts to spend time with a child is not a relationship the childs right to feel safe loved and secure in their relationships and home life in my opinion overides any other. If there is a possibility of a good quality relationship with the father than definitely try to work it out but if your child is going to be let down at every turn and rejected later on when the novelty of winning the fight with you wears off then you need to protect your child's self esteem and rights to love safety and security. Try talking to exbf without the girlfriend present and work out if he has any genuine interest in the child.

Lisa - posted on 07/10/2009

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That interesting that a parent can 'sign over rights' to a child. Here in Australia the parents don't have rights, they have obligations and responsibilities towards their children. It is the children who have the right to know both parents, spend time with both parents etc etc. I don't particularly like the father of my child, I've done it on my since I found out I was pregnant 4 wks after we broke up, but I'm sure glad my son has had the opportunity to know and spend significant time with his dad. I did the whole court battle thing and I'm also nearly finished my law degree and don't recommend going thru the courtprocess as its emotionally and financially draining. Only the lawyers win. If you can come to some out of court agreement that is in the 'best interests of the child' then its the child who wins. Lets face it, its not about us, its about our babies. Good luck.

Ashley - posted on 07/10/2009

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I am going through the same stuff and i recently talked to a lawyer in Michigan and he said that the only way to have someone sign off the rights of a child is if someone else is adopting the child!

Lisa - posted on 07/10/2009

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I would agree with the idea of "no name, no support and no problems" You seem to be fairly young and I imagine dont have a lot of money or time to deal with the legal system anyway.....If he is treating you this way NOW (sharing you business with a girl with poor manners) I imagine that he does not really care how you feel nor will he really care about any child as a person (but maybe as a piece of property) Look up Pres Obamas speech on Fathers in Parade Magazine on Fathers day and send him the quote about what being a FATHER means (not a sperm donor) . Then WALK away do NOT communicate with him/his GF or HIS FATHER!! get away from them, they are all "playing you" . If you have family, go with them, save up money, finish your education and grow up... You are/will be a mom and your kid comes first.

Laura - posted on 07/10/2009

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Michelle,

I was in the same position as you are. To make a long story short, the "father" of my child took me to court so that he could feel better morally. He pays $772 in child support and has visitation rights, but I got sole custody. I would give ANYTHING to go back in time and say I had no idea who the father was because my life has been HELL ever since. I have had to file for a restraining order and get the state to press simple assault charges against him. Swallow your pride, say you don't know who the father is! You know the truth and that's all that matters!!

[deleted account]

if you dont put his name on the birth certificate he has no rights. just claim you dont know who the father is, or that he wants nothing to do with your baby, and dont right his name on ANYTHING. if he decides later that he wants to be involved then make him payh for the court cost to her rights. the only draw back with that is that you wont get any child support money from him. if you want to make him pay thats a different story. Good Luck in what you decide. and Congrats on the baby :D

