"SPERM DONOR" SAYS ITS MY FAULT, IS IT REALLY?

Christian - posted on 03/13/2009

ok here goes:

At 16 I met a boy we were very in luv. At 17 we had a litle girl, in May. In December we married. In Febuary I found out we were pregnant again. In March I met, on accident, his 6mo old son. (take a minute to do the the math) in July I'd had enough and we split. In Octber our son was born, he didn't show. (it was his girlfriend's sweetsixteen, and we'll that's important). he visted about 1 to 2xs per month for up to 1 wk at a time until in September of the next year, when I told him to be Daddy or don't come back. We didn't see him, even at the  divorce hearing in December, until our son was 4 yrs old. Why did we see him then? Social Services traked him down for having NEVER paid child support. They, not beliving me, introduced my kids to thier father. My son said to the social worker, "that's not my Dad, I don't know him, can I pick a Dad? Cause I want Bill, he loves me and isn't making me miss school to see him." (Bill was my boyfriend at the time whom I am still with now, 5 yrs. later) The Social worker took my kids out of school every other Wednesday for six months. During that time "Dad" was supposed to pass a drug test and pay child support. He did nither. In October of 2004 they took his parental rights away. I had a litttle boy with Bill. And my Daughter said "this baby will be so lucky, his daddy wants him, if i could pick a daddy I'd pick Bill" (October was an emotional month for me) Irronically my ex started paying child support, irradically, last November. He does not see them. But They are happy kids. They do well in school, and I am a happier Mom with someone who I can really look to for support, when I need it. (after the first experiance, I'm not ready to marry again, yet)

The point of all this? You do what you need to for your child, mommy instict is usually right on. Do not allow anybody to make you feel like u have to or should do anything. Pray, everything will work out in the end, even if its not the way you planned, someone has a plan for you even if you can't see it yet.

Stephanie - posted on 03/13/2009

My kids father was around til about 8 months ago now doesnt come around ever, I dont stop him from seeing my kids cuz they will know someday what a deadbeat loser he is, they will get the chance to see it for themselves then he cant try to blame it on me someday as to why he wasnt around. He does have just as much rights as I do because I dont know if thats how it is everywhere but in Iowa parents that arent married have equal rights unless they go to court and get something saying otherwise. He doesnt pay child support even though he is supposed to be and doesnt hardly ever see them, but its not my fault, just as it isnt yours, and your baby will understand that someday also

Melissa - posted on 03/13/2009

I know what u mean, Have same type of problem. Its not your fault in any way. He just want to blame someone besides himself its easier. He makes his own choice to not be a part of his life. What i've done w/ my "sperm Donor" which is what I call mine also., Is I told him either he's in or out.,pick one. If he cant be consistant then he needs to stop disapointing the child and u. He needs to step up and be a man not an exscuse. So far my "donor" has been getting better, but its been slow going. 5-6 hrs a visit, evey other Saturday, or every Sat. I told him he was running out time to be his father, and I meant it. Stand by what u say, say it nicley(u have to be the bigger "man") and go from there. Go to court for child support,which is a joke!! The Guidelines are BS. take care-Melissa C

Melissa - posted on 03/13/2009

I am actually in almost the same situation. The only difference is we didn't meet in college. It my youngest sons father a 2 weeks to come around after i had him. I unfornately didn't have any information on him except his first name birthday and his license plate number. I finally had the opportunity to go to the local division of child support enforcement where we are now going through with child support. When we went to the office he said that my baby was to white to be his son and he wanted a DNA test. We did it and are now anxiously waiting the results. The best advice i can give to you is to take him for child support. You have to do whats best for your child and not whats convenient for him.

Melissa - posted on 03/13/2009

I am actually in almost the same situation. The only difference is we didn't meet in college. It my youngest sons father a 2 weeks to come around after i had him. I unfornately didn't have any information on him except his first name birthday and his license plate number. I finally had the opportunity to go to the local division of child support enforcement where we are now going through with child support. When we went to the office he said that my baby was to white to be his son and he wanted a DNA test. We did it and are now anxiously waiting the results. The best advice i can give to you is to take him for child support. You have to do whats best for your child and not whats convenient for him.

April - posted on 03/06/2009

you are not wrong in doing this. i too am in the same sitch except my ex has no other children. You are right because his behaviour I'm guessing is wreaking havoc on you. He has no rights at all. He's just the sperm donor. You didn't live with him, he's blaming you for everything which shows he's very immature and irresponsible. Does he think you "trapped him"?

Lanny - posted on 03/06/2009

At the least get your support money, I always felt that at least every other week, when he saw the amount out of his check he would have to think about the fact that he had a child. I too have let him come and go, but I don't buy in anymore. His lack of responsibility toward his child can in no way be anyones fault but his own. For him to try and tell you it is your fault is a joke, tell him to MAN up, this has very little to do with you at this point and everything to do with his child. I would assume that you would be willing to wak in front of a freight train to protect your child and he cannot endure a bit of time with someone he no longer cares for to be with the child? His rant to you is the copout of someone who is pretending to be a man. You are not the fault of anything and he owns all of his behavior, he cannot slough it off onto you. Stay strong mommy, it sounds like you are the only constant that your child will ever have!

Summer - posted on 02/26/2009

He does have rights to see the child if he wants to, even if he doesn't pay support. But... he doesn't have the right to abuse you and treat you like crap. He doesn't have the right to hop in and out of your child's life either but there's not much legally we can do about deadbeats in that regard. But... if you haven't filed for support yet, then you should! They will make him pay! And if you get any kind of assistance they will go after him. We get WIC, and I filed at the court house. Our county has a child support office. It was free to file the papers. He was behind on already issued support. It took a few months. But now he meets with the prosecutor every few months. At that time he has to pay all the support that was due or he goes to jail. So I do end up getting large support payments every 3-4 months. Hey it's something! If he doesn't want to pay, the state will make him! Unfortunately no one can make him suck less as a dad though.

Melissa - posted on 02/26/2009

My story is so similar to yours! I even call my son's "father" the "Sperm Donor"! I think you're totally right. Especially as your son gets older it's going to be hard for him to understand why "Daddy" is around and then disappears. And I imagine that my son would be hurt if he knew his "father" has other kids that he loves and takes care of and doesn't take care of or even see him.

Pati - posted on 02/25/2009

File for support, you do not have to talk to him, but file in court now. If he wants to verbaly abuse you, do not talk to him. If there has to be a meaditor or exchange person for visits, so be it. File and let a judge explain his rights to him in a court room. Good luck

Christine - posted on 02/25/2009

hi melissa, it is not your fault.but i tell you this take him to court for child support. gurl if you dont hold your head up and let the courts find. i am going trough the same thing with one of my childs father.when i got pregnant with my little girl and her father start spending time with he was so j because his son was calling him daddy. you can find someone whom will treat your son better