stressed out to the max (vent)

Nellie - posted on 10/15/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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This is mainly just a vent but I would appreciate comments on how I can cope cause I`m hanging by a thread right now.

My brother has always been scruwed up, he`s violent, immature and I`m positive that there`s some mental health issues even though he`s been tested and nothings come up. He is 18. But I`ve always been there for him, through everything. Might I add that growing up, everythng Tim, my brother, did was always my fault. Bad grades? Nellie`s fault. Fight at school? Nellie`s fault. You get the point. I always helped him with my homework, never smoked around him and told him that violence is never the answer. I didn`t just talk, I led by example. But my brother was majorly messed up so when I found out I was pregnant, I started thinking that I didn`t want Tim influencing my daughter with drugs and violence. So, I stopped defending him. If he did something wrong, I wouldn`t talk to him about it. I still was friendly and all, I just distanced myslef from his destructive behaviour. Tim started getting very pissed at me because of it and started treating me how he treated everyone else:deaththreats and vivid discriptions of how worthless I am. I ignored it all, refusing to engage. The day I went into labour, my father asked me to babysit, this is actually very common because Tim is always stealing from my parents. While my father was outside and I was watching Tim, he got into the food that was for a party. I told him he wasn`t allowed to have that but if he was going to eat it that I didn`t care, I would just tell our father when he came in. Tim freaked out, and got violent. At this point I`m nine months pregnant so I do not want to get in a fight for fear of hurting my baby so I run. Tim follows aftr me, chucking heavy flower pots at me. Several hit me but not in the stomach, thankfully. A few hours later, I`m in later due to what I think is stressed. After Kayla is born, I tell my father I don`t want Tim anywhere`s near Kayla because he`s violent. My father guilt tripped me, saying Tim would never even think of hurting a baby and that being an uncle would help him out so much. Eventually I give in and agree to allow him around Kayla under very strict conditions. My father agrees. For the next two months, my parents do the opposite. They try to force me to let Tim babysit and hold Kayla. Tim continues to be violent and puts Kayla in a dangerous environment. I kept visiting my parents cause they kept guilting me into it. And I had no washer or dryer, no car to take to the doctors and limited money as I`m on maternity leave. I never left Tim alone with Kayla and got hell for it. But the reason for this was whnever I visited my parents, Tim would throw a tantrum and would sometimes throw objectes such as chairs that came vey close to hitting my daughter. Everytime I would take my daughter and run, everytime my parents would scream at me for over reacting then several days later would promise that Tim would never do it again and everytime they guilted me back in. Eventually, I said enough. These are the ground rules: Tim is never allowed Kayla ever again. My parents are never allowed to raise they`re voice around Kayla. My parents were outraged saying that I was being way too overprotective. I held my ground and said if they ever want to see Kayla again, they would stop trying to force me to let Tim involved and stop screaming in front of my daughter. They followed this for a bit but then they started screaming at me in front of Kayla again. One time, they had come over to my appartment. I told them they needed to lower thier voice.They refused. My mother was holding Kayla so I asked for her back, she ignored me so I repeat myself. My mother then takes Kayla to another room instead and puts her down. I tell them to leave. A few days later my father comes over to talk and blames the whole thing on me and that if I don`t shape up I won`t be allowed to talk to them anymore. To his surprise I say fine, we`re through. Astonished he stutters how that`s not what he said. He starts screaming again so I tell him to lower his voice or leave. He storms out saying tha ``in a few years that baby will learn what type of person you really are`` A few days later, he calls me with same lame exuse about relatives. I ask WTH he`s calling and that we had agrees we were through. He denied every having such conversation, denying everything that was said. He goes on again about howI`m being unreasonable. I tell him don`t ever call me again and don`t ever visit me again. Couple weeks later I was feeling better about everything, feeling like I had mae the right choice. Then my mother shows up. I didn`t know it was her at the door so I opened it. I told her she wasn`t allowed here and she had to leave. She started screaming, so I repeated myself then lft to put Kayla in the nursry so she couldn`t hear my mother screaming. Of course, she barged right in. For ten minutes, I tolf her to leave,the I started telling her if she didn`t leave I`d call the cops. She didn`t leave. She just kept screaming telling me how everything is myfault. I repeated myself for five minutes cause I really didn`t want to call the cops but eventually I did. As soon as I dialed she left so when the cops arrived I looed like an idiot. A few days later I recieve an email from my father continueing to blame everything on me. I tell him his behavious is disgusting and if he ever comes here again I`ll ge an restraining order. On top of all this, Kayla has acid reflux and thrush which has made breastfeeed ing extremely difficult. She`d scream for hours and hours and hours. Also, I`ve had to deal with doctors telling me I didn`t even know my own daughters cues cause I was a first time mom. I was the one who diagnosed the thrush from research online because the idiot doctor had said I just wasn`t burping her right. Both the acid reflux and thrush have cleared up now but I feel like the whole world is against me. I try to look on the positive side, I really do, but then I`ll break down and cry for hours on end at the smallest thing. I`m exhausted and I`m losing it but I`m still fighting. I just don`t know how much longer I can keep going. I am truly all alone. I try to go out with friends when I can and keep busy with chores but I`m afraid I`m going to snap. I love my daughter and would go through this a million times if I had to, but I`m so exhausted. WTH do I do?

