stressed out to the max (vent)

Nellie - posted on 10/15/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

This is mainly just a vent but I would appreciate comments on how I can cope cause I`m hanging by a thread right now.

My brother has always been scruwed up, he`s violent, immature and I`m positive that there`s some mental health issues even though he`s been tested and nothings come up. He is 18. But I`ve always been there for him, through everything. Might I add that growing up, everythng Tim, my brother, did was always my fault. Bad grades? Nellie`s fault. Fight at school? Nellie`s fault. You get the point. I always helped him with my homework, never smoked around him and told him that violence is never the answer. I didn`t just talk, I led by example. But my brother was majorly messed up so when I found out I was pregnant, I started thinking that I didn`t want Tim influencing my daughter with drugs and violence. So, I stopped defending him. If he did something wrong, I wouldn`t talk to him about it. I still was friendly and all, I just distanced myslef from his destructive behaviour. Tim started getting very pissed at me because of it and started treating me how he treated everyone else:deaththreats and vivid discriptions of how worthless I am. I ignored it all, refusing to engage. The day I went into labour, my father asked me to babysit, this is actually very common because Tim is always stealing from my parents. While my father was outside and I was watching Tim, he got into the food that was for a party. I told him he wasn`t allowed to have that but if he was going to eat it that I didn`t care, I would just tell our father when he came in. Tim freaked out, and got violent. At this point I`m nine months pregnant so I do not want to get in a fight for fear of hurting my baby so I run. Tim follows aftr me, chucking heavy flower pots at me. Several hit me but not in the stomach, thankfully. A few hours later, I`m in later due to what I think is stressed. After Kayla is born, I tell my father I don`t want Tim anywhere`s near Kayla because he`s violent. My father guilt tripped me, saying Tim would never even think of hurting a baby and that being an uncle would help him out so much. Eventually I give in and agree to allow him around Kayla under very strict conditions. My father agrees. For the next two months, my parents do the opposite. They try to force me to let Tim babysit and hold Kayla. Tim continues to be violent and puts Kayla in a dangerous environment. I kept visiting my parents cause they kept guilting me into it. And I had no washer or dryer, no car to take to the doctors and limited money as I`m on maternity leave. I never left Tim alone with Kayla and got hell for it. But the reason for this was whnever I visited my parents, Tim would throw a tantrum and would sometimes throw objectes such as chairs that came vey close to hitting my daughter. Everytime I would take my daughter and run, everytime my parents would scream at me for over reacting then several days later would promise that Tim would never do it again and everytime they guilted me back in. Eventually, I said enough. These are the ground rules: Tim is never allowed Kayla ever again. My parents are never allowed to raise they`re voice around Kayla. My parents were outraged saying that I was being way too overprotective. I held my ground and said if they ever want to see Kayla again, they would stop trying to force me to let Tim involved and stop screaming in front of my daughter. They followed this for a bit but then they started screaming at me in front of Kayla again. One time, they had come over to my appartment. I told them they needed to lower thier voice.They refused. My mother was holding Kayla so I asked for her back, she ignored me so I repeat myself. My mother then takes Kayla to another room instead and puts her down. I tell them to leave. A few days later my father comes over to talk and blames the whole thing on me and that if I don`t shape up I won`t be allowed to talk to them anymore. To his surprise I say fine, we`re through. Astonished he stutters how that`s not what he said. He starts screaming again so I tell him to lower his voice or leave. He storms out saying tha ``in a few years that baby will learn what type of person you really are`` A few days later, he calls me with same lame exuse about relatives. I ask WTH he`s calling and that we had agrees we were through. He denied every having such conversation, denying everything that was said. He goes on again about howI`m being unreasonable. I tell him don`t ever call me again and don`t ever visit me again. Couple weeks later I was feeling better about everything, feeling like I had mae the right choice. Then my mother shows up. I didn`t know it was her at the door so I opened it. I told her she wasn`t allowed here and she had to leave. She started screaming, so I repeated myself then lft to put Kayla in the nursry so she couldn`t hear my mother screaming. Of course, she barged right in. For ten minutes, I tolf her to leave,the I started telling her if she didn`t leave I`d call the cops. She didn`t leave. She just kept screaming telling me how everything is myfault. I repeated myself for five minutes cause I really didn`t want to call the cops but eventually I did. As soon as I dialed she left so when the cops arrived I looed like an idiot. A few days later I recieve an email from my father continueing to blame everything on me. I tell him his behavious is disgusting and if he ever comes here again I`ll ge an restraining order. On top of all this, Kayla has acid reflux and thrush which has made breastfeeed ing extremely difficult. She`d scream for hours and hours and hours. Also, I`ve had to deal with doctors telling me I didn`t even know my own daughters cues cause I was a first time mom. I was the one who diagnosed the thrush from research online because the idiot doctor had said I just wasn`t burping her right. Both the acid reflux and thrush have cleared up now but I feel like the whole world is against me. I try to look on the positive side, I really do, but then I`ll break down and cry for hours on end at the smallest thing. I`m exhausted and I`m losing it but I`m still fighting. I just don`t know how much longer I can keep going. I am truly all alone. I try to go out with friends when I can and keep busy with chores but I`m afraid I`m going to snap. I love my daughter and would go through this a million times if I had to, but I`m so exhausted. WTH do I do?