Single mom with her boyfriend in jail

Leanna - posted on 01/31/2010

Thanks for all the advice and encouragement and words of warning. Y'all are right, I have come to learn I have a very loving heart, but being raised partly by my mom, I have her wisdom and judgement. I haven't bailed my boyfriend out, and I don't plan to. I'm a strong believer in karma and paying for your actions. It's tough love on my part to leave him sitting there, but it's his own fault he's in there, so as much as it breaks my heart, I don't feel bad about it.
He honestly has been trying to get out of that lifestyle for a while. He was Army Reserves, switching to Army National Guard when this happened. His friends are horrible influences and he was stuck here between his Basic and AIT because of problems with his diploma. It is his fault that he can't say no or disagree with his friends, but he grew up with them and the things they still do, he used to be a major part of. I'm not going to make excuses for him, I'm just explaining him a little more.
I've already told him that I'm going my own way, on my own path and that if he wants to be apart of my life, he'll have to make sure he stays in it. I can only help so much before I start straying from my path. I've made it very clear to him what's going on and I'm confident enough in myself to know that I wont let myself stray.

Jennifer - posted on 01/31/2010

You have been gifted with a very caring and giving heart.. and the right man .. RIGHT MAN who respects that in you and does not try to rip that from you or take advantage of that will be blessed. You said this guy is in jail? I really hope you do not think that it is so caring of you to bail him out? Right? You can honor him in other ways while he still serves his time.. like by being faithful (which you do!! :) and maybe write a nice letter or maybe pray for him or whatever.. sometimes when we care about others we think that its our responsibility to do things for them all the time.. if you do that too much to the wrong person then guess what happens to your caring heart (which is a good thing and needs to be guarded and regarded as a treasure)? It gets broken and trampled and though you may feel that you can take it.. somewhere down the road if it happens to much then that good heart that the world needs more of may be tempted to harden and I do not want you to go into that.. you have EVERY reason to be cautious with your heart.. look at all you have been through? Its good that you are still willing to let someone else into your life.. but I would be more cautious..and careful with your heart as not only are YOU connected to it, so is your child. :) He may be a great guy and all.. but take it slow and my ex was really good with my son, but had alot of maturity issues that hurt the relationship between the both of us.. you matter and how you are cared for will directly affect (and indirectly) your child.. its not selfish to love yourself.. its selfish to not think of yourself and get yourself the love (not men) you need in your heart.... if this guy is really the right one in the end.. he will come around and the warning flag is waving now to help keep you safe and that is not fear.. its wisdom.. we need all the good caring people in this world we can get.. and there used to be more, but the uncaring ones took so much from them that they became as they.. DON'T become the latter.. The world needs your heart for others that are really needing it and that would be your child.. it seems like our children are SO lacking without fathers and yet how silly we can be to just fill the void with a good looking face with smooth words and somewhat appealing approaches.. has this guy really dealt with some of his issues..and it sounds like you have had some bad ones in the past.. Only God can really fill our voids.. and the rest flows from there.. I encourage you to take it slow and let him do his time and spend your time on that baby and you and sit back and let his character reveal itself!! Just some words from a girl that gave all her "pearls to a pig" and got trampled and praise God He helped me.. but boundaries and healing are a good thing!!

Erin - posted on 01/29/2010

I think the more important thing is what will be best for you and your son?

My husband is in prison right now, has been there for 2 years and still has 3 1/2 years to go. I am taking the time that he is away to look over our relationship and determine which is better for our daughter... a father in and out of prison or none at all. I have to tell you though as times goes by and I am able to seperate my emotions from the decision, I am becoming more and more aware that the best thing for my daughter would be to walk away.

I do understand your feeling of wanting to help your boyfriend. There are times when I feel that if I could just save my husband, or make decisions for him it would all be alright. However we are each made as individuals and I do not have the energy or ability to turn my husbands life around for him. He served 5 years in prison before I met him and swore that most of the charges were just "misunderstandings" just as you boyfriend claimed. He also proclaimed that he would never go back to prison because of what a great family he had now- he had so much to lose. My husband is a great smooth talker, he is a salesman by nature.

I tell you these things in hope that you will evaluate your own situation. Who knows maybe your boyfrined is different, but take a good look at the situation. You also talked about your principples, if you have to question whether you are changing them, maybe that is a red flag? You don't need to worry about your boyfrineds lifestlye. I imagine he will contiune that lifestyle regardless and if you are there he may drag you down with him. My husbands family life was not good either. His mom abandoned him at age 4 and his dad was not a strong father figure. He bounced around to and from family members until he was 11 when he ended up with his aunt & uncle. They gave him a stable environment, but by then it was too late.

So take my story and thoughts into consideration if you like. Sometimes there are things that we just can't fix. I wish you the best in your decision making. Always remember that you are in control of the most prescious thing, you and your sons life, no one can change that.

Lisa - posted on 01/27/2010

My boyfriend has been in prison for 6 months now and has a couple more years to go. I stuck by him and thought I was the only one that could help him change his life. But looking back now It wasn't my responsibility. He should have been taking care of me. My babies are my #1 priority now and if he were here today he would have to take care of himself and fix his own life to make it better for us.
If you care for him and want to help him then do what you can just don't let him bring you or your son down. He sounds like a good guy.

Ebony - posted on 01/27/2010

girl, i have been down that road with the boy friend in jail, and for me and my experience it just seems to be a reacurring thing. not saying that your boyfriend will keep going back all i am saying is the only one who is going to love you and your son the way you need to be loved is God and he will help you and send the husband that he have for you. concentrate on you and finding a great career that will help you support you and your son put your faith in God and he will lead you in the right direction. I too am a single mom and i have two children and it is hard doing it on your own but God makes it much easier just knowing that he is there. you have to follow your heart and pray and see what happens. if you want you can contact me. I hope everything work out for you sweetie,
Ebony

Sheri - posted on 01/26/2010

You are a very sweet woman and it is always beautiful to see someone who takes such great responsiblity for their situations. You are definately on the right step by asking yourself all the questions about what you want for you and for your child, including what kind of lifestyle you want to live in.



There are many more questions you'll need to ask yourself to become more clear on what you want. It seems that you are an extremely caring person who just wants to do what is best for everyone....even if that means sacraficing yourself or your own happiness.



Here's the interesting thing about that though .... making yourself happy first is the only way to assure true and sustainable happiness for everyone.



The one thing I know for sure is...do not make a decision because you think he "needs" you. Relationships based on "need" - rather than "choice" or "want" always end badly.



Do what your heart tells you - what you "want" to do - Not what you think you "need" to do. :)



Much love to you! Feel free to contact me if you'd like to chat more.



Sheri Maass