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6 Comments

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DeAnna - posted on 11/01/2010

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Anyone over the age of 3 that throws things when they're angry has issues. People that make excuses for that person are enabling them. Sounds like your parents and brother all need psychological help. Unless there's WHOLE lot more you're not posting about yourself, they're crazy and you're not. If they're able to make your second guess yourself, you need to take extra precaution so that there is absolutely zero communication between you and them. In my opinion, you've already allowed too much. Move on, be happy and let them wallow in the beds they've made for themselves. You've got your own bed to make now and don't need them messing it up for you.

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First of all, you can NOT control anyone else's actions! Only your own. and you cannot make anyone do anything! So, don't think for one second that it is in any way your fault. You are doing the right thing, you are protecting your baby from chaos. She doesn't need to be in an environment like that and neither do you! I know that you love your family. But, sometimes you have to do whats best for yourself and your child, and this means that you need to stay away from them. You are already going through so much with Kayla, you don't need the extra stress. Stay strong, girl! We are all here for you :)

Nellie - posted on 10/16/2010

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I know that I don`t want Kayla in a environment where everyone is always screaming and Im scared for her safety, but the way my fathr words it, he twists is all back to be my fault and it actually make sense to me. My brother loves Kayla very much and would never intentially hurt her, he just acts out whenever you piss him off, so don`t piss him off. As for my parents always screaming around me, they always say that I made them do it. I know that it`s not true, but me makes me feel so guilty and second guess myself. Like, what if they`re right? What if I m oer reacting and because of that I`m scruwing up my brothers life? Logically I know this isn`t true, and I`m never going to give in cause I love Kayla too much, but it`s really bothering me, a lot!

Mary Renee - posted on 10/15/2010

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I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My boyfriend (my daughter's father) sounds a lot like your family, with the screaming and throwing things, and I think you're so right to not want your daughter around that. I'm trying to get the guts to leave and I think you're right to keep your family away from your daughter until they can learn how to behave like adults around her. Stay strong, you seem very strong already. Don't answer the door for them, don't answer their calls, go to a laundrymat or do the laundry in the bathtub if you have to... but stick to your guns and stay away until they know you're serious.

As for teething, one of the cheapest and most sucessful remedies I found was just getting a wash cloth a little wet with some water and putting it in the freezer. Not so much water that the cloth is frozen stiff, but enough that it's cold and slightly stiff but bends. My daughter (now five months) liked to chew/play/teeth on that a lot when she was that age - and still does. (wow, I just looked down and saw someone else said the same thing! So it must work.

Also, when she's really howling, I make sure my hand is clean and let her chew on my fingers. It might seem weird but that's what she really wants. I've heard that apply counterpressure on the gums can really help since they're feeling pressure from their teeth and sometimes it's inflamed and your finger can do a lot better job than a teething ring.

Take some time for yourself and your sanity, sleep, lie down with the baby, nurse her in the side-lying position and take a nap together. Relax. Take her on walks. Getting out of the house just to walk around outside or even walk around the mall (with out buying anything at all) helps me feel like a normal human being and the exercise from walking kicks up those endorphins too.

Good luck! Hang in there!

Eliz - posted on 10/15/2010

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All I can say about the family thing is to stay strong. I have had to remove myself from some of my family as well to keep my children safe and I know it is very hard. As for the teething here are a few ideas: put a damp wash clothe in the freezer and once its frozen let her chew on it, when you have some money buy gogurts and freeze them and help her eat it, let her chew on a frozen waffle (my son loved it).
Try not to use tylenol too much cuz they can develope an immunity to it and it isn't good for their stomach lining.
Keep your head up in all this and know you are doing the right thing for your daughter. *hugs*

Nellie - posted on 10/15/2010

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also, kayla is know teething and the oralgel doesn`t help and i`m broke until the 20th so i cant get teething tablets and she wont take teethig toys and she screams for hors in pain and tylonol doesnt help that much.

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