Sharon - posted on 07/09/2009

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I'm an irish single mom and I am very lucky that in Ireland unless you are married to him the father has no legal rights to the chlld unless the mum makes them a guardian. Hard on genuine fathers but good for us doin it alone. My daughter was conceived after a very brief fling, we were not in a relationship. When I discovered my pregnancy I told the dad that he could get as involved or uninvolved as he wished. He chose not to and we decided that there was no point us keeping in touch. I had no desire to accept any money from him. I am of the belief that he was simply a nice man who gave me the chance to have a baby that i was meant to have. I thank god I met him everyday. In Ireland there are quite good social welfare payments for lone parents which makes it possible to have a reasonable standard of living. I tell my daughter age four that she doesn't have a dad, that all families are different and that lots of kids have parents who live together or apart or who only have one parent just like some families have one child or lots etc. I have told her that a man helped me to have her and eventually I will tell her that he was a biological sperm donor when she is old enough to understand that.. He did me a favour rather than rejected her is my belief. So far that works for me but of course i worry about it at times too. My daughter accepts that and sometimes wishes she has a dad but to be honest she wishes she had a trampoline more!! She knows she is loved and adored. A half assed attempt at parenthood like paying a few dollars into a bank account or looking for visitation to get your money's worth would be a millionn times worse than accepting that you have just one wonderful parent. So what I'm trying to say in a long and winding way! is that I'm sorry that it is more difficult there and if you think he is not interested then cut him out as fully as you can so your child won't feel he has a dad who doesn't love him just has no dad.. I think you should not put his name on the birth cert and don't ask for child support, if he later decides he wants to be involved your case in court will be stronger... if he is paying child support regularly and is on the birth certificate he has an argument that he has cared all along. If he is truly interested in knowing his child he will work to prove that he is. See if you can assign custody rights in the event of your death to someone you trust in the form of a will... so that he will have to go through the courts and fight someone who has a long established relationship with the child and fight the wishes of the child's mother both strong arguments for any judge. The most important thing is to know your rights and his and good luck. There are lots of advantages to doing it alone that no one ever mentions...so keep your spirit up its a wonderful adventure, enjoy it and don't let them take a minute of it away from you x

Nichole - posted on 07/09/2009

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I've done alot of research on this topic. I'm not sure what state you live in, but in Iowa I know that there is no law covering unwed mothers. Meaning that by having a child out of wedlock, either parent can assume custody of the child. So without going to court and setting up visitation/custody, my father's dad's could go to his daycare and pick him up without a fight cuz Iowa doesn't have laws protecting me. Your child's father could still petition for DNA and take you to court. Chances of him getting custody are slim to none being he hasn't tried to take part. I already knew all that info about terminating parental rights. So, your kind of in a screwed situation, I know it sucks, I have two children with two different guys and was never married. My oldest's father is in his life. We went to court when I panicked that he could walk off with my child and there was nothing I could do about it. My youngest child's father wants it to be convienant. He doesn't come around much at all but pays his child support so I can't complain! Good luck! I know what you are going through

Jennifer - posted on 07/08/2009

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Hello, I am going through a very similar situation. Olivia’s father has had nothing to do with the pregnancy nor has he even seen her. Olivia just turned one. I have tried over and over again to have him sign over his parental rights. Every time this subject is discussed with him he goes into a feel sorry me mode. He does not want to give up his parental rights but on the other hand he does not want to pay child support or try to be in her life. Because of this I would rather not have him around. I contacted lawyer after lawyer to get some sort of advice. Very one just seems to be a dead end and I was told there is really nothing I can do but to take him to court for child support. I just recently I found a family attorney that gave me some good news. He informed me that there is a very thin line when asking the court to relinquish parental rights. In my case her father has not met her or even asked how she was doing. The attorny said that we could go beyond him if he refuses to sign the affidavit and have the court terminate his rights. I know this may sounds very curl of me but I can’t force him to be a father but I can protect my child’s safety in case if something where to happen to me.

Stacy - posted on 07/08/2009

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Michelle - I totally understand how you fee, the anxiety you are feeling when thinking about 'the new gf pushing him', etc.. However, if you don't put his name on the birth certificate, who's to say the new gf won't try to convince HIM to challenge YOU for custody at a later time? It's a very hard decision, one I do not envy yuo for. Whatever you choose, let it be in the best interest of your son. I am at least glad to hear that the old bf's father is on your side.

Candice - posted on 07/08/2009

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keep in mind that if you don't push for paternity, he may never get custody, but he will also never pay support.

Jennifer - posted on 07/07/2009

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dont worry about what anyone thinks of you. Just worry about what is best for your child. Like i said earlier i am in the exact same position as you and i can not even imagine leaving my son in his fathers care for 5 minutes. I truely feel that my ex will be a terrible father and the only way he would even try is if some chick wanted to be mommy to an already made child. In my case i am not putting his name on the birth certificate....and if things changed you could always go back and change your childs name. You just need to decide what is best for you and your child and not worry about the ex or anyone else. Plus i find talking to a therapist about it also helps...lol